Oct 17 - Mar 18 : BD followed by 6 months of (him) I am moving out, I am not moving out, I love you but it's hopeless, anger, hate, and spite. Moments of tenderness. Slow detachment from family life. (Me) Begging, pleading, walking on eggshells in case he blows, trying to GAL but finding that that blows back on me (resentment).
Mar 18 - Dec 18 : new normal becomes an excellent father. Takes the kids frequently, present, attentive. He starts to detach from me fully - though he is consciously trying to be kinder. Still very much a presence in the house. Occasionally we sleep together (initiated by me). Sept 18, I run into him on a night out with the girls. He is on a date. I go mental at him. Two days later we have an R talk (first since he moved out). We never talk her again. Two days later a discussion about the children escalates (I am passive aggressive and hurt) and he mentions separation agreement, then he asks me if I want to join him and the children for lunch. I say no. We don' mention separation / divorce until Dec '20 (now). Christ '19. I tell him I still love him. He walks away. I start seeing someone at work in Dec - it lasts about a month.
Jan 19 - Dec 19 : limbo We do not talk about us EVER. We co-parent well. Occasional passive aggressiveness from him whenever I say no to a request or mention something that I am doing (outside the 'family'). His family slowly detach - embarrassment for me, loyalty for him. I discover he is OLD in July. Hurt, but no resentment on my part. Surprised but not surprised. I push it to back of mind and carry on. We are friendlier but not friends.
Jan 20 - present : limbo ends I find out he was having a 'relationship' with a teachers aid at D10's school sometime around christmas 19. She says it was a full on relationship (he lives across the road from the school and she was popping round at lunch for sex) and he said it was drunken flirting on nights out. I assume there was sex (because he is a man), but no relationship (because she's a bunny boiler). I decide it doesn't matter but it does lead to discussions about formalising the separation. We both (separately) have our first mediation session. Covid put an end to the sessions and we have at times discussed restarting them. He wants 50/50 of the children, and I've stated I won't agree until he can demonstrate 3 continuous months (where his airline is fully running) where he has the children for 50%.
I suspected he was seeing someone during lockdown (I know when he is lying to me) and in early June he told "he is seeing someone and wants to tell the children". I say "OK". He told them the same day and more recently, he has introduced her to them. Now that they have met her, I suspect that she will be a fixture in their life.
D13 begins acting out, at first, at both of us, but eventually, her moods focus is on me. D13 and I have an argument in March and she turns to her dad and my MIL. I am the worst person in the world - it is like I am living with her dad again during BD and MO. I know how to handle it this time. Consistency, repeated attempts at engagement, even when ignored and just not letting her comments, her looks and her attitude change my course.
So, that brings me to today. Today I am feeling it.
It was a sleepless night last night. I found out (on friday) that he had taken his new GF and the kids to a theme park. A family day out without me. The girls didn't even say anything. They have still not mentioned her. I only found out because D10 said Daddy and D13 went on the big ride, and I rather surprised said. "Did they leave you by yourself?". She said "E stayed with me". I didn't ask any further questions, just smiled and said "Oh, well that's good, at least you weren't on your own". And yesterday, a girlfriend said he had seen her in town with his GF again.
I was not bothered when he was 'secretly' dating. He kept that separate from his 'real' life. But now, he is trying to integrate the two. I cannot blame him. It is only natural that eventually he would want something more than 'on the side'. I do think that Covid has had a lot to do with it. With the lockdown all his usual distractions were gone (his friends, the gym, work) so all he had was her (and us). They naturally got closer. But that he is now walking around town and having family days with her just shows how much I have been marginalised.
I know. It's spinning and none of this serves me. I am keeping appearances up. I smile, I act happy around the children, I wave them goodbye when they leave, I ask them how their day has gone when they return. I engage with him (in so far as the discussions are logistical) but inside I feel like I am breaking again.
I do understand that this is the natural course of things. There is (unwarranted) anger at how he has gone about things. Sneaking around, never actually telling me we were over, avoiding conversations (we both did this) so that I never fully understood what was going on.
Should I have pushed more in those early days? Should I have confronted him and forced him to tell me what was going on? Did my 'detachment' only push him away further? Would it have done any good?
I know this does not serve me. But it is what is going through my head and how I feel regardless.
Does it "serve" you this thinking? I dunno. But I do know that your feelings on it will pass quicker than they might have in the past. The bounce-back rate becomes quicker. I think it's important to have the sad days when you feel it.
