I second what Yail said.... and is it a sign of how self-absorbed I am that my first thought was dang, I need to start doing yoga again too! Apparently my mental health isn't important enough for me to carve out the time, but maybe my vanity is
This all sounds good. Hopefully you can have some control over when the paperwork is delivered as it would be better with the girls with you. Fingers crossed that the trips still work out-- will you go somewhere else? Or quarantine when you return?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I need to do yoga too!!! Proud of you FS. This is a good thing... I promise. I’m with everyone else on this. Your H is having his cake and eating it too. It’s not fair. He needs to let you go and stop using the kids as his reason for keeping you where you are. It has nothing to do with them...it’s all about him. I know this is going to be hard but you can do it and there will come a day when you will look back and wonder what took you so long. I promise!!! People told me that two years ago and I did not believe them. I could not even imagine living and loving a different life but here I am... As DnJ said... whole and healed. It is a great place to be and you are one of the main people who helped get me there. Love you so much for it!!! (((HUGS)))
Yes - FS is yoga fit. But honestly, I didn't do it for the arms/back (which is a great by product). Yoga works for me. I was after strength, balance, flexibility and acceptance. Obvs. I am still working on that last one
Had my first proper appointment. She was surprised I did not want to discuss it first with him but accepted the position. There are three independent (but interconnected) aspects and filing is only the first aspect. He will rage (why didn't you discuss it, you are wasting money) but as long as I don't tie myself in knots defending and simply say "OK" and walk away, I should be OK. All he has to do is agree to the D (it is no fault and he has been gone a long time so I can't see any grounds for not agreeing). The other aspects, finance and childcare will be more difficult. This will actually require us to negotiate and defend our positions. It will be tough. I doubt all the yoga in the world will help me get through that without getting emotional.
He brought the girls around last night (as per his usual routine). I had some people round doing some work on the garden. I had mentioned it to him about two weeks ago and his at the time, his response was "As we're not selling the house I'm not paying", so figured, if he wasn't paying for it, then I didn't need to discuss it any further. He hid his surprise, but he was not in a good mood. I've also had people around to do other bits and pieces around the house (again, at my own cost). He has noticed but not said anything but think that the two men outside working 'in his' garden really set him into a foul mood. Add to that I was heading out for the evening when he arrived.
So, he uninvited me from our daughters birthday dinner ("I don't think it's appropriate that we do it together"). When I questioned him on why he said because I decided to buy her presents without consulting him first. I said "ok, well why don't we ask D13 what she would like" and asked her when she came into the room. D13 shrugged and said "I don't care" to which I replied, "well, it's up to daddy then.". Not much he could say to that so I am reinvited to her dinner.
He then told me
- He is getting 'his valuers' around to value the house (that he does not want to sell). My response "Ok - let me know when and Ill make sure I am home" and suggested he get 2 or 3 valuations and we can use an average. - We need to itemise (he said itenarary but meant itemised) everything in the house which is worth over a £100 for the mediation process. I said "I don't think that's necessary (it isn't) but if YOU want to list everything feel free to do so".
and then I gave the girls a hug, told them I loved them and to have a great night, turned around and said bye to my H and left.
Lesson for today. When they throw sh!t at you, breath, think of rainbows and unicorns, smile and then walk away calmly.
There is a marked difference in your tone FS, and it sounds really really good. You do sound calmer. I think having a direction has already made an impact. You know you're going to walk through some S*** but you are prepared in that you have acknowledged it will happen.
And you are right in everything you say - he has no arguments to make on the steps you've taken, he just won't like it. You know he won't like it. You know he will rage or become passive aggressive. But if you keep on your high road of being calm and factual I believe you'll get through this with minimal internal struggle on your end.
Pretend I am shipping you a cross stitch of some unicorns and rainbows you can hang :-D It's not my forte in stylings, but hey I'll do it for you
I'm impressed, FS. That's very assertive, calm and boundaried behaviour.
It is also KIND behaviour. Your H is going to have trouble with this. It's a human response to find this painful, and when humans are in pain they sometimes act badly. By not letting him act badly towards you, and giving him privacy and space to process his own emotions, you are putting air and breath into a hard situation that means he's not going to have the chance to behave in ways that he will regret. He can rant and rave to his friends or partner. It isn't your role. You are being KIND not to take that role as it will help both of you move on to, eventually, a more comfortable and cordial co-parenting arrangement.
Yail - I am not a rainbows and unicorns person either. It is a phrase our au pair (from years ago) used to describe how my H was behaving after BD and before MO. I asked her if he had been OK with her (as he was being a real d***k to me) and she replied, "Nope. He thinks I don't see the way he treats you and I don't know what's going on. It's all rainbows and unicorns as far as he's concerned".
