So, finally today, he responded to the profile picture of OW. Instead of feeling bad, I just expected it and and somewhat happy to know my hunches of who it was is correct. I don’t know why the following realization finally came to me today:
My H has been “in love” twice in less than a year. If that doesn’t scream teen/mlc I don’t know what does.
I was thinking about you asking why I was going to present the numbers, and I realized that yes, status quo right now is still happening as I handle the money. I felt I needed to because he seems so sure of D and wanted to know how much I’d need and he wants me to keep the house. I have read so much to get them to sign when they are “generous”.
Honestly, although I know he is in the midst of a MLC, that with pretty much certainty began late 2016 early 2017. It took him two years to drop the B and another 15 months to drop the D word. I know when he told me that he wants a D, he believed it and he had also just come off of a successful weekend away. So in his mind, drop the bomb, get divorced and move onto OW. It’s been over a week now, and granted he was gone four days, nothing really changed when he came home.
I don’t know if he’s waiting for me to present him with the numbers, or if he’s in fantasy land and is just waiting for me to bed fed up. I can wait. I can wait a long time.
Let’s see how this goes.
Thank you for your encouragement. I feel I have another friend here on the board.
It was good to read your well thought out response to why present the numbers.
H has been upon his path a long time already, as you know. MLCers usually move pretty slow. They talk big, but do little - most times. For the big important stuff. The stuff that takes effort. They usually poke at the LBS in hopes for us to get fed up and do it, or for us to lash out to get a fire lit under them. I like your attitude of not taking the bait and just seeing where this goes.
You know you are financially alright, so move forward and live your life. H will do what he will anyhow, whichever course you are to take.
And yes, I’m a friend. (((PLC)))
D
Last edited by DnJ; 08/07/2011:40 AM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Honestly, although I know he is in the midst of a MLC, that with pretty much certainty began late 2016 early 2017. It took him two years to drop the B and another 15 months to drop the D word. I know when he told me that he wants a D, he believed it and he had also just come off of a successful weekend away. So in his mind, drop the bomb, get divorced and move onto OW. It’s been over a week now, and granted he was gone four days, nothing really changed when he came home.
I don’t know if he’s waiting for me to present him with the numbers, or if he’s in fantasy land and is just waiting for me to bed fed up. I can wait. I can wait a long time.
Hi PLC,
I’ve been reading along and am mostly caught up on your situation. It’s amazing how slow things move. I remember being told this and reading this on other people’s sites. But it really is quite baffling being presented with the want to divorce followed by a lot of inaction.
I think your right on both accounts ...H living in a fantasy land and wanting you to do the work = confusion shining through on their part. I too feel like my H wants me to do the work. I flat out refuse to do that and plan to wait as well. I find the tricky part is not getting caught up in watching him as I try to GAL.
I definitely am going to use this gift of time to work on me.
It feels weird this week. He is on his vacation with his uncle. (Dad couldn’t go at the last minute) I want to know how it is going. Our D25 got home and he left the same day. I assume he has texted her, but I don’t want to ask her as she knows what is going on and I don’t NEED to know.
I think this is the hardest “dropping the rope” I have struggled with. He told me when he was leaving, had normal chit chat (like before the second BD) but I do not want to reach out.
I feel conflicted because, I don’t know if his chatting was because he told me what he wanted and feels relief or if that even matters in his flitting thoughts. His social media has indicated where he is, but nothing giving anything away.
I’ll check back in. This just is making me uneasy and I dont know why.
Im back, literally seven minutes after I post that I feel uneasy. I am going to try and articulate why now…
Gut feeling tells me that this new wrinkle asking for a divorce is because he has a new OW. I recently went through his old IG posts when the first OW was in the picture and I can actually see the length of the relationship he had and the rollercoaster ride it was.
He now is in the “bloom” of a new OW, if history repeats, we are looking at about five or six months before it runs aground. Maybe it won’t. But regardless, I can tell there is some confidence. My therapist told me he really believes he wants a D because this time he told our D25. I think that is my uneasiness.
Maybe it isn’t MLC . Maybe he is just a 57 yo guy who has been in love with two different 20 something year olds in the last year. He also has bought a skateboard. Maybe he just wants to get a new activity?
A 57 year old guy infatuated with two different 20 something year olds. And he is taking up skateboarding. Wow. From my perspective, it looks pretty obvious he is trying to recapture his lost youth.
