Finding and living compassionate indifference

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

kml has much wisdom and her reasoning is sound. I’m glad her post is clearing up some ideas for you. You definitely got the right view. Let the L look into things a make suggestions, that’s their trade. You of course still have the final say.

Is it still following your beliefs if you are feeling exactly the opposite?

Yes.

When you make decisions and act based on values and thought and reason and logic. Your feelings don’t need to match. In fact for a good while they wont. Intellect and beliefs will influence your emotional self as you continue towards acceptance.

For me, now, my beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and therefore actions all move more or less in sync. It’s a pretty amazing outlook, especially when I consider what I used to feel like.

I'm also feeling like I could never fully forgive him or trust him again.

Feeling that way is understandable.

Don’t tie forgiveness to your feelings, it doesn’t work that way. Forgiveness doesn’t come from feeling better. Forgiveness comes from compassion and empathy, which comes from your values. Forgiveness frees your feelings.

Do also be careful tying forgiveness and trust. Those are separate items and values. I forgive XW. I don’t trust her.

I know feelings do change, I am trying to leave my future self the option of being open to what else could happen with H. I'm trying not to say or do anything right now I would regret later. I am hoping that eventually my feelings will align more with my beliefs.

Very good cardinal. Yes your feelings will change. And they will be influenced by, and align with, your beliefs and thoughts; keep a sharp mental sword.

I would like you to do something. Remove “try” from the above quote (could use “going” or other minor word changes). Read it that way. Say it aloud. It sounds different, yes? It sounds like a belief, a conviction. That is mental assertiveness and influence. That is one way to craft a belief.

I do get you want H to be happy and you wanting H’s relationship to fail. You can do both.

I do want XW’s relationship to explode and her to suffer and awaken to all that she did and the damage she caused. However, if, and I really mean this, if she cannot awaken I hope her and OM have a long and happy life together.

I’d rather she was back in the land of the real and could heal, but if that’s truly impossible I’d rather she have a good fantasy life than a horrible existence as a lost soul.

Of course I don’t choose her path. I only choose mine. I know and believe I’ve made good choices. Compassionate choices. I’m in a really good place, and share my path and lessons willingly.

You are doing great cardinal. Have faith.

D

[cardinal]

Okay, bear with me, because I know I am internalizing all of this slowly! I woke up thinking about what H said in his short I'm filing speech. Once I have some distance from these interactions, I can look at them in a way that is less influenced by the immediate feelings they summon in me. D, I know you said he was clearly projecting, clearly looking for me to get angry. I wish I were better at seeing and understanding all of this in the moment, when H is speaking. But in real time, it's like I'm still sucked in by the fact that this person looks like H but isn't him.

Anyway, so when he said I hadn't been communicating with him and that it seems like I'm afraid to ask him for anything, in the moment my mind jumped to taking what he said at face value and doubting myself--should I have been communicating in a different way? Did I do something wrong? I remember my doubt was also mixed with sharp anger and the feeling that I had done nothing wrong. I think the questioning is partly because I am now more apt to recognize defensiveness in myself than before BD, so I'm more apt to want to question my anger and whether or not I am actually at fault. I think this is a good thing, but maybe a bit dangerous in my interactions with H right now, because his default is blame and no matter what he's just not capable of taking any responsibility.

But today I thought, well, it's weird that he brought up communication out of nowhere and also not asking him for things. It came out like he was exposing something I'd been doing wrong, but if I think of it instead as something he was projecting, then it seems like he expected me to do all the work of communicating and D, or he was actually mad that I had stopped trying to start friendly conversations with him like I used to do in the fall. Maybe he was also upset that I don't rely on him for much of anything anymore--I never ask him for anything, because I know I can do it myself. He wants me to be dependent on him. It is easier for him to think of himself as a good guy when I am asking and he is giving, even if begrudgingly. The point is that whatever his logic was in bringing these things into the convo, he only knows how to frame it as a way to blame me for the failure of the M, and to justify that we could never work.

I know it's useless to try to figure out what he's thinking, but I did this as an exercise in reminding myself that his logic is warped, and it will be for the indefinite future. I need to be able to recognize when he's projecting and blaming and separate this from my tendency to assume blame or from my desire to argue and make him see it isn't true. I need to be able to recognize his projections in the moment so that I remain calm inwardly as well as outwardly and can say, I'm sorry you feel that way, and not default to frantically analyzing and questioning my past behavior or needing to defend it.

