HI, Sitch still similar. Have been back at work for 2 weeks . Better than being in lockdown.Spent a couple af days away with a friend last week though have not mentioned anything about my sitch to all but 2 people and on here. Was'nt really that keen on coming back to house.
Found guantor form from estate agent by accident(Oh she is leaving) but not sure if it was here from before lock down . W has bought table cloth for a Table she has said she hated looking at (Oh she is staying)
She remains on friendly terms ,Singing around the house, making me tea , sharing funnies and news stories on facebook . it really does feel sometimes that she has forgot that she has essentially ended the marriage .v v v confusing .Keep having to bite my tongue about asking her what are her plans . Both friends that know of sitch have said I should get her to move out . MWD stop sign keeps flashing in my head.
I feel that I have passed thru 3 stages in the last 7 months
1. Nooooooooooooooooo! 2. Well if that's what you want , so be it . 3 You still here?
Though I found a phrase on here the other day "compassionate indifference ' this describes my current mindset best. IHS limbo is truly bonkers .
Our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up next week . What is DB protocol for such events ? I am presuming ignore.
Hi Folks , anyone got advice on how to Handle 10 Year wedding Anniversary. 7 months into IHS. Family members and friends have been making comments like "Oh coming up to ten years , you must have something special planned" I just smile and nod "yeah, yeah" and leave their company feeling very sad.
Anniversaries after BD can be tricky! If you celebrate the marriage or her as your partner, you're tone-deaf, like when you offered a date mid-January. If you ignore the anniversary entirely, you're a deadbeat.
The usual advice is "do nothing". But, she's there, treating you well, there's no OM, and this is a 10th.
I wouldn't try to win her over. I would seek to minimize damage. Can you give something small and thoughtful to celebrate your "years of friendship", without getting sappy or going overboard? E.g., no date, jewelry, chocolates, or red roses.. but maybe a photo album (light on romantic pics) or cooking her favorite restaurant meal for lunch (dinner screams "date!")?
Hi Cwarrior, thank you for reminding me about my failed date attempt. Had put that to the back of my mind ,did not go down as planned. She Db me again ,then we went to the cinema and watched David Copperfield (not a great movie regardless , for anyone that's interested)
.Yes she is treating me well though with the sword of damocles . Its weird because I hold no Ill will towards her. I am becoming a lot more detached as time goes on .
You are correct I should not to try win her over . As keeps getting mentioned round here she has sacked me as her husband so why should I keep ringing the office.
As I write this and reflect I believe any sort of gesture may be construed as manipulation.
I would do nothing for your anniversary. Mine came and went without a word or a gesture from me. There was no comment from her about how I dealt with it. It's just easier that way and I think that anything else would make you look weak. Of course, I am one of those LBS's who pushed his spouse out the door and into a faster D.
I always wondered how you got over IHS. Just found this on The Drh2001 WW dropped S-bomb part 2 thread.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Drh, I like your attitude, very well done with your current approach. I am assuming she is not in the MBR? If it continues to be too stressful, at some point you might want to discuss with her accelerating her plan to move out. I'd even entertain asking her to leave since she is openly in a PA. That will do two things.
1) It will show her that you are ready to move on 2) It will make her put up or shut up
Do not underestimate the power of #2. I know in my own sitch, calling my W's bluff really made her stop and consider what she was doing. And it caused her to question how committed she really was to her walkaway plan.
BUT, do not do #2 with the expectation that it will wake her up. You have to be 100%, or close to it, sure you are ready to move on.
Do you remember What you actually said and how you approached The subject?
I always wondered how you got over IHS. Just found this on The Drh2001 WW dropped S-bomb part 2 thread.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Drh, I like your attitude, very well done with your current approach. I am assuming she is not in the MBR? If it continues to be too stressful, at some point you might want to discuss with her accelerating her plan to move out. I'd even entertain asking her to leave since she is openly in a PA. That will do two things.
1) It will show her that you are ready to move on 2) It will make her put up or shut up
Do not underestimate the power of #2. I know in my own sitch, calling my W's bluff really made her stop and consider what she was doing. And it caused her to question how committed she really was to her walkaway plan.
BUT, do not do #2 with the expectation that it will wake her up. You have to be 100%, or close to it, sure you are ready to move on.
Do you remember What you actually said and how you approached The subject?
Hi Tusk. I need to qualify my advice here to Drh. Drh's situation was a lot different than mine. His W was in a PA, and was unabashed about it. My W was in an EA. His W's PA continued going on, my W's EA ended 2-3 weeks after BD.
