Living in the Light - Part II

[LH19]

D,

I am going to give you some feedback as I see it from a single man your age.

So glad I have the next two weeks off because I’m having a hard time sleeping.

I am sorry you are having trouble sleeping. It happens to me and is very frustrating.

Still radio silence from TDH despite me having apologized profusely for my less-than-stellar reaction to our cancelled weekend. I don’t know why this is still bothering me so much.

What exactly entails apologizing profusely? One apology was sufficient.

I guess I just really hate the idea that there is someone out there who thought I was this amazing person and now thinks I’m a complete jerk. And there is nothing I can do about it because he has stopped talking to me.

How could you possibly think he was amazing when you never met him? He stopped talking to you because you are not flexible and over reacted. I have/had in my dating profile. Looking for someone flexible. (both kinds would be nice lol)

Wow...being ignored is SUCH a trigger.

Maybe something to explore with IC?

My sister thinks I may have dodged a bullet. She thinks I definitely could have handled things better but what I did wasn’t unforgivable considering the circumstances.

Uuuuuuum how you handled it without even knowing what "apologizing profusely" is would have been a deal breaker for me.

She says he could have taken an extra couple of minutes to apologize. Even though he had a good reason for not coming, he did leave me sitting there all day thinking he was on his way only to get an abrupt “not coming’ text in the 11th hour with a promise to call.

He apologized. My guess is he didn't know his son's reaction until it was time to leave.

She also thinks that he had a really unrealistic view of me and had made me into this ideal image that I could not have lived up to so better this happens sooner rather than later.

What view do you think he had of you without ever meeting you?

And that if he can’t forgive me for five stupid minutes that I have apologized profusely for, he’s probably not someone I would want to be in a relationship with anyway.

Again, you never met and you kind of flaked on him. I am shocked that your shocked you never heard from him again.

She’s probably right. I am a good person but I am definitely not perfect and if perfect is what he is after, he needs to keep looking.

I think he is just looking for someone a little more flexible and understanding.

D, I think these are learning experiences in the whacky life of middle age dating. Learn from it.

[DejaVu6]

Thanks LH. I know he had an unrealistic version of me because he texted me “I love even just the idea of you. No way you exist.” And there were many more similar texts. My biggest mistake is that I let myself believe his feelings could be real. I should have known there was nowhere to go but down when someone sees you that way. So that was also 100% my fault.

I can see your view from the outside looking in for sure that this was all me and I do take responsibility for most of it. But he didn’t apologize. He texted me in the 11th hour that he wasn’t coming because of his son and that was it. There was never an apology. When I got his text, I literally thought it was to say that he had arrived and I should pick him up at the ferry. I had been on pins and needles all day so it was a huge letdown to say the least and I guess I didn’t handle it very well.

I get these are learning experiences and believe me, I am learning a lot. I just think a “one strike and you’re out” way of being is the exact opposite of flexible. And honestly...I am hugely flexible 99% of the time and I have been with him too. I treat people really, really well and if you knew me IRL, you would know that. This was completely out of character and it probably seems to you like it wasn’t because I only come on here when I am struggling with something and confess my worst thoughts and actions but it was. So I apologized which is, I think, the right thing to do. And it was a heartfelt, sincere, genuine apology...one that I think merits a response even if it is just to say, “thanks but no thanks”. Anyway...I’m going to move on and be a lot more careful with my heart in the future and not get sucked into this kind of a dynamic again.

[kml]

I still say he stunk of internet scammer. There's lots of them out there and they always have an excuse for not showing up.(Especially when their wives or girlfriends show up.)

Doesn't mean your response was ok - don't do that again or you will scare off some good guy too. But I'm of the opinion he wasn't what he seemed. At the very least he wasn't considerate which is a big dealbreaker.

And this is exactly why I advocate a low stress coffee date meeting before getting too wrapped up (even though I have broken that rule once or twice. But that rule has also saved me from getting in too deep with guys who turned out not to be attractive to me in person).

[DejaVu6]

DnJ - Don’t know why but I somehow missed your post. Thank you for your support and for your thoughts. It is nice to know that there is a guy on here who doesn’t think.I was COMPLETELY in the wrong. I realized, in hindsight of course, that even though I do tend to cut people a lot of slack, I also have pretty high expectations that they will act in a situation the way I would and I know not everyone was raised the way I was. If I make plans with someone and I have to cancel, for whatever reason, I call them as soon as possible, apologize and try to come up with another option. Especially if I know that they went to a lot of trouble to prepare for my arrival. I mean... I went to the grocery store the night before to buy a list of ingredients for the tacos he was going to make me. And he knew this because he gave me the list and I had texted him because i couldn’t find one of the items. He also knew that I had purchased a dozen of his favourite beer because I had jokingly texted him that he couldn’t back out now and he agreed. IDK...maybe it seems petty that a “sorry” mattered to me as much as it did but it just did and he definitely didn’t say it even though he probably (hopefully) was thinking it. Or maybe he thought he had said it and was just so caught up with his kid issues that he didn’t notice he had left that part out. Anyway...when I take everything into consideration, I do feel like I didn’t it handle it well BUT I also feel like the feelings I had about how he handled it were also justified. So neither of us are innocent in that regard.

KML - Thanks. Lesson learned. I will definitely not do that again. I acted badly regardless of whether or not he is an internet scammer. I still don’t think he is but I guess that is a question that will never be answered. I think it will help me just to assume he is and chalk this up to a crappy OLD experience with some valuable lessons learned. TBH...I had been doing really well following those rules...until TDH entered my life and I just got enamoured with how enamoured he was (or at least seemed to be) with me. Such is life.