I'm thinking of you, sending you a cup of tea and maybe a good book to escape with. Maybe some good escapist art would be nice right now - movie, book, or maybe some painting?
In the past I have tried not to make hasty decisions when I feel like this. But I think the time has come for me to stand down and pull the (legal) trigger on my marriage.
There has been little disclosure on his part. It has been "I am unhappy and I don't know what I want" then nothing then TWO years later "I am seeing someone and I am going to tell the children". The bits of information I have gotten have been from other people (he was seen in town drunk with his friends chatting up women, he was seen on a date etc etc). Yes, he never said he made a mistake, wanted to reconcile, but he also never said the situation was done. He just came around, mowed the lawn, walked the dog, played with the kids and had a hissy fit every time I mentioned wanting to move on ... selling the house. Like he wanted to be single but he wanted the safety net of me here in case he changed his mind.
I think it is what he wants. He hasn't because he doesn't want to hurt me (unlikely) or he wants to avoid the conflict for as long as possible.
I have changed my thread title, but perhaps I am still making a stand, just a different one. A stand for me and not for us.
The not having the conversation is the part that really bugs me about your H. I understand the process is painful - no matter what the outcome - and everyone handles it differently. We don't know one another's pain, even if we were married to them. So much avoidant behavior on these boards, which is incredibly difficult to deal with and process. You know from my sitch that I understand that bit at least: being on the other end of an avoidant person, and also being quite avoidant myself.
It's this weird deferral of pain, this not wanting to see what happens when you take a firm step in any direction. Like, parts of me can understand it because of who I used to be. But now that I've realized how much better I feel if I take confident steps forward - in ANY direction - that I think that dealing with the outcome if it is an authentic outcome is 1/100th of the pain of dodging and weaving and being inauthentic.
The sentence about the house really got me. That he refuses to let you live. And that's what he's doing - he's keeping you hostage. If you move forward with pulling the legal trigger I think good things are in your future. If you decide not to or choose to wait you will also have my support as well of course.
Don't regret the time you took to stand for the M, it has brought you many, many lessons that you can be grateful for.
Oh FS... So sorry things have gone the way they have. Your H sounds very much like my XH when it comes to conflict. He is/was pathologically conflict avoidant. Just quietly did what he wanted and then hoped that by the time I found out, so much time had passed that I didn’t care or that I wouldn’t say anything and just get used to the idea so eventually I wouldn’t care. Either way...he got to avoid having to have the conversation. He was like this during our marriage (I discovered in hindsight), our separation and our eventual divorce. As crazy as it sounds given everything he did, I also believe that he didn’t want to hurt me and I think that is true of your H as well. He felt compelled to leave though so he had no choice.
The good news is that my XH wasn’t wrong in some respects...enough time has passed...I did get used to the idea and now I genuinely do not care...about “us”. I care about our kids, I care about him and strangely enough, I find myself caring about her as she is going through some serious medical issues currently, but I no longer care what he did or what he is doing...as long as my kids are being looked after and he is being a great dad to them (which he is). I have finally reached a place of genuine acceptance and am honestly 100% happy again. I wish this for you too my friend and I know you can get there now that you know where your H is at. And you do know now even though he hasn’t had the conversation with you. His actions are speaking for him.
Regarding them having a “family day”. Yep. That is the HARDEST part of all of this. My kids are with their dad and his gf a week at a time and they do stuff together. I don’t think of it as family time though. It is dad time and when they are with me, it is mom time. We don’t have family time anymore. That ended with the divorce and it is the worst part of all of this. But...I have accepted this as well and it has gotten a lot easier. I don’t think about it anymore. I don’t wonder about it. I just concentrate on mom time when they are with me and when they aren’t with me, I concentrate on me time. I keep my focus on what I have and just don’t go down the “what I lost” road anymore. It is a pointless endeavour and only leads to regret and sadness which doesn’t do any of us any good.
