H is opening up more to me. He mentioned going to a store tonight (which normally he'd just say "I'm going out after"). Then when he was heading out he said how he was going to x store and then for a drive (which I know is his thinking time). We ended up having a conversation about the kids (my eldest is struggling with all this) and how we parent different and it was really good. I talked about how I'm realizing that the kids can't be my everything and that I can't pour from an empty cup. It was a calm and really good conversation.
It hurts a bit because I wish I had these skills and this mindset pre-BD cause I could envision having the conversation cuddled on the couch or hugging after. Whereas me before would be off to do the cleaning or ensuring that everything was right, or didn't want to snuggle because I hadn't washed my hair or shaved my legs and cuddling might lead to something else and I wouldn't be 'perfect'.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Now that we are where we are, I see so many times I missed the chance for physical affection because of my own issues. Now I just hope I have the chance to one day show him what I've learned.
Not much as changed in the last month. He's still hot and cold with me, but hasn't been going out in the evenings, so I'm not sure if he's not moving out now or what.
I'm not supposed to ask right?
He's out of town during the week for two weeks now, so it's been different adapting to just me and the kids, but I've been making it work.
I'm really hating living in limbo, but I keep doing my thing, taking care of me (and the kids) and not worrying about him or what he's doing/going.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by not asking questions about the future. I keep reminding myself everyday that he's leaving, but it's been a month and a half since he said he found a place and has made no movement towards moving out.
Not much as changed in the last month. He's still hot and cold with me, but hasn't been going out in the evenings, so I'm not sure if he's not moving out now or what.
I'm not supposed to ask right?
He's out of town during the week for two weeks now, so it's been different adapting to just me and the kids, but I've been making it work.
I'm really hating living in limbo, but I keep doing my thing, taking care of me (and the kids) and not worrying about him or what he's doing/going.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by not asking questions about the future. I keep reminding myself everyday that he's leaving, but it's been a month and a half since he said he found a place and has made no movement towards moving out.
Its got to be rough... hanging in a stagnant state like that.
All I can offer is keep doing what you are doing. He hasn't left yet. That has to say something. Continue to not apply pressure. But, continue to look like you are living your own life independent of him. Start working on that mystery of who you are and what you are up too.
Thank you! It really is! It has been like this since the BD in the beginning of January, although he has slowly warmed up to me and started communicating more.
I may be smiling and laughing when reading texts (even if they are just funny memes). I've stopped worrying that anything I do or say can push him either way. I'm just me -take it or leave it (literally I guess....)
Cest_Moi, your feeling on "I don't know what to do. I want the marriage, but I also don't feel like I deserve to be strung along like this." is completely legitimate and common too. Some of the best advice I got in my sitch was to set a date. If my W wasn't committed back to the marriage by that date then I would go file for D myself.
The suggestion was one year post BD. Since my BD was 12/23, I picked the first business day after, which that year I believe was 1/3/2019. I cannot tell you how scary and yet freeing that was. Scary because when I set it there was a real possibility that I would be filing for D on that date. Freeing because it gave me something to look forward to. It gave me a sense of control in an uncontrollable situation. And it felt good to know that, by my own choice, limbo was not going to last forever!
As far as what he told you on April 4th. There is a reason we say believe nothing they say,and only half of what hey do. WAS are notorious for grand pronouncements. "I have a place!" Likely he had place identified, and to keep you off kilter he made it sound like it was secured. When he is moving out, then you can believe him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Cest_Moi, your feeling on "I don't know what to do. I want the marriage, but I also don't feel like I deserve to be strung along like this." is completely legitimate and common too. Some of the best advice I got in my sitch was to set a date. If my W wasn't committed back to the marriage by that date then I would go file for D myself.
The suggestion was one year post BD.
That's a great idea! Looks like my poop or get off the pot date is going to be Jan 5th.
