What annoys me the most is I have made made so many changes and done so much work that she recognises and now she is vocalising at least some of her faults (expect the one where she let the OM in) and YET because she is now so deep in the fog and fantasy nothing can be done with any of it.
Sooo you made all these changes in you that have been engrained in you for 39 years in two months. How many are likely to stick? Did you know that 90% of the people on the biggest loser gain their weight back? Why? Because changes needs to be gradual over a long period of time to stick.
Originally Posted by WMWB
Such powerful knowledge to be able to move forward to have made our marriage stronger (if the A didn't happen OR at least she recognised and was really remorseful for that as well)
If the A didn't happen you wouldn't have been motivated to make any changes. Change is hard. That's why most people never change.
Oh these changes will stick and I have been active in these changes since she left in April. They where more for myself and not just for my marriage. Things like the weight loss where 100% for me as she never had an issue with how I looked and what my weight was and says she is still attracted to me. Losing the weight had the added side effect of making me more confident but more importantly its helped my overall mental health and I am enjoying it. As soon as the swimming pools and gyms open back up here I will certainly be maintaining it.
Financial changes are in full swing with 90% of our (or my now) debt has been paid off and I have started concentrating on saving. Before she left I had spoken to my employers as I recognised we where not having enough time together I explained that to them which opened the door for me to apply for a new position and that meant I could work standard M-F 9/5 position which I had not done for a long time.
Everything my wife complained about where VERY practical problems that had we both put our heads together we could have worked on very easily (money, not going out enough, spending too much time working etc). Which is why it really grates on me she didn't speak up about how "unhappy" she was, should I have recognised it thats one I grapple with but I certainly should have been more aware of what was happening in my marriage.
Of course being able to save money and not impulse buying is behavioural and is something that I am still actively working on as in if I do want to buy something I will make sure to have savings away and what I want to buy should be covered by cleared funds.
Uggh was going through some stuff and to put it away and came across a valentines card saying I was the best husband and she didn't know what love was until she met me and that she loves me more and more each day and would never stop loving me.
Why bother writing it if your according to her so unhappy. This is what makes me think that her meeting this OM is what's driving all of this rather than the crap she spouts out about how bad our marriage was.
I suspect it was not long after (March) that this OM declared to her he had feelings for her (they had been texting as "friends" since Jan).
Uggh was going through some stuff and to put it away and came across a valentines card saying I was the best husband and she didn't know what love was until she met me and that she loves me more and more each day and would never stop loving me.
Why bother writing it if your according to her so unhappy. This is what makes me think that her meeting this OM is what's driving all of this rather than the crap she spouts out about how bad our marriage was.
In the depths of my W's unhappiness with the marriage, I would cards like this for VD, my birthday, etc. I chalked it up to her trying to improve things, to try to convince herself that she still felt this way, and to have an impact on me at the time. In my case, I had become a pretty miserable jerk, and I really think things like this was her way of trying to make me see that I had things to be thankful for."Maybe if I remind him how I feel, he will change."
And you may be right about OM. But I will say these things are a perfect storm usually. The WAS is unhappy, as is the LBS. Things in the relationship have deteriorated. A new person comes along, and shows interest. When they find out there is an opening (the WAS is unhappy) they swoop in with support, and with sharing their feelings for the WAS, etc. Without the one, the other wouldn't matter. It is a combination of factors.
The good news is that whether it was your W just wanting something new and putting herself out there, or OM driving it, or whatever it is, it doesn't change what you should be doing. You should still DB as well as you possible can.
And yes, the WAS will spout a lot of "reasons" that may or may not be based in fact. These "reasons" are justifications, whether true or made up, so they can relieve the guilt they are feeling because they know that it is wrong.
Originally Posted by WMWB
I suspect it was not long after (March) that this OM declared to her he had feelings for her (they had been texting as "friends" since Jan).
Why does this matter?
Originally Posted by WMWB
Man it all screws with your head this stuff.
