KC, I haven't had time to jump on here much lately. But when I do, I try to catch up on your threads. This whole thing with being chummy with H, you really struggle with that. You keep being told not to do it but you can't seem to help yourself. I think this is why Steve keeps driving home the point that you need to switch to written communication with H, because you simply cannot stop yourself from trying to nice him back whenever you talk to him.
Going dark isn't for your H, it's not going to bring him back. It's for you. It's to break you out of the pattern of trying to win him back through means that do not work. It's to help you detox and recover from this, and rebuild your life and move on to something better. Those of us who have been here a long time, we all eventually figured out that letting go is the ONLY way forward. Not SAYING we let go, but actually DOING it. I can always tell when someone has well and truly dropped the rope because their posts take on a distinctly different tone. Most of their posts become about them, their kids, their GAL, their work. They hardly mention their spouse. And they're not faking it, their interest level really drops off to where their spouse is no longer an important part of their life.
Just look at your posts- H did this. H did that. H called and said this. H did this, he must be thinking XYZ. I wonder why H said ABC, what does that mean? I'm eating lunch with H's kid and not going to talk about H, but then he said this about H so I had to talk about H because I don't want to be rude. I have to do this paperwork for H. I wonder if H paid his bills this month? I wonder if I should ask H this or that. For months and months and months EVERYTHING you post is about H. You might make one or even two posts about something else, then it's right back to H.
THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. Your future depends on it. Your MARRIAGE depends on it. I've read stories and have also seen in my real life people trying to get off of heroin. You simply would not believe the excuses and rationalizations drug addicts will make to keep doing drugs while trying to "recover". One woman I knew was being driven to rehab by her mom and actually told her she needed to stop and get something to "help me be more clearheaded when I get there to check in." Can you guess what that something was? God bless her mom's soul but the poor fool actually took her to her dealer and gave her money and she literally shot up while driving to the rehab place.
This is you with your H. You're finding every excuse you can to take a small hit of H. Hey it's just a phone call, what's the harm in asking how he's doing? 40 minutes later you are high as a kite on H, and he hangs up and the withdrawals start.
I'm not sure the people here can lead you out of this. I don't think they/ we can, because you would be better by now, and you're not. So again I will reiterate what others have been telling you for months- you need to get into IC. Whatever bad experience you had before, that's just an excuse you're making. You are exactly the same as the drug addict that finds reasons not to go to rehab. Please do it, your life is quite literally at stake here.
"right now I'm finalizing S19's move to college so it will have to be after X date, in the meantime please get me the insurance information I have requested"
Why do you two need to "get together"? This is mysterious, given how much my ex-W and I (and my GF and her ex-H) settled over e-mail. "I'm really busy this week. Would you e-mail any questions or concerns and I'll get back to you a.s.a.p.? I still need that insurance info I requested to finalize the papers. Thanks!"
Note, I stripped out the update on what's going on in your life.
Truly felt much more detached after lunch with SS20.
Meeting up in person to write down agreement/offer prevents misunderstandings and accusations that I did not listen to him OR how I got it wrong. Allows him to sign.
It just seemed to be faster than constant going back and forth?
IDK
I'm in no rush to meet up. FRANKLY, I am busy now and for awhile.
As for the blurb about S19 - probably not necessary but he will know its truth and I'm not stalling by saying "I'm busy" when he feels I've had months to get this done..... but I see your point.
Well not going to hold my breath on when he gets back to me... not going to worry about it.
Mowed the yard for the first time in 10yr... LOL. I'm going to miss my indentured servant as he goes off to college.
Sitting outside enjoying my back yard. I'm blessed though it needs some work. The lot is heavily shaded so trouble growing grass. Have taken out 15trees in the last 10yr.
I've been eating outside and chillaxin' while on the computer or even just knitting.
I won't lie... I'm super stoked about getting to knit baby stuff!!!!
S19 is away with friends for 5 days. S19 said this was my "free trial"... as he officially leaves for college in 6 days. It has been incredibly quiet at the house. I do have some things to go through and organize so I think the first 8-9weeks I will have that to focus on.
I suddenly have have 6 days off coming up and it was just supposed to be 3... nice surprise but maybe I shouldn't be home the extra 3 days right after moving S19 to school??? Maybe I should go into work anyway? Need to figure that out.
Listening to the squirrels and watching the activity at the bird feeder.
I looked great every time he was at the house. I was strong, calm and gentle boxing his things up and helping him to load his truck to leave me.
I could have been the witch... thrown the stuff outside... refused to be the least bit helpful.
I hoped that one day down the road when the smoke has cleared I would be viewed as having so much strength at a time when I was completely gutted.
Today is just a hard day.
