Growth is one of those things that just takes time . Unfortunately it’s not overnight and sometimes one grows away from the other . Or you grow together . I do not regret stepping off his crazy roller coaster because honestly sometimes they do need to learn on their own . He looked back often . I think I learned more about myself in the end . I have almost too much patience now . Where he says I’m oblivious to a lot . It’s not I’m oblivious I just don’t invest time into non sense .
The reward can be great. My children are way happier not watching us go to war and having both parents in the home . Overall I’m happier . I just have learned to not sweat the small stuff . The big stuff is what needs more attention . The continuation of your husband and this leech is a big thing . Sweat how you feel about that not a vacation with the kids
CG-- I'm really glad to hear you're doing well. Patience... always in short supply with me and it is one thing I've been learning through all of this. (And... I keep hearing your voice remembering when he was in this big drama over needing to break it off with her in person back in Feb... you were like that is NONSENSE.)
In terms of sweating the big stuff.. I'm really done with dealing with him and the AP. It's been actually a couple of weeks now that he's said they're out of contact. I'm just waiting for him to commit to being done for good, not just for now; tell her that; and block her/ delete her contact info so that she can't throw bombs anymore. That's what I'm asking for in order to go on this trip with him. If he can't do that... we aren't going. And I think we're done. (Though I'm not quite ready yet to be the one to pull the trigger... I have said and maintain I'm not making that decision for him. I realize that puts me in a weaker position than if I could just say F you, see you in court... but that is a line I can't yet see myself crossing.)
Anyway. Hugs to you, Caligirl... hang in there with the COVID stuff and we are all behind you. xoxo
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
What I believe you are wanting H to do (correct me if I’m wrong) is to communicate with OW and break things off for good, tell her he is blocking her/deleting her number and never wants to hear from her again (she’ll have to reach out to someone else when she is feeling depressed/suicidal). But what if he can’t do that? Not from a standpoint of living up to your expectations, but from the standpoint that his last communication with her was 1 or 2 weeks ago and he has a certain level of detachment that further communication will just open up his head/heart to more attachment? What if he is not able to deal with her feelings right now? He may just need to be focusing on his feelings and your feelings and reaching out to her would just be too much?
Hi Sage
Yes, this is what I'm asking. And I hear you. I would actually prefer he send an email just informing her what is up. I actually don't care if he just blocked her and didn't say anything... but I know that he won't block her without saying something because of the suicide threat. So, I feel like it is not possible for him to block her without saying something to her, so therefore he needs to say something to her. And in his head, at least the last time we talked about it (Sunday) he didn't think it was right to do this on text or email. I don't know if that is still where he is. Seems to me email would be peachy. But I'm trying trying trying not to dictate this. IC told me yesterday I can't coach H through this. It has to come from him. It will or it won't. Out of my hands.
Originally Posted by Sage4
If he were to delete WhatsApp, would that be enough for you? I know at one point you were concerned about her and her suicidal thoughts, but really?!? I highly doubt that she has NO ONE else in her life she could reach out to if she was truly in crisis. I mean, this woman was planning a trip with her exBF, FFS. She’s not alone in this world.
Agreed. I think she is kind of a headcase and am doubtful that she is really suicidal. IC (who is also H's IC) called her manipulative and attention seeking, and I don't think that came just from what I have told her even though she is technically supposed to be treating us like separate people. This is also a woman who HAD to contact H in May to say she was "moving on forever" which ended up meaning she was going to sleep with someone else (hahahahaha via ZOOM or whatever, this is all so sad and lame) and she felt she was betraying H in her heart to not tell him that first (even though it had been three months since he broke it off with her at that point and he'd been living with and sleeping with his wife that whole time).
And when he did reach out to her via text to check on her because of the protests near her house, her text response was that she had been experiencing a lot of trauma. It is her MO to get him back and it works every time. (The first time he broke it off with her, way before he ever told me of her existence, she reached out after a month or two because she had a tragedy in her life and no-one else to talk to, and they sparked it back up. He has said if that hadn't happened, he thinks it would have been over.)
I basically trust her zero, think she is a nut, am fairly certain he'll get some communication in a month or three that says she's suicidal and has no-one else to talk to. Honestly, writing all this out, it would be better if he didn't tell her he was blocking her so that she would just think he was ignoring her. But I really really don't think he'll do that. And I equally am thinking as I type all this out that I'm signing myself up for more whiplash since she will find a way, I'm sure, to get through to him if she really really wants to.
I mean, what I'm asking of him is tell me your intention is to never be in contact with her again, that you want to work on the MR, and put some technological support in place to ensure as best we can that she can't throw bombs anymore. I'm trying not to be prescriptive in how that happens, but I don't want it to just be "I won't contact her and if she contacts me I'll tell you first" because we tried that before and failed. I want more this time. And I really don't think I'm asking anything extraordinary. He's the one that keeps saying he wants this family trip to be a family and have fun and work on knitting back the fabric of our R, starting with the bonds of the family. OK. I'm willing to do that... but I simply cannot without her out of the picture and some security around that. Not because I want to be a b**ch or punish him. Because I simply can't.
Originally Posted by Sage4
The tough thing in your sitch is that H didn’t fly off to fairyland and explore the potential of their R, fail and then come home remorseful and begging you back. Which is fortunate on one hand, but unfortunate in that you are not going to get the fairytale return of your H. You’re going to get WF’s return, best case scenario. Where you have to suffer his indecision, witness his mental anguish IRL and wait for his slow slow slow return to your M. Are you OK with that? If so, go on this trip and trust the process (add in your boundaries as needed). If not, boot him to the curb and move on with your mighty life. The choice is yours.
Yes... I think I'm stuck here, because i am unwilling to be the one to do the final booting and have committed to doing this the harder way if it makes it easier on the children. And, TBH, reading through threads when the H does actually leave and dealing with the trauma of that... it really does seem traumatic and at a whole new level than the betrayal of the A. If it happens, then it happens and I can deal with that. I just am not able to be the one to do it on my own. So I will have a whole lot of $hit to slog through if we go in this direction. I feel like every choice $ucks. Just one-- working on the MR-- has a possible outcome of M2.0 with the father of my children, so it is worth it to give that choice my all, for now, even if that road is rocky and muddy and really, really rough.
He has a slot reserved with the IC tomorrow, and we'd talked about having it as a joint session to talk about communication. She told me yesterday that if we go on this trip, she's recommending at least two weeks, ideally four weeks, of no IC for both of us during this trip. That we need time to reconnect without the third party IC in the picture either. I think tonight i need to ask him what he wants to do and make sure she told him this too so we are all on the same page.
He was sitting next to me on the couch and what I think was a WhatsApp message was open on his phone. He closed it out and I didn't stare too much but I think it was WhatsApp. It occurred to me that maybe he's doing this via message, or setting up a call, or something. We will see. One of our hotels called today to cancel-- they're closing down, not enough traffic due to COVID. I heard him on the phone and a big part of me thought... this is a sign. A sign to cancel the trip. I didn't say anything, though. An hour later he'd researched and found another hotel and brought it to me to consider. I said OK and bit my lip on the BUT HAVE YOU DONE WHAT I HAVE ASKED??? I think trusting that he will (though I do need proof before we start packing!) is where I need to be right now. I did tell work I was taking some time.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Last edited by job; 07/26/2001:41 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