Yes it does. Especially if the LBS sits and stews in their sitch instead of taking the focus off of their WAS, go out and GAL, work on themselves (180s), and detach. If the LBS struggles in any of those 3 then they will usually struggle with "this stuff" messing with their heads and keeping them stuck in place. The LBSs that we see struggle here the most are the ones that just sit and stew instead of picking themselves up by their bootstraps and moving forward.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It doesn't matter in the long run of things but I mention it because I saw that as the turning point and the touch down of the tornado that was about to begin.
@sandi2
My wife actually hadn't long given birth when I met her (around 6 months). You asked a great question in that what would I do differently if I knew it wasn't the fogged brain talking, I think thats what I honestly struggle with the most, I think if the OM was not involved at least I could be clear in my own thoughts that perhaps her judgment and or her feelings towards me where not being clouded by the highs of this new "relastionship".
"I think if the OM was not involved at least I could be clear in my own thoughts that perhaps her judgment and or her feelings towards me where not being clouded by the highs of this new "relastionship"."
^^ I can heavily relate to that. I'll be following along to see what the vets advise.
I think if the OM was not involved at least I could be clear in my own thoughts that perhaps her judgment and or her feelings towards me where not being clouded by the highs of this new "relastionship".
Realistically someone having an affair like this is usually a "last straw" versus a spur of the moment decision. In most relationships needs don't get met, resentments build up, and just pile up over time. When you're living in the same space there's a lot of motivation to compromise and keep the peace, but usually under the surface there's stuff brewing that isn't getting discussed, usually because both people convince themselves that it's just a temporary issue and will go away on its own.
I read somewhere that for people in a relationship to characterize it as "happy", positive interactions need to outweigh negative ones by a ratio of 7:1. For every one time you come away from an exchange annoyed, you have to come away from seven others feeling good. That's a pretty difficult thing to achieve for most people. If you're shy of that, the resentment snowball is growing.
An affair is escapism for sure, and its usually the result of a chance opportunity, or a thousand micro-escalations that happened without any forethought. What it's really a symptom of, however, is conflict avoidance.
For a relationship to be successful both people need to be willing to blow it up on occasion, argue it out and be prepared to walk if a compromise can't be reached. That takes a lot of strength and self-confidence. For more often people stuff it down and pave over it and eventually you're sitting on a volcano that's ready to blow.
Point is, regardless of the affair one or both of you weren't happy. Usually its just a matter of timing in terms of who pulls the rip cord first.
That's why it's now important to separate the desire for the person, from the desire for resumption of control, stability, and positive validation. Your brain is telling you that getting W back will restore these things, but it won't.
So ask yourself, what do you want and why do you want it?
"I think if the OM was not involved at least I could be clear in my own thoughts that perhaps her judgment and or her feelings towards me where not being clouded by the highs of this new "relastionship"."
^^ I can heavily relate to that. I'll be following along to see what the vets advise.
Yes, it is very tempting for the LBS to fixate on the A and the OP. The problem is that it changes nothing that you should be doing. You should still be focusing on you, GAL, 180s and detachment. The only area it matters is in being physically intimate. Never be physically intimate with a spouse in an PA. You have to protect your own health in those cases.
But short of that you should still be DBing. I do think that in certain cases maybe a little more tough-love is necessary per sandi, but that is more about not allowing cake-eating.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also agree about asking the personal questions should have left it alone, I guess as her husband I have been so used to taking care of her that it was a natural question to make sure she was going to be alright. However if she said she didn't know I would have said well you need to think about that now (I wouldn't have offered help).
No 2X4, this was just funny to me. This is just to show you something you may not catch in yourself. Like you said, your brain is trained to taking care of her. You would have told her what....(or maybe, when) she should think.........but you wouldn't offer to help her. (smh) Guess you need to train yourself to let her think for herself? Funny!
Seriously, I can't imagine the weight of the burden you took at 16 yrs old. A wife and a baby!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
(smh) Guess you need to train yourself to let her think for herself? 
Funny!