I have eluded earlier that I had some feelings to sort through after my lunch with stepson. I'm still not sure how to put my feelings into words so I don't really want judged as it may come out wrong here.
I feel cheated and wronged out of my family. My H knew I was struggling with being an empty nester as S19 leaves for college soon. To the point that last Christmas I had talked about having our 2 older newphews (H's side) come to the house this summer for a sleepover and time at the pool... that of course never happened for reasons we all know now.
Now there is a grandbaby to be here soon.
OW will get to have all the joy with H over the baby... I'm left behind. Since I was only ever a stepparent I'm disposable. There is just so much rawness right now. I know it will not always hurt this bad.
I called out H today... He texted last weekend about getting together for paperwork and then didn't respond for 3 days... so I said you didn't get back to me about this paperwork you asked about, you never got back to S19 to take him out to dinner and you never followed through with help getting S19 to college.
I reached my tipping point and i am not proud. Yes - I should have kept my mouth shut.
Its been 6months... 6months... so why now... why today when I have been occasionally liking or commenting on SS20 and fiance's posts that now you choose to block me... what in the heck have I done to you??? I didn't walk out on your or cheat/lie to you. I never go to H's page or OW's page --- not interested and don't need the heartache... EVER.
I contacted my SS20 and stated I would like to knit things for the future baby but only with his blessing.
I've stuffed so much down for so long and it just boiled over today.... now that is out there I can deal with it and move on.
I looked great every time he was at the house. I was strong, calm and gentle boxing his things up and helping him to load his truck to leave me.
KK on paper it's great but it was all manipulation.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I could have been the witch... thrown the stuff outside... refused to be the least bit helpful.
KK on paper it's great but it was all manipulation. You thought that if you didn't act like his ex he would reconsider.
Originally Posted by KitCat
OW will get to have all the joy with H over the baby... I'm left behind. Since I was only ever a stepparent I'm disposable. There is just so much rawness right now. I know it will not always hurt this bad.
I'm am sorry and understand being a step parent in a divorce must be difficult. Your time will come with your son.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I called out H today... He texted last weekend about getting together for paperwork and then didn't respond for 3 days... so I said you didn't get back to me about this paperwork you asked about, you never got back to S19 to take him out to dinner and you never followed through with help getting S19 to college.
It's amazing how you still have expectations of this D bag.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I reached my tipping point and i am not proud. Yes - I should have kept my mouth shut.
It's important to learn to control your emotions.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Its been 6months... 6months... so why now... why today when I have been occasionally liking or commenting on SS20 and fiance's posts that now you choose to block me... what in the heck have I done to you??? I didn't walk out on your or cheat/lie to you. I never go to H's page or OW's page --- not interested and don't need the heartache... EVER.
How do you know he blocked you?
Originally Posted by KitCat
I contacted my SS20 and stated I would like to knit things for the future baby but only with his blessing.
I think that was nice of you.
KK unfortunately you are going to struggle for awhile because I think you are finally out of the denial phase. The bargaining, anger and depression stages are not fun. Just try to be kind and patient with yourself.
I looked great every time he was at the house. I was strong, calm and gentle boxing his things up and helping him to load his truck to leave me.
I could have been the witch... thrown the stuff outside... refused to be the least bit helpful.
I hoped that one day down the road when the smoke has cleared I would be viewed as having so much strength at a time when I was completely gutted.
Today is just a hard day.
I have eluded earlier that I had some feelings to sort through after my lunch with stepson. I'm still not sure how to put my feelings into words so I don't really want judged as it may come out wrong here.
I feel cheated and wronged out of my family. My H knew I was struggling with being an empty nester as S19 leaves for college soon. To the point that last Christmas I had talked about having our 2 older newphews (H's side) come to the house this summer for a sleepover and time at the pool... that of course never happened for reasons we all know now.
Now there is a grandbaby to be here soon.
OW will get to have all the joy with H over the baby... I'm left behind. Since I was only ever a stepparent I'm disposable. There is just so much rawness right now. I know it will not always hurt this bad.
Yep, unfortunately sometimes life isn't fair. However, that is just the way things sometimes work out. It stinks, it isn't ideal, but those are things out of your control. Even if you and H got back together, based on how your SS spoke of his father, it would be unlikely to improve any. In fact, you might actually be in a better position post D to be more involved in the step-grand-baby's life than you would be reconciling with your H. When life sends rain, look for rainbows.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I called out H today... He texted last weekend about getting together for paperwork and then didn't respond for 3 days... so I said you didn't get back to me about this paperwork you asked about, you never got back to S19 to take him out to dinner and you never followed through with help getting S19 to college.
WHAT? THE? HECK? Really?!?! And where in the DB manual did you see that this was the best thing to do?
Originally Posted by KitCat
I reached my tipping point and i am not proud. Yes - I should have kept my mouth shut.