I recognize that if H does balk at whatever conditions I end up having for an agreement, he may accuse me of being demanding or trying to punish him, but really these are just financial realities of D and everything that follows now is a natural consequence of his decision to D. These are not consequences imposed by me, but flow from his decisions, which he is free to make.

And I know reconciliation isn't the goal, I know all of this is for me, but I do admit I have some anxiety about H getting more angry at me, more ugly, because that would seem to affect chances for R down the road (even though I can't know how I'd feel about that if it happened). Seem to effect being key, yes? Because 1) I am not responsible for how H decides to react, so I shouldn't worry about that; and 2) it does seem that this in itself is not a barrier to R. It's more just a reflection of MLC/WAS inner turmoil and not a reflection of me or, as he would have it, as proof of why our M never worked.

Let me know if my reasoning is off. I know I can come here for more objective views of our interactions when I am having trouble being objective, and that is invaluable. I was also just reading some of Grace's older threads and admiring how calm and confident she was when she was interviewing lawyers and making an initial offer to her H, and of course he said it was completely unreasonable. With time and work, I would like to (no "try to" here!) navigate the next stage like this. With fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity.

I do get you want H to be happy and you wanting H’s relationship to fail. You can do both.

I do want XW’s relationship to explode and her to suffer and awaken to all that she did and the damage she caused. However, if, and I really mean this, if she cannot awaken I hope her and OM have a long and happy life together.

Oh, man. I'm glad to hear I can do both. I'll have to have faith that someday I can say and mean that if he can't awaken, I hope he has a long and happy life with whoever else he is with. That I will be able to fully forgive for me. This morning I interacted with him in a neighborly manner and felt better than I did yesterday. But then I remembered he is in a new R, and a huge wave of all the feelings hit me so hard.

[Kind18]

I go through these same feelings Cardinal.

I also was quick to defend myself. I would also ruminate for days after an interaction questioning what I should have done differently, if it was all my fault, and how I was going to be punished.

Please be aware that your spouse plays on this. They don’t necessarily do this consciously so it isn’t deliberately being used to hurt you. But it is a dangerous dynamic in a lot of relationships which end up here.

You just need to stay strong, stable and compassionate. I think the crux of your issue is your spouse running from responsibility. So many MLCers are driven by this. IMHO, it is the deep-seated, underlying cause of these people in MLC who treat their loved ones despicably. But as DNJ says, separate the person from the behaviour.

My biggest mistake was spending three years trying to talk, reason, argue, and get MC in the hope that my wife would start to be an adult and own her choices, behaviour and outcomes of these.

It was all a waste of time. The only way someone really learns something is if they learn it for themselves.

because his default is blame and no matter what he's just not capable of taking any responsibility.

Bingo. This is the problem. This might change one day... but you haven’t and can’t do anything to make that happen.

Please stay strong. You’re doing great.

[Gerda]

It might not be possible to see things clearly while you are early in this journey and living with the MLCer. I couldn't.

But the problem was that I didn't trust the people on these boards. I thought I was different, and I thought my MLCer was different.

So let me give you a potentially surprising piece of advice -- don't try to understand anything. Just trust us as witnesses. Think of it as an experiment. We have no reason to lie to you and for whatever reason we are driven to try to prevent you from making the same mistakes. Really if you think about it, why do any of us care if a stranger goes through the pain we already went through, or makes the mistakes we made? Compassion is driving us, the opposite of the MLCer's narcissism.

Try to make a list of things you've been told to do here. A very simple list -- e.g., "No matter what H says, say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Don't go through all the ways you have to change your response. Just have whatever response you want,on the inside or later, when H can't see you screaming into a pillow or a forest. But in front of him, imagine we are behind you shouting into your ear, "JUST SAY, 'I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY,' AND WALK OUT OF THE ROOM CHEERFULLY AND GO FOR A WALK."

I think you are trying to fix yourself. You can't do that right now. Get him out of the house and you might be able to start. Right now just trust the old folks and do what we say. DnJ did everything right probably. But I didn't. Took me seven years. Now I get it.

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

You are internalizing at a fine pace. No worries.

