Finding and living compassionate indifference

[bttrfly]

so my darling, have you worked as hard to find compassion for yourself?

think about it.

also, Ho Oponopono ... it's a thing. It's real. Check it out.

Loving kindness starts by giving loving kindness to ourselves first.

We must ALWAYS source ourselves first.

I know that while I was feeling the depths you're experiencing (and I was just there *again* this past week on a brief visit, but notice the operative word: brief) I asked myself what part I played in all of this. That's the time to really focus on self care.

Guess what else I learned this weekend? Self care is healthy boundaries! Like when the lady at the farm stand wouldn't leave me alone as I was sobbing in my car on the phone with a dear friend, it was absolutely necessary for me to set a healthy boundary so I could get that grief out safely. That is a form of self care.

I know you're staying grounded but what other ways are you practicing self care? Make a list.

What are you grateful for since BD?

Again, make a list.

These suggestions are not to distract you from your grief; rather they helped me cope with it.

Hope this helps xoxoxoxo

PS the keywords for this time for me were integrity, fierce compassion, love.
the hardest part of Ho Oponopono is the last part. Thank you for the lessons of BD? what madness is this?? I can tell you there is value in an examination of the lessons of BD.

[cardinal]

Well, I had a feeling he was up to something. He just told me he's filing and he's seeing someone and he's happy. Here is our convo, maybe a bit out of order, just now:

He says he is filing soon and will let me know before I am served. I am calm. I say, okay.

I ask about mediation, and he says we should be able to come to an agreement on our own, because we have no children and we don't own our house. He says it should be straightforward.

I say, it is 50-50.

He agrees. He says we will have time to work all of this out together once he files.

I bring up the house, who is going to live here, as an issue.

He says he hadn't planned on moving, he wanted to stay, but now he guesses he will have to move.

I say yes, I'm planning on staying here.

He says, You can’t afford it.

I said, I can with support.

He says that doesn’t last forever.

I say I’m hoping to have a job in the next year.

I ask if he has a timeline in mind for moving out. He says no. We have time.

I say I'll need financial information, including all the bills he pays that I don't have access to, so that I can start to make a budget. He says he'll get me all of that.

He says he’s sorry it happened the way it did. He knew he couldn’t be happy. He says he's in a relationship now and he's happy.

I WANT TO SCREAM HERE AND SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HOW HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN D BEFORE A NEW R, but I don't. Should I have said anything here?

I do think I said something like, well, I married you, I do want you to be happy. (Trying to focus on letting him go even though I want to be angry.)

He says he was going to file before, but then Covid happened. He doesn't understand why I won't ever talk to him about anything. He says the problem with our whole relationship is that I wouldn’t communicate. (Pretty sure he said "I wouldn't" here and not we.)

I WANT TO YELL AGAIN. Because all I've been working on with my IC is how to improve communication. Multiple times in the fall before I went more NC, I was writing him notes, having little convos to just let him know I was here to talk, etc. To try to just let him know I was open to communicate. But for the first six months after BD, he was drinking all the time and partying/gone all the time.

I don't say any of this.Plus, I don't see how it's on me to communicate about D, to keep asking how that's going, when is he going to file, etc. Doesn't understand why I haven’t been talking to him. Why I wouldn’t ask him for help/things. It's like I'm scared to talk to him.

I said, I might have been a bit scared away when I tried to talk to you after Thanksgiving (because he blew up! when I tried to continue a convo about how we would move forward and work on this agreement he said we were coming to ourselves. He spewed, said he didn't have time to talk, and I said, well, let me know when you want to talk, and he left. END OF STORY.

He said he doesn’t remember it that way. He remembers I wanted to talk about working on our R (nope!). But then he says, "But I don't remember a lot of the last year because it's been stupid."

I said, he's been living his life and I’ve been giving him space. I’ve been living my life, too. I'd felt like it was up to him to move things forward with D/talking about agreement.

He says again, he is here to talk any time I want to talk.

--

This is like the calm convo he had about moving forward with D before Thanksgiving. He was apologetic and said we could talk whenever, just let him know. Every time I wanted to talk about agreement, he said he didn't have time. We scheduled the post-Thanksgiving time, and he ranted and left to go out with friends. Now he seems to be blaming me for not communicating.

I need some reassurance, if possible. I always second-guess everything I do/don't do with him. I have been feeling okay about basically leaving him alone, and now he is saying again that we can't communicate and that's why our M failed.

