I like the idea of you making new friends, setting boundaries, having some fun, and finding out what you want as a single woman. Who cares how long it takes for your H to come out of whatever fog he is in, start telling the truth, and decide that he wants you? That might or might not happen. Perhaps he's setting boundaries of his own and keeping his private life private, as you are towards him. I don't know.
I have been busy. A few more dates, plenty of chatting to people via text. It's been interesting and sometimes a lot of fun. I do seem to have made new friends out of this, which is nice. And I have some fantastically funny stories which I share with my friends, dating can be hilarious. I don't think I want a relationship right now, getting lots more social contact now lockdown is mostly over has been enough to quell the loneliness. I think I do fancy some more sex though, just got to find someone suitable and not break their heart in the process.
My sons seem to be doing pretty well, ds2 is back to school one day a week which is good for him, and he's started doing school work and has finally met up with friends. Ds1 is working a bit more now, which is good. I've had some nice times with them recently, particularly when ds1 went to visit his dad and it was just me and ds2.
We went to see H for father's day. He was quite miserable and at one point really lost his temper when I pointed out something he said which was incorrect, it was quite amusing actually. He told me he's getting a dog. The exact same type he had as a teen and which his mum got rid of when she had her affairs and moved them around and then abandoned them. How very symbolic. When he told the kids about the dog there was complete radio silence from them. You could almost see everyone thinking 'you're replacing your family with a DOG?' I think it's incredibly selfish of him to get a dog and then to go off travelling for a while, but selfishness is his modus operandus right now. Maybe a dog might help him to heal some of his abandonment issues. It probably won't fix him though, any more than wine has or his probably A did. At some stage he has to look internally, surely? I was also pretty angry with him for moving ALL his crap into our other house. It feels cramped and cluttered now, and I put a lot of effort into keeping it clear and clean. He hasn't cleaned the place in months. He seems to be settled there for a while, talked about not working this calendar this year and never going back to work in an office in town again. Hey ho. A judge might have different opinions. His payout seems to be inching ever so much closer. I do need to get my divorce ducks in a row. I have no plans to replace H any time soon with a better model but best to be prepared for the future. H might never fix himself enough to come back, and even if he started now it would be years of work which I doubt he's capable of. It's sad, I felt very sad as well as angry when I saw him on Sunday. He missed out on so much by being such a crap dad and husband. I feel sorry for him. Anyway, just getting on with my life, going for plenty of walks and runs and meeting new people and seeing my friends and having fun and enjoying the summer and trying to squeeze a bit of job hunting in. Life is pretty good all in all.
I have again given up on the dating sites (i'm still on it and I get a couple of 'hi's' each day) but I can't be bothered to be honest. I seriously fear that I will never really be interested again.
Re the dog. You're reading too much into it. He wants a dog. Let him have a dog. It might help heal his abandonment issues, it might not. It might make him feel less alone, it might not. He might be (unconsciously) trying to replace his family or he could just want some company in the evening and someone who is happy to great him when he gets home.
What's the situation with your second home? Was it a rental that he has decided to live in or is it a second home that you would use for holidays. Sorry if a bit intrusive, just trying to understand ...
FS: I can understand why people go through phases of online dating, it is pretty tiring and you have to kiss a LOT of frogs! I also wonder if I will ever want a R again, but I think we just need to keep healing after our long marriages and eventually we will be open to someone new. That's what I think and what I've seen happen to friends too.
The dog I am definitely not reading too much into! And part of me thinks that he believes his family didn't love him unconditionally enough so he's getting a dog to do that. I do hope it helps him, I really do. It is definitely no coincidence though that he's getting the exact same type of dog that he was devastated about his mum getting rid of during her MLC. The dog seems all part of his MLC, and I don't think it's particularly fair to drag either an animal or a human into your MLC. We'll see. It's not really my business. Other than this type of dog needs about 4 hours exercise a day and destroys houses if left alone too long. The second home was exactly that, somewhere to spend weekends and school holidays. I am really attached to the place, I often used to go there for a few days just by myself or occasionally with a friend as well as with the family. I went probably once a fortnight or so, and I really do miss both the place and the house. I'm angry that he's taken it over. Knowing him though he won't stay there for that long. He will say that it's 'not big enough' because he will have filled it with all his crap that he never whittles down, and then he'll move elsewhere. Part of my long game is talking to my solicitor about me possibly buying it in the future if I can afford to. He's hunkering down there now but won't want to live there forever, if I know him at all. Talking of H's stuff, I have been getting rid of more of H's stuff now that textile banks and charity shops are open again. Another boot full of his clothes and shoes and probably a few more to go. I already got rid of lots of his stuff before but the house is full of it. This really is a man who is addicted to getting new things and then ignoring them but never getting rid of them. I should have thought more of that when he first left, that he would do the same with his family...
