I joined here after reading Michele's book 'The Sex-Starved Marriage' and wanted to get my story out here because I could use any help before it's too late. Sorry this is going to be long, but necessary so you understand the whole picture.
My wife and I are 34, we have two boys (9 and 6), and have been married 12 years as of last month. Over the past 7 years I have gone from being fully involved in my marriage to being complacent, depressed on and off, and anxious. I will admit now that this is all my fault/undoing. We've pinpointed the downward spiral to a certain time, shortly after our 2nd son was born in 2013. I felt overwhelmed and underprepared for another kid (despite being excited up to that point). I realize now that I had hopes & dreams of doing more career-related things, but you know how that goes right?
I basically shut down emotionally and my wife had to pick up the slack in terms of money (she got a degree and a better job) while I just coasted in my job (changed jobs a couple times now). I helped with child-rearing and such but things started falling apart (i.e. sex life, communication, career drive). This was also around the time that my in-laws separated due to infidelity. Not saying a lot on her parents, but she came from an abusive household which to this day is still very toxic. I didn't know how to handle that, or other things that would arise in the following years (her father trying to assault her, her father dying). Her mother has been just vicious and condescending as well. We've h I just shut down.
I didn't start actual therapy until early last year (by this point our sex life had all but disappeared and communication was superficial). My wife is hard-working and strives to be the best at what she does. I have so much trouble finding that drive. I get complacent if things seem fine, but things really haven't been. There have been repeated discussions about me taking charge of these things: Finances, communication, and intimacy. All things I have either been afraid of or unsure how to handle.
We are now at the point where she feels so alone and hurt that she is ready to leave. She just got setup on a separate checking account where she has some control over finances. We are splitting the bills hoping this is a step in the right direction. I've setup a couples' session tomorrow with my therapist to see what more we can do. I need help chasing her even though she's my wife. She admitted she chased me when we were dating, so I never really did it. I'm hurting and wanting to make changes now that prove I can be better. I'm kicking myself for letting things spiral for so long.
I am happy to clarify anything here, but I know I have a wonderful person as my wife and need to change now to save our marriage. I'm scared. So scared of falling back into what I was like. Any and all help is appreciated. Thank you.
Last edited by job; 08/03/2006:31 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 08:23 AM. Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
To add to this, I have grown afraid of having huge discussions, especially involving things I need to work on. It's hard to talk about money, sex, careers, etc. Most nights we are just both on our phones doing nothing. We had a huge discussion over the past week which led to me admitting that I wasn't making my wife a priority among other things. I have been improving on things like exercise, mental health, etc, but what I didn't realize was that those were only things for me. I'm struggling because I need to re-learn how to engage my wife and chase her; show her she is still worth fighting for. I wish I could go back 7 years and smack myself for how I was behaving. I just want to make things better and prove she is worth everything.
To add to this, I have grown afraid of having huge discussions, especially involving things I need to work on. It's hard to talk about money, sex, careers, etc. Most nights we are just both on our phones doing nothing. We had a huge discussion over the past week which led to me admitting that I wasn't making my wife a priority among other things. I have been improving on things like exercise, mental health, etc, but what I didn't realize was that those were only things for me. I'm struggling because I need to re-learn how to engage my wife and chase her; show her she is still worth fighting for. I wish I could go back 7 years and smack myself for how I was behaving. I just want to make things better and prove she is worth everything.
This was also around the time that my in-laws separated due to infidelity. Not saying a lot on her parents, but she came from an abusive household which to this day is still very toxic. I didn't know how to handle that, or other things that would arise in the following years (her father trying to assault her, her father dying). Her mother has been just vicious and condescending as well.
This is all out of your hands. You support your family first and always. You offer emotional support and stay out of her family's business unless specifically asked for help or opinions.
I am a former football coach. I like simplicity a lot of times.
Quote
Most nights we are just both on our phones doing nothing.
Quote
We had a huge discussion over the past week which led to me admitting that I wasn't making my wife a priority among other thing
Quote
There have been repeated discussions about me taking charge of these things: Finances, communication, and intimacy.
You know these things better than me. The choice is simple: you can experience the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.
Discipline for football players meant hard work in practice, discipline and coordinated team actions, weight room, conditioning, character choices, and learning from mistakes. Pain of regret was watching yourself shoot yourself in the foot, make mental errors, and being lazy.
