Can I assume that you saw this on his calendar? If so, I wouldn't say one word to him about it at this time. Why do I say this? Since he knows that you can see his calendar, he may have just put that out there to get you to break your NC w/him. If this is an actual appointment, allow him to come to you and tell you that he's met w/an attorney. It's time that you allow him to take a lead in this particular dance. You've done all of the work and worrying, give the man a chance to contact you about this one particular item. In the meantime, I would still get my ducks in a row and be ready for when he does contact you.
This is an excellence point --- along with LH
Yes, it was the shared calendar where I saw this and it was very vague - Teleconference. He would normally write down a name or something but he did not because I'm sure he would think I would look up any local attorney. I of course would never let him know I saw this.
He clearly tipped his hand 2 weeks ago when he admitted to seeing my calendar. So he is working under the assumption that I can also see his.
You've just kept me from making a huge mistake - I was thinking about contacting and meeting up to discuss moving forward with removal of names from accts, etc and where he stands with what he wants to do next.
The only reason I would contact is because when he last opened up he was angry that I had still not done as he had asked about the account --- not doing it is not listening to him right?
I'm stressed because this is a lack of control on my part. If I am afraid, which is what control is... what am I afraid of??? I'm afraid of the unknown, I'm afraid of disappointing him/giving him more reasons why this doesn't work, afraid of making more mistakes, afraid of him being gone for good. <<< that is some soul searching.
Write on here what you would say to him and I will give you his most likely response.
H- Can we talk about how things are going to be moving forward?
((((I know I cannot say - is this still our only option in moving forward?))))
Part of me feels like if he just had access to the money he wouldn't be pushing anything else at this time.
So you are considering giving him access to the money thinking it would delay and/or stop the D?
KC, you really need to get over your fear of D. Can it really be worse than having your H lie and cheat on you, then move out to be with the OW he is lying and cheating with? It is a legal procedure. If he ever wants to R with you it won't be hindered by the fact that you are D. No WAS that after D has considered Ring has said "Oh, I'd like to R with my LBS but darn it, we are D'd now." Trust me, if he ever wants to R being D'd will not stop him from trying. You being remarried. No obstacle will prevent him from trying to R! Not even if he is remarried himself. After all, he's already proven to be a lying cheater.
Last edited by Steve85; 07/06/2005:44 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You've just kept me from making a huge mistake - I was thinking about contacting and meeting up to discuss moving forward with removal of names from accts, etc and where he stands with what he wants to do next.
"Illusion of action" I need to do something!
Originally Posted by KitCat
The only reason I would contact is because when he last opened up he was angry that I had still not done as he had asked about the account --- not doing it is not listening to him right?
NO! That's not it at all.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm stressed because this is a lack of control on my part.
Ahhh. You are being honest with yourself KK. That's rare for you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
If I am afraid, which is what control is... what am I afraid of??? I'm afraid of the unknown, I'm afraid of disappointing him/giving him more reasons why this doesn't work, afraid of making more mistakes, afraid of him being gone for good.
This is normal KK. The difference is not acting on it. 90% of the things we worry about never happen.
If you guys are both fair people you should be able to come to an agreement with little problem.
I wouldn't call breaking NC over this "stupid/foolish", maybe "rash/impulsive". I believe your intellectual side knows NC is best, and it's your emotional side that keeps you touching the stove.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I would not try to talk him out of it - I know that wasted time.
Good.
Originally Posted by KitCat
But, maybe we should have a talk about the next step forward?
If he's smart, the next step is he meets his attorney and follows their advice.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Having him confirm he has Atty
Why must you know now? You'll know within days of him having an active attorney when you're served.
Originally Posted by KitCat
and while still trying to be amicable we let them handle it
Controlling! You control if you're amicable and if you let your attorney handle the divorce. He controls if he's amicable and if he lets his attorney handle the divorce.
thoughts on what we each want out of this as far as D???
Had to post in 2 parts. Website is glitchy today!
