You're focused on her reactions. Hopefully that's not why you filed.
Regarding your kids, all I can say is my own relationship with my kids is way deeper now than it was when I saw them everyday during the MR. Quality over time. You'll be fine if you keep your focus on them.
It's an anxious time, have compassion for yourself. I think it's going to be hard for you to detach from her reactions.
I agree again with U. It reads like you are trying to see if she will react to what you do, and that you may be hoping it will snap her out of it.
The reason she said it seems sudden is because for her - it is. Timelines do not matter here, as I've said before. I've also written to you several times before that there is no logic here. From what you wrote about her reaction, it sounds like she is squarely in that zone. Applying logic to someone who lacks logic will not work.
I would seriously think about what you want to do. If you're having that many doubts about your decision, you may need to do some soul-searching and figure out what it is you really want. I would spend some time discussing it in IC.
Read other posters here. Do a lot of reading. For example, look up DnJ, read the MLC resources top to bottom. I think you will find a lot there that can help you.
Find a way to stop reacting when she reacts. Like U said - detach.
I'm sure on the decision here to D. I didn't D for a reaction but rather to get me and the kids to a more stable environment. I reached my limit of neglect, criticism, control and see myself as valuable enough to move away from that.
Originally Posted by Ironwill
The reason she said it seems sudden is because for her - it is. Timelines do not matter here, as I've said before. I've also written to you several times before that there is no logic here. From what you wrote about her reaction, it sounds like she is squarely in that zone. Applying logic to someone who lacks logic will not work.
If thats true, its just so unfortunate for her. I haven't seen a tear shed over her ending the M, ruining her kids chance at a nuclear family, the pain the kids will experience over the years. The only time she seems upset is when she realizes she'll see the kids less.
I see I'm still hoping for a real apology....sorry its come to this, sorry I drove you to file, sorry for hurting you, its my fault for such and such. How does one plan to be amicable and coparent without ever cleaning up the damage they did.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I'm sure on the decision here to D. I didn't D for a reaction but rather to get me and the kids to a more stable environment. I reached my limit of neglect, criticism, control and see myself as valuable enough to move away from that.
If thats true, its just so unfortunate for her.
Yes it is. That's why it's a crisis. That's why we have compassion for what they are going through - all is not right in their world.
Originally Posted by Core
I haven't seen a tear shed over her ending the M, ruining her kids chance at a nuclear family, the pain the kids will experience over the years. The only time she seems upset is when she realizes she'll see the kids less.
See above.
Originally Posted by Core
I see I'm still hoping for a real apology....sorry its come to this, sorry I drove you to file, sorry for hurting you, its my fault for such and such.
Those are expectations. You may never get those things. Read DnJ's thread if you want to know what that's like.
Originally Posted by Core
How does one plan to be amicable and coparent without ever cleaning up the damage they did.
Forgiveness is a two way street. You can start working on forgiving her. What she does is not in your control.
What if you didn't care? What if you let her be? What if you just went on with your life?
As usual with my posts, events have me spinning a bit. W was served a couple days ago. She chatted with me a couple times since. Asking me what to do, what I want. Blaming me for filing and not discussing it. Says she was still figuiring out what she wanted to do. She had a few blatant lies in the discussions. What has me confused though is how normal she is acting. Like not angry, not sad. Totally stable. Thats a good thing dont get me wrong. Im surprised to see it.
This is a standard behavior for WWs. They will not show you emotion.
Originally Posted by Core
Im surprised she had no plan for Ding yet. None. Not sure what she did the past few months. Im also shocked that someone can be discussing the end of an M with little to no emotion.
See above
Originally Posted by Core
I realise a part of me was hoping she'd at least be upset. Ive seen myself as valuable so the easy discards affecting me a bit.
You didn't get the reaction you wanted. Very predictable
Originally Posted by Core
Also this makes me seem like the crazier unstable one.
Core I am sorry but you are the more emotionally unstable one.
Originally Posted by Core
Such as, how am I the only one upset, how does she have no guilt, if shes this stable while talking D, then surely the problem is me.
She just has a better handle on her emotions than you. If you remember I encouraged you to give it time until you were emotionally stronger.
Originally Posted by Core
I wonder how much W was making up during the chats and what was manipulating. She's talking sense in the discussions or it seems that way.
Mindreading. Waster of time.
Originally Posted by Core
Its so much more real now. Back when they served her, it felt official. As I've mostly been checked out since March it should be easier but her seeming so normal and stable has me feeling guilty.
I am confused as to why that makes you feel guilty. Sounds to me like you are heading for a pretty amicable D in which you both want.
Originally Posted by Core
Hoping you all have some 2x4s or something to club me with. I was 100% sure when I filed, I know shes not good for me, I know I'll be just fine yet my workouts are lacking, anxiety is seeping in a bit more and a few conversations have me doubting what I did was right. Just awful facing the last few days.
Again, seem to me that it went about as good as one could hope. I must be missing something.
Originally Posted by Core
I'm sure on the decision here to D. I didn't D for a reaction but rather to get me and the kids to a more stable environment. I reached my limit of neglect, criticism, control and see myself as valuable enough to move away from that.
Ok. Great! Then move forward with an amicable D and move on with you life.
Originally Posted by Core
I see I'm still hoping for a real apology....sorry its come to this, sorry I drove you to file, sorry for hurting you, its my fault for such and such. How does one plan to be amicable and coparent without ever cleaning up the damage they did.
Are you going to apologize for your role in this situation? Why can't you coparent amicably? Again I am really confused. You want a D and she wants a D. That should set up perfectly to coparent.
You can amiCably coparent because you coparent for your kids benefit . Amicably coparenting is for the kids, not for you, not for her, not for the Marriage, not for your relationship with your ex.
I have made it this far amicably coparenting because I have placed the focus on what my best outcome for my child is, not on my personal feelings towards the end of our marriage and the betrayal. And I have to deal with the ex and his affair partner.
You have to make it not about you, and just the kids
This was good to read, thank you IW, LH and Ginger.
IW, good point on forgiveness. Something I'll look in to more. I don't want to forgive someone whom isnt seeking forgiveness but I know that only hurts me. The principle bugs me, you did X hurting all of us yet are facing almost no repercussions.
LH you're right that I'm more unstable than her. How one turns off the emotion I dont get. Its like she completely separates and ignores it. For me, its there till I face and resolve it. I suppose the problem is that this wasnt amicable at first. It took months of living with this version of her to get there. You are right that its going about as good as one would hope....im surprised it is. Her reactions when I took the MBR, asked for mediation, confronted her affair were way different. Emotionally charged then and with conflict. For my role in the situation, I apologized from the heart a few times months back. Sincerely, thoroughly and thoughtfully.
Good points Ginger. What gets me is shes asking if she can still come over to see the kids, still do stuff as a family. Why would I want to do any of it with someone who did what she did?
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
For my role in the situation, I apologized from the heart a few times months back. Sincerely, thoroughly and thoughtfully.
That's good. I bet it made you feel better.
Originally Posted by Core
Good points Ginger. What gets me is shes asking if she can still come over to see the kids, still do stuff as a family. Why would I want to do any of it with someone who did what she did?
Just tell her you don't feel comfortable with that arrangement.
Core I think you are going to have a tough time playing the victim when you filed. Again I am not saying filing was wrong. I just mean you have to stop playing the victim.
Remember that you can't force someone to have feeling for you.
17 years together, 15 years married. BD to divorce in less than 3 months. 18 months out and no apology, no tears shed, seems thrilled to be rid of me. Don't even worry about that. Co-parent the best you can for your kids. That should be your primary focus.