I know reconciliation isn't the goal, I know all of this is for me, but I do admit I have some anxiety about H getting more angry at me, more ugly, because that would seem to affect chances for R down the road (even though I can't know how I'd feel about that if it happened). Seem to effect being key, yes? Because 1) I am not responsible for how H decides to react, so I shouldn't worry about that; and 2) it does seem that this in itself is not a barrier to R. It's more just a reflection of MLC/WAS inner turmoil and not a reflection of me or, as he would have it, as proof of why our M never worked.

Let me know if my reasoning is off.

Your reasons is good and sound. And I don’t mean just for the above paragraph. You are doing very good everywhere.

The anxiety that stirs up from the worry that H will get more angry and ugly is real. It’s ok.

Worry is like praying for something you don’t want. Let that go.

Indifference is key. Compassionate indifference.

With indifference you don’t get dragged into this emotion. You can care about H, while not being affected by his behaviour. In actuality it is you that is affecting you - H doesn’t have that much power. You gave it to him. Take it back.

Indifference allows compassion without you getting dragged down.

I also was quick to defend myself. I would also ruminate for days after an interaction questioning what I should have done differently, if it was all my fault, and how I was going to be punished.

I like what Kind said about this. (Hello kind)

We do blame ourselves. We take in the fault and then fear, and expect punishment; like it is somehow warranted or ordained. And, we unwittingly and unknowingly fulfill that irrational need for self punishment.

I also like what Gerda posted. (Looking back I probably did do things efficiently. )

But the problem was that I didn't trust the people on these boards. I thought I was different, and I thought my MLCer was different.

Trust is a difficult commodity to regain after such a betrayal as we all have suffered.

That is one thing, I did throw myself into this wholeheartedly. I put an incredible amount of faith and trust in the people here and their hard earned wisdom. That’s not following along blindly, it is however taking quite a bit on faith.

I was also just reading some of Grace's older threads and admiring how calm and confident she was when she was interviewing lawyers and making an initial offer to her H, and of course he said it was completely unreasonable. With time and work, I would like to (no "try to" here!) navigate the next stage like this. With fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity.

Yes, Grace’s journey is a good one as well. Calm and confident. It looks good on a person.

Do navigate the next stage with fierce compassion, equanimity, and integrity. Glad to see you’re not trying. Your doing!

D

[cardinal]

Kind, thank you for sharing your experience here too. I can certainly understand the desire to reason, argue, and talk with your spouse! Especially because the logic on their side seems to change so suddenly. Even though I have mostly resisted giving in to this desire over the past year, nothing has changed, so it really doesn't seem to matter what we do. How many times have I read it is their journey, and we can't influence it? I think I still had expectations that if I did everything mostly "right," it would at least diffuse the anger and blame.

It might not be possible to see things clearly while you are early in this journey and living with the MLCer. I couldn't. [...] So let me give you a potentially surprising piece of advice -- don't try to understand anything. Just trust us as witnesses.

Oh, Gerda, this helps. It made me realize I do think that I'm somewhat trying and failing all the time, and it is a little bit of a consolation to hear that maybe it is just not possible. Maybe I should just accept that for now. And I do trust you all here, and I am so constantly blown away by the compassion shown by strangers. Although you do feel like friends. Sometimes I think, wow, I can't even send all of you a thank you card. I can never thank you enough. But you have been similarly supported here on your journey, so I know you, and everyone who posts, really understands what a gift it is to have the compassionate witnesses here to help guide you.

But in front of him, imagine we are behind you shouting into your ear, "JUST SAY, 'I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY,' AND WALK OUT OF THE ROOM CHEERFULLY AND GO FOR A WALK."

I will absolutely start picturing you all here so that I can say this. I do fear my concentration and composure may lapse and some point, and I will say one of the many angry things I've said in my head.

With indifference you don’t get dragged into this emotion. You can care about H, while not being affected by his behaviour. In actuality it is you that is affecting you - H doesn’t have that much power. You gave it to him. Take it back.

You know one reason I think I am giving him more and more power? I am increasingly doubting my perceptions, and I am doubting MLC. I am doubting the articles and people who say this is not about me, this is about him. I am doubting the behaviors that have to me seemed to be examples of self-medicating or MLC. Even finding OW now (or however long it's actually been going on--I suspect whoever she is, they've been friends in the past year) seems like it could be another form of self-medicating. I tell myself this, and I tell myself his behavior is not about me, that his anger is directed at me but I didn't cause it, but I don't fully trust my own perceptions or logic. I have been thinking if we had had a close-to-perfect M, then I would be able to believe this isn't about me. Instead I am still struggling not to shoulder all responsibility for the SSM, or for not realizing how unhappy he was underneath. And I think, what if he was truly unhappy all because of the SSM? What if his unhappiness does stem from me? How could he not be happier with OW and sex?