Now, how your and my situations are similar. You have a W that has expressed a desire to leave, as mine did. Though yours left for a bit (mine never did), she is now back and IHS continues. I see she is sleeping a separate bedroom, so good job on not giving up the MBR. Mine talked about sleeping elsewhere, but I think she was afraid of my D's reaction to her making that move.
AS far as my post to Drh, related to #2, what I meant by that is I stopped resisting her. If you read my threads you will see that after a couple of days of begging, pleading, reasoning, and being down and sad, I remember DBing. My 2017 sitch was not our first. My W also had an EA in 2005. And I found MWD and DBing baack then. So after 2 days, I quit feeling sorry for myself, stopped trying to talk her out of what she was doing and started to embrace it.
- When we spoke I spoke from the viewpoint that her leaving was a forgone conclusion. - I contacted a D lawyer and had consultation. - I started discussing how and when we should tell our D. - I GAL like a madman. I stayed busy. I reconnected with old friends. I got reenergized about old hobbies. - I started working on myself. I was reading 3-4 books per month, combing online forums like these, I was watching youtube videos, listening to podcasts, consuming as much information about divorce, walk away spouses, and the processes involved as I could. - I worked hard on detachment. Being present, upbeat, pleased, fulfilled around her. I stopped reacting emotionally (this was not perfect especially early on) to what she said and did. - I started taking a stand for what I needed. I worked on my NGS (I had a mild case but a case none the less). I started to behave in ways that commanded respect, instead of verbally demanding it.
Tusk, here is the thing. It isn't what you say. It is what you DO! That is why GAL, 180s and detachment are so important. Because these are actions, not words.
As far as IHS, while it is not fun, you know better than me about how it compares to the WAW being gone. You said she was gone for a month then came back. Was that month any easier? Or did you still have to deal with a lot of the same things you did before? So many LBSs think that are in IHS think physical separation would be easier. And so many that are physically separated pine for having their WAS at home. It really is a "grass is always greener" proposition.
And also remember, that it is her home to. More than likely she has a legal right to be there just like you do. So while you may want to end IHS, you may not be able to short of lawyering up and getting the D process started. Even then, she wont' have to leave legaly until everything is final.
Not sure any of this helped. The TLDR version is this: you can't say anything or approach it in anyway. You are better off being patient and letting the process play itself out.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve for getting back to me , much appreciated. I have been letting my emotions get the better of me over the last days. A mixture of fear of starting again and fear of this lasting indefinitely tossed around with the urge to let her know that I want to get on with my life with or without her. Creating a giant anxiety Salad. Your post has given me back perspective .
I have been Dbing solid now for three months and have totally not resisted or pressured.I have 180ed, GALed ,read , validated, listened ,watched and remained upbeat, Proto Dbing before that. Our interactions have been 99.9 percent positive .I do like having her around and yes the month she was away was not easy .Though Sometimes frustrared at lack of movement coupled with detachment ,I slip into "F#c# this mode " and think "I should just pull the pin and recover." I did once get photos together for OLD profile . I have not set any up though. On writing this I have no idea how practically this would work. I know it is not reccomended to date while seperated.
Well our 10th wedding anniversary passed without either of us acknowledging it . Although that morning I believe my w had tears in her eyes for a second. Due to the repressive nature of her upbringing and the complete distane her mother has for any emotional expression my w is good at hiding her feelings.
Interactions continue to be completely friendly most conversations iniated by w. 100% of texts and mobile calls initiated by w. I keep thinking if anyone was to observe our interactions at I was to tell them we are supposed to be getting divorced they wouldn't believe me . It also crosses my mind if this is what my w regards as a marriage that is broken down beyond repair I cannot wait to see the ecstasy filled relationship that my w thinks is out there.
I Am starting to believe that my w thinks that it is going to be ok for us to live as roommates and that I wont rock the boat. She told me back in March that she had looked at a couple of places but did not like them and appears to have not made any attempts since .She now orders a shopping delivery every week , Something she has never ever done before . As well as cook .
I have explained my sitch to a ex girlfriend of mine from years ago (Happily married) and she is pretty convinced that my w is trying to keep me sweet because of the nice house we live in .
I may have let myself fall into the friendzone a bit but I dont care , the longer this is going on the more detached I am becoming . I have absolutely no intention of being in a affectionless sexlexless marriage for the rest of my life, like her parents and am verging towards broaching the subject of how do we move this to the next level of actually finishing this . remember folks I live in UK and that requires physical seperation for 2 years . Thoughts?