Yeah, it's just a dog. You only need to get shocked or upset about him replacing his family with a dog if that's the story you tell yourself - and endorse your kids telling themselves. Good dads in family homes get dogs too.
All your dating adventures make me a bit envious. I'd quite like some fun and wining and dining too - though it sounds also a bit too much like hard work! I don't think I've dressed in anything other than my scruff bag outfits for three months or more...
It's your (family) holiday home and he's unilaterally taken it over. I guess my comment would be let him and try not to let it bother you. Avoid going to visit if you have to because I know it's tough being there (and you feel emotionally attached to the house) and have him 'living' there. It will be all sorted as part of the financial settlement (if it gets to that).
Not the same thing, but every time I go to my H's flat (not been there in a long time, and probably less than 10 times since he moved out) I consciously make an effort NOT to look around. Eyes straight forward, back straight. Stand close to the front door and stay as short a time as possible. This is because my eyes will always fixate on something that I bought and he took when he left without asking - whether it be a picture frame (with the picture of us removed, replaced by a picture of him and the girls/just the girls), a cooking pot / set of glasses. It winds me up seeing things which I see as mine in his flat even though I probably hadn't even noticed he'd taken it.
Yes, FS, it was mostly the fact that he just did it without even telling me. Moved all his crap out of his rental place and into my home without so much as the courtesy of letting me know. His selfishness recently has been absolute. Something quite dramatic happened the other day concerning the kids (it's all fine, but it was me who had to deal with it) and I was so upset about that and some similar stressful stuff it triggered from about 5 years ago that I cried down the phone at H. He pretty much ignored me and then did not follow up the next day to see if anything had been resolved from the incident. You'd treat a work colleague better than that. Oh well, I should know better than to even bother telling him stuff like that, even if it does involve the kids. I will prepare myself mentally for saying goodbye to my other house, I'll miss it much more than my H...Actually he took a speaker the other day from this house (I don't use it) but you would think that courtesy would dictate saying something like 'just taking this' instead of sneaking it out of the house! Pathetic. I'm pretty sure he has finally finished his job, we need to discuss finances. Might trigger D talk, who knows.
Dating stuff has gone a bit quiet again, it goes in fits and starts. There is no wining or dining yet Alison, nothing is open Covid doesn't stop men asking for sex though, lol, even a threesome request yesterday. I'm treating it as a bit of light entertainment right now, properly suitable men are hard to find and it's a numbers gae. I've been going out running and walking with friends and doing more walks with groups, it's a lovely way to chat to people and enjoy the outdoors on long evenings. I never would have done this in the past, I would have had to wait for a grumpy miserable husband to get home late (maybe, he was often out 3+ nights with work), complain he didn't like whatever I had made for dinner and then he'd get a takeaway and then go to bed at 9pm after watching an hour of sport on tv (I hate sport). I do not miss any aspect of that bit of marriage! Dressing up for dates is fun after months of slobbing round the house, Alison! Hopefully I will find someone half decent to go out with by the time places are properly open to go out to And if I haven't, then I will just join more groups and find new friends to do stuff with
Haha - I remember your early posts where you were desperately missing sex and thought you'd never have it ever again.
My H took my old laptop (without asking) a couple of months after he MO (he snuck it out on one of his foraging trips to the house). I bought that laptop from my company account. It is very much my laptop and not a marital asset. But it didn't work (something wrong with the battery) and it hasn't been turned on in years so I just shrugged my shoulders and let it go. I had completely forgotten, but just after lock down the laptio reappeared as found on my "devices list" in icloud. Not only was it "found" but it is now called "[H full name] macbook pro" (though location services has been turned off). Not going to lie, I felt a little surge of anger rise up when I saw it. The laptop hasn't worked in years, I don't need it, I don't want it. But I still felt resentment that he had taken it and is using it.