Asset division is mostly determined by formulas and laws about which monies belong to whom, but if you have any particular concerns, tell your attorney. They are YOUR professional negotiator. You also may, as LH hinted, after you are served and there's a draft on the table being discussed handle a bit of the negotiations offline to save $$$ if there are too many back-and-forth cycles but you are making progress.
So you are considering giving him access to the money thinking it would delay and/or stop the D?
I am still following my atty's advice.
But, I feel that if he had those funds he might not be pursuing anything else at this time. I think he desperately needs cash/funds and feels these are 100% his. I think he burned through his half of the emergency fund that was divided months ago.
As for D... I've managed to deal with a lot of crap thrown my direction but to me D is final. He had some weird thing he talked about shortly after BD that his friends were telling him its possible that we could get back together after D since we don't hate each other... it was weird but I'm like if you can't sit down and work through this with me now I would never trust that you would put in the work needed to commit to being remarried.
I walk when D is final.
I suppose that is why I've put undue pressure on myself and him to find a resolution before that step - stupid I know. I can look back and see that I should have just left him alone and stopped taking his calls some time ago.
But, I feel that if he had those funds he might not be pursuing anything else at this time. I think he desperately needs cash/funds and feels these are 100% his. I think he burned through his half of the emergency fund that was divided months ago.
Mindreading. More then likely his GF is putting pressure on him to get D finalized.
Originally Posted by KitCat
As for D... I've managed to deal with a lot of crap thrown my direction but to me D is final. He had some weird thing he talked about shortly after BD that his friends were telling him its possible that we could get back together after D since we don't hate each other... it was weird but I'm like if you can't sit down and work through this with me now I would never trust that you would put in the work needed to commit to being remarried.
Every LBS has a friend who has said these exact words.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I walk when D is final.
Not sure I am buying it.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I suppose that is why I've put undue pressure on myself and him to find a resolution before that step - stupid I know. I can look back and see that I should have just left him alone and stopped taking his calls some time ago.
The only reason I would contact is because when he last opened up he was angry that I had still not done as he had asked about the account --- not doing it is not listening to him right?
NO! That's not it at all.
Not sure what you mean here?
Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm stressed because this is a lack of control on my part.
Ahhh. You are being honest with yourself KK. That's rare for you.
I've been driven into action by anxiety so I've really tried to make myself sit and think about my reaction and why (or coming here when I'm not sure) SURPRISE!!! I have been working on myself... LOL
Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
If I am afraid, which is what control is... what am I afraid of??? I'm afraid of the unknown, I'm afraid of disappointing him/giving him more reasons why this doesn't work, afraid of making more mistakes, afraid of him being gone for good.
This is normal KK. The difference is not acting on it. 90% of the things we worry about never happen.
If you guys are both fair people you should be able to come to an agreement with little problem.
I'm trying to realize where my feelings of control come from. It hurts because I can look back in my M where I thought I was just doing the nice thing... clearly my H would be upset with me and ask me to stop... but did I? WHY? Because I thought I knew better than him??? NO - my H is a smart intelligent man why did I keep doing something he didn't want me to do??? Because I knew better??? OMG... I can't believe how I disrespected my H. No wonder he was suffering and wanted out.
Of course this is all too late to him... and what hurts is how I see it all now. Perhaps if I had remained ignorant I wouldn't be in so much pain... the pain of just wishing he cared enough to see I get it now.
For the longest time he was adamant about not wanting to screw me over but who knows where he is at if he is angry that he has to go get an atty. But, your right. There is no sense worrying about it now since there is nothing I can do about it.
For the longest time he was adamant about not wanting to screw me over but who knows where he is at if he is angry that he has to go get an atty. But, your right. There is no sense worrying about it now since there is nothing I can do about it.
I always read his claims to not want to screw you over as attempts to manipulate you rather than genuine, especially since they were often accompanied by requests to do something against your attorney's advice such as release funds or get access to his motorcycle without an appraisal in advance.
You're right--you don't know what he's feeling. My guess is you are correct he's in a hurry to unlock his funds or appease his GF--and if he's in a hurry your attorney will figure that out and it may give you additional leverage. Whatever he's feeling, he may not be feeling in two weeks.