You are such an intelligent, insightful, amazing person FS. You have been a heaven-sent gift and a support to me over these past two years. Whenever I needed advice and encouragement, you were there for me. Same as when I needed a swift 2x4 to the head...you were also there. So I hope I can be there for you as well because I think you need all of these things. It is time my friend. It is time for you to truly let go and fully accept what has happened. I say “fully” because you have done all the things one should do in order to get to that place of acceptance...so you are part way there. However, there is still a part of you that has been hanging on to the possibility that there might be a reconciliation in the future and it has stopped you from taking those final few steps. Now is the time FS. You can do it my friend. I know you can because I did it and everyone who has been here awhile knows what a mess I was. There IS life after divorce and it is a pretty good one. New experiences, new friends, new loves...not what we wanted but gifts, nonetheless. Embrace it. Open yourself up to it. Get excited!!! There is an awesome life out there waiting for you. I know there is. Go and get it!!! (((HUGS)))
There IS life after divorce and it is a pretty good one. New experiences, new friends, new loves...not what we wanted but gifts, nonetheless. Embrace it. Open yourself up to it. Get excited!!! There is an awesome life out there waiting for you.
Thank you DV - That bit about family time brought me to tears.
I guess the difference between your sitch and mine is that your daddy and mommy times are very well defined. My H has daddy time and also infringes on mommy time. He comes here EVERY DAY when the kids are with me. I cannot say much, the girls are use to him coming round at the same time (ish) every day. It has become their routine since lockdown began. D13 and he (and sometimes D10) take our dog for a walk (they take a football and kick it about in the park), then he mucks about in the garden and then goes for a run with D13. He never comes inside for longer than 5-10 minutes (drop stuff off, walk from the front door to the back, wait for D13). It feels intrusive, but I can't stop him without looking (to the girls) that I am keeping them away from their dad.
On days he has them he brings them back (at the same time) and repeats the same routine (walk, garden, run) irrespective of whether I am home or not. Again, I cannot stop him, our dog stays with me (he lives in a flat) and the girls want to see her and also get to spend a couple of hours in the house (D10 with her toys and D13 baking in the kitchen. I have tried not to let it control me. If I have plans at the time they are due to be at the house, then I continue with my plans, but I know how it must look to the girls - mummy is out again and should be home.
I really don't know what I can do about this. Legally I don't have a leg to stand on. Playing the moral card would not work - plus the children will think I am the bad guy. The only recourse really is to sell the house (that removes the legal blocker) and once I've done this, he can get a bigger place, and have our dog when he has the girls (removing the need to come 'walk her'). Unfortunately, I can't sell the house without his say so - and again, I will look like the 'bad guy' because I will be forcing him to sell the children's home.
Yail is right - any step in any direction will be better than what I have now - but the only steps available to me is one where I look (to the children) like the villain.
So I am left with ... do the right thing for me or don't rock the boat and thereby don't hurt my kids. D10 will understand but I am just I am not sure if my relationship with D13 can take any more hits before it is irrevocably broken.
Harvey - I read your posts and know that there is life after this. Thank you for the kind words.
(((FS))). Yes...what you describe would make it difficult to fully separate although I have my MIL in the downstairs suite and my XH comes by often. He is also dropping the kids off and picking them up a lot due to his gf’s medical issues and having to go to the hospital a lot (oh the irony of that!!). Yesterday he was visiting with his mom briefly and I went down and we talked for a bit. A year ago, I could not have done that and it would have bothered me immensely that he was in my house, my yard, etc... Now I don’t care so it has no impact on my day whatsoever. I really think that is the biggest difference. I think if you were truly past everything, it wouldn’t bother you that he was around. I know one thing for sure, if/when you are ready to date and you find yourself in a new relationship, he will not be around as much as he will want to avoid running into the new guy. So you have that to look forward to at least...
IDK...you are definitely in a bit of a pickle. Is there no way you can just have an honest conversation with him and let him know you are finding it difficult to 100% move on when he is around so much? Can you not just make an agreement that when you are there, he is not? Push for the divorce? A divorce would necessitate the selling of the house and the dividing up of assets, would it not?
Anyway...I do get that it is harder for you but I still don’t think it is impossible. Re: the girls. D12 and I have had a number of very honest conversations about the challenges of balancing her need for me to be her “mom” and my need to move past my broken marriage. Now that your H has a girlfriend, maybe D13 will understand this better and have more tolerance for it. At the end of the day, my D12 wants me to be happy and she does much better when she sees that I am. S12 also feels his best when he sees me happy and smiling. It frees both of them up to love their dad and his gf and I think this is the best thing for all of us.
Really hope your date this weekend goes well. I think you could really benefit from having someone new in your life. My yearlong “relationship” with Jack was such a gift. Even though I knew it wasn’t going to last, it so helped me to realize at a deep level that life was not over for me. I am excited at what the future might hold for me. I wish that for you as well my beautiful friend!! (((HUGS)))
