(((PLC))) I know this is hard. It’s not what you want and not what you were hoping for. From what I’ve learned here, the best way to fight against divorce is to not fight against it. D or not, you can decide to stand for your marriage. That is your decision, and D doesn’t have to change that. If your H has made up his mind, especially if he’s lost in MLC, he won’t be able to see clearly anything outside of his own head. He will resist any form of reasoning and he is not in a logical place right now. Read the end of my last thread—I very much regret trying to talk to my H as if he was a rational person, and I wasn’t trying to sway him from D, just have some closure on our M. I do believe everyone here is right: attempts like this are pointless, because these spouses can’t see clearly, and they can’t see you right now. To them, you are a reflection of their internal pain, and what they think they need to do is run from the pain.
You fight by accepting that H will make his own decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. How many times have I read, if you love your S, let them go? It was easy to understand this intellectually and so hard to feel this fully! You want them to be in an R with you because they choose it, not because they feel compelled to. You deserve a partner who will be there in good times and bad, just like the vows say! You deserve respect and love, and this H right now is unable to be that person. That doesn’t mean he can’t go on his journey and grow and be that person, but for now, you have to let him find his own way. By focusing on yourself and your happiness, which is the most important thing right now. By focusing on your children.
I needed to hear this again and again: letting him go and accepting that might mean D for now does not mean you have to give up hope for future R. It doesn’t mean your future has been written. But I think the more you can give up expectations that you can do anything to turn this around in the short term, the less you will hurt. It’s not on you to fix him, because you didn’t break him.
One moment at a time. Love yourself. Have compassion for how you are feeling. It is so hard. Maybe you can’t remodel the bathroom right now, but you can still dream about what you’d like to do in the future, H or no. What else could you do today or this week for yourself?
I have merged your two threads that appear on the MLC Forum. Your original thread had not reached the limit of 100 postings/replies. I do want to point out that you can change your subject line at any time within a thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you JOB, I did not realize that the second threads needed to be 100 as well.
Thank you Cardinal, I did not sleep well last night. I tossed and turned replaying the conversation over and over. This morning is a new day. I need to take care of me. I called and met with a DB coach, I called and scheduled a consult with an attorney.
I need to see where I stand. I need to know what I could have and not have monetarily if a D happens.
Encouraged by the fact that the DB coach asked where he was going to go and I told her that he wasnt leaving anytime soon, he just "wants me to know". I am not going to assume that this is the end, nor am I going to assume it isn't. But I need to protect me.
Our child is 25, so there is some different things there as she is not a minor. it makes it a little different. I am really hurt that he chose to tell her before me. Like he needed to tell her so he would not fail to tell me.
Anyway, DB coach recommended if I am choosing to not share this information with any friends or family I need to be more active here so I have some positivity. So get ready.
I spoke with an attorney and have given a sketch of our finances and situation to see where I could stand in the event of a D. I am not filing, but I am the type of person who needs to have something to hold on to.
As I mentioned, I met and had a session with a DB coach. I only can afford three sessions, but I did get some good advice. I will speak with her in a couple of weeks, since he is going to go out of town this weekend (I’m sure to go to whoever he is with now) and when he returns, he is taking his vacation with his dad and uncle,
I also spoke to my counselor and I told her I was disappointed in our session. She really is wanting me to prepare that now since he has said it twice he means it. I know he believes that is true. I think that he has OW somewhere and this is a new relationship and he is “in love” . I realize all I can do is protect myself and GAL. I just want him in my life as my partner. I understand that we have to go through this to get to the other side (whatever that will be).
Does anyone have any help to get through the crippling fear? I am just a tidal wave of emotions, realizing that he believes being out of our marriage will make him happy. Like he will eventually leave and never return. He won’t have a key. He won’t wonder about me. I will be in the rear view mirror as he drives off to his happiness. If our daughter gets married I would possibly see him with someone else who he is happy with.
I am so sad. I can’t stop crying. I hate this feeling.
I spoke with an attorney and have given a sketch of our finances and situation to see where I could stand in the event of a D. I am not filing, but I am the type of person who needs to have something to hold on to.
You are wise to find out this info now.
Originally Posted by PLC
I just want him in my life as my partner.
I understand. We can want something desperately and still not get it. To that end, yes, we have to focus on GAL.
Originally Posted by PLC
Does anyone have any help to get through the crippling fear? I am just a tidal wave of emotions, realizing that he believes being out of our marriage will make him happy. Like he will eventually leave and never return. He won’t have a key. He won’t wonder about me. I will be in the rear view mirror as he drives off to his happiness. If our daughter gets married I would possibly see him with someone else who he is happy with.
I am so sad. I can’t stop crying. I hate this feeling.
