Well, I thought I'd move over here completely from Newcomers because it's been almost one year post BD. Plus I do enjoy the more philosophical atmosphere here.
long story short - we are expats from the US. H has been struggling with working in a new country and showed signs with having trouble with finding his identity. H was sexually abused as a child, which then translates to his lack of self love and unresolved resentment toward his parents (who do not know about the abuse). Last year out of nowhere he wanted distance and time to figure things out, and then it followed by him moving out to an undisclosed location and ultimately wanting a divorce. H also has a history of depression and alcoholism. We have three children.
where we are now - H has taken away my access to his funds and cancelled my credit card under his account. We could not agree on a child support figure. He low-balled me and I stated that I decline to discuss further if he cannot meet me close to what I'm demanding. Under foreign law it is nearly impossible for him to divorce me without my consent. my worse case scenario is that I get the low-ball figure by court order and remains married.
Anyway, I'm coasting to see where it will all go. I have suffered and grieved the death of my marriage. I am moving beyond that.
One thing that is causing me pain is seeing my eldest affected by the deterioration of our M. S11 has Trichotillomania and has been pulling out his eyelashes since last year. S11 has refused to talk to me about what's causing him stress until few days ago, he finally opened up a bit. A few things he said - "where does dad live?" "you guys are pretty much like divorced already." "I miss dad but when he is around all he does is yell at me." "I worry about the whole step mom or step dad thing"
I addressed what I could, but I told him that I really have no answers to the questions related to dad. I don't know what happened. I said if he'd like to call his dad sometimes, he's welcome to. he shook his head.
I understand all I can do is be the stable parent. Where things will go, I honestly don't know. We might have to cut extracurricular activities because of cost. We might have to downsize to a smaller rental. I am picking up some work but might need to find a full time job (I was a sahm). All I am hoping is that an absent father is not going to leave too much of a scar on their lives.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What seemed to help the most was us bonding-we became closer and we talked every night- well mostly I listened and reasurred her I was here for her and would always be
If his Dad is yelling at him and abusive, I would intervene(talk to H),or limit contact for a bit and protect child- keep the communication open...boys are harder to talk to tahn girls from my experience , The finances are another tough area for the LBS.. I had to learn to be super tough to XH here..to make sure we would get our share Im sure you will as well-
Hang in there Hopefully things will get better-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
What seemed to help the most was us bonding-we became closer and we talked every night- well mostly I listened and reasurred her I was here for her and would always be
Yeah, I find all I can do is just to be honest with him to the extent that he understands and keep checking up on him occasionally. Be the best model for my children...practice handling things with grace and compassion. keeping myself from bad-mouthing their father (this one is surprisingly hard).
Well, I need to vent a bit. My parents are of course, worried about how things will play out financially for me. They would hate for me to be "stuck with raising the children but with no financial support from H." So there has been a lot of unsolicited advice especially coming from my mom...I do appreciate her trying to help me but most of the time I just keep telling her, it doesn't work like that. H is an alien. I cannot reason with him. He is completely illogical right now.
My parents even went so far to tell me that maybe I should give the children up to H since he's the one making enough money to raise them. saying that I still have many years ahead of me to be tied down to raising these kids until they're 18. But how could I? Knowing that H is a completely mental with depression and alcoholism, how could I hand the kids to him entirely? On the other hand, I don't want my parents have to take on the financial burden of raising their grandchildren because I'm not making enough money to support them myself yet.
Few days ago, H's company's HR invited me out to a company family event. I'm considering going (H already stated he wouldn't go) anyway, but I'm not sure whether to let the cat out of the bag or still act as if things are normal. I suspect his office does not know yet. But then again, who really cares whether we are divorcing or not? Would it be such a big deal to just be honest?
I think it is great how you're able to understand where your parents are coming from and why, but totally get how you are feeling. Of course they want to protect you just like you want to protect your own kids. FWIW I think you're doing the right thing.