How do I act around him going forward? He's going to say I'm not communicating no matter what, I guess.

Plus, I am so, so angry that he's never showed any emotion about our 17 year R ending. And now he's "happy" with a new person. Like I said, I'm not entirely surprised, but it still hurts like h*ll.

Should I have said anything about how disappointed I am in him? I wanted to push back so much on how he's been AWOL for a lot of the past year and could have easily talked to me about D any time he wanted to, but I didn't. I feel like I'm keeping in so much emotion, because it would come out the way I don't want it to. It would be me arguing his version of the past year or the M and trying to get him to accept blame, and that seems pointless.

I can't ask him to leave ASAP, because we need an agreement first and I need to be receiving support. I'm planning to get the financial info from him, refine my budget to reflect it, have another L consult so I know going into talking with him exactly what I'm entitled to--like I want to have it written down.

[cardinal]

This is sort of expanding on my question above, but how happy and upbeat do I have to be acting right now? It seems exhausting to keep pretending I’m great! Don’t care that H is an alien and finally has an OW! I had lost my appetite this week, didn’t feel good yesterday, and definitely don’t feel like eating now. I know I shouldn’t go around the house crying around him, but can I just be quiet and non-jokey if he engages? Can I just be however the heck I feel like being right now in my own house? I feel like I have to be a certain amount of “normal” until we have an agreement while he seems calm and happy about OW, so it can hopefully benefit me too. But it feels so strange to act like nothing has changed, and I am unaffected. I mean... it’s not a shock, but I’m—no surprise—still grieving old H. And I’m stressed about not having health insurance once the D timeline starts ticking, plus a hundred other things.

[Gerda]

((((Cardinal)))))

If you ever have the chance to look at my first threads, and then my latest threads, it can give you some insight.

Not that it will go that way for you. I still believe restoration is possible for many people.

But just for you to see how in the early stages, we are so submissive, so unsure, still trying, still thinking that the minute-by-minute means anything.

I always wanted a script of what to say, so I will give you one, take or leave!

I understand you want to start a new life and you do not want to be married to me anymore. I don't believe that what you are doing is right or good for either of us and I do not want to split up, but I accept your choice and need space and time to heal and to be able to live my own life. Out of respect for our marriage, I cannot have you living here while you are in a relationship with someone else; you need to move out right away, even if you have to stay with friends, but you can leave your things here until next month.

I want to stay here. We can get the house appraised next month to figure out the equity and come up with a list of any other assets and debts which we can use as a credit toward my share of equity. I will be able to buy you out by next summer for whatever remains from that. In the meantime, I can pay 75% of the mortgage (100 if you can, even if you have to AirB a room, it's worth your freedom!) We can put that in an agreement now or reconvene about it next spring.

The door may be open for you down the line, but right now I need space to heal. Please respect that.

Don't doubt yourself, Cardinal! Do what you have to do to be truly alone and have peace. I promise you,it will feel better when you don't have to see him anymore. There is a reason to go dark. It won't fix him. It will help you. If you want to keep standing, keep a corner of your heart open for him. But let yourself heal.

[DnJ]

Hello cardinal

(((Hugs)))

Sorry. I know it feels terrible.

I need some reassurance, if possible. I always second-guess everything I do/don't do with him. I have been feeling okay about basically leaving him alone, and now he is saying again that we can't communicate and that's why our M failed.

cardinal, you did fine.

You didn’t blow up at him. You didn’t take the bait. You did perfect. Second-guessing is a good and normal response; shows your willingness to learn and do better when possible.

Trust me, H wanted you to get angry. He wants an excuse to do what he is doing. He wants to blame you. It’s clear as day. Even when you don’t give him a reason, he’ll make it up. Examples: the thanksgiving talk, you are the one not communicating (so not true!), the M will never work out, blah, blah, etc., etc. Pay no attention to his irrational rants.

He is projecting upon you. Most everything he says about you is actually about him. He just can’t be the one at fault, so therefore you must be. The irrational logic of a person in crisis is dizzyingly twisted in its simplistic complication. In other words it is pretty simple, but he will twist it and make it seem so complicated.

Let’s see if I can help you through this rough part of your path. If you’ll have me.

I WANT TO SCREAM HERE AND SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HOW HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN D BEFORE A NEW R, but I don't. Should I have said anything here?

Saying nothing was perfect.