I have just returned from D13's (now D14) birthday dinner. It was outdoors at one of those posh pub places. They came around beforehand to bring our dog back (D14 wanted her to be with her when she woke up this morning) and to open the presents I had bought her. The present opening was actually pleasant. I saw D14 smile as she was opening them and I even got the odd "thank you". We talked about the presents she got from her dad and D10 was even happy - she scored D14's old Apple watch and Polaroid camera. D14 was responsive if not totally engaged !!!. I know this doesn't sound like much, but I will take the odd smile and a polite "thank you" over ignoring or the shrugging of shoulders.
We could have gone to the pub together but as I do not like being in his car, I suggested they go ahead without me so that I could finish getting ready. I had just finished my working day and was still in yoga gear.
The meal itself was awkward free (our first together as a family in months and months and months). We managed conversation which wasn't simply logistics/admin which was nice. Small talk, nothing serious. There were a few moments when I thought he'd be triggered, like when he asked me if I would be around the two weeks he has the children in August (for their spanish trip which is now looking very unlikely) and I responded, I won't be around for all of it. Normally this would cause an annoyed look to cross over his face, a quick shutting down of conversation followed by some seemingly unrelated punitive behaviour on his part. But he said something like "Oh, do you need to go into the office" and I responded, "No, I've just made plans" and left it at that. At the end of the meal, he paid the bill, and added it to our "spending tracker" app - which is actually really good (it knows that our split is 50/50) so it tracks what each of us spends and then based on the pre-agreed split, records how much either I owe him (if he has spent more) or he owes me (if I have spent more).
So, overall a pleasant night. I even got a smile when I said, you go first, you don't want to be stuck behind me the entire way home (it would have been narrow roads and he likes to drive fast and I drive overly cautiously).
For Yail (and AS) ,,, I finally got that tattoo. Two small delicate lavender stems on my side in pale lavender and green. It is perfect (kick @rse and feminine at the same time). I wish I could share a picture.
I love it! I want to see it! I'm kinda debating on a second one - on my ribcage - and was thinking of a lavender wreath, so very similar in idea to yours. Oh I SO want to trade tat pics. Mine is fully healed and looks amazing. I feel so hot without pants on, all I want to do is strut around in my bathing suit this summer. Does yours show if you were to wear a two piece?
Yay yay yay! Love the tatted ladies and I'm so glad you shared. Let's get more.
Now you have to get fancy lingerie that shows it of *just right*. Is that a thing? Yes it is. Then strut around your house in it with wine when you have some private time.
Oh see now I'm hooked. It's nearly 11:30pm and I should be going to bed but all I can do is think about new floral tattoos. Gotta love that #lavandatattoo pride. Mine has it too - also papaveri and rose because I love my Italian names for flowers. Please share more about the ribcage experience because that's something I'm seriously considering. Remind me, do you have others? I know you've talked about it, but I couldn't recall. And I'm looking to compare it. If AS is here he can share too maybe?
Ribcage hurts. Apparently one of the most painful places as it is so near the bone. I was suppose to get two tattoos done but after the first one I chickened out and said I'd come back in a week for the other one.
I spoke to my MIL yesterday. It's been a long time and I wanted to tell her I had filed. I know the general advice here is not to talk to relatives but I wanted to give her a heads up. When H is served, he will rage and she, well apart from his GF, is the one he will rage at. She asked if I was telling her so that she could pass the info to H, and I told her no, I just want you to hear my side before he goes into one. I said there were no hard feelings, it is just time. I told her that I was sorry it had turned out this way, that the drifting apart with her and her family over the last two years was natural and that I understood that it was because they felt awkward around me. It was a good talk.
She did say that the GF is the same girl I ran into way back in Oct of 2018 on that fateful night out. She says they have been seeing each other all this time but she only found out about her shortly before I did. I am not sure how true this is. He was on dating sites in June of last year and he was seeing the teachers assistant around Nov 18 to Jan 19. So, my guess is they broke up soon after I ran into him and got back together late last year. I suspect he didn't mention this to his mum it has been going on for so long because she has always made a big point of not introducing the children to anyone "until we were serious about them". In any case, it doesn't make much odds. Irrespective, he has kept her hidden for a long time (either 2 years or 1 year) and she must be really into him if she was happy to take the scraps of time left free after his work and looking after his children.
I remember her a little. She looks a little me - a younger, plainer slightly chubby version of me. She was timid and not particularly memorable. The kind of girl you would walk past in a supermarket and not look twice at. Not because she's not attractive, just because she was "blah". I am not tooting my own horn, but I AM attractive. I stand out in a crowd. Perhaps he was looking for a version of me who was a little less like me ??? A poor mans replica.
Apparently my mental health isn't important enough for me to carve out the time, but maybe my vanity is