Tell the cicadas to shut up

[kml]

On the other hand, I've gone my whole life without having a scheduled laundry day. My laundry basket filled up and I washed them. I did not however wait until there was nothing to wear. The only reason I do laundry on the same day of the week now is because CMM needed a scheduled day (where he could be sure he wouldn't have to remove my son's clean underwear from the dryer - HORRORS!) and I just do mine at the same time.

I say, let S do her own laundry however she wants but teach the boys to do their own and give them a day or an evening to do it with you so it doesn't get constantly postponed. Try to make it a fun time to teach them if you can (I know, what's fun about laundry? But mastery is always fun.)

As for the overdiagnosis of ADD - it definitely happened, mostly to energetic rambunctious boys, but it is also a real disorder. And it doesn't benefit people who really suffer from ADD to view them as lazy. Just try to give them an environment in which they can thrive and teach them how to compensate. They'll need those skills in school and in life.

Of interest, I "attended" a virtual conference this weekend on Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, a genetic connective tissue disorder. There was a lecture on ADHD which surprised me, but apparently the risk of ADHD in these patients is 5 times average. (Risk of autism spectrum disorders is 7 times!). Google Beighton score, people, if you or family members are "double-jointed" or hyperflexible or frequent dislocators..

[Dawn70]

When I lived alone, I didn't have a certain day I did laundry either but I'm not one who changes clothes a million times a day so I could go a week or so without doing any laundry. I would just wash a load when I had a load of like colors/items. It usually ended up that I did most of my loads on weekends, but that wasn't necessarily for any other reason than that is just how it fell when I needed more stuff. I never waited until I had nothing clean to wear though. I have a schedule now because my husband's job is one where he gets very dirty and so he has certain clothes that he wears and only has a finite amount of shirts/pants/socks that he wears to work. So, it makes sense to do all the laundry together on one day, weekends, rather than to do his on weekends then do mine whenever. It is just easier. I agree that S is a grown woman, so let her do her thing, but work with the boys so that they learn the value of a routine. If Sparky needs or wants something different to wear outside of the "regular" laundry schedule, he handles it, otherwise, I do it on the weekend.

I agree and actually said in my response to Andrew that ADD/ADHD is a real thing. Never said that it wasn't. But as a school teacher, I have seen plenty of students use it as an excuse to screw off. Of course if someone actually has ADD/ADHD then they are not typically lazy. My overall point there was that, if S and crew have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD there are some strategies that would likely benefit her and them in being more organized and having a better structure. If they haven't been diagnosed, it is POSSIBLE (may not be the case and may not even be likely, but is still technically possible) that they use it as an excuse for poor choices. I have seen ADD/ADHD students, actually diagnosed students, absolutely thrive when they get a handle on a "system" that works best for them, depending on their specific affliction. I have seen students with an actual diagnosis flounder because parents didn't or wouldn't figure out a way to help them focus and learn how to deal with things. Either way, I think Andrew's love for routine (which I totally get because I'm in the same boat) could benefit S and her boys, whether they have actual diagnoses or not. It is just a matter of figuring out a way to guide them without having to be all dad about it. For the record, Andrew, I'm totally not making fun of your routine thing. I'm totally here for it. I joke all the time that I would be both the easiest and most boring person in the world to stalk because I'm so routine.

[DonH]

As for laundry - teach the boys to do their laundry and have a day of the week set aside for them to do it. They're old enough to do their own and it's a life skill they need. (I remember being horrified when I went with my oldest on a college tour and the student leading the tour showed us the laundry facilities and commented on how most college students don't know how to do laundry when they arrive!!!

I may have regaled this little story before but I remember staying at the parents of a 40 year old band member when we were out west on the road. I put some clothes in their wash machine as this guy watched in amazement. “How did you know how to do that?” As if I just took off flying an airplane. 40 years old, a licensed plumber, and has never washed a load of clothes in his life. Keeps finding women who will mother him just like his mommie did for all those years.

Seriously. S has totally hit the jackpot in you. I suspect that she has not encountered a lot of men in her life who are as forgiving of her lack of routine as you.

