Tell the cicadas to shut up

[kml]

Phew!

[AndrewP]

Winding down the week. Some rail cars that I've been stressing about have been located and 2 of them placed on our siding.

I spent yesterday on site. I was the only person who was wearing a mask which was a bit disappointing. It is a pretty isolated place with not many people on it and the stationary engineers who keep the plant running are set up to sit fairly far apart. We had to do an inventory count yesterday which went through rather well. The guy who did the actual work while I followed around with the clipboard has been there for about 40 years ago and knew what he was doing so I ignored the official forms and had him do things his way. I need to do the transcribing this morning.

I had interesting talks with a few of the people there. I think I'm about the 3rd or 4th person being tried out in the role I have over the past 10 years or so. None of them lasted all that long, mostly because the guy who runs the place is a micro-manager who can't let go of the details or process. For me, I respect his knowledge and usually his input. The number of times that he's changed what I've planned continues to go down over the couple of months I've been doing this. Even though this isn't at all where my career was previously headed it seems to be a good choice. I'm learning a lot and am working with some great people. I'm finding over time too that I'm getting more and more cooperation from various partners both inside and outside the company, probably more than we had before when the micro-manager was doing it all. It's helped. There's been more than once I've needed a customer or supplier to figuratively pull a rabbit out of a hat and they've stepped up and I've tried to do the same for them.

When I've had trouble, I'm finding that the micro-manager (who is also the company president) has no issues with putting his name on something to push it through. It's nice to know that he's got my back which really given my work history over my own almost 40 years working, is probably the one thing that really matters.

The chemical industry is a small small world that is run by personal relationships and reputation and I've really enjoyed my 17 years in it.

----

I had dinner with my best friend last night out on a patio. A few beer, big mound of wings, a server wearing a mask and following appropriate safety protocols. He's doing fairly well. His daughter has been dropping off both of his grand-kids with him more and more taking advantage of his good nature but I think he is pretty happy to have that time with them.

I've know this friend for about 25 years and we've worked together off and on. For years we would make a point of getting together at least once a month for dinner. I've not seen him since I think February. He and his wife have been careful and limiting their social circle. He's in decent health for a guy our age but his wife has a fair number of issues that have been getting worse in recent years.

It was good to see him. He reinforced the whole "be careful about what S is legally entitled to" and "get a pre-nup" message.

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S18 wanted to get a haircut and I was surprised when he agreed to try my barber. He has anxiety issues but my barber is by appointment only and has limited waiting space. He seemed pleased with the results when I got home. No smooches from S "of course" because I'd had 3 pints of beer. S18 had also invited a couple of friends over so the living room was taken over, S was a bit stressed by the crowd and activity and everyone was up very very late. The friends needed to be driven back home and S and S18 stayed up. S18 actually was still up when I got up at 6:00 to start my day.

This morning a quick vacuum was necessary to tidy up some moderate spillage in the living room - I think a good time was had by all. The kitchen was also a mess which wasn't a surprise either. I'll perhaps direct S18 to do some of the tidy up there when he's done work this afternoon.

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The cat situation is I think slowly resolving itself. I believe "the girls" are currently urinating here and there in the early mornings when they are being pestered by the new (neutered) male cat. It's probably an anger thing. There were actual fisticuffs the other night and when I broke it up, I got two large scratches on my legs that I didn't notice for a while. Much blood as it turned out. I think it's probably another 2 or 3 weeks before all that settles down. The grumpiest cat Liz actually made nice with the dog this morning but perhaps didn't want to interrupt the fact that they were both being vigorously petted at the time.

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I think S13 is off to his Dad's for a few days today. There's a fish and chip shop next to his Dad's apartment that offers a gluten free batter that we may pop in to.

Still no word from S25 - I'll pick up a birthday card and mail it off with both S and I signing it. I'm hoping for a quiet weekend of puttering. I'm not so worried now about S25. Personally I suspect that he's keeping his distance from the chaos and perhaps not just yet wanting to see how his former home has changed. At this point I'm not planning on a birthday celebration for him. His mother's never hosted one for him so perhaps this is a chance for her to step up. I'll of course never know.

Nice to be boring here.

[bttrfly]

I admitted I was both harsh and blunt and I apologized for it. I stand by what I said because I genuinely care about Andrew and want him to have his best life. I know Andrew is a smart man and he loves S. I am pulling for them, as I said in my post. I said what I said because I do think that Andrew posts things here as a sounding board and to get feedback, even if it is harsh or something he doesn’t necessarily agree with. Again, because he is a smart guy, he can discern what feedback works for him and what is “rubbish”. Most of us here don’t know each other in real life so the majority of our comments are made to and about people we don’t know. We get only a small piece of insight into the situation here because we’re getting one side’s version. I still love you, Andrew, and want you to be happy. If S makes you happy, yay! I, again, apologize for the harshness of my comments.