That answer is going to be the same for probably all your questions of if you should have said something. And here is why (not in order of importance):

As I said, H is looking for justification to leave. He wants you to blow up at him. He can then proceed with a clearer conscience. (I find that idea a bit laughable). He can then more easily blame you. You didn’t fall for it and you didn’t give that to him. Well done!

Contrary to H’s insistence that the divorce should/will go smooth and everything can be sort out between the two of you - No! Get a lawyer. Therefore, keeping your cool with him, keeps him off balance, keeps him happier, keeps him feeling guiltier. He will be more amicable, or less confrontational, during negations. A guilty spouse usually gives a better offer. And you deserve better!

You also aren’t pushing for a divorce - he is. So you not giving any ammo is to your benefit. Let him do all the heavy lifting. You just protect yourself and your future. Ensure that you do!

And last, and most important, holding your tongue is for you! Come here, vent, scream, type in all caps if you need. Give yourself 48 hours before responding to H. And make no agreements without consultation. In time, you not blowing up at H will pay huge dividends to your emotional health and well-being.

Does H deserve you blasting him? OH YES! He sure does. However, imagine a few years from now...how do you think you’d be with that? Compassion and forgiveness is for you. Always has been. As counterintuitive as that feels right now. Continue on that path. Beliefs vs feelings.

How do I act around him going forward? He's going to say I'm not communicating no matter what, I guess.

You are strong and smart! You don’t need to act around him. Be. Be you around him. Be your values. Be your compassion. Be the woman that only a fool would leave. That is all for you. And that is - all you!

So not act. Be...behave. How do you behave around him. Your behaviour is authentic. Do as you have been doing. GAL. Roommate. Focus on you.

Plus, I am so, so angry that he's never showed any emotion about our 17 year R ending. And now he's "happy" with a new person. Like I said, I'm not entirely surprised, but it still hurts like h*ll.

Yes, it hurts.

When my XW blew up she didn’t show any regrets either.

Remember these MLCers are completely passed the point of us reaching them. They have been consumed by torment and ran to escape. Us LBS are usually deer in the headlights and get mowed down; like anyone else who gets in their way.

The MLCer has a complete loss of empathy. They cannot handle their own emotions never mind anyone else’s. So yes, no emotions about ending a long term marriage is pretty standard stuff for the crisis individual. Think of that for a bit - they throw all that away and hardly bat an eye. Wow, how far gone do you have to get to feel like that?

For your anger. Let it out. Safely. Go for a run. Sweat it out. Scream into a pillow. Whatever. Just don’t blast it towards H. Sure blasting H may feel good, but only for a while. Feel it, and let it wash over you.

Should I have said anything about how disappointed I am in him? I wanted to push back so much on how he's been AWOL for a lot of the past year and could have easily talked to me about D any time he wanted to, but I didn't. I feel like I'm keeping in so much emotion, because it would come out the way I don't want it to. It would be me arguing his version of the past year or the M and trying to get him to accept blame, and that seems pointless.

You are correct and most wise. It would be pointless.

It is aggravating, I get it. H has rewritten his history, his marriage. He is ping ponging all around emotionally and will act erratically. You trying to get him to see, will not work. His journey is about him, not you. Never was about you.

His trauma likely predates you completely. Happening when he was quite young. Remember that, when you feel like fighting with him or his truth - you are fighting that scared little boy. A boy that was abused or such by a person in a position of authority over him.

Currently, and very unfortunately, H has irrationally, unwittingly, and unknowingly, tied you to that long ago lost authority figure. He is compelled to rebel against you; which is actually rebelling against whomever was his childhood transgressor. You remaining conflict-free with him allows him to smash against your rock without any fighting from you. Eventually H will realize you haven’t done anything against him for months/years. Which then he realizes you never really did anything against him at all. So, how can you be the cause. And hopefully he awakens to what really happened, to what he buried as a child.

As I said, his path. Your path is different.

We all learn by doing. Compassion, empathy, understanding, forgiveness. Those four (and more) positive traits, beliefs, values, actions, behaviours, etc... we enact towards our spouse. We then turn those towards ourselves.

Self care is learnt. It is not something we are born with. We emulate what other good we see. We perform those acts on others. And then finally, find compassion and forgiveness for ourselves.

We are our own worst critic. Be gentle on yourself. Acknowledge and release your emotions. Find compassion for you. Forgive yourself.