Its been 6months... 6months... so why now... why today when I have been occasionally liking or commenting on SS20 and fiance's posts that now you choose to block me... what in the heck have I done to you??? I didn't walk out on your or cheat/lie to you. I never go to H's page or OW's page --- not interested and don't need the heartache... EVER.
I contacted my SS20 and stated I would like to knit things for the future baby but only with his blessing.
I've stuffed so much down for so long and it just boiled over today.... now that is out there I can deal with it and move on.
I know you know, after the fact, that it was not the best move. So KC, how do we get you to understand this BEFORE doing something that sets you back? Did you read AS's response?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Manipulation??? Or just trying to act as if --- like he didn't break me... Wouldn't throwing a hissy fit, being nasty or avoiding also be manipulating him by just being the opposite looking for attention. There isn't anyway to win this but looking back wouldn't it better than I acted with self respect and kindness???
Personally at that point - yes, I wanted to behave in a way that would allow a path back to our relationship. If you told me to act like a total witch because it works I would have done that instead.
When I say I went off on my H.... well let's be real. I wasn't angry. I wasn't hateful. In one short sentence I pointed out that his words don't even come close to his actions... sure I could have put on there the motorbike ride offer... the offer to make more dog treats. But, I kept it to one sentence. To point out that his words CLEARLY mean NOTHING.
I'm disposable --- his dad is not. H and I always talked that SS20 was our only chance for grandkids as we highly believe that the two younger ones will not. Its hard enough to feel that H can toss me out.... but my stepkids too??? I realize their position is not an easy one either. AND, that is why I left it to SS20 let me know what he is comfortable with.
From a passing comment SS20 made which I did not discuss its clear that H's narrative is to vilify me - he told SS20 that he has the puppy because I couldn't handle him... WHAT??? I went to great lengths on trying to decide what was the best for everyone... me, the puppy, H. And, wait... who can't handle him??? He called me twice with puppy emergencies the first week he had him.
As for the block - SS20pic showed up on my FB feed and H commented but I can't see it because after 6months he feels now is the time to block me. WHATEVER.
H tried to say that S19 has been busy (not) in regards to dinner and does he really need help because he is only gone 3months.... well if that's the case does OW daughter need help moving cause she is only gone 3months too... but that is a priority for ya!
Thanks for letting me vent. It helps to get it out so I can get over it.
Oh - lets' add salt to my wound as my MIL texted me by mistake today.... SERIOUSLY... the universe is crushing my last nerve
Manipulation??? Or just trying to act as if --- like he didn't break me... Wouldn't throwing a hissy fit, being nasty or avoiding also be manipulating him by just being the opposite looking for attention. There isn't anyway to win this but looking back wouldn't it better than I acted with self respect and kindness???
Somewhere in between. Boxing up his stuff and leaving it in the garage.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Personally at that point - yes, I wanted to behave in a way that would allow a path back to our relationship. If you told me to act like a total witch because it works I would have done that instead.
Again somewhere in between. Show him you have respect for yourself.
Originally Posted by KitCat
When I say I went off on my H.... well let's be real. I wasn't angry. I wasn't hateful. In one short sentence I pointed out that his words don't even come close to his actions... sure I could have put on there the motorbike ride offer... the offer to make more dog treats. But, I kept it to one sentence. To point out that his words CLEARLY mean NOTHING.
Again, why do you expect anything from him????????
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm disposable --- his dad is not. H and I always talked that SS20 was our only chance for grandkids as we highly believe that the two younger ones will not. Its hard enough to feel that H can toss me out.... but my stepkids too??? I realize their position is not an easy one either. AND, that is why I left it to SS20 let me know what he is comfortable with.
Serious speculation
Originally Posted by KitCat
From a passing comment SS20 made which I did not discuss its clear that H's narrative is to vilify me - he told SS20 that he has the puppy because I couldn't handle him... WHAT??? I went to great lengths on trying to decide what was the best for everyone... me, the puppy, H. And, wait... who can't handle him??? He called me twice with puppy emergencies the first week he had him.
Yep. He has to justify his wrong doings. Pretty standard but you still are in love him no matter what.
Originally Posted by KitCat
As for the block - SS20pic showed up on my FB feed and H commented but I can't see it because after 6months he feels now is the time to block me. WHATEVER.
He may be trying to spare your feelings.
Originally Posted by KitCat
H tried to say that S19 has been busy (not) in regards to dinner and does he really need help because he is only gone 3months.... well if that's the case does OW daughter need help moving cause she is only gone 3months too... but that is a priority for ya!
And your shocked? Of course that's where his priorities are but you love him no matter what.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Thanks for letting me vent. It helps to get it out so I can get over it.
How about moving forward you post only about you and your son. What's next for you two?