Big girl hug ((Dawn)). You are exactly right - I do post here as a sounding board. There are so many kind people here who have my best interests at heart that it's a valuable thing. And yes - sometimes the smack-downs do sting - they are supposed to. I used to joke that raising kids is like raising horses. First you've got to get their attention.

No need to apologize for being a true friend Dawn.

Wow. Everybody’s pretty harsh about someone they’ve never met.

Andrew isn’t stupid, of course he’s getting something out of this relationship. And it’s pretty clear he enjoys the animals and enjoys being a manly figure to the boys.

I agree that a chore chart takes 30 minutes tops. S may be resisting because she’s never done things that way, of because she fears the boys will resent it. Or she may simply be so badly ADD that this keeps falling off her radar. But I’ll repeat what I said a few days ago, it needs to get done soon, because the longer the boys live there without the chores the harder it will be to implement. Why not sit down with S tomorrow (or S and the boys) and work out the chores. In fact, right now is a good time when you’ve just put together that trampoline for the boys.

As for the sleep hours - larks and night owls are biologically determined, but efforts can be made to shift them a little. And I’d suggest starting a few weeks before school begins. Melatonin and sunlight exposure upon waking can help reset the jet lag. Proper treatment of ADD can also help.

My friend who is a night owl let’s her teenage son sleep in until noon in the summers too. It’s easy for those who are early risers to be judge but one is not inherently better than the other. But I would have a chat with S about how best to ensure you both get time together.

The harshness and judgement can indeed get a bit much. I think my biggest problem is that I do tend to hear more problems than solutions. I really appreciate your viewpoint.

Melatonin is indeed one of the bottles on the counter and it does get used by S13 and S. S will also take a puff or two of THC to help relax her back pain. Perhaps once every few weeks.

The "family meeting" was had on Saturday afternoon and the chore chart takes effect today. One of the goals is that everyone has to be awake by 10:00 and out of bed by 10:30. S13 is an over-achiever and was up at 6:15 today. The boys take the chore chart seriously. Some of the things that I would do alone are now split. The three "men" will each take charge of a section of the lawn. I'll do the front, S18 the back and S13 the flat section off to the side (he's pretty short to safely operate the mower on a hill). The boys have never cut grass before. Sweeping, vacuuming, scrubbing the bathrooms has all be divided up. Kitchen duties, sweeping etc are all laid out. S18 is planning on upping his game on a number of fronts, working with his therapist to try to get some structure in his life.

We're really on just week 2 1/2 of all being under the same roof so getting the structure of a chore chart and those expectations going now is a fairly reasonable timing in my mind.

S and I had another argument yesterday - I think mostly due to heat and stress. She had wanted me to re-arrange all the furniture in one of the rooms so that "she could see how it looked". I pushed back that I didn't really want to do that multiple times and got push back in return. It escalated and the funny moment was when I told her that I didn't appreciate being called a jerk which she denied and then realized that that word had indeed come out of her mouth a few seconds before. I think that the core issue is S's expectation that everything will be dropped to do whatever has crossed her mind at that moment - part of how her brain works. Meanwhile, I had my entire day planned out with a number of projects half done and couldn't really stop to move heavy furniture only to possibly have to move it back again - something I probably shouldn't be doing a lot of anyway. I think she's still rather grumpy at me.

Believe it or not I was thinking of your sitch this last week. I first thought that if I ever want to move someone in, come back and read this first.

thank you Don, for the first really deep laughter I've had in many days.

Don - one of the things that's been mentioned on these boards a number of times is that people often disappear after their divorce and rarely talk about new relationships. One of the reasons for this I think is because of the expectation of negative feedback that they're "not doing it right".

It's been argued that I probably shouldn't be posting about my new relationships or my post-divorce life - but this is the "surviving" forum and that's what I'm doing. Working on thriving.

If this story - which is one of few - scare people off from starting a new relationship, that is in my mind a good thing. It's not easy - especially when there's lots of baggage involved which is inevitable in a post-divorce world.

Your sitch doesn't scare me off Andrew because I'll be perfectly honest, I wouldn't have allowed a relationship to develop to the point you are at with S. There are way too many deal breakers in your sitch for me. This is not the kind of thing I am personally looking for in my mid 50s from a partner - lots of kids, lots of stuff, lots of pets, lots of what sounds to me like utter chaos - my definition, not yours or anyone else's. I say this with full belief that my next relationship would most likely be something that's not for you either. That's the way life is - what's good for one person is certainly not good for all people.