I found something similar with the online dating app I used last year where the conversation would suddenly turn sexual after 2 or 3 messages (if not on the first message). I spent so long filtering out the rubbish that I ended up turning it off again. I decided to use a different app and put on my profile not to bother contacting me if they were only interested in a casual hookup so my experience this time round has been a little different. It was still a lot of admin so I turned the profile to invisible as couldn't be bothered. I did start talking to one chap who I am meeting on Sunday (we are going for a suitably social distanced walk in the park).
Well, how quickly life can change after long periods of inactivity! So much for me saying I didn't want a new relationship. Last Saturday I matched with a chap on a dating app. Exchanged a few pleasantries and it didn't go anywhere. I lined up 2 more dates with other men. Saturday night he messages me something a bit silly and inappropriate and I kind of laughed it off. Then next morning I messaged him just to check if he was only after kinky sex in which case he could look elsewhere. He apologised and said he'd been a bit tipsy and we got chatting.
Long story short we spent 2 days texting each other, then I went to visit him and we basically went straight to bed and stayed there most of the day. Plenty more texting the next day and yesterday I spent the day with him again. Mostly but not all in bed (funny to think I felt like I'd never have sex again, lol). I've known him 5 days and I am incredibly attracted to him physically (obviously) but also very fond of him. We laugh a lot and he is highly intelligent and well educated. He's not entirely suitable as he's currently unemployed and hasn't had a great career history (some mental health issues in the past I think but he seems fairly sorted now). But I'm financially independent so that doesn't matter much to me. He offered to pay my petrol money yesterday so he is clearly not a gold digger! He is very sweet, very laidback, very thoughtful, likes the same music as me and has lived a lot of life despite being much younger (13 years!) He seems equally keen on me...And despite his age he has never wanted kids, so that is not an issue.
So I don't know how it will be after the initial lust phase wears off, but we get on fantastically well and make each other laugh a lot, our senses of humour match as much as our bodies. So, watch this space for further developments. I'm trying hard not to rush things too much (she says, after basically meeting him and jumping into bed with him, lol, he says I'm a brazen hussy :))
I told the divorce lawyer I want to go ahead and move towards D. Will work out what questions to ask him over the weekend for a call next week. September seems the most obvious time since that is 2 years separated. I feel much kinder towards H now I have found someone new. In a funny way my new man reminds me of H when we first started going out at 19. He has a sweet playfulness which I love (I am quite playful myself) but H lost it over the years, buried under alcoholism and workaholism and his childhood abandonment issues. I feel compassion for him. I hope he is happy in the future. I think I won't be in it. He is taking the kids away on holiday in August and I plan to take them away somewhere else in August. I think he's telling his family about our separation (they are obviously not close, lol) I don't know how H will take me asking for D but hopefully well. I would like to be amicable about it. I might give him a few weeks to unwind after finishing work and getting his dog before broaching it. I think we could actually stay friendly, if not friends, in future. Certainly we both have the kids' best interests in mind, he was a rubbish dad but he's not an unkind one.
It is so lovely to know that you are having fun and getting plenty of shagging and laughter and that the idea of moving on isn't so scary any more. You deserve all the good things.
Covid doesn't stop men asking for sex though, lol, even a threesome request yesterday. I'm treating it as a bit of light entertainment right now, properly suitable men are hard to find and it's a numbers gae. I've been going out running and walking with friends and doing more walks with groups, it's a lovely way to chat to people and enjoy the outdoors on long evenings. I never would have done this in the past, I would have had to wait for a grumpy miserable husband to get home late (maybe, he was often out 3+ nights with work), complain he didn't like whatever I had made for dinner and then he'd get a takeaway and then go to bed at 9pm after watching an hour of sport on tv (I hate sport). I do not miss any aspect of that bit of marriage! Dressing up for dates is fun after months of slobbing round the house, Alison! Hopefully I will find someone half decent to go out with by the time places are properly open to go out to