I pissed him off today. We have separated the finances, for the most part, each have our own accounts and he would send me money for half the groceries, half the mortgage, half our loan and half the insurance. Mortgage and loan are not an issue - he sends it every payday. Groceries I usually remind him on payday of what his half is, insurance when it comes out. Two weeks ago he was talking about having money tied up from work travel and I said that I could hold off on the groceries so he wasn't short. He said he was still good, but didn't offer anything. So this payday, I reminded him of the groceries from the last month, plus the insurance. I offered to deduct money he spent on our kids and household stuff, I just didn't know how much he had spent.
He got extremely pissed off at me over email about it and how he won't take that off cause he's not nickle and diming me and doesn't keep track of everything he spends.
This got me pissed off because those are the only things he pays for the house. I take care of the other bills (I know I shouldn't but it's helped me see that I can do this on my own and will be ok). I buy all the kids clothes, shoes etc. I don't count every penny.
So now what was a peaceful environment is now the silent treatment from him. I'm actually anxious to go grocery shopping this weekend.
C'est. the other thing the setting a date did for me was gave me something to look forward too. Limbo stinks. There is no question about it. When a WAS/WS has a LBS twisting in the wind, the minutes feel like hours, hours, like days, days like weeks. Once I set a date, I knew there was an end date to my limbo. That one way or another I would be moving forward and not be stuck. It was one of the best things I did in my sitch.
And I actually started looking forward to it! If she didn't reommit to the MR and help me create MR 2.0 with her, I was going to be free. It actually was exciting. It took a lot of the dread out of the impending end of my marriage.
The other thing I did that was really freeing was to get a consult with a lawyer. Once all of the unknowns started to become knowns I started to feel empowered in my sitch.
I honestly think the changes these two actions endeared in me, where I really started to let go, was sensed by my WW and started to make her question what she was doing and losing. One reason it worked was because I was genuinely starting to move on. Not faking it to engender a change in her, but I actually started looking forward to a new life on my own, what that looked like, and the possibilities that opened up for me.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This has been a hard month for me. We had to put our pet down this week, that we got together when we first moved in together, almost 20 years ago. I loved that little guy and it broke my heart. He has been off and on this past month - which I know to expect, but it's really starting to take a toll on me. Usually we'd be camping together, doing things as a family etc. This summer, there's none of that, no camps for the kids to give me a break. I am home all day with the kids, he comes home, hangs in the living room with the kids, but not interacting, just on his phone. Comes up, eats the supper I make, chills for 20 minutes and then goes back to hide in the living room all night or goes out.
Some weeks he tells me when he's going and where, asks if I need anything, etc. Buys me the special treat that I told him before to stop buying because to me, it's his way of saying I love you (Which he did stop for awhile, but then started again)
Other weeks, like tonight, he just tells the kids to hurry up and brush their teeth cause he's going out. Then tells me he'll be back later and leaves.
I try not to obsess and I was doing so well for awhile. But now? For some reason I'm really struggling. I check to see if he has his work stuff to try to determine where he's going and what he's doing. I analyze what he's wearing etc.
I need to figure out how to stop this. I try to tell myself to stop but it's about effective as telling the rain to stop. I know part of it is that I'm mad cause I want to go out. But the only way to get out of the house first is to literally run out the door before he says something, which he usually does as soon as he gets in the door.
How can I stop obsessing and worrying and over analyzing and wondering?
This stuff is hard. I would lie if I didn't say I didn't obsess for much of my sitch. I can remember going to work and all I did was try to find her online presences. Whether it was Facebook, or dating sites or the online singing app she was spending so much time on. And then when I found them, tracking her activity on them. It was exhausting. And on top of it I was sleeping terribly. So I was mentally exhausted. Physically exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. Yet still obsessed with it.
It wasn't until I got myself to a place where I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care what she was doing online and on apps. I got to a point where I could lay my head down at night not only not caring what she did but excited for my future when I had this person that was taking up so much of my headspace as peripheral to my life.
Here is the thing....he can feel your obsession. He can feel you worrying and analyzing and wondering. And that gives him a sense of power over you. And it gives him a sense of security.....knowing his safety net is securely in place.
So how do you start to remove yourself as that safety net? Because I can tell you, that as long as he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and still come home to you as his safety net, he will continue to do what he is doing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
