I'm sorry he is being such a duck about the children. That is wrong and f-ed up. I know you know that, and I know you'll $uck it up and be the bigger person so that your kids have you to count on and talk to about their feelings. I guess if I try to sit in his position, it is clear that he's really screwed up right now, and it just boils up and over when he gets the slightest poke of reality.
Do you feel that you've gotten back off the roller coaster? I'm in an anxious slash resigned place right now. It feels weird and sad. My IC assigned me to do one thing just for me, to soothe myself, every day. Being present with the children doesn't count. I bought some expensive tiny shampoos and hair masks and moisturizers and took a bath. Took D8 out to dinner just the two of us and had nice wine and a splurgy meal. Didn't pick up the house when I got home even though it is a total wreck, had another glass of wine and downloaded a candy novel (thriller). I don't know if any of that would be things you would do for yourself but hoping you are doing some things just for you that can take your mind off of everything else.
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I’m off the roller coaster. But I still feel anxious because of the finances. What if he really does not give me a dime? If we were back in the states I would file for D in a heartbeat....so I’m trying to not think too much ahead or overwhelm myself with what ifs. So that’s where I’ve been feeling stuck. Like I am done with our M, but I can’t pull the trigger here because it’s not the smart move financially. Would I really have to fly somewhere in the US to establish residency first to file for D??? Ugh.
One good thing that came out of this is my new venture with a friend. Getting my brain back to work has been fun. I’m feeling the stress as a working single mom of three children, but so far it’s a good kind of stress, not the debilitating kind. Recently many people in my life has approached me about going to church, so I might try that soon too lol.
H sent me another email regarding finances, similar to the one he wrote me few weeks ago when he decided to cut off the funds.
I was shaking my head while reading it. At some parts I even wanted to laugh.
One example was that he had to make a note of him taking the kids to the mall to buy some gear (the first time in this whole year)....”I note that I took the boys out last weekend to buy shoes and backpacks and it costed me over $200 dollars..” seriously? We’re going there? Wtf is this pettiness??
There’s no point to reason with someone like this. Again, you can’t make someone see if they’re choosing to be blind.
I know H has always enjoyed being in control. I could sense he’s desperately trying to hang on to whatever he could use to feel like he could control me. I had a flashback today to one time few years ago when we had a big fight. D was mentioned by him, and at the time I was so distraught I wanted to tell my parents about it. H then warned me if I tell others about our private R problems, there would be no turning back (threatening with D). Now I’m seeing that point in life as totally f’ed up. H used my fear to keep me in check. Another time he told me that if we separate, he would no longer care about the children, because his love for the children rested on his love for me. How messed up is that?? I remember hearing that and feeling afraid for my children. He knew. He knew he could get to me more effectively through the kids.
It’s weird looking back and seeing all these huge red flags, yet at the time when it happened I had no clue. It’s also conflicting to know that I did have some good times with this man who loved me deeply, yet it’s the kind of love with a sick twist. It’s almost like Jekyll and Hyde. One side of him seemed completely selfless, and the other side is utterly selfish.
Well, enough about him. I still plan to respond with compassion and kindness in mind. Just because he is acting like an a$$ does not mean I need to stoop to his level. I need to elevate myself.....rise above this...because I can.
I want to note how far you've come (back) in the short time between the two emails... the first sparked anxiety and now you can LOL at his pettiness.
Stay strong. Let him rage and count pennies and try to control you. When I think of the lighthouse imagery, I actually don't usually think about the actual light shining. I think about the base of the lighthouse, on a rocky cliff, and the waves trying to beat away at the rocks and just washing away. You are strong and unaffected and taking steps in the right direction for you and your kids. You can be kind and compassionate when you respond, but be sure you keep *seeing* what is going on.
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Another time he told me that if we separate, he would no longer care about the children, because his love for the children rested on his love for me. How messed up is that??
That is really, really messed up. I'm so sorry. If I were you, I might find a couple examples of totally unacceptable things he's said or done that you think came from the heart-- not out of transient anger or whatever-- and hold onto those to remember when you need to. Because he will probably come by in a day or three and bring pasta salad and be extra nice to the kids and you just might be tempted to get back on that roller coaster if you don't keep your resolve up.
Do you see a fair path forward with the finances while remaining Med? And I'm glad your business is going well-- that is awesome!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I am so sorry that your H continues to be a disappointment, but good for you for getting off the rollercoaster. I know how easy it is to be tempted/cajoled into jumping back on that ride, so I have some questions for you. Whether or not you choose to reply and write out the answers here is completely up to you, but these are the things I am asking myself in a similar situation with my H:
How does H make you feel? Are you your best self around him? Do his actions affect your ability to be the best parent you can be right now? Does your interactions with him serve you or the kids? Is there enough 'pasta' in the world right now to fix the current state of affairs?
I read somewhere on this forum about someone who kept a log (maybe it was Scout) of all the positive and negative interactions/feelings she had with her H and when the list got so out of balance, she was able to use it to thrust herself into a different way of looking and feeling towards her H.