To the extent you can, talking with S11 and keeping the door open for conversations is so important, I think. I wonder, though, if you just pushing the questions off to your H is necessarily the right move? I don't know and am just offering this as an idea-- YOU know that your H is incapable of answering them well and your 11 year old probably knows that in his bones as well, so offering for him to call H is really not a good answer. I wonder if more validating around that-- I'm confused too, it is hard, it feels weird not knowing where he's living and I get it, I know how you're feeling, give me a hug-- and then really reinforcing to him as much as possible that YOU are there, you aren't going anywhere, etc-- could help? Maybe you're already doing all of that. It was just as I was reading what you wrote, it felt a little like "call dad to ask him that" from your son's perspective might feel like a dead end and that you don't really want to talk about it either, so he has nowhere to turn.
If you want to go to the event-- go! And what does being honest hurt at this point? Do what feels right to you. If you don't feel you want to engage in the conversations if they come up when you're there, but you still want to go, maybe have a good topic changing line at hand?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
My parents even went so far to tell me that maybe I should give the children up to H since he's the one making enough money to raise them. saying that I still have many years ahead of me to be tied down to raising these kids until they're 18.
Wow - honey - can you see how ABNORMAL that response is? I'm guessing some family of origin issues on your part may be why you didn't see H's issues earlier in the relationship. That is NOT how parents and grandparents are supposed to respond. Appropriate response? "Oh honey, what can we do to help? ". Clearly either your parents are not bonded to your kids or they don't think you're a capable person - totally insulting either way! Get their negative voices out of your head. Clearly moving home with the folks is not a good option in your case.
So - you're in a foreign country, what are job prospects there like for you versus your home country? Is moving home with the children anything you would want to do or advantageous to you in any way? I can only imagine the difficulties in enforcing child support or alimony in a foreign country but between countries seems impossible. Still, think carefully about what works best for your future and the children, not necessarily H. What are your skills? What kinds of work have you done in the past? Which country has a better safety net?
Sadly it does sound like you might not be able to rely on H in the long run financially - if his alcoholism gets worse and he loses his income you need to be ready to survive with your kids without his help, so it's time to make some big plans! You can do this!
That was a tough response from your folks- Hopefully, they did not realize what they said or mean it-
I can tell you after raising my 2 children since they were 5 and 11 when XL left, has been the most rewarding journey They are both amazing adults, hardworking, honest and loving.
MY XH never gave any support financially or emotionally to them
I also liked what May said- We may have to become the sole emotional support for our kids-Yes it is hard but if we commit to them, we will see the rewards later in them and us-
Our kids also will learn how to parent from us How to stick things out How to get through hard times ect...
Yes it was scary, I too wondered all the same Could I do it? How will I support them?
Many of us do it, and I know many woman who for one reason or another became single moms sometimes we become both mom and dad
Sacrifice it is, but the greatest kind The energy comes, the money comes the friends come
Hang in there do the footwork as KML says to figure out how you can support them
and trust the process
hang in there we were all where you are
many LBS return to school jobs appear and we will find ways to make it work
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Sorry I wasn’t clear. My parents are great, they will no doubt support me if I want primary custody, but it definitely will set them back financially. Right from the start they told me it to worry about money or divorce because they will be able to help me and the kids. It’s just that supporting three grandchildren wasn’t part of their retirement plan! I think they were more worried for my future as a single mom raising three children. H makes more than 10x than me right now. It’s ridiculous that he’s not giving me anything for the kids.
Moving back to the US seems unlikely at least for now because of covid. Also the living expense here is much lower. I am hustling. I started a business with a friend. Picking up some free lance work. What I make now can’t support all of us, so I’m still running on my reserved funds. My next step is cutting down costs first.
May, yes I do tell S11 all of that and the asking him to call his dad was more if he wants to connect with his dad. I told him clearly dad hasn’t been initiating contact much, so if he wants to he is welcome to. Children are really perceptive and I believe they know more than they’re showing. I also have been sharing more about how I am feeling so that they know that it is alright to talk about how we’re feeling even if those feelings are not so great.
I know it’s the fear of the uncertainty talking again. The what ifs are looming over me constantly. What if my business isn’t taking off....what if my H really is so set on being a jacka$$.....
It’s not fear of not having the M anymore, it’s fear of not being able to provide for the kids.
we have to live in a world of uncertainty in many areas of our life at different times and seasons
I would get support from here and others you can trust who understand the process of MLC or therapy
It helps me to feel the feelings...let them come and go then there is faith...whatever faith you believe in
I found I was always taken care of especially if I listened to my gut and tried against all odds to do the right thing with XH , the kids and all situations no not easy
hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