So what do you choose?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
This was also around the time that my in-laws separated due to infidelity. Not saying a lot on her parents, but she came from an abusive household which to this day is still very toxic. I didn't know how to handle that, or other things that would arise in the following years (her father trying to assault her, her father dying). Her mother has been just vicious and condescending as well.
This is all out of your hands. You support your family first and always. You offer emotional support and stay out of her family's business unless specifically asked for help or opinions.
I am a former football coach. I like simplicity a lot of times.
Quote
Most nights we are just both on our phones doing nothing.
Quote
We had a huge discussion over the past week which led to me admitting that I wasn't making my wife a priority among other thing
Quote
There have been repeated discussions about me taking charge of these things: Finances, communication, and intimacy.
You know these things better than me. The choice is simple: you can experience the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.
Discipline for football players meant hard work in practice, discipline and coordinated team actions, weight room, conditioning, character choices, and learning from mistakes. Pain of regret was watching yourself shoot yourself in the foot, make mental errors, and being lazy.
So what do you choose?
After everything - I choose Discipline. I appreciate your words. Thank you.
husbran, I keep seeing you talk about "chasing" your wife. You really need to read the distance-pursuit thread. In fact, you need to read job's post above. Follow every link Read every word.
Do yourself a favor and get and read Divorce Remedy.
Start DBing. And here is a hint, chasing your W isn't it. It won't work. Likely by this time it will chase her right out the door.
Go out a get a life. Continue to self-improve (180s), and work on emotional detachment. Your chance to chase her is gone, it might have worked 6 months ago, a year ago, etc, but once the spouse is ready to leave chasing is too little too late.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve is saying it is likely too late for pursuit to work. I don't have a good handle on where she is at with everything. Is she preparing to divorce, just preparing mentally, or what?
Ultimately, DB'ing is "doing what works". If pursuit works, great. For most situations here it is too late. Give us more info if you can.
And don't dwell on the past, feeling hurt or down, it will only hinder your growth. Say your piece, ask your forgiveness, then move on with your personal growth.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I have basically been inactive in 3 areas: intimacy, career, and finances. She feels she's doing everything and I am dragging my feet. I feel I have some hope/direction after our couples session today with my therapist. My W was loaned a book from her IC called 'Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum to read. She's going to read it and based on that and her feelings whether or not she stays. I will be reading this too once she's done. We had some tough conversation today and plenty of tears. I didn't fight anything during this.
We agreed to work on a few things and meet again with my therapist.
I have to work on rebuilding emotional intimacy. I need to find some good resources on how to begin that healing.
I have to be transparent with my half of the finances at all times. We will meet a couple times/week to go over them.
I also need to work on having deeper conversations with her, not just superficial ones you could have with complete strangers. This includes checking in once/week on how I'm doing with her.
I have to be very careful here because I've let things go radio silent before. I truly do not want to repeat this. I want to get my marriage back.
We talked last night and it was determined that I need to figure out what caused me to start this complacency 6 years ago. This is roughly late 2013-early 2014. Our 2nd son was born, we had more responsibility, etc. I feel like even though I wanted a 2nd child I wasn't mentally ready to help raise two kids. I didn't realize how taxing it was. She said that's when I checked out mentally. I threw up my hands and she had to do more. To help with this, it needs to be put out there that we came from two very different households. My parents were not abusive and gave a lot to myself and my brother (everything handed to us, etc). My wife grew up in a household where she was mentally abused and made to feel lesser all the time. She worked hard (and still does) to get what she wants in life. I give off the impression that I wait for things to happen. I don't have the drive she does. I'm pretty sure I started to lose that after our 2nd kid came along. My job at the time seemed promising, but I never got to move up due to it being a small company and such. I've since had two more jobs and now I'm in a company where there's potential to move up, but you have to work at it.
I had a realization over the course of my lunch on all this. One thing that has followed me well into adulthood is the fact that I always wax nostalgic over my childhood. I've never really wanted to grow up. I know that's the case because I've held on to so much from then. I have totes of stuff from then, I still enjoy hanging out at my parents' house a lot, and I look to them for so much. I know I'm going to catch a lot of heat on this, but it really makes sense. Even before I met my wife I had times like this where I just wanted to be a kid again.
Being like this explains why I haven't taken the responsibilities I have seriously. After my kids were born I had grown further from my own childhood but wasn't ready to accept it and move on to the next phase of life. It explains the disconnect, the complacency, the lack of intimacy. At times my wife has said she has 3 kids in the house (including me). It really does make sense now. I need to approach my wife with this but also have an action plan. Thanks for listening all.