I was thinking back to the post-Thanksgiving blow-up. It was the first time I'd witnessed him spewing since BD, and I had been being nothing but kind and giving him space. I only scheduled the time to talk with him because he'd said he was moving forward with filing the week before and that he envisioned us working on an agreement on our own. He said we could talk more about it any time. He was so calm and almost like his old self when he said that. So I asked if we could talk at X time about how he saw us proceeding toward agreement. And then when X time came, before I could say anything, he just started yelling about how he didn't have time for this, he had new friends who appreciated him, he'd always done what I wanted him to do, he's not selfish but he has to look after himself now... blah blah blah. And I wasn't upset! I was calm. I said I'm sorry you feel that way. I almost felt vindicated, because it seemed to me a textbook example of MLC behavior. I was confident that this was not about me; it was about him. He'd just helped cement that for me.

So where did that confidence go? I think maybe it partly got worn down by the expectations I mention above--that if I continued to stay calm and disengaged after that, he would see that I wasn't the sole cause of his unhappiness. Maybe continuing to live with him eroded my confidence. To see, during his birthday spewing, that he was not only still angry but did not view me as an equal--that was a low I didn't see coming.

[may22]

Cardinal, I'm wondering if you can take a bit of a break from thinking about your H and being compassionate yet disengaged from him and what that looks like and where he is and revisiting your perceptions of his behavior and what happens next... it is a lot, a LOT, and I feel like you're getting pulled along in his wake right now and we need to figure out how to detach. I think it was BlueSea's thread where she talked about feeling like she was in a car going 100 mph and knew it was going to crash and someone said... you know what you have to do, right? GET OUT OF THE CAR.

Your sitch seems more slow motion, maybe like a boat and the water is deceptively calm but you're wondering what is under there. How do you build yourself your own boat with your own sails so you can get where you need to go under your own control? I know it is a process to go through and you won't get there any sooner than you can, so take the time that you need. But. How can we get your force field back?

On the SSM... I'm imploring you to forgive yourself for this. You did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. And there is no going back, anyway. I know know know how you feel about this and I'm trying not to go back there too, especially now when things are coming to a head and H is saying over and over and over it it wasn't for the SSM this never would have happened. But. His A is not my fault and your H's MLC is not your fault.

And... in terms of revisiting or doubting your perceptions of his behavior, is it MLC or not... these labels don't really matter. No diagnosis is going to spit out the perfect combination of do XYZ and he'll come out of it next month or year or whatever. He's not acting like your H. Even if he hasn't been spitting vitriol every day, he has the capacity and you know that. You've been tiptoeing around him in your own house for months while he blasts his records and smokes weed and talks on the phone loudly to his new "friends" and generally just acts like a spoiled teenager. Eew. You don't want or need that in your life. What are all the positives you envision in your life with H out of the picture? Like for me, I will get a puppy, I get a ton more space in the house with all his $hit out of here, I make decisions on my own without needing to confer or compromise. Vacation where I want to vacation, watch only TV I want to watch, sleep in without guilt. That's just off the top of my head. What about you?

(((Cardinal))) you can do this. The parent red-headed cardinals brought their new baby by yesterday afternoon. That sucker is LOUD! It is hilarious because it looks bigger than the parents, so fluffy, yet can't get its own birdseed so squawks until mom or dad brings it something and puts it right in its mouth. Can you be the baby cardinal for a minute? What do YOU want? I guarantee that baby is not thinking about anyone else or what they might think or what they thought in the past or will do in the future. You deserve to focus 100% on you for a while.

[DnJ]

Good Morning cardinal

I was happy to read your post this morning. Well, I’m happy to read your posts all the time.

This morning’s happiness was because of your self-doubt. This is a good thing! (Warning counterintuitive explanation come up)

We all doubt ourselves, especially at the beginning. Then we focus on us, start to see, the doubts lessen, and we move forward.

This round of self-doubting is different. This is proceeding a decision, a change, IMHO.

