Dilly-D, wow, just getting caught up :-0 Bravo, sister!
I am so glad to read you are getting along and moving forward! Even if this new guy doesn't turn out to be anything long term, why not have some fun and enjoy yourself a bit. I know it's a very anti-DB thing to say, but I do feel that when we get to a certain point in this process that dating can be a good thing! If anything it can be fun to just meet new people, get your mind off of the ugliness of the sitch (GAL) and it is a reminder that yes, there are other people in the world that want us. Mostly, it helps with detachment. Sometimes I think I should have done more of that during my separation when I had the opportunity. lol. As long as you are honest with the other person and not leading them in any wrong direction, I don't think there is some long amount of time a person needs to wait, as it is different for each one of us.
My BFF ended a longer term R after 15 years and this man was with her and her son (5-15 year old) but they did not end up getting married. It took a few years for her to end it completely. She was hesitant to start online dating, but did with encouragement. It seems like the less expectations she had, the more light and fun she kept it. She dated/talked to several guys for about a year. The last year she ended up meeting someone that she has been with for over a year now and he is a much better match for her than her previous partner. She has some regrets about staying with him for those 15 plus years, but she doesn't think about it much now.
Sounds like your H is far from looking at his issues or working things out with you. The dog thing is strange for sure. I hope your kids don't feel replaced -- that is sad to think about. And I do hope you are keeping good records of his earnings and spending as it doesn't sound like he has been honest.
Glad to see you are moving forward and feeling good about it. I wish you the best!
Blu
Last edited by BluWave; 07/05/2010:04 PM.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thanks Alison! Well it's been 2 weeks on Tuesday since I met the Youngster (he has other nicknames with other friends but that can be his on here lol) We've spent a lot of time together though he got a job at last and it's full time so I can't see quite as much of him. He works odd days and shifts though so we will manage somehow as my life is full but fairly flexible. Husband is taking the kids away for about 10 days at the end of the month so I will probably move in for that time and he's wangling some time off to come and visit me here 'in my natural habitat' lol. The sex is frankly astonishing, and he is very tactile beyond sex, which I really like. Snogging on the beach with a bottle of wine is a lovely way to spend the day More than that though I've really become very attached to him. I think I love him although it's early days. He's very outspoken and says what's on his mind, even if it's something he thinks I might not like (but in a nice way). He's unbelievably perceptive, he's said things about me which my counsellor never worked out in 6 months. He's also very honest about his own feelings and will say if he's feeling vulnerable about something. He says he's never felt like this about anyone else, but also that if I decided to get back together with my husband then that would be ok with him, he just wants me to be happy. I think he genuinely means that, he has so much less competitiveness and ego compared with my husband it's amazing! He's looked after me very well when I've stayed over, cooking me delicious meals and buying me tiny presents even though he's currently broke. I know this is all the early stages where everything is lovely, but we feel very comfortable together and talk for hours. I hope it lasts, I can see myself living with him in the future maybe. He's very respectful of me needing to do stuff or spend time with my kids, and I look forward to being able to introduce them. I think they'd get on well together. He's the opposite of H in many ways. Very calm and laid back which is not something H ever was!!
One thing which I'm surprised at is how much I enjoy sharing bits of my life and both happy and sad memories from my past. I thought H leaving had contaminated those for good, but it turns out with someone I really care for it's lovely. I think leaving it so long before dating was a good decision. Before I started dating the idea of a new relationship felt like enormously hard work and the thought of getting to know someone new seemed exhausting. I'm enjoying every minute of it right now though!
I started the divorce stuff going ahead, the lawyer has drafted a letter and suggests I tell H before sending it. There is a lot of admin to do which is going to be time consuming and a pain but will be worth it. I am happy to go ahead with D now. I actually hope H and I can be friendly if not friends, I think it's possible if he can get over me being with someone else. He seems happier with his new puppy. I hope he finds happiness. I suspect he won't and is not capable of it, but I do wish him well. I guess that's the ultimate detachment! I hope the finances side of D will be amicable and as easy as possible.
So, that's my update. I was happy before meeting the Youngster and now I really am as happy as it is possible to be. I'd like to spend more time with him but am in a very contented place and getting on with life stuff as much as possible when I'm not with him. I actually have a bike ride planned with the bloke I dated first as we've been texting each other and we like each other as friends. He and the Youngster have a bit of banter going via me, it's quite funny. I think he's a bit jealous of me finding someone I like so much but that gives him something to aim for! It's nice to have a male friend and he makes me laugh a lot, I give him dating advice too which he usually ignores My life has improved so much in the last few months I sometimes have to pinch myself! Long may it last
Haha, easier said than done, IW! I was trying to take things slow but my new man (and maybe hormones, being honest) have had other ideas. However, my new man has been quite awkward the last few days. There are some things about him which, lovely though he is, might be too big a stumbling block to us having a future. We will see. I'm actually ok about it ending or continuing, I just refuse to make my future happiness contingent upon a relationship ever again. So I asked him to back off for a bit, if he throws a tantrum and dumps me then that would be doing me a favour as I'm not sure I could be with someone too emotionally volatile. I had that with H! Part of me worries that new man has too much in common with younger H, even though many of those qualities are positive. I'm happy either way
I also have a really nice new friendship with one bloke I met on the dating app, we went for a walk yesterday and had a great time, we text each other most days too. It's really lovely to have a male friend with no complications. We discuss our relationships and get another perspective, that is great. Nothing sexual between us!
