Okay, I'm still plodding through PM. It's hard to get time to read, I'm trying not to read it around W because she might consider it "pressure" and, as you know, I'm currently in my no-pressure campaign.
So, how do I self-soothe? Just tell myself I'm a good guy? Or do I stroke the satin edge of my blankie? Think about my mommy (leaving out the image of her beating me with a coat hanger)? Eat a bag of M&Ms?
Hairdog - who wants to massage his wife, not his ego.
I seem to remember an earlier post in which you called yourself a "sexual machine" or something like that. For me self-validating my own sexuality in that way has been an effective way of self-soothing, whereas my previous method of self-soothing which involved eating too much ice cream was counter-productive. Becoming a passionate gardener let me ignore my inadequate sex life for a while but it suddenly stopped working for me when I realized I was settling for a level of muted sensuality appropriate perhaps for a feeble 90 year old rather than a healthy 39 year old woman.
So I guess what I'm saying is it's better to self-soothe through empowerment rather than distraction. Does that make sense?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: seem to remember an earlier post in which you called yourself a "sexual machine" or something like that
Moi? That sounds rather crude...can't believe I'd ever say anything like that. Although, if the shoe fits....
Quote: what I'm saying is it's better to self-soothe through empowerment rather than distraction. Does that make sense?
Hmmm. Nope. Unless you're saying that I need to tell myself, "Your loss, babe" after my W rejects me. Heck, I've been doing that for months. Honestly, it doesn't help that much. Maybe I need a new mantra.
I think that some of the techniques from Michele's books, Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy, can help with self-soothing especially the last resort technique (stop pursuing, and improve the quality of your own life no matter what your partner may be doing). A lot of the threads on the other boards such as Newcomers, Midlfe Crisis, Infidelity, etc. have good suggestions from posters and moderators.
Moderator JamesJohn has a thread titled Thoughts About the LRT (he says that this technique should perhaps be called the "ongoing technique" ) that has some great information that could be used in self-soothing.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
The "Now" MM wrote: what I'm saying is it's better to self-soothe through empowerment rather than distraction. ______________________________________
I think she's saying that she's convinced herself that she's OK in what she wants and why she wants it. That means she's overcome the "there must be something wrong with me" thoughts that come with rejection. The way she did it (it seems to me) was to put away the assumption that the way her H reacted to her said something about her (instead of him). Now she has "empowered herself" by recognizing that her wants are different from H, but just as OK. If he doesn't want to accept them, she's still OK.
MM got her mojo back by some pretty effective differentiation, IMO. But, I think it needs to be said that she never really lost her mojo. It was there all the time, but it was covered up by her H's LD responses to/rejections of her. IOW, she was always a sexual person, even when NoMojoBlue. She just didn't feel like it when H acted asexual toward her.
Quote: Unless you're saying that I need to tell myself, "Your loss, babe" after my W rejects me. Heck, I've been doing that for months. Honestly, it doesn't help that much. Maybe I need a new mantra.
If you're honestly able to say that to yourself then maybe your problem isn't with self-soothing. Maybe it's time to step up to the plate and put an end to your no-pressure campaign. If you're feeling that strong and differentiated, your frustration is probably a sign that you've waited long enough and it's time to "up the ante" with your W.
P.S. I swear it must have been either "sex machine"or "monkey of love" or some combination of those two that you called yourself,or maybe I was just being intuitive?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: If you're honestly able to say that to yourself then maybe your problem isn't with self-soothing. Maybe it's time to step up to the plate and put an end to your no-pressure campaign.
I agree, but for a different reason. I think you need to ask yourself: "If W is feeling 'pressure', just where is that pressure coming from?" I mean, really - feeling pressure because you're reading a book?? Who's she trying to kid? I think she can pressure herself way better than you could ever pressure her, and it sounds like she's really good at it. She's just hiding behind it, and trying to make it "your" problem. Wanna really up the pressure on her? Show her that her lack of desire is more a problem for HER than it is for YOU. Make it really HARD for her to pin it on YOU, so she'll be forced to admit it's really HER.
The way to go about it is NOT to never ask for sex. If she's got you believing that simply ASKING for sex (i.e. trying to initiate) is putting too much "pressure" on her, then you need to get her to admit that what she's REALLY saying is that she would NEVER want to have sex with you if it was up to her. Not for any "rational" reason, but just because she doesn't want it. She needs to own up to it, and own the problem. The thing is, she's entitled to not have sex she doesn't want, but you are also entitled to have sex that you DO want. So she has to choose (perhaps) between not having sex, and staying married. Expecting you to stay married indefinitely in a celibate marriage is an indefensible position. She's smart... she'll see that. But by keeping your "no pressure" stance as you've been doing lets her avoid confronting herself on that issue - it lets her "get around it" and put it off. The issue is still there, it's just not being confronted. Eventually she'll have to confront it, and better sooner than later, especially for you. My $0.02 for the day...
Wow. I came to the SSM forum this morning and thought to myself, "hmmm. Only two messages since yesterday. Pretty boring." Then I read the messages. Thanks to everyone who chimed in, but especially to Mike, MM, and Tim.
During the current "no pressure" campaign, things have gone so smoothly. She seems happier, less stressed, even told me yesterday that she enjoys what she's doing at her job, which is the first time she's said anything positive about it since she started at it, about a year ago. We are talking about things more (but not related to sex). We had a disagreement last week about disciplining my DS15 (from 1st marriage), but I heard her out, and then made a decision to stick to my guns. She was kinda pissed that night, but got over it and seemed to respect me (if not necessarily the decision I made). Before, I would have just done what she suggested. I find myself challenging her more often, and sometimes I see things her way, sometimes my way.
My attitude about challenging her is sometimes based on this little voice in my head that says, "what's she going to do...cut you off?" It makes me laugh inside, and I just take the plunge and follow my convictions. Understand that my convictions are usually not that different than hers, which is why we get along most of the time.
My attitude about sex and intimate contact in general is that I miss it so much, but keep on hoping she'll "see the light." What you seem to be telling me is that she won't see the light until I nudge her out of her comfort zone, and force her to find that light for herself. Of course, that may end the smoothness that is our marriage right now. Oh well.
You know what I really miss? I miss being comfortable with touching her naked body, kissing her, and making love.
Hairdog - conflicted, confused, and contemplative.
You've hit the nail there Tim. I get accused of putting on "pressure" when I try to initiate anything but is expressing my love actually "pressure". No of course not. The pressure is entirely of her own making and in her own head. When she is squirming around in a sea of "pressure" on Friday night I intend to make it clear to her that Fridays is just the start of the process not the final position. I am ready to up the anti a bit now because rejection is just going to bounce off me.
Quote Tim: "If she's got you believing that simply ASKING for sex (i.e. trying to initiate) is putting too much "pressure" on her, then you need to get her to admit that what she's REALLY saying is that she would NEVER want to have sex with you if it was up to her."
One problem here. My W (seemingly hairdog's lost twin sister) has told me more than once that she would be happier if she never had sex again and "Why can't you just let me live my life the way I want to". Sorry babe, no can do. SD