That said, I have a very quirky sense of humor and Don's post tickled that.

[kml]

Re: moving furniture. I highly recommend getting these sliders that you put under the feet of sofas and other heavy furniture. Makes it really easy to slide them around to different spots. And please enlist some help, don’t be doing all that yourself.

Also - re: S: it’s a crazy busy time, are you setting aside some time for just the two of you? And recognize that she might try to preemptively push you away, as she probably has a pretty big fear of this relationship failing given her past history. Try a little tenderness.

[AndrewP]

Try a little tenderness.

She may be weary

There are some furniture movers under S13's bed (S's old one) that she wants pulled out to use.

I think that one big challenge - and it's just the way that her brain works - is that when she wants to do something, she wants to do it "now" and doesn't consider that others may have other plans or be busy with something else. I'm like that sometimes but usually I have everything more or less planned out. My new job is also training me to be more flexible. My boss just let me know that I had scheduled 2 trailers for the same loading spot on Tuesday morning - something I need to fix. And that of course cascades through to other deliveries yadda yadda yadda.

I had Tiger Tail ice cream for probably the first time yesterday. Tasty but not really my thing. I told S that a friend of mine keeps going on about it so I had to try it (waves to kml). I cut out of work early and we took S13 to his Dad's place yesterday. It's located right next to a really good fish and chip shop that I had checked and they do a gluten free batter which S pronounced delicious. We ate inside for the first time - lots of distance between customers, staff wearing masks.

S I think was a bit surprised that I suggested dinner out and we had a good time. She got her self "fancied up" and I felt bad about being just in t-shirt and shorts but it was fine. Went for a walk after dinner, had the aforementioned ice cream, walked along the boardwalk. It was good.

S has a lot going on right now. Her D19 has broken up with her long-term boyfriend that she was living with. They were camping out with S's STBX and it's just weird and I don't try to understand. Anyhoo - he never paid rent and I certainly didn't like him and non of the others in S's family liked him although they accepted him. He's a sort of person that I think of as a "taker". He was working part time at a coffee shop, lost that due to Covid and then never bothered looking for anything else. Personaly I'm glad that they've split and nobody is surprised. When S18 heard, his reaction was "finally". So - she'll be needing some additional emotional and practical support. Ice cream has been offered. And she'll need to borrow a car from time to time.

Her D25 has secured an apartment about an hour away from here. So that might take some pressure off of her wanting to be here "every" Sunday. We could go there for example. I'm sure she still doesn't "get it" that a random comment that I made about wanting to feed more people when I made a large meal for Easter doesn't translate into an invitation every week. I think that the core challenge - and S doesn't understand my point of view either - is that she's not part of "My" family and I'm not part of her's. We're grown people who happen to have a family member in common. Although I still have mental work to do to think of S as "family". She's very much a "take charge" (which I like) and "take over" gal (which I don't).

Well - hoping for a fairly quiet weekend. Heading off for the groceries shortly.

I just got off the phone with a very nice older lady who happened to be a Jehovah's witness who called in to check to see how we were doing. She was very happy to hear that we are doing well and staying safe and shared with me this lovely verse.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

I was very appreciative and thanked her quite sincerely for taking the time to call. She agreed with my comment that sometimes just letting go of anxiety was useful. I know that many don't have time for them but I do know that part of their faith is to proselytize and they generally are quite nice about it and seem to truly care about others. It was a nice thing to happen to me today - and at the start of my day too. The rest should be pretty good as well. I think I made this lady's day better too by being truly happy to hear from her.

[kml]

I imagine you’d have to be a big licorice fan like me to dig that ice cream.

That’s great that D19 and boyfriend broke up (let’s hope it sticks!). Does that mean though that you’ll be taking her in too? Or will she continue living with mom’s ex?

Gluten free fish and chips - yum. I had some in Portland. But I miss the malt vinegar, that’s the best part, but a no- no because it’s made from barley. It’s good that you got out, I’m sure SHE appreciated it, you guys going out.

Sigh - it’s so hard living with someone when you’re a fully formed adult who has been living on your own for a while, and both have baggage. I like doing things a certain way and so does CMM.