Yesterday H came over with the new puppy. It was heartbreaking to me to see him lavish the love on the dog which he was mostly incapable of lavishing on our family. Really, truly hurtful and I spent half the day in tears before he left. I was intending to broach the topic of D but I was just too emotional to do so. I told my lawyer I will do it when H comes to pick up ds2. On our 26th anniversary. Oh, the irony. Anyway, I feel more stable now. Emotionally bruised from yesterday and from new man being overly demanding, but getting back my balance. It'll all be ok, I know it. I have faith in myself and in my future capacity to look after myself and others.
It was heartbreaking to me to see him lavish the love on the dog which he was mostly incapable of lavishing on our family
I completely feel you on this. The way my lavishes attention on our dog is heartbreaking. There were days when he barely acknowledged me (not so much as a hello or a goodbye) but he would always sit on the steps when he arrived/left and play with our dog. He also started coming around every day and taking her for long walks (apparently because he didn't trust me to do it). On days he has the children, he even brings them back here so he can take our dog for a walk. It hurt at first. All that love shown to everyone but me. I get it now though - it felt awkward for him being here, so it was easier to focus his attention on our dog than have to deal with the tension in the room. An excuse to be here. Our dog didn't stare at him with hurt accusatory eyes. She wasn't seeking explanations. She just loved him. Anyway, I don't think it is the same anymore. Coming here and taking her for a walk is habit now as opposed to him being lonely and wanting to be back in familiar surroundings. Anyway, something to think about next time you watch your H lavishing attention on his puppy. It's not about you, it's about them not knowing what to do when they are around you. A form of fidgeting, if you will.
Isn't it strange how the issues that pop up with younger men are never issues with younger women. It's such a topic of conversation ... whenever anyone approaches me on an app who is younger, the "age" thing creeps up round about the third or so message or it hangs over the entire conversation thread like a silent balloon ("this might be fun for a while, but it has no future"). Even when you take things day by day it still lingers, like a bad smell you can't shake. I was dating a 25 year old last year. We got on brilliantly, liked the same things etc. But I never introduced him to my friends, and he never introduced me to his. It was like a kind of dirty secret. In all honesty, he WAS too young.
Anyway, wanted to say thanks for stopping by my thread. I'm sorry that you were thrown the other day. But I can see that, like me, these little set backs don't really set you back for long. A little bump in the road, a quiet tear, then back to getting on with it. Stay strong Dilly.
Haha, easier said than done, IW! I was trying to take things slow but my new man (and maybe hormones, being honest) have had other ideas. However, my new man has been quite awkward the last few days. There are some things about him which, lovely though he is, might be too big a stumbling block to us having a future. We will see. I'm actually ok about it ending or continuing, I just refuse to make my future happiness contingent upon a relationship ever again. So I asked him to back off for a bit, if he throws a tantrum and dumps me then that would be doing me a favour as I'm not sure I could be with someone too emotionally volatile. I had that with H! Part of me worries that new man has too much in common with younger H, even though many of those qualities are positive. I'm happy either way
Hi dilly -
Everyone has to do what they feel is the right thing for themselves, especially after the huge amount of trauma we have all been through.
This is only from my view so take it with a grain of salt - part of the reason I am not interested in dating or meeting new people is precisely what you wrote about above. I feel I'm just done. Really and truly. I dont have the energy or the time or the patience to put on all the airs of courting or whatever that passes for these days. I'm almost 50 - I've done all that before and I did not particularly enjoy it the first time around.
Plus i know without a doubt that it would take quite a while (ATM feels like 5 years maybe even 10) before i would not project my current situation forward into any new one. I'm already distrusting people as a result of all of this - something I'm working on in IC.
That being said I know feelings do change. But for the interim I feel getting myself back is of top priority at the moment, and if someone isn't okay with that - there are lots of other fish in the sea - go for it! Lol
Anyway the reason I wrote all that is to say that you have the right to go as fast or as slow as you want. You have the control here - if buddy boy is going too fast and you're not comfortable with it, you're well within your rights to tell him to back off. After all we've all been through h3ll and do not need more drama in our lives
Hi everyone, it's been a while! I've been busy, having fun and living a great life I finished it with the Youngster as the red flags turned into massive giant red banners. Well actually I made him finish with me as I realised his ego could not cope with me ending it. He tried to backtrack and I was having none of it, then he sent me just the most outrageous, deeply unstable messages you've read. Someone can hide their trauma for a couple of weeks but after that it leaks out. He had a LOT of trauma clearly. I am so relieved it's over, and that he has backed off now. I was going to have to block him. The sex was amazing, he had so much potential, but fundamentally he wasn't able to take responsibility for himself so there was no way I was tolerating that. Had that with my H!! This bloke also wanted me to spend lots of time with me and I wasn't comfortable doing that at the expense of my kids, another big red flag... I will start another post as this will be super long otherwise!