The LBS’s path is an incredible opportunity. One that most people are never exposed too. And for those that are, few really fully embrace it. For what it’s worth, you are one of the few. Do stay to the path. It gets much smoother. And so very much better.

Right now you have some business side stuff to look after too.

I can't ask him to leave ASAP, because we need an agreement first and I need to be receiving support. I'm planning to get the financial info from him, refine my budget to reflect it, have another L consult so I know going into talking with him exactly what I'm entitled to--like I want to have it written down.

Good. Get legal counsel and get it written down. Be prepared. (Don’t act prepared )

By the way, of course you can ask him to leave before an agreement. It may not be in your best interest to do so (ask lawyer). I just want you to realize, you “can”. And you are deciding your actions. It’s small I know, but has big mental implication for you. You are taking charge. Things are not chaotic and out of control.

I’m not asking him to leave ASAP, because I want an agreement first and I want to be receiving support.

A few word changes, which I believe captures what you are actually doing.

Stay strong. You got this.

D

[scout12]

DnJ said it all. I'm just offering a hug (((cardinal))).

[cardinal]

Gerda, Scout, D—I can't thank you enough for being here. Whew. I think my emotions are going to be all over the place for a while. It was so hard to hold everything in while he was talking and to respond as if I didn't care much about any of it. I was just thinking, don't react impulsively and based on the terrible things you're feeling; say as little as you can! And then I had to release all of it after--here, to my mom, to my friend. I guess that is what I can keep doing--all the anger and sadness goes here and to my family, friends, IC. As far as H sees, I am indifferent and have accepted what he is doing/has decided, and it is all business. I hope that will get easier as time goes on, because it took so much out of me not so argue or react.

You are strong and smart! You don’t need to act around him. Be. Be you around him. Be your values. Be your compassion. Be the woman that only a fool would leave. That is all for you. And that is - all you!

In other words, oof, was it hard to be (and it feels hard to continue to be) my values. I want to accept, let go, be compassionate—go, H, be happy, is basically what I said when he told me about OW—but I don't feel these things right now. I guess that's why I feel I'm acting. I had to pretend to be the person I want to be and am trying to become (already moved on, confident I can't change anything and will be fine on my own), but that is not the person I am inside at the moment.

I can't remember if I already said this at some point, but I never really blew up at H after BD, so it feels like something I'm holding in sometimes still. Even during/after BD, I mostly cried and was very sad, and when I did blow up a little, it was to say I could never forgive myself, because I was really taking on all the blame he was putting on me. Like 90% of it, instead of half.

So on the one hand it is hard to imagine my never telling him how disappointed I am in him tossing our vows away or how much he has hurt me. Because I also still have that persistent yet distant worry that I am feeding one of his stories, that I never really loved him. Who even knows if he believes that anymore. I know that is the counterintuitive part. I know it doesn't matter what I do, he would find a way to reinforce his story because he has to keep running further and further from this part of his life. And I don't know how I would feel about that years later, D. I keep hoping I am doing all this for myself, so that I will have no regrets later. And there's even less point in wanting to prove anything if he's with someone else. He's really checked out. Maybe some small part of me wonders if I will regret never speaking my mind and putting half the blame back on him, even if he doesn't accept it. Maybe that is because I am still having trouble putting down all the blame myself, and I feel like I need somewhere to aim it.

When I step outside myself, I can see it's not about me, and he's repeating the pattern of not being able to stay single for any amount of time, even though he probably can't have processed much or spent much time sorting out his own feelings. If MLC, I guess he can't. He's not capable of that right now. He seems to have gone through many different selves in the last year or so, and now he's going to morph into a mirror of the OW. Maybe that's where some of his latest hobbies have come from. It's an easier solution to an identity crisis, and it has to be, I would think, a somewhat temporary one. When I step outside myself, it's not about me, so I don't care. But when I'm not able to do that, I just feel terrible and hate to imagine them together already.

I'm rambling.But I want to put this down while I feel it, because so often I get sucked back into his story, the guy standing in front of me telling me he's met someone and he's happy like this is a normal thing you tell your wife, like it's normal to dive into another R that of course won't have any communication issues, because I was the source of that! I didn't think of this in the moment when he was talking (and it's probably good I didn't!), but, um, I know he struggles with communication too, because, well, BD, right? He couldn't tell me he'd been unhappy before it got to BD, and even then, I had to pull BD out of him. Then suddenly he could communicate many resentments.