When we are vulnerable, we tend to find meaning in those minuscule interactions that contribute to our 'my side bias' and/or hope. What will it take for you to lose all hope and move on in the direction of your mighty life ahead? I get the sense (takes one to see one) that your H feels justified in his actions towards you because he thinks he has you exactly where he wants you. What can you do to shift that paradigm? You have taken some great leaps (starting your own business!!). What else will serve you in this process? Do you want to move back to the US so you can file for D and get the financial security you deserve? Or are you willing to settle for a less certain financial future for the sake of continuity for the children?
I think you are doing great, BTW. I couldn't write the statement you did about being above it all and not stooping to H's level. I am not there yet, but love to witness someone else ahead of me.
may - that's something I'm always trying to keep in mind....I want to be kind and compassionate but operate it within my boundaries. I think that's when some residual anger can be good, which then can be used to propel myself into making the tough but right choices.
Originally Posted by Sage4
How does H make you feel? Are you your best self around him? Do his actions affect your ability to be the best parent you can be right now? Does your interactions with him serve you or the kids? Is there enough 'pasta' in the world right now to fix the current state of affairs?
lol! I love how the pasta keeps getting mentioned. I know, it really threw me off. Since we don't see each other much at all right now, when we do see each other my goal is to keep it civil and friendly for the sake of children.
Originally Posted by Sage4
When we are vulnerable, we tend to find meaning in those minuscule interactions that contribute to our 'my side bias' and/or hope. What will it take for you to lose all hope and move on in the direction of your mighty life ahead?..... Do you want to move back to the US so you can file for D and get the financial security you deserve? Or are you willing to settle for a less certain financial future for the sake of continuity for the children?
The hardest part has been to come to terms with the fact that the current H is a different person. I know in this forum we talk about hope and expectations often and how those two affect us LBSes. I'm not shutting that door on hope. The old him is in there somewhere I'm sure. My love for him is still in me also, somewhere. Our history and feelings for each other cannot be erased that easily. However, I have to be aware to not let the little gestures cripple me. Because it's the big ones that count. The actions and behaviors that clearly communicate to me that he is here, he is invested. Not "I made you your favorite pasta" or "I bought you some chocolates". You are right, those interactions are minuscule. They are nice, but I am worth a lot more than the little gestures. So my weakness lies in that I am forgiving by nature, so those little things do touch me. Not that I would mistaken those as signs of his return.
With the finances - honestly with the whole covid thing, I would not want to move back to the US right now. So I'm trying to see what my options are for staying put. Few days ago H actually transferred the funds I requested of him for this month.
You are always so clear-headed, wooba! This makes so much sense:
Originally Posted by wooba
The hardest part has been to come to terms with the fact that the current H is a different person. I know in this forum we talk about hope and expectations often and how those two affect us LBSes. I'm not shutting that door on hope. The old him is in there somewhere I'm sure. My love for him is still in me also, somewhere. Our history and feelings for each other cannot be erased that easily.
It feels to me like you are writing from a place of calm and distance, as in the ability to look objectively at your situation. Do you think it helps that you have had physical distance from your H? This has also been the hardest part for me. I feel like I have shut my own door, but if I were feeling more objective I think I would say the same thing—that my love for him is probably also still in me, somewhere, that the old him is still in there somewhere. My H was just very convincing that old H is gone, old H was a lie. But, I ask myself now from a distance, if my own feelings are mutable, why take what he says as objective fact rather than emotionally-driven, well, spewing?
I totally get why you’re not in a hurry to return to the states with COVID so out of control. I absolutely believe you will be both kind and compassionate and firm in your boundaries as you move forward. I will check in here often to remind myself what that looks like.
Just wanted to chime in to show my admiration for all of you posting on this thread. Many of you seem to be in that place where you can abstract yourselves from the situation that is happening, seeing it objectively and with better perspective.
Originally Posted by wooba
The hardest part has been to come to terms with the fact that the current H is a different person. I know in this forum we talk about hope and expectations often and how those two affect us LBSes. I'm not shutting that door on hope. The old him is in there somewhere I'm sure. My love for him is still in me also, somewhere. Our history and feelings for each other cannot be erased that easily.
I have read with interest about the thoughts on the man/woman we married is still in there and the love for him/her is well sheltered. I think this same thought has hurt me a lot in the sense of creating false expectations and the way I have approached my WAW. It seems to be an honorable feeling but yet it contradicts the lessons Sandi has tried to push in my head that she is a different person and my past W is "dead". what are your thoughts on this?
As per the pettiness with financial issues I have experienced very similar things. Yet when I sat down with my L and told her the story about the house we are buying and our S, she mentioned all of that had to be included in the legal agreement. This led my W to feel it was me one who made money a big deal. Isn't is a contradiction? in the personal and spiritual side you want to raise above the wayward behavior but on the legal side you need to make a stand and protect yourself from this mess. Am I making sense? these are the things that I really struggle to process in terms of how I should behave in the situation I am.
Sorry I did not mean to bring up my sitch, just had some thoughts I wanted to share after reading your posts.I send hugs to all.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
