Good update Joseph. Interesting how WWs are so flaky. I do not trust, for a moment, that she has truly changed. She has too many issues to truly change. And so I applaud the way you are handling this. So many LBHs would just welcome her back with open arms without requiring her to do the hard work.
As far as you being 100% detached.I hope that is true. We see a lot of LBSs that mask their attachment with a new person. So I am hoping that isn't the case. That you would still be as "detached" from your STBXW without the new woman in your life, as you are with her.
As you know, Rs are very difficult. So the likelihood of the new R with the woman lasting is low. If you haven't truly detached from your W then if your R with the new woman ends you will find yourself overly attached to your W again. So just make sure you are truly working through your emotional baggage with her and not just masking it with the new R.
Otherwise, keep up the good work.
I am truly detached. I needed to take control of myself and my emotions. It took some time and IC absolutely helped. As did these forums. At this point it honestly wouldn’t matter what kind of hard work she put in. In my heart, because of everything she’s done up to this point I don’t know if I’d ever believe she was being real. If I could ever trust her 100% again with me or my children and I deserve so much more than to live that life. Like I said, I hold no ill will or hatred for her, and I wish her happiness but I wish happiness for myself and my kids too. And I won’t settle nor should they.
As far as my new friend, she really doesn’t have anything to do with my progress. She is a wonderful human being, but I am enjoying being a father to much to really get attached or get too serious with someone. I’ve been honest with where I am at emotionally with her. I’m not 100% ok and I have no idea when I will be. Not to sound like a baby, but this was a traumatic experience for me and my kids and we need to fully heal before I make a serious commitment to anyone. So I’ve decided to commit to myself and my children. I just need to make sure I don’t helicopter parent and give them space to grow and because well adjusted members of society.
Originally Posted by sandi2
It's so good to hear how well you and the children are doing. I hope you will stay detached from WW and all the drama she brings. A good manipulator can have you sucked back in, before you realize it. I maintain that a WW knows when her H has truly let her go, and I see your WW being no exception.
Joseph, I think you've done an incredible job picking up the pieces of your children's lives, as well as your own.
Thanks Sandi. She’s made comments recently about knowing she’s lost me and she’ll never forgive herself for allowing it. I don’t get caught up in it. We all have choices to make in life and we have to live the consequences of them. As does she. I don’t concern myself with her feeling sorry for herself. And I can’t be manipulated as long as I stay true to myself and don’t fall into the mind games. I just don’t have the energy for it. I just take everyday for the gift that it is, and enjoy my kids and myself.
Originally Posted by JosephS
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I thought she was pregnant with OM’s baby???
And how would your kids feel about this. What would it take for your kids to accept their abusive mother back into their lives ?
She had a miscarriage. And ginger I expected more from you! I thought you’d really lay into me here! Lol
Seriously I’m not sure what it would take for them to accept her back. But it doesn’t matter. I decided to take some time and really think about everything she said. I am a firm believer, and maybe this is a a fault of mine, that history seems to repeat itself. She’s done this once. She’ll do it again. And I’m just not willing to put anyone in that spot. Not myself and not my kids. It was a nice thought for a moment that maybe she really could change and maybe I could have my family back, but the reality is I would never trust her and never fully accept she’s changed. And that’s not fair to me, my kids or her either. So I’m just gonna stay the course. I’ve come to far and so have my kids to start to back peddle. I deserve better and so do my children.
Please look at the bolded above.
This is what I meant. She comes to your door and professes changes and love, and then you already start backtracking.
And where is the new friend in all of this thinking? If you were truly detached, and there was no way you would take back your EX, then why the second bolded line?
You seem confused. I know I am confused. But the distance pursuit dynamic is real. Your EX never thought you would really move on. And when you did her security net felt missing. Likely she is looking to get it put back, and then she will be back to where she was before and looking for something else in life. It is very rare for someone like her to truly change. IN fact, the miscarriage could be playing a big role in all of this. Maybe permanently (unlikely) or maybe temporarily (more likely). Regardless, you owe it to yourself, and to your new friend, to make sure you know what you want and make sure you have dealt with all of your unresolved emotions.