This is questioning your stance, your values, your beliefs. We challenge our beliefs to see if they will crumble. For what good are beliefs if they are not rock solid. They are beliefs after all.

You are “trying” to poke holes in your beliefs, in your explanation and narrative of life. This will lead to further strengthening and altering. Will bring up more hidden emotional issues, like SSM and your part in it. Work through it. Look, none of us are perfect! Believe me. However, XH was on his trajectory before you. Even though your feelings are questioning that.

I am increasingly doubting my perceptions, and I am doubting MLC. I am doubting the articles and people who say this is not about me, this is about him. I am doubting the behaviors that have to me seemed to be examples of self-medicating or MLC.

Yep. You bet. I did the same.

We rebel against this notion of MLC. Rebel against this explanation. Rebel against what is right in front of us. Why?

Any change goes through four stages. Six if you accurately include the maintenance stage, the good six months where the change or behaviour is maintained, and the termination stage which is where the change has become permanent so the end of the change journey.

Stages:

Precontemplation, the idea of wanting to change but no real plans to do so.

Contemplation, one is more seriously considering change and is open to feedback and information.

Preparation, one has a plan mostly organized, realizes the pros outweigh the cons, and is ready to take action. Has even taken some small steps.

Action, one has actually begun “doing” something different. Knowledge and self confidence grows. Those small steps make huge benefits in this stage. One’s momentum of change gets going. It is also here that feedback and support are critical. This is where so many questions arise.

Maintenance, is where one is actively pursuing their action for six months. Small missteps do not matter, it is the overall momentum forward that is key. It’s from this stage that relapse can happen. A variety of factors could derail someone - stress, not seeing forward progress, limited or no positive feedback or encouragement, and so on. Lapses and what stage they fall back into, depend on many factors and severity. An alcoholic having one drink would be a pretty big lapse. For most minor lapses one just enters action stage again, regains their confidence, gather encouragement, and renews their drive and momentum.

Termination (or adoption), is after a good time period of living this new and healthy change. After two years one is considered to have adopted or made permanent their change. The change process can be consider terminated. You are now living it, no long changing towards it.


Altering, strengthening, changing one’s beliefs is a pretty big thing. We are going to question it. We are going to challenge it. Which is questioning and challenging ourselves. (Hence the doubt)

And of course, people fight change, we rebel against it. We all push back a certain amount against the wisdom; it’s normal.

Most people in real life do not understand MLC. Never heard of it, or see it as the guy buying a shinny red Ferrari and getting a young buxom girl friend. Very few know the depth and darkness that is a mid life crisis. Even here in these forums there are many who question, dispel, or outright disbelieve MLC. It’s ok. What matters is what you believe.

MLC isn’t well studied and is devilishly hard to diagnose. And in my view usually is accompanied by other disorders, mental and/or personality issues. These are easier to see and therefore mask or hide the trauma lurking within. The person is in crisis, and lost within many many different change processes; such a tangled web. Lapsing, failing, running, etc... This is happening at mid life. They exhibit behaviour of a tumultuous troubled teen. If it sounds like a duck... well that’s for you to decide.

Which is where you are. A sort of crossroads. I’ve been here too.

Changing is a process. Changing one’s beliefs is a bigger process.

As I said, your questions are good news. Shows progress. Shows wisdom. You have sought and are seeking encouragement. I think you can see the lapse you have experienced. Stress and current events have played a part.

I encourage you to stay the path. Which, by the way, I fully would suspect you to do. You are that person after all. This is just questioning before another step along the path. Granted, this is a significant step/milestone.

Take your time. Ask and question all you want and need. When you are ready you will know.

Focus on you. Be that woman you want to be.

D

[kml]

Re: the SSM - don’t beat yourself up too much. I don’t remember the details of how yours got that way, but I do know a kind loving spouse who is meeting your needs is more likely to pursue marital counseling than an affair to remedy the problem.