Anyway...taking my kids to the VRcade tonight to kill some zombies. My son is so excited and worried that mom won’t be able to lock and load her gun...lol. Ummm...I’ll figure it out pretty quick and btw...do we also get to kick things?? Cause I’m thinking that zombie killing might be very therapeutic for me right now.

(((HUGS))) to all!!!

[DejaVu6]

DnJ...one more thing I forgot to comment on. XH - yes...it was a great empathic response. I even told him a little bit about how things went awry and he told me not to let it “dig too deep”. So...we are a long way away from being friends, for sure, but we are doing really, really well with coparenting and supporting each other in that regard. It is a good place to be and I am grateful to have gotten here.

[LH19]

D,

I just want to go on the record to say that I do not think you were completely in the wrong. Most of my points were about your expectations.

OLDing is hard for me. I can only imagine it’s much more difficult for a woman.

[Dawn70]

I’m so sorry the weekend didn’t turn out the way you had planned. I understand wanting and expecting people to behave a certain way. I joke with my husband all the time when something doesn’t go how I hoped/planned/expected that people clearly didn’t follow my script. TDH clearly didn’t follow yours and I hate that your feelings got hurt in the process.

I have to say, I agree with a lot of what LH said. In your last post, you were talking about how if you had to break plans you would let someone know ASAP but you are assuming he DIDN’T do that. How do you know he didn’t let you know as soon as he knew? Maybe he was all set to go then son melted down. Sure, he should’ve called later since he said he would but again, how do you know why he didn’t? Maybe, like kml said, he just flaked because he was a scammer. But then again, maybe he was dealing with a very upset kid all evening. My point here is, when we all first arrived here in db land, there was a lot of talk about not mind reading and your latest post seems to be full of a lot of mind reading about his motives. Again, you could be totally right and he was a cad or kml could be right and he is a scammer. As others have said, just chalk it all up to a lesson learned and try to hold back a bit next time. Dating at this age is HARD!

[kml]

I just got enamoured with how enamoured he was (or at least seemed to be) with me.

Really, if someone seems that enamoured with you without having actually met you in person that is a BIG RED FLAG! Scammer or Love Addict or super-needy. A confident, mature adult will usually be more rational, at least until he has met you. I figure anybody who is so over the top so early has something wrong with them. Sure, when we were kids in our twenties it as all pheromones and fairytales but you want an adult man now, don't you?

And yes, I say this even though I have broken those rules twice. One was very long distance and we chatted for weeks before meeting. Fortunately the chemistry was there when we met but it was a huge risk (and he turned out to be a Love Avoidant anyway but we are still good friend 11 years later). The second lived 90 minutes away and and the chemistry was also there when we met but he ALSO turned out to be a Love Avoidant (at least he was self-aware and told me up front he didn't "do relationships"). We were also friends and I enjoyed his occasional company when I was between boyfriends until he dropped off the face of the earth a couple of years ago. Both of these men were obviously interested (and interesting) but NOT over the top. In fact I'd dare say both were pleasantly surprised when I turned out to be as advertised, they were a bit wary too. .

Maybe if I hadn't gotten invested in them before we met I would have picked up more of the clues about them, although I have no regrets about either relationship. Still it's outweighed by other people who seemed grand online and then were obvious mismatches when meeting in public which is why I'm such an advocate for not getting involved until you meet, and meeting for coffee sooner rather than later.

[DnJ]

Hello DV

I do understand you expectations that TDH would call or respond quicker; like you’d have done if roles were reversed. His not doing that, not having that as high a priority as you, probably would cause more troubles later as well.

I think what is really troublesome for you is the breach of trust. The incipient stage of a relationship is building that fledging trust with the other person. Relationships are based upon trust.

In time our trust account builds with consistent trustworthy behaviours and actions. Then those blunders, withdrawals, are more easily accepted; think long time friend needs to cancel something vs this event. Your trust account for TDH was barely even opened.

Anyhow, don’t beat yourself too much. Go kick some zombie butt and have a good time.

D

[DonH]

Really, if someone seems that enamoured with you without having actually met you in person that is a BIG RED FLAG! Scammer or Love Addict or super-needy. A confident, mature adult will usually be more rational, at least until he has met you. I figure anybody who is so over the top so early has something wrong with them. Sure, when we were kids in our twenties it as all pheromones and fairytales but you want an adult man now, don't you?

I have been thinking the exact same things and having the same conclusions. I mean this is high school or maybe 20 something stuff and talk. Who jumps like this, especially in their 50s? Someone coming on so strong would scare the Bajesus out of me at my age. Is this what woman want to hear? No wonder I’ve never done well OLD.

While I think you really should reconsider and perhaps regret what you allowed to happen, I really don’t think you should blame yourself or your reaction. I just don’t buy this guys story. It just does not all add up to me. I think he was either a scammer, not at all who he claimed - did you video chat with him to confirm he looked like his photos? I just think he made up this excuse. I can’t be totally sure of the reason but it all just screams of cold feet or a player or something. A sincere guy who was legitimately all in would have done more. He would have let you know sooner, been more apologetic, called, etc. and how young is his child? Is he another much younger guy again? Seems out of the ordinary for a guy your age to have a son young enough to have such a meltdown that requires a last minute cancel. And if his son does have struggles like this, why would he plan to be away From him for multiple days in the first place?

Just none of this adds up for me - none of it. I fully admit that I’m way more cautious and way more skeptical of people - especially OLD people. But when things seem just too good to be true, it’s often because they probably are. Don’t beat yourself up over it. I really think you dodged a bullet here. I’d focus more on why you allowed yourself to be sucked in so far and so fast or at least how not to do that again. Was it mostly his looks that got him this far? Again if he never FaceTimed with you I’d say that’s a huge key to why he backed out last minute.