Oh and good job on handling the OM. Well done. However, if you entertained your ex's "I am going to get you back" then detachment and moving on still has some work to do.
Last edited by Steve85; 07/21/2002:52 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey Steve, I gave me pause. No doubt, but didn’t exactly throw me off or send me spinning. Just more or less...wow really why now? Could this work if she actually changed and we started over? Nah....
I hope that makes sense. There is no fixing what happened but would i be able to start over with her? Could she change and could I fall in love with her and trust her? Nah...
It’s just naturally who I am. I like the idea of a 2 parent home, and yeah if she said this a month into things I probably would be dumb enough to give it a go. Not anymore. But yeah it did give me a moment of pause. No doubt about it. I think that’s natural honestly.
But it’s all good. I’m fine, I didn’t go off the deep end. I didn’t show any emotion about it. I did know it was stupid for it to give me pause, but in reality it’s just apart of who I am and I’m sure she knows that and used it as manipulation.
Last edited by JosephS; 07/21/2003:31 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
All things considered, you handled it well. You allowed the thoughts to come, and you processed them from a healthy place. It's good that you come here to post about sudden changes.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Great job holding your ground. When LBS drop everything at the first or second sign of a WW spouse trying to reconcile, usually by agreeing to "just a date", it hasn't boded well for R in the situations I've seen here. I suspect there are too few consequences. It's like, "See, if I lie, am abusive, and cheat for months.. it's as easy to fix as saying I'm sorry and getting you back into bed!" I hope this separation from you, the kids, and family works as a motivator, and she does what she needs to to get involved in their lives again.
It’s been a long time since I updated. I still check the forums every so often though. Anyway figured I’d give an update.
Everyone has settled into the new house wonderfully. We all have a great routine going and it’s really helped to have that. Kids are a little disappointed they had to switch schools but it’s not exactly the hardest things they’ve had to deal with. Covid is still a thing so their new school is online only for the foreseeable future. Not to sound selfish but I was looking forward to them going back lol. Oh well. Such is life.
On the marriage front I have filed for the D and haven’t heard anything that way outside of her initially receiving it and letting me know she’s not going to quit trying to change her life and win me back. So I assume this is going to be a process. And that’s ok, I can only control what I can control. I have told her there’s to much damage done. I’d never fully trust her again. Not with me or our children. And truthfully I don’t think I realized I honestly wasn’t as happy as I thought I was until I dropped that rope. Saw my marriage for what it was without the rose tinted glasses. The amount of red flags of how much of a narcissist she is, emotionally abusive to me and just straight up selfish, how many of those red flags I ignored for years. I’m honestly happy. I’ve completely reinvented myself. I had a motorcycle when I met her, and was able to get one again. I get to blast my music when making dinner. I don’t have to worry about being judged by her for what I’m watching on TV. I get to decorate the way I want. Idk I’m just enjoying life a lot. Yesterday I changed the oil in my car and motorcycle. Went to Walmart and than went to chili’s and the woman I’m talking to bought me lunch. And not once did I have to answer for what I was doing or how long is it gonna take. Or anything like that. It’s quite amazing what actually freedom feels like.
So the woman I’m talking to is still the same woman from before. Not my daughters friends mom, but the other one. She’s an amazing woman. I’m so darn grateful to have met her. My oldest daughter (D15) asked her without me knowing if maybe the woman would take her to get their nails done together. And than my girlfriend called me and made sure I was ok with it. I was very uneasy because I don’t want my kids to get attached and then she’s gone too. But I said sure anyway, and they were gone for about 2 hours. The smile on D15 face and the hug I got when she got home....well I guess there’s no reward without a little risk. So we’ll see.
On another front I left the door open to bring groceries in and a stray kitten walked into the house. So...we have a cat now lol. Obviously took her to a vet etc, besides being seriously under weight she’s in good health and estimated to be 8-10 weeks old.