OK, so I was quite happy staying single for a while but I owed one chap a date and 2 other decent looking men had contacted me so I thought fine, will have a few more dates since H has taken the kids away for 10 days and it'll fill the time... Date 1 queue jumped as he's going camping with his teenage kids for a few days, I liked him enough via text to meet up on Friday evening. I found him very interesting indeed although he is a bit odd! Very energetic both physically and mentally (like me!), talks fast (like me!) and is VERY enthusiastic (like me!) He's not amazingly attractive but is not unattractive and is fit (which is important), I did sleep with him and it wasn't great but he was very enthusiastic (again, lol) and it might get better, it was good enough to repeat and he did have a 34 year old as my most recent experience!! We have been texting each other a lot ever since, he sends me selfies and random stuff and has an interesting job. His marriage was 25 years long and he's been separated for 2 years so about the same as me, it's nice having similar experiences to compare though he was the one who left...I feel quite optimistic about this man, I smile whenever I think about him and am curious to find out more though not completely desperate to spend time together, it's kind of nice dating via text and his kids come first for him as well (they are 1 year younger than mine).
Date 2 was a washout, I actually didn't like him very much and although he was very clever and we had some interesting conversations it was a definite no. Phew.
Date 3 I might not go on. He is a ridiculously good looking man who got out of a 10 year relationship in February, so to my mind he probably shouldn't even be dating. He booked a table but has not contacted me since. No good vibes here but I will meet him if he doesn't cancel. I think I will date ADHD man exclusively for a while and see how it goes. He is buying a house in a month and says he hopes I like it, I think he's very keen for us to see more of each other but he also makes it clear that he has a busy life, he likes that I have a busy life, and that he's not expecting some grand romance where we move in together immediately. I think at this stage that would be just fine. Plus, he lives quite near where ds1 is going to uni and I will be going there and back every term..The date was crazy golf, which I told him I love, and was a lot of fun. I really have high hopes for this man! But if it doesn't work out it's no big deal, I will be more cautious with him after the last one even though it's not really in my nature!!
Oh, I forgot to say ADHD man has LOADS of interests, has a degree from a top notch uni (all 3 men I slept with did, maybe I am a uni snob?!) and has a great sense of humour but also texts me mundane stuff and likes when I text mundane stuff back. Having someone to share tiny moments and silly things with is important to me, so I really like that.
Anyway, back to my final installment. H has taken the kids away and I told him I would come and stay at our other house for a few days. I'm here now and it is all very odd. I think he is so messed up. The sink has 6 dirty wine glasses in it, there are 4 empty wine bottles nearby and the house is quite dirty and unkempt. He bought this flashy chest of drawers for the bedroom as there is not much clothes storage, but the drawers are so heavy they can't go upstairs! So the place looks terribly cluttered. H never throws things out and is a shopaholic who loves clothes so I just cannot see him staying here especially as there is no garden for his hyperactive dog (plus he used to get bored here when we visited before). I want to have the option to buy him out, even if I have to borrow money from my parents. I love this place so much. The weird stuff: a music exam certificate of ds1's from about 5 years ago displayed on the bookshelf, and a patchwork quilt with MUM on it and some photos of babies (are these his secret love children??!!) Quite mystifying. I went through all the drawers everywhere and found a bank account he is opening (might be the separate accounts he said we should have, though he doesn't know I know about the secret one...) And I took photos of anything which looked like it might be useful like his leaving work contract and stuff in a notebook (there was one entry in his awful handwriting suggesting he was getting a bigger payout, so I will be requesting proper evidence...). No evidence of anything to do with divorce though that could all be via email or in a spreadsheet on his computer at this stage I suppose. I won't hack into his laptop, if he leaves paperwork lying about when he knows I'm visiting that is fair game but I won't do anything unethical.
I feel a bit uncomfortable here, and also angry that he unilaterally moved into somewhere he knows I care about a lot. Will try to have fun here and forget about him though!! I really feel sorry for him, he is so messed up. I hope the kids coped with the long drive with him in his new convertible (lol, what a cliche, buying a convertible when you are having a MLC!!)
More than that though I've really become very attached to him. I think I love him although it's early days. He's very outspoken and says what's on his mind, even if it's something he thinks I might not like (but in a nice way). He's unbelievably perceptive, he's said things about me which my counsellor never worked out in 6 months. He's also very honest about his own feelings and will say if he's feeling vulnerable about something. He says he's never felt like this about anyone else, but also that if I decided to get back together with my husband then that would be ok with him, he just wants me to be happy. I think he genuinely means that, he has so much less competitiveness and ego compared with my husband it's amazing! He's looked after me very well when I've stayed over, cooking me delicious meals and buying me tiny presents even though he's currently broke. I know this is all the early stages where everything is lovely, but we feel very comfortable together and talk for hours. I hope it lasts, I can see myself living with him in the future maybe. He's very respectful of me needing to do stuff or spend time with my kids, and I look forward to being able to introduce them. I think they'd get on well together. He's the opposite of H in many ways. Very calm and laid back which is not something H ever was!!