[Dawn70]

I have made no secret that I can be a bit of a control freak in life and I’m very scheduled and routine. It’s just how I roll. So, I actually get S’ thing about when she wants to do something, she wants it NOW without regard to other’s plans or schedules. I’ve really had to learn to temper that in relationships and learn the other person’s ways then tailor mine to theirs. It is a lot of work but worth the compromise. Sparky is extremely fly by the seat of his pants. I have learned that if I want/need his help with something, I mention it ahead of time, if it is something that has an actual timeline. If not, I just ask and then say something along the lines “any time today would be fine” so he knows I want it today but specific time is not a factor. It works really well for us and we seem to communicate well about it. The thing is, like kml said, y’all are adults who have your own ways of doing things and you just have to figure out how to compromise to suit both of your needs the best. This is why relationships are such hard work.

I wondered the same thing kml did....will you be adding d19 to your household?

[AndrewP]

Thanks kml and Dawn. No - D19 will be staying put for now but her horizons have now suddenly opened up.

Her staying with her former step-dad was originally supposed to be just her and her dog. BF would come for a visit. Then stay over. Then never left. Although I have no way of knowing I am quite sure that he was never invited in by step-dad nor actually asked. It was just une fait acompli.

He's the sort of person I think of as a "barnacle". Clings on to a likely host. Does the minimal amount to stay there but focuses on their own interests. I'm sensitive to this both because I am a likely host and have been warned so much about people taking advantage of me that it's made me excessively paranoid and also because I encountered one many years ago. A friend of S25 did this to him / us a number of years ago. Pleaded problems at home, moved in here and then showed no urge to leave. I think I've talked about him before. Years later he took advantage of 20S kindness as a live-in boyfriend for a couple of years, gave her an STD and cheated on her. One similar characteristic that I found between the two boys is a "coldness" that they seem to have towards the rest of the world. Like there's nothing on the other side of those eyes if you're not a host.

D19 was a great host. Hard working (reluctantly), ambitious, very very pretty, vulnerable, controllable. We all expect him to circle around and try again. Hopefully D19 is strong enough to resist. She's talked this through and planned this split out for quite a while so I hope so. She will need some practical (rides and such - BF had the car), and emotional support to find her own path. I personally believe that being out from BF's shadow that she will flower once she finds her boots.

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S and I had a good conversation yesterday about chores and who does what. She'd been reluctant to help out with certain things, especially my Saturday morning list because I seemed very attached to them. I told her that the only thing I'm really attached to is buying my roses myself. That I would be very happy if we could figure out how to do groceries together. That day, she asked if I minded her hanging out my laundry, if I was OK with pancakes for dinner (out of a box but had fresh berries), and washed the dishes (I dried later). She hung out my laundry differently than I did and in some ways did a much better job. I made sure to tell her that.

The boys have done pretty good on the chore chart. It's a structure they are familiar with that works for them. It's certainly going to need some tweaking though. The house is still in chaos and don't ask about the condition of the teenager's rooms. But every day there is incremental progress and some days there are significant improvements in the de-cluttering and unpacking.

I feel confident that we will end up on a good path here. There's lots of issues, not the least that both the boys (and S) have some issues that have them struggle with some day to day things that we'll always have.

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There's been a bit of talk here lately about ex-partners and how it can affect us when they re-partner. I think for those of us where that happened a while ago that the shock has worn off. In my own case, there was some relief when it was more or less public on why my ex had left.

I think what in some ways what it comes down to is that like many of them, we expect them as well to be "where we left them". My ex lives on a very busy street that I drive down (and have driven down) several times a week. I will often look to see if she or OM's vehicles are there. There's a bit of a feeling of comfort as odd as that may sound to know where she is and roughly what she's doing and that it's no threat to me. Maybe that's what it is. Not controlling, but threat avoidance?

Ah well - enough philosophy for now. Tea is almost done. I need to update my budget and then get the grass cut before it rains. S said she's going to cook up a steak - maybe on the BBQ if the weather permits and mashed potatoes. A nice quiet supper for three (probably).

[AndrewP]

Crazy morning at work. Just when you think you've got it all sorted out, reality happens.

One load that I brought people in early for to unload was late. The load I shifted the other one for was early. So 2 drivers sitting in the yard drinking coffee. It was a difficult choice to figure out which company to annoy by making them wait. So very tough to manage from my desk in my little village when it would be so much easier to just walk out to the yard and get yelled at.

So much stress with this role. It's fun, challenging and I'm learning a lot. It's also quite a lot more dynamic than you might imagine. I'm finding it overlapping into personal life though where some days it seems that I'm trying to schedule family and errands in the same way I do the plant. I've yet to ask the boys if they have the right paperwork before they go outside though Does anyone know what the WHMIS instructions are for a nerf gun?