Hope everyone is well.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Great update Joseph!!! Sounds like your life is rolling along and you have discovered the freedom and peace of mind that comes from truly dropping the rope. It is such a great place to be, isn’t it? Glad you are still posting as I think it is helpful for newcomers to see that there is life after BD. (((HUGS)))
And truthfully I don’t think I realized I honestly wasn’t as happy as I thought I was until I dropped that rope. Saw my marriage for what it was without the rose tinted glasses. The amount of red flags of how much of a narcissist she is, emotionally abusive to me and just straight up selfish, how many of those red flags I ignored for years. I’m honestly happy. I’ve completely reinvented myself. I had a motorcycle when I met her, and was able to get one again. I get to blast my music when making dinner. I don’t have to worry about being judged by her for what I’m watching on TV. I get to decorate the way I want. Idk I’m just enjoying life a lot.
And this ^^^^^, ladies and gentlemen, is what I mean (I'll just speak for myself) when I suggest the LBS work on themselves, and reinvent themselves if necessary. Put forth the biggest effort possible, to enjoy life and be happy the person you've worked to become. This is a far cry from the co-dependent man who first showed up on the board, saying he and his W had always been best friends and didn't need anyone else. He has been such an encouraging example of someone who had to struggle through so many emotional problems that resulted from his W leaving him and their large family.
Well done, Joseph! It's such a joy to hear you are happy, and the children are doing well.
((hugs))
Last edited by sandi2; 09/01/2007:50 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I can only control what I can control. I have told her there’s to much damage done. I’d never fully trust her again. Not with me or our children. And truthfully I don’t think I realized I honestly wasn’t as happy as I thought I was until I dropped that rope. Saw my marriage for what it was without the rose tinted glasses. The amount of red flags of how much of a narcissist she is, emotionally abusive to me and just straight up selfish, how many of those red flags I ignored for years. I’m honestly happy. I’ve completely reinvented myself. I had a motorcycle when I met her, and was able to get one again. I get to blast my music when making dinner. I don’t have to worry about being judged by her for what I’m watching on TV. I get to decorate the way I want. Idk I’m just enjoying life a lot. Yesterday I changed the oil in my car and motorcycle. Went to Walmart and than went to chili’s and the woman I’m talking to bought me lunch. And not once did I have to answer for what I was doing or how long is it gonna take. Or anything like that. It’s quite amazing what actually freedom feels like.
Hi Jo,
Great update - so glad to see you come through this and realise how great life can be once you drop those rose tinted glasses - i was where you are now 16 months ago - and ive had the best 16 months ! Enjoy your life..
Wishing you all the best.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Life is is wonderful. I got a new car that’s much better suited for me and the kids a month and a half ago. So that’s definitely good. My boss set me up to work from home so I only have to go into the office one day a week and even than sometimes he just tells me to stay home. My work has been so supportive of what I’ve been thru. It’s been humbling to say the least.
Started some extra work on the house. Been fun learning new things. I replaced some sub flooring in the bathroom last week because a pipe leaked. Really not as hard as you’d think.
The STBXW is absolutely pregnant. Not my child, but I can’t get a divorce til the child’s born and paternity is established. But eh what can you do. Just another bump in the road. But nothing that can’t be easily overcome with patients and time.
Kids are doing amazing. They don’t talk about their mom anymore at all. But to see the difference in their personalities and the differences in their smiles tells the story. Heck even I look better and more vibrant. No one misses her and we are genuinely a better family unit. I know that sounds messed up, but we are happier and emotionally and mentally healthier without her.
I talked to S17 about adopting him when he was 18 since she never let me, he smiled and couldn’t say a word, just hugged me. So that’s on the table in 6 months and I couldn’t be happier.
I’m still dating the one woman. She’s been a huge blessing and an angel. I know some people on here wouldn’t agree with it, but she took my daughters to dinner the other night by herself for the first time. The kids had a great time. I loved the pics that were sent to me. And I loved the fact she took them to the pet store while they waited for their table.
Still thankful as possible that I found this board. You guys genuinely set me on the path that saved me from myself. Without it, I probably wouldn’t have found myself and probably would have made the mistake of putting myself worth into another woman which would have caused another disaster. Or I would have taken the ex back. Which in itself was literally dangerous.
Hope everyone is well.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Curtis updated his thread a few days back, and commented on how i so wanted to be a success story..
Updates like yours above are the "real success stories".. The LBS is all too focused on saving what they had, or thought they had - You eventually saw past the negative WW BS and moved on, to a positive enjoyable life.. long may it last
All the best.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