And by the way, no he is not in love. He only feels he is. It’s just the rush of hormones. Infatuation. A 30+ year age difference. Think of it, in the span of a year H found true love with some 20+ gal, dumped her, and found true love again with another 20+ gal. Hallmark of MLC.
I know how difficult it is to believe in MLC. To accept the things you’ve actually seen.
MLCers spin convincing tales. Their fantasy world must be maintained. They are masters of manipulation. Do not fall into the trap of believing his fantasy reality.
It sounds like you don’t know if there actually is OW2 or not. Fear response. Your imagination is leading you.
Picture that big red stop sign.
Drop the rope.
Focus on you.
What did you do this past weekend? What activities do you have planned for tomorrow?
My days off - I cut my grass, trimmed some trees, walked my dogs, visited my Dad in the care home, had supper with my Mom, watch a few movies, paid some bills, played the piano, and spoke with a new friend. That’s you btw. (((PLC)))
Stay strong. You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
This weekend was a frustrating one as D25 is moving back since getting her Masters. She will be looking for a job and hopefully out soon. With the way the world is, we can only hope. I like having her here, I just know that is not what she wants.
My week is work and tomorrow is a work from home day, I have IC appt by phone and I usually plan a nice dinner since I am home and can have a more detailed meal. I just need to be more focused on me.
It’s hard, because I want to reach out, see how his uncle (80) is enjoying the trip. I also would like to know how H is.
You mentioned I don’t know if there’s an OW2, I know there was a “visit” to someone while he was recently gone, but I do not know if it is “serious”.
Honestly, I just don’t know why this is hard this time. Maybe a good nights rest will help. Last year, he was gone three months and I never reached out to him.
Yes definitely a MLC. Fear of death and dying triggers an intense fear that they have "missed out" on something.
And to be fair, while I never understood MLC, I have come around to seeing why it is more common in some people. I have a family history of longevity and so have somewhat taken it for granted that I too will probably live to 90 or better. Therefore, turning 50 or 60 didn't really trigger fear in me. But for a man, especially if he has known other men who dropped dead of heart attacks in their 50's or 60's, the future might not look so certain. Even I, now, at 64 am starting to think about my bucket list and how I want to spend the next 20-30 years of my life. I'm not having a MLC but I can understand a little better where it comes from. My ex ALWAYS had a fear of death and aging, despite longevity in his family too, and I think it was tied in part to a good friend of his dying of a lightning strike at age 12.
That being said - don't put your daughter in the middle. no matter what. Don't ask her anything about her father unless she volunteers. Focus on showing her that YOU are strong and model for her what it looks like to recover from betrayal and go forward with your life. My kids were amazed that their mom took up playing the drums and then played in a punk cover band and now tours occasionally with a professional musician friend playing percussion. Their relief that I am doing okay makes them feel a little safer in the world that their father blew up.
Find some fun things to do with her while she's living with you. This may be a blessing that can take some of your focus off of your H and provide you with companionship at a time that it is hard to come by. Treat it as a unique opportunity to grow your relationship with her.
Also, be aware she may blow up at you - don't take it personally. They usually vent at the "safe" parent. She might even blame you for the breakup - don't bite. She can't vent at her father without risking losing his love. She's more secure in yours.
Stick to the high road and don't badmouth your H. It's ok to stick to the facts - that he had a previous affair, that you were hoping for marriage counseling/reconciliation but he is not open to that. Divorce is not your choice but you do not have the power to control his actions. That's enough information.
Trust me she will NOT be amused that he is dating women her age.
Maybe you and she can make vision boards together? Might be a fun evening.
Do your crying and moping in private. Her world is already shaken, she doesn't need to be worrying about you too - it only makes her feel more insecure in the world.
I posted my question before I noticed you responded. Thank you. I am totally afraid she is going to lash out at me. You’re right, I am the safe parent.
Last evening, I was angry that the house is still messy from her move home, and I really was so close to telling her I needed something I could control as her dad wanting a divorce was upending my life and I needed something that was a sure thing. (Organization) I didn’t, because I would be mad at her over his behavior, but I also I also am afraid that she’ll say, “ I understand why dad left” because she’s mad. I need to GAL for me and her.
I can’t mention the affairs as he doesn’t know I know. Everything will come out in time, but right now it is a secret.