I have found that a good dose of humility and acknowledging to people that I am new to this goes a long way. I'm very fortunate in my co-workers and business partners.

I do think that I'm doing reasonably well as the guy I report to keeps dumping things on me to analyze, follow up on, and just take care of. Things that he would normally be doing himself. He does second-guess me a lot and is right more than enough times that I don't have a real issue with it other than the fact that it's distracting and changing plans that are set in place isn't always easy. Or advisable or even possible.

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S and D19 are off to the city for a photo shoot. Normally her boyfriend would drive and help her navigate around but today it's a mom/daughter thing. Her dog is hanging out here for the day.

It turns out that there is some friction with her step-dad where he yelled at her about the dog - which from what I gather is both unusual and not. He has a history of grumbling and complaining but is usually passive agressive instead of having an outburst. I have no expectation that she'll have to move out any time soon and from what I gather this is the normal state of living there. Outbursts are rare and there is always an undercurrent of noisy grumbling and complaining. One of the reasons that S left.

D19 is going to crash here again tonight and she and her Mom are going to another city for a medical appointment for D19's flare-up in gluten sensitivity.

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As time goes on, I learn more about S's past and attitudes and undoubtedly she about mine. The whole "family vs guest" thing continues to play out. My attitude is that when her kids that don't live here come by they're guests. They get fed, entertained. S and her kids look at this as "family home" - where when they come by they get fed and entertained. Crossing that line for me to think of her kids as family is a step that I'm still not able to take. I would presume that they think of me as another add-on to their family unit. Not fully in the club but there as part of the whole picture. The physical location of home has been so fluid that they just adapt.

I was more comfortable with the concept that B and I had. There was my family, her family and "us". Like a Venn diagram if you will. With S and her crew it's more like a pot of gumbo with things floating around. I've never had a true gumbo but expect that depending on the cook that it can be quite delicious.

S18 here has some behavioral issues with have some sort of three letter acronym. Essentially, if he's off his meds, he will become hyperactive and act out quite a lot. A lot of the time it involves him telling his mother that she's dumb, no good and other forms of verbal abuse. Something that once he starts that he can't let go of or stop. There is a minor component of physical as well where he will poke at her with toy light-sabers, shoot off nerf guns in her vicinity etc repetitively as well. Now that he's got a back yard he will often go out there to release tension. I also installed a chin-up bar in a doorway that helps with his mania for doing gymnastics.

Over-all, he's a good kid. And he doesn't like it when he gets this way which is one of the reasons he is seeing a therapist (funding about to run out - S is intending on working something out with his Dad). S has some long-suffering patience and deals out appropriate punishments which S18 accepts. He lost all screens the other night because he wouldn't stop ragging at her. He handed them over without complaint or comment.

I have looked up the meds that the kids are on - they seem very well informed about why they are taking them - not sharing here though as they involve some rather serious chemistry that I would rather the search engines not pick up on.

A lot of what is going on with S18 reminded me of the bits I'd heard about S's oldest son who lives in Australia. So I asked her more details - in part to better understand what is going on with S18 and on how she handled it.

The short(ish) version is that around when S married her last husband in 2012 he was 16. Her oldest daughter had chosen to live on her own at 18 rather than move in. Her then S16 had a similar pattern of abusive behaviour and, while not booted out, chose to live with his sister rather than his mother and new husband. As an aside, S18 also at 15 or 16 lived with this same sister for a summer. And yes D26 is both a rescuer of her mother and is tired of rescuing / fixing for her mother - which perhaps explains some of her "taking over" attitudes.

Anyhoo - so this oldest son eventually finished high school - his mother pretty much never saw him and then he moved to Australia and has settled down with a nice girl. He pretty much never calls his mother, she hardly ever calls him (like only a couple of times a year) or even sends him a message. They certainly are on speaking terms and have the familial love thing going on. The kids that knew him that I also know describe him as energetic and annoying. But that relationship is in no way similar to what I have with my own son so the "not hearing from them for months" thing is a bit more concerning to me than it is to her in her very different situation.

I can't help but feel sad for S though. Even though my son and daughter and I have had our differences and we're not as close as some families, there is an underlying core strength there, respect and admiration that she just doesn't seem to have. Being told continuously for now essentially the last decade by her own flesh and blood that she's not worthy has got to be so very wearing. She is certainly - and in some ways disappointingly - disappointed that S18 didn't move in with his buddy as originally planned. She was I imagine looking forward to a life without that abuse.

[Ginger1]

And what do you believe the reason is as to why her kids don’t respect her or have admiration for her?

Why did she allow her 16 year old to live with his 18 year old sister?