D, I always appreciate the way you break everything down for me, walk me through the basics of MLC again, and help me see things a little more clearly. I really need this kind of guidance to help me keep things in perspective. I still have trouble seeing my and H's exchanges clearly, because they happen so rarely, and my emotions also go to 11, and I spend the rest of my brainpower on staying outwardly calm.

Gerda and D, thanks for reminding me that I "can" ask him to leave. Gerda, that's how I feel--that if he's in another R, he does not belong here. In my mind and by law we are still married, but I know from his perspective that wouldn't make sense, because our M and R ended at BD. At any rate, I think I will likely get a better deal if I choose not to ask him to leave. I was at least a little relieved he was already planning to go at some point. I think it helps he now has an OW to go to, so he’s less attached to staying here.

If I look at my keeping friendly-neighbor status quo for now with H less as me pretending and more as a way to 1) hopefully help ensure a good agreement and future for me; 2) avoid giving H the anger/argument/confrontation he wants or would use to further justify his running; and 3) though it feels more difficult, as a way to continue acting with compassion and understanding and not resentment and anger because that is better in the long run for me… well, then friendly-neighbor status quo seems slightly more doable.

As for how to move forward with potential agreement-making: I will have another lawyer consult once I get financial info from H and have drafted another budget, before we even start to discuss an agreement. I already know the basics of what I am entitled to, but I want another opinion and specifics. I think it’s good to remember if we come up with a draft agreement, and then a L advises me against something in it, I am still not bound to that agreement.

If H ever tries to hurry me along or asks for an answer on something I am not ready to answer, I will say, I will get back to you. Though I think it is in my best interest to get an agreement done sooner rather than later, I will not be pressured or rushed to make decisions. I think I should also be prepared for H to go from calm, "We can talk any time," mode to angry or avoidance mode again. That's been the pattern for the last year anyway.

Anything else I need to keep in mind on the approaching agreement side of things? Maybe saying less is better here, too? I have a hard time with this, because I really have to work from saying too much and not saying what I'm thinking with H. Hence my looong posts, I guess.

I think I am maybe going through another little round of shock, and will hit grief/depression again, which I'm not looking forward to. This whole thing still sometimes feels like a long nightmare with a side of pandemic. Right now it kind of feels like, okay, I have all of these good memories of our M despite everything, and of H really being happy and telling me he loved me, and others have said they also observed his happiness, but what is the point if I am the only one with these memories now?

Also, wooba, may, what is it in the air this summer that is stirring all of these WAH up?!

[bttrfly]

100% what D said

I'm going to lay this out from a surviving divorce with as little damage as possible perspective. We will table all thoughts of standing for the purposes of this discussion. Separate the two. It's important.

You are now living with the enemy, in terms of finances. He will most likely be pleasant as long as everything goes the way he has it planned in his head, which is not necessarily going to be rational or equitable and certainly not to your best interests. Even if he's the best, most fair future exh ever in the history of the world, it cannot be in your best interests because you and you alone know what those interests are. They are based in no small part on a ruthless examination of yourself and your core values.

Take care of your finances. Think about what you want and need. Insurance is part of the divorce agreement. Having no kids is less piece to negotiate through, but you've been married 10 years. In some states the 6 before may count too, if you lived together.

Get representation. If you need to you can petition that he pays.

Remember it's his divorce, but it's your future.

You need to look at this part of the show a little differently: when it comes to negotiating your agreement, you need to be clinical and business oriented. This isn't a marriage, but a business partnership that has failed and is being dissolved. How would you proceed from a business perspective? Any and all ability to separate the marriage from the failed business will be to your advantage as you work out the details. This is critical and this is very important. I cannot stress enough that the person who looks at this as a failed business venture will come out with less financial damage.

Again, think about what you want and what you need. You want the house. What will you need to keep it? Ask an attorney if you've been married long enough to be entitled to his Social Security upon retirement. Not that you will get his, but that your amount will be based on his. I'm not sure how that works, or what the years in marriage are that qualify one - someone else can speak to this, but if he was the major breadwinner, then your amount will be based on his earnings. Another thing to ask a lawyer. This is the long term financial planning you need to do.

I'm very very sorry that this is happening.