I agree! As I’ve said before Andrew should not lose a wink of sleep worrying about S leaving - it’s completely the other way around. She needs to know how lucky she is. I suspect S25 knows this, is a bit disgusted by it, and rather not see it. Just my guess. Most everyone I know would have passed on this “opportunity” long ago. I hope S knows how lucky she is. I know I’ve said this before too but I really hope the cost to you (in all ways, not just financial) is even Marginally close to the return you get.

[AndrewP]

I say, let S do her own laundry however she wants but teach the boys to do their own and give them a day or an evening to do it with you so it doesn't get constantly postponed. Try to make it a fun time to teach them if you can (I know, what's fun about laundry? But mastery is always fun.)

Good plan. Fits with the chore chart concept. S can do scheduled - for everyone else.

As for the overdiagnosis of ADD - it definitely happened, mostly to energetic rambunctious boys, but it is also a real disorder. And it doesn't benefit people who really suffer from ADD to view them as lazy. Just try to give them an environment in which they can thrive and teach them how to compensate. They'll need those skills in school and in life.

I agree and actually said in my response to Andrew that ADD/ADHD is a real thing. Never said that it wasn't. But as a school teacher, I have seen plenty of students use it as an excuse to screw off. Of course if someone actually has ADD/ADHD then they are not typically lazy. My overall point there was that, if S and crew have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD there are some strategies that would likely benefit her and them in being more organized and having a better structure.

Both S and her younger set of kids have an official diagnosis and treatment plan. The school claims to be doing some accommodation but other than a couple of outstanding teachers, really did nothing.

S's younger brother also had it but back in the 1970s the normal way to deal with this was to either beat it out of you or toss you out of school. He's built himself a life and business but had a lot of struggles and also consumed a lot of the energy from their parents which S still resents.

We openly acknowledge that we all think differently, especially me vs them. And we work on ways to have that work in our favour.

Either way, I think Andrew's love for routine (which I totally get because I'm in the same boat) could benefit S and her boys, whether they have actual diagnoses or not. It is just a matter of figuring out a way to guide them without having to be all dad about it. For the record, Andrew, I'm totally not making fun of your routine thing. I'm totally here for it. I joke all the time that I would be both the easiest and most boring person in the world to stalk because I'm so routine.

Awe shucks I know it's done with affection. I probably joke about it more than anyone else.
The boys and S really like and appreciate a structure I've found. They like living within it, but can't create it. So for example one thing I've found is that they really like that when they have to be somewhere that I've got it all figured out and they just have to get in the car. No scrambling, no last minute panics. And they arrive on time and not embarrassingly late - something I hear regular grumbles about when their mother is doing the organizing.

As an aside, I was yet again impressed with the boys last night, especially S13. They loved the trampoline that they had at S's STBX's house so after talking it through and checking prices we ordered one that was delivered yesterday.

S13 helped me put it together. Physically he is about 7 so sometimes it's easy to forget that there's a 13 year old brain inside there. We worked together pretty well and followed the plan. Take all the parts out and sort them. S13 read through the instructions and guided the job, put parts into place. He helped with the bolting etc and (surprisingly to me) learned the difference between bolts, screws, flat washers, lock washers and had the fasteners all sorted and ready to install as we went around. He pointed out mistakes I made during assembly and we had a good laugh sorting those things out. I don't think he's ever been involved in anything like this before much less played a leading role. It required some patience on my part but TBH not a lot as he's a good kid and was keen. I think it also gives him a lot of pride to do things like this.

Yes, he got bored / distracted and wandered off a few times for a short while but he hung around and helped with the multi-hour job.

I was only slightly weirded when he compared me (yet again) and the trampoline to "what was". Again, I have better hygiene (a big thing for the kids for some reason) and a much bigger focus on safety and following instructions than my predecessor. All the safety pads and spring being in place and everything carefully fastened wasn't something they had experienced before.

After assembly I had the boys both test the safety netting by throwing themselves at it which I think surprised them but they wholeheartedly agreed that it was important to test this before trusting it. S18 is quite the gymnast and was doing flips and jumps all over and he and S13 I think had quite the "brother bonding" time on it last night.

----

I like to think that I'm aware enough to recognize that S has landed in a pretty cushy spot here that she would be silly to give up on. But on the other hand I believed that with B last year too. And about my ex-wife. All three are strong women with a lot of personal pride. 2 of them knowing that, walked away for their own reasons. It makes me rather less cocky.