[cardinal]

may and DnJ and kml, thank you. I can't believe it's been a week since this new announcement. I feel so different a week later. D, it's comforting to hear that you were once in the same place--questioning MLC, doubting yourself. I think I will have to do more work with IC to really forgive myself for role in SSM, but my friend was also saying love isn't just something that exists if the sex is plentiful--that's not what the vows are. Love means working through these things with compassion on both sides. M isn't just all the good, as Wayfarer was writing in her post. It's the bad too. The idea is to take it all together. And I do tend to think that because of H's separate issue of feeling like he's always lived his life for others, been controlled by others (especially me!), if this is part of MLC, this would've caught up with him at some point, SSM or not. SSM was just one item on his list of justifications for not working on M at BD, and I think it's yet another convenient justification for his running. It's the one that has stuck with me, because I could have put more effort into changing it... though it also would have required effort on his part, and, looking back, I can't even be sure he would have been willing to put in that effort on our own or with counseling even five years ago.

This round of self-doubting is different. This is proceeding a decision, a change, IMHO.

When I read your post, I was thinking, What beliefs am I challenging? What beliefs are in the process of changing or being reinforced? That I do believe something drastic has happened with H to lead him here, regardless of the positives and challenges of our M? That I might believe MLC, rather than fear that I am grasping at reasons for all of his changes so that I don't have to be the cause of them?

I talked to my IC on Sunday. It did help to hear her state that H has been numbing first with alcohol, then vaping, then new R; that is not in my imagination. A new R is like another kind of drug. He is going to continue to have R issues until he faces himself, no matter who he is with. And H is already seeming a little moody around me again.

I was thinking about how I want to proceed and trying to let go of fear of how H will react, which is (everyone who knows what's been going on in the last year seems to agree) probably not going to be great no matter what. I felt very clearly that I want to be amicable through all this and that I want to honor the R we had, even if H has erased that R and its history. I want mediation. Realizing that, I felt a little bit of peace. I think I was building myself a boat in that moment, may.

I do feel something changed between my last post full of self-doubt and this one, but I'm not sure what it is or if it's only temporary. I have felt stronger and calmer in the last few days, which is confusing to me, because I was sobbing in the bathroom at work on Saturday. Has it really sunk in that the man I knew is gone? This H's values and behavior are, yes, opposite of old H. He has the entitled attitude of a WAS and the, to me, bizarre behavior described in MLC. It really does feel now like I was married to one person and am now being divorced by another. I no longer feel much like there is an old H hiding inside that I could reach if only I knew the secret combination. I kind of feel like old H is packed away in a box somewhere, and it will be up to new H to dust off that box and look inside at some future point. I still hope he does.

Right now I am willing to try to begin discussing an agreement with H when I am ready--after receiving financial documents from him and first consulting with another L. I still doubt this will work, because his accusing me of not communicating with him for the past year is not a good sign that we will be able to communicate about money and decisions that will affect both our lives, but maybe I'll be happily proved wrong. I would rather go straight to mediation with a flat fee, which would save us the money of his filing and my responding, since it would all be wrapped into the mediation deal, but should I really spend more energy trying to convince H we will save money that way, or just let him file if he's going to without further comment?

If it is clear that we can't work things out without help, I will again state my preference for mediation. If he is still resistant to spending the money for that, I will say it's either that or I will need a L. Mediation seems the more amicable and reasonable path to me, as the law does make most of what we will have to discuss pretty straightforward. Either way, I need and am entitled to a professional to guide me through this, and I will not back down from that.

I plan to give H a list of documents I will need with a deadline of, say, two weeks. I will then bring these to a L to discuss in more detail so that I have an even more specific idea of what items need to be negotiated and what I am entitled to. Does this seem fair? Are there any other documents I should include in this list? So far I have:

--Past 18 months of statements from our savings account (I think he is going to balk at this, but I am still worried H has taken money out in the past year without my knowledge, since I don't have access to the account, so I don't just want the most recent statement)
--Past 2 years tax returns
--H's most recent pay stubs
--H's retirement/pension statement

I will also bring the budget I have been working on with estimated expenses and income--it's not looking good, as health and dental insurance on the open market are going to be a bigger expense than I was hoping. But I don't want to skimp on that in a pandemic! If I receive the $ in support I need from H, I will be barely making it most months, with no money leftover for clothes or fun stuff, but I will have savings to draw from if needed. I'm still trying to have faith that I will find a better full-time job sooner rather than later. Luckily I've been offered two classes at the local university this fall, so that extra income over three months should get me through the next year even if I don't find a better job... that's assuming my current job goes back to full-time soon, since I am still at reduced hours because of Covid. There are some uncertainties I just have to accept right now.

Gosh, I have more questions, but this is a good starting point, I think. I am trying to be the baby Cardinal, may!