I want to say something else: part of what you want can, and in my humble opinion should, include in your divorce planning is how you want to feel about your part in the next bit. Meaning, when you look back 5 years from now how do you want to see your behavior? Do you want to employ a scorched earth policy? Do you want to look back and say that for the majority of this time you've taken the high road and acted with fierce compassion? Is it something in between? Only you can decide. Take as much time as YOU need. Do not fold to another's timetable, his or OW. I feel this is important, Cardinal, because you have to live with yourself after this, and you want to make sure you are true to your values.

You know who you were when you met him. You know who you were as a partner/wife. You have hopefully gotten to know yourself a little better during this hellish process. Ultimately, all we really have at the end of all this, whether our marriages survive or not, is ourselves. I'm going to say that again: even for the lucky few people who get to piecing and get through all this with a new and improved marriage to their beloved spouse on the other end of this mess, ultimately, even with that relationship, all anyone really ever has is themselves, their core values, who they are. In a very real way, you are in a crucible right now, burning away everything except your core values. What are they? Write them down. Be true to them in all your dealings. I hope this makes sense to you. It's late here, and for my own reasons I'm stressed, so I'm not sure I'm conveying this as I hope to.

Once you have your core values, measure all decisions against that paradigm.

I'm sending you hugs, and strength. You've done a marvelous job, better than I did, as my Italian temper really got the better of me on more than one occasion. The toll it takes to stay as outwardly calm as you did is immense. You're not feeling well because you're internalizing all of it. If you can't eat, that's ok. But you need nutrition for your body and mind as you go through this. Smoothies are a good substitute. Try to get your veggies in that way. If you have to drink one smoothie over the course of the entire day, don't worry about it, as long as you're getting something healthy and staying hydrated also. I broke out the Nutribullet and put all my vegetables and some fruits into that to try to stay nourished, added medicinal mushroom powder and protein powder as well. Sometimes I could finish one during the course of the day, sometimes I couldn't but at least it was something healthy for my body and mind.

A word about this marvelous relationship and his happiness - it's easy to start new and get all caught up in the illusion of this new shiny bauble. But let's get real: this woman is now in a relationship with a married man. We don't know what he's told her to make her think this is a good idea. We don't know what kind of a person she is. We do know that she's a distraction from the reality of his inner turmoil and a quick fix. Those don't work. Stay the course. Focus on you and what you want and what you need. Do not allow yourself to be distracted by him and his process. This is important.

{{{{{{{Cardinal}}}}}}}

[may22]

(((CARDINAL)))

You have amazing advice on your threads, far beyond anything I can offer. What I do want to say is that you are an incredible, strong, centered, wise, compassionate, loving person. Your H is an @ss. I'm so sorry that he's behaving this way and he doesn't deserve you in a million years.

I want to give you permission to do whatever you need to do for yourself. You don't need to be upbeat or kind. if you want to be distant and quiet-- by all means. Focus now on what you need to get yourself through this crisis, lean on friends and family, talk to your L and protect yourself. The "business relationship" model has been a helpful way for me to think about D.

Don't second guess what you said or didn't say during the talk-- in my experience saying less is always better if you can manage it. So you did great.

Can you think more about your story now and what you want it to be, rather than being so tied up in his?

xoxoxoxo M thinking of you so much right now. I wish I could give you a hug and bring you something lovely to eat.

[job]

Cardinal,

I am so sorry that he's blown the ship right out of the water. Everyone has given you excellent, and I mean excellent advice. It's going to be difficult, but you must continue as you have been w/respect to treating him "nicely". I'm not saying bend over backwards, but go on about your business as if it's just another day moving forward.

I highly recommend that you contact a lawyer and get some info about what you are entitled to and what you will need in the way of info for the separation of assets. I wouldn't rely on anything that he is saying at the moment because it will change if the boat is rocked. The best thing is to strike while the iron is hot and get everything written up and in place w/a lawyer and please, do not agree to go w/the same lawyer that he has. You need your own lawyer to protect you, not him.

Do not allow him to mess w/your mind and make you think that you can't live in your home. You need to find out what your state will allow you in the way of support. Talk to a lawyer about this.

Everything now has to be treated as a business deal whereby your partner has gone off the rails. Protect yourself at all costs because he is not one bit interested in giving you what you are rightfully entitled to. If he can figure out a way to just give you a little bit in the way of funds, he will attempt to do so. His empathy chip has completely shattered and you are the only sane/rational one in the mix.

Hang in there, stay strong and trust your instincts because right now, he's being nice, but that will change if he thinks you are questioning anything he tells you or you argue w/him.