I have a lot of learning to do on how to mesh my ways with their's and visa versa. I think that S has started making extra efforts on that part too as she has told me multiple times how much it bothers me that I never seem to stop so I think she's now actively looking for ways to make my life easier. Her attempts are generally helpful.

[kml]

Good job on the trampoline! I’m sure S13 loved being able to help assemble it and learned some useful things in the process. The fact that you are appreciated for having “better hygiene” than the ex says something, doesn’t it? I’m guessing both the boys feel a sense of relief at a real grownup being present. And I bet both the boys and S appreciate you being able to teach them “guy” stuff.

Now in all this hubbub don’t forget to speak S’s love language. What was it again?

[DnJ]

Good Morning Andrew

Well done with the trampoline. I’m sure S13 is pleased with your attention and guidance. He learnt much more than sorting screws and bolts.

S13 comparing you to your predecessors, to his “what was”, is a good thing. That’s his world view. He is finding his way in this new landscape as well. You are doing a good job.

And any Dad that actually encourages a boy to throw themselves at the safety nets to “test” them. Hey that’s pretty cool. Of course he loved it.

D

[AndrewP]

Now in all this hubbub don’t forget to speak S’s love language. What was it again?

Don't think I've ever mentioned it. Quality time and physical touch. Difficult to achieve in the present chaos and also because it's often 2:00 am before she comes to bed and I'm up by 6. Brief times sitting on the couch is the best I can do right now. And that only lasts until the rest of the zoo comes through to play video games or watch sit-coms.

---

This stuff isn't easy. Had a difficult conversation over my lunch break with S after she told me that her daughter, son-in-law and grandson would be coming for Sunday dinner every Sunday. She said that if it was a problem that her daughter would be happy to take over the kitchen and cook.

This was based on a comment I made at some point where I said that I was happy to have them over and that I enjoyed feeding people.

It took quite an effort for me to push back and say that that was just too much. Which then led down the garden path of my working too hard, being too stressed, not relaxing and watching TV with her etc etc. A discussion of the fact that I don't tend to watch TV led to a question of "what DO you want to watch". She knows that I have watched TV and own one but the fact that I don't sit in front of it most days and it actually lived in an enclosed cabinet baffles her I think. My walks - which have been much less frequent lately - aren't considered acceptable relaxation. S has a tendency in arguments to turn them back on all the other things that she has an issue with and not actually dealing with the core question.

On a good note though I did get her to agree that no more than once every 2 weeks for a larger family dinner. And that I would be more than happy to have help. Because it was already planned for this Sunday I said that that didn't need to be cancelled. It would be a rather jerk thing to do. I'm pretty unhappy about it because the dining room can't be found at present although I'm sure something will be figured out. Realistically I'd have preferred to wait for a month or two for us to settle but I can't deny her time with her own kids.

Part of the conversation had me remind her that the weekends were the ONLY time that we really have together and that losing that wasn't what I wanted. And even then, I'm usually running errands and doing things. S has said that she and the boys will start helping with getting some of my weekend load off of me.

I did point out that this was a very new environment for me and that the crowding and chaos was an awful lot. And that I could use a break from all the activity. I acknowledged that the unpacking chaos was probably going to be a thing for some time.

I don't think she understands my belief that S25 doesn't want to come by to the mess, chaos and crowd. She believes that he'll just blend right in with the rest of the kids. I've been reaching out to him for the past few weeks in different ways but no response. Today I tried an actual call - not hugely surprised that he didn't answer. He usually doesn't answer his phone. I left a voice-mail saying I'd like to get together for lunch or what-not. Fingers crossed that he'll answer.

It's his birthday coming up in a month and I did tell S that we needed to talk about it and that I didn't expect to be getting him a present. I think I got a confused "why are you asking me about this" sort of look.

We've got a loooong way to go. The end goal is worth it. The present is chaos and just needs to be walked through calmly.

PS - cardiologist appt on Monday. I expect him to not be real happy with me and to tell me to walk more.

[kml]

1) Why on earth would you not buy your son a birthday present? And please, just show up at his doorstep some evening, make sure he's ok. I can only imagine he feels pushed out and replaced.

