Nothing of significance to report today, just felt like a brief check-in. It's been a full year now since we told the kids we were separating.
Sometimes this D feels like such a cliche. Lawyers send their kids to college due to false allegations in D cases. I've always known my W was extremely determined, and true to form she is not budging on any... single... thing. I tried so many alternative paths through, so I do not feel troubled in any way that things have come to this point. It seems really pointless and wasteful but I'll make it out alive.
I spend most of my time now thinking about the present and also what I want out of life going forward. Life smacked me in the face with a solid 2x4. Maybe my MR could have been saved had I taken steps to address my issues sooner... years sooner. Maybe that would have been enough to get us through a rough patch.
Doesn't matter... I'm pretty sure in this parallel universe, I am a happier person.
One side thing that happened recently: My W and I had agreed early on to keep mutual friends out of our D. She violated our agreement egregiously recently. The friends seem a little naive, but they essentially got involved on her behalf and it's hard to believe they would be gullible enough not to realize what was going on. I'm not angry, but I'm also left wondering if I want to keep that friendship or let it fade.
Sometimes this D feels like such a cliche. Lawyers send their kids to college due to false allegations in D cases. I've always known my W was extremely determined, and true to form she is not budging on any... single... thing. I tried so many alternative paths through, so I do not feel troubled in any way that things have come to this point. It seems really pointless and wasteful but I'll make it out alive.
So long as she makes you the bad guy in her mind, she doesn't have to face what she's done and doing now. I don't know how it is in your part of the world, I've often heard by many here to "stick it to the man and get every penny" in the D. In fact I've heard that many times from my Ws friends and family when talking about others. That's the mentality out there which is just wrong IMO.
Originally Posted by Unchien
One side thing that happened recently: My W and I had agreed early on to keep mutual friends out of our D. She violated our agreement egregiously recently. The friends seem a little naive, but they essentially got involved on her behalf and it's hard to believe they would be gullible enough not to realize what was going on. I'm not angry, but I'm also left wondering if I want to keep that friendship or let it fade.
I can see why you'd be debating that friendship. The W getting them involved is unnecessary. It puts them in a awkward spot whether they know it or not. I'm glad you're keeping your head up about it.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
It's been a while since I posted on your thread. I guess it's because you seemed like you were in a good place and there wasn't much for me to add. I wanted to say thank you for the response you gave on May's thread re the manipulation that goes on re kids from our spouses when they start to feel we are trying to move forward with our lives. It was eloquently put and articulated something that I had felt for a long time but could not put my finger on.
Anyway, I wanted to say stay strong. Your advice on other people's threads are invaluable. Read through your recent posts on your own thread and ask yourself, if it were someone else's thread, what advice would you give.
Yes, this tends to happen. Life is not easy sometimes, it is full of challenges and obstacles. I've sure had a lot of 2x4s in life - some much worse than others. Those 2x4's hurt a lot - but you gain invaluable experience and become a lot tougher for it.
Originally Posted by unchien
Maybe my MR could have been saved had I taken steps to address my issues sooner... years sooner. Maybe that would have been enough to get us through a rough patch.
Marriages are 50/50. You were 100 percent responsible for 50 percent. W was 100 percent responsible for 50 percent. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself
Originally Posted by unchien
One side thing that happened recently: My W and I had agreed early on to keep mutual friends out of our D. She violated our agreement egregiously recently. The friends seem a little naive, but they essentially got involved on her behalf and it's hard to believe they would be gullible enough not to realize what was going on. I'm not angry, but I'm also left wondering if I want to keep that friendship or let it fade.
Hard to tell without context what this means, but I totally get the need for anonymity.
Believe none of what they say.
If the friends are unaware of all that is going on, I wouldn't blame them.
Thanks all. Regarding this friend situation, It is a friend of mine from college and his W. Over time, my W and his W have bonded, to the point their friendship is stronger than ours in many ways. His W has gotten involved to a level that leaves me wondering what is going on. My sense is that the whole thing is toxic and I want no part of it. My friend is likely an innocent bystander. My W is manipulative. My friend's W -- I don't know what's going on there. She's an intelligent woman.
OK screw the anonymity. My friend's W wrote a letter supporting my W's parenting, which was an attachment to legal paperwork. That's only half of it. She also involved herself in the complication of sorting out our assets.
In any case, I'm just standing back and taking my time to sort it out. My friend reached out to me last week, but I have no idea what to say so I'm leaving it for now.
From my experience during all of this (and I made a lot!! of mistakes at the early outset of my sit), the best thing to do with any friend that you would like to keep is - do not talk about your situation. At all.
It's unfortunate because you lose that dimension of the friendship, but it is the only thing that works. Especially with H' and W couple friends. They invariably will talk to each other - no matter what they may tell you. Just assume that whatever you talk to your friend about will - by degrees of separation - get back to your W.
If I want to keep a friendship (and I've kept them all) I find a polite way to divert the topic if the MR comes up.
"Yes, it's difficult but I would prefer not to talk about that right now. (Pause) Did you see the (latest news topic/sports event/social media posting? That was crazy."
"Yes I know, it's tough. But it will all work out the way it's supposed to."
OK screw the anonymity. My friend's W wrote a letter supporting my W's parenting, which was an attachment to legal paperwork. That's only half of it. She also involved herself in the complication of sorting out our assets.
Any chance your W switched teams? You are one of the very few where there is no confirmed OP.
There's a stat somewhere U, that when one woman divorces, it can be contagious with their friends. My W fit the mold and asked for D two months after her friend did. I say this because if you're close with the H, he may benefit from a 2x4 decreasing his risk of following suit.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I definitely think my W caught the D contagion from 2 friends a couple years ago.
Whether there is an OM or OW, I don't know and don't really care, although I had a recent suspicion about an OM and as is often the case where there is smoke there is fire.
Whether my W passes on the contagion, that's not my issue. I would be stunned if this particular couple D'ed, but who knows? Flip a coin, right?
