Darling Cardi, I am so sorry for what you have been through today. My heart aches for you.
However, you have now been firmly thrust into a business transaction, one that you didn't want, but right now you need to keep your head on and use your smart woman skills. Can I help you translate some of the things that have happened? Take it or leave my translations, of course.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I’m thinking about how the papers weren’t even in an envelope, just crumpled from his (girl) friend carrying them around for who knows how long.
Very low. And also very disorganized and unprofessional. This should give you an indication into the type of L he has retained.
Originally Posted by cardinal
Of course all his friends know how I’ve tortured him and never loved him and why I deserve nothing—he’s got that story down.
This will not matter to you in two years' time. This is not part of the business transaction. Let this one go. If they don't recognize your side, they are not worthy of your time. (And a 2x4: you don't actually know this to be true, you are projecting it. Let others' opinions go right now so you can save your strength for you.)
Originally Posted by cardinal
I was fine with no courtesy heads up. I was fine with being served at work unnecessarily.
Because you are strong. And you know it.
Originally Posted by cardinal
But now that he thinks he can magically erase our M with an annulment the way he has erased and rewritten it in his memory, I’m not fine.
What if there was another truth here in place of the one you suggest above? What if H is simply a selfish, lying sonofagun who doesn't want to pay you what you deserve and doesn't want to acknowledge that he has spent all that savings in the account he won't show you? What if this is simply a business transaction for H, a shady one for sure, but isn't about erasing your M, but more about not wanting to give you what you deserve post-M?
He is entitled and thinking only of himself.
Please allow this fact to give yourself permission to also only think of yourself. Because no one but you (and us!) are going to look out for you right now.
Originally Posted by cardinal
He’s living in such a fantasy. My therapist laughed and said if this was the case, people would get annulments all the time—after affairs, after waking up one day after 20 years of M and not loving their partner anymore, etc. she couldn’t believe a L had signed off on it.
Your therapist is totally spot on here. It took my very Catholic aunt YEARS to get a legal annulment for her M, and both parties were cooperative and desiring an annulment for religious reasons, therefore working together tirelessly to get the state to agree. And she lived in a conservative state. I believe you live in a liberal one where there is a lot of money and high-stakes divorces. This is a very, very, very hard path to take and another indication of what kind of L your H has retained.
Of course, don't point this fact out to him, it will be beneficial to you if he continues to work with such sloppy representation.
Originally Posted by cardinal
The worst part is I have needed all of these people to tell me today that he is crazy and that, yes, our M happened and he was a co-creator of it; they saw how he loved me—I didn’t force him to stay in a M and “suffer.” I’ve needed people to tell me that I don’t deserve this. His narrative still has a little power over me, and I don’t like it.
Oh, Cardinal. So much empathy to you on this one. H has done such a number on your self-confidence, intuition and memories that you no longer feel capable of believing what you know within yourself to be true. You have been gaslit for so long that you don't even trust yourself to believe the truth.
A long-term goal is to trust yourself, your memories and know in your beliefs. If, in the short term, you have to ask others for validation, that's OK. You are reclaiming your sanity and sometimes we just need lighthouses to help guide us into the harbor.
You will get there on this one.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I want to call his mom and say WTF is your son doing? I want to throw his stuff out. Change the locks. All things I won’t do. And I really want to scream something at him to make him see how unnecessarily cruel he’s being.
Write the MIL and never send the email. Put a little voodoo hex on his stuff. Change the locks to your heart, not the house. Feel everything, then let it go.
I know it feels cruel to you, but to him it's just a business transaction, so is it really cruel? Or just shady and morally wrong and indicative of a corrupt human unworthy of even your vitriol? Can you change the channel on this line of thinking and find some internal language that turns you from a victim into the empowered queen that you are?
Originally Posted by cardinal
The worst part is that he doesn’t see it and can’t.
And may never. Use this as fuel to boost you into 'business transaction' mode.