2) Can S walk with you? Would be good for her back and would give her quality time with you. If not (I think I remember you saying her idea of a walk was much shorter than yours?) then maybe she can just join the first part.

3) Can you just sit and read with her while she watches television? Or sit with her and work on something? Or maybe pick one night a week that is "Andrew's Pick Movie Night" so she knows she can look forward to one night when you'll just snuggle and watch something with her.

4) I think every other Sunday is a fair compromise for Sunday dinners. She could always got to their place on alternate Sundays and give you some alone time if that works.

5) Is there some reason she doesn't come to bed until 2? I get that your early schedule is too early for her, and some people are natural night owls, but seems like some compromise could be made.

6) Maybe instead of television watching after you're done with work, you could work together with her to unpack and get the rooms together, one at a time, maybe starting with the dining room? Working together can be a form of quality time if you are chatting together and I think your relationship will be better once this is off of your shoulders. Or if that's not feasible, consider moving everything into a shed and having just one box come into the house at a time to unpack.

Bear in mind that she has very little to occupy her time (except unpacking which seems to overwhelm her) while you are busy on many fronts. She's not getting the kind of attention she got from you when you were dating and I'm sure that's an issue for her.

[Ginger1]

From the outside looking in it seems as if she moved in and took over and wants everyone to blend into her family and lifestyle. I’m just saying this is what it looks like from out here and may not be the case. And I would say it’s a safe bet that’s what your son sees and wants nothing to do with it. But I would make an unannounced visit to your son just to check on him.

And it is invalidation of your feelings and who you are when you find a walk relaxing but for her that doesn’t constitute you properly relaxing?!? Walks are very relaxing to some. When I was capable, high intensity workouts were relaxing to me. It’s not for anyone else to label and that’s total invalidation. It seems as she only finds the way she views things and and does things is the “right” way. It seems as if quality time is only as she views it. If you are watching TV with her. She didn’t get you don’t care what show, you just don’t like TV. Her compromise was to do what she wants, which is watch TV.

What does she compromise on for you? And I would absolutely express that it would be great if she could sort through the dining room table so you can accommodate everyone for Sunday supper. To me it almost seems to be a no brainer

Again, from the outside it looks like you are fitting into her box, only she moved her box and contents into your home.

Be honest and true to yourself. And really go check on your S.

[kml]

Ginger, I suspect she doesn't view the walks as relaxation because it's not relaxing to her and it's not quality time to her because she can't keep up. That's why I suggested she walk with him just part of the way, she will get quality time with him then and he can continue his walk without her. She may be motivated to get more fit to walk further with him in time. (One word though - for people with back problems, it's best if the walk is on flat ground, not hills.)

Andrew is a doer - a busy person who has projects and also likes to spend time making sure things are a certain way. Nothing wrong with this but S is right about one thing - it doesn't lend itself to relaxation. She may not be doing as much as she should or could to pick up the slack yet but she is seeing that Andrew is running himself ragged and is trying in her way to look after him - that's good. (I'm reminded a bit of my own marriage - I used to say my ex was constitutionally incapable of just lazing in bed on a Sunday morning drinking coffee and reading the paper. He always had to be up and doing things at a frenetic pace. One Saturday I took our daughter to ballet lessons and by the time I got back an hour later he had removed a 3/4 height wall without warning me. Of course, in retrospect I think my ex was hypomanic and Andrew isn't that.)

When she says relaxation I suspect she is also meaning Quality Time, which is in short supply for her right now. One way to feed the need for Quality Time is to stop multi-tasking. Stop whatever you are doing when she speaks to you, look directly at her and have the conversation. I learned a little too late that cooking dinner and cleaning the kitchen while conversing with my ex did not feed his need for quality time. Also, if she could somehow adjust her schedule to go to bed with you (even if she got back up later after you fell asleep) that might also result in more Quality Time.

S may also simply not have as much physical energy as Andrew due to her health problems.I think carving out dedicated scheduled time that is for her: a movie night once a week that you participate in, or a dedicated date night, or some such could go a long way towards making her feel better about things. She has a time to look forward to when you will be paying attention to, and snuggling with, her. That makes the rest of the week easier. And you, Andrew, have the time set aside for that so it won't be a constant intrusion on your scheduled things.