I can tell you what I did. It didn't stop the fear, but I somehow got through it.
1. I had to force myself to keep it in the day, sometimes the hour, sometimes the moment. That was the most helpful practice. Look at your feet. Where are you? Look around the room. Is he there? Then focus only on what is there. This takes a lot of practice but it's worthwhile.
2. The LBS is on their own journey. Think about what YOU want. Yes, I know you want him as your partner. Think more specifically - what type of life do you want to live? What are your core values? How do you want to be treated in a relationship. What is important to you?
3. what physical activity can you do to get the stress out of your body? Swimming, yoga, walking, something else?
4. Do not plan more than a week out.
5. Give yourself permission to freak out for a certain amount of time each day. Stick to that. Maybe an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening.
6. Focus on breathing.
7. meditate
8. pray
That worked for me. Hope it helps I'm sorry you're here and in this situation. It's dreadful.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
1) Get yourself something to focus on besides the marriage. When my ex first cheated and I was DBing him, I started training to climb Mt Whitney. Years later, when he left (after initially reconciling and having several good years) I bought a drumkit and learned to play the drums at 52. Shifting the focus away from what's going on for a while is very healing.
2) Realize you cannot control his actions. All you have power over is yourself. You do not have the power to save him from making bad decisions for himself. But I can guarantee you one thing - he is MUCH more likely to come back to you if you are living an interesting, exciting life than if you are balled up in a corner crying.
3) Protect yourself financially. A lawyer can give you good advice on what you can expect and how to make sure you are financially protected. Don't confuse the business part with the emotional part. Even if you divorce him to protect yourself financially, it's always possible to get remarried if he comes to his senses.
4) This is a unique opportunity to spread your wings. What have you always wanted to do that you haven't pursued, because he might have thought it trivial, or crazy, or he took up too much of your time to pursue it? If you were writing a book about a plucky heroine reinventing herself and finding happiness after a divorce, what would she be doing? Do that! Do you want a new haircut or color? Do it! Change your wardrobe. Pursue your bliss.
Believe me, there is life after a divorce even from a long term marriage.
Thank you. One thing, he will not see or hear me cry.
I am going to take what both of you offered and go with it. Today, right now, I am home on lunch. I look around and I see our dogs, the tv (on home improvements) and my backyard. I am here in this moment. It is like every other day. He is not usually home at lunch. This is my time.
I really need to think about what I want to do. One thing, our gyms are closed here so I ordered a peloton. It will be something I own and I won’t need to pay for a gym once we are able to return. I am very excited about that. Another thing, I really want to paint our (now mine) bedroom. I need to start making a list of things I would like to do around here, even if they are super out of price, just to plan it as a dream. As for other hobbies, I am such a homebody and this Covid has not helped. I normally like to go to baseball games with friends, concerts movies, etc. being in So Cal there is so much to do, and we can’t. I have been ready doing puzzles and catching up onntv shows on the weekends.
I really believe that this new action from him is fueled by a new OW. But it doesn’t matter, because when it fizzles out, I need to be in the throws of a huge GAL. Being my best self.
I feel better ever typing this.
I am still sad, but now is not going to be my designated sad time.
PLC, you’re doing great! I think painting your bedroom is a wonderful idea. It will give you a change of scenery and can really help shift your mood. Can you go get some paint swatches and put them up on your wall? There are also some helpful guided meditations at the UC San Diego Center for Mindfulness if you want to practice being in the present moment—you can google it.
I will look up the meditations. As for the paint swatches, I will get some color samples. I also can finally get a padded headboard. When we changed from a queen to a king, we lost our bed and never got a headboard because he doesn’t like the padded ones.
I just saw an ad today for Benjamin Moore paint having self stick paint samples - like a foot square peel and stick sample to put on the wall - so much easier than painting different samples on a wall!
Yes, get your padded headboard. Make the room your sanctuary. Paint it a color you love. Play music you love. Organize the closets your way. Put his things in the guest bedroom closet. Or the front hall closet. Burn some sage!
Since the pandemic is limiting your social options, start a regular Zoom cocktail party with some girlfriends, or coffee klatch. If you don't have enough girlfriends, start one on Meetup and make some new friends! Join in from your new sanctuary bedroom with the door closed so he can wonder who you are laughing with in your bedroom!
Buy some sexy lingerie and leave it drying in the bathroom or somewhere where he will see it.
Make a vision board - a poster board with pictures of things you want in your future life. Put it somewhere in your room where you will see it every day.
Are you employed? If not, do you need to brush up your skills to get a good job? Now's the time to tackle that, even if people aren't hiring. If you are employed but make a lot less than your H, start thinking about what it would take to enhance your income after a divorce.
