Through the World Barefooted -- Gerda's LBS Guide

[Gerda]

[quote=DnJ]
Dnj makes me feel peace and you make me feel hope...hope for ME. Your post on my site after my return really helped to pull me out of an emotional slump. Thank you for that.

Thank you so much for saying that (and everything else you said), Kindly. It is astonishing to think that I could bring someone hope! And I think you have pinpointed quite exactly the driving forces for me and DnJ. We are like two good parents with different focus points so you can go to the one you need that day. : ) Not that I don't want peace and not that he doesn't bring hope. But I am often an anxiety-ridden ball of tears and yet always always I have hope and have my eye on the light. DnJ's remarkable level of peace is something to behold but when DnJ describes his least peaceful battles, I feel a lot of comfort in that. It reminds me that peace is a grace, and that we can still be walking in the light even if we don't have peace yet.

[Gerda]

I agree your H’s behaviour of litigation and running is weird. He is very much still running. I do wonder when/if he will tire.

It is nice to read your standing at an emotional precipice, looking, considering, planning, to let go of something.

...

You stand atop the precipice, looking out, what do you need to let float away, to bring that fulfilling imagination to fruition.

You are strong, confident, and secure. Let go. You won’t fall.

D

OK but what I really want is for you to show up in your green cape and workpants and workboots and beat the crap out of H and his lawyer. Would that also be possible? That's something I could fall confidently into. : )

Here's the thing I have been noticing. It's the court stuff and the messages from lawyers and brokers. I have been writing my papers for the next stupid pointless conference of H trying to get out of even the crappy stipulation he forced me to stick to before Covid, and everything I write in it is so true and clear and obvious. And yet I know that my particular judge, the one who won't let us move on to trial for some reason -- is very likely to just scream at me as much as she screams at him and that she might do something that will force me to file an appeal.

And yet, what is scary about that? Why does it make me feel like someone is coming to kill me? I have my confidence back in every other way, I mean at least as much as I think is possible for me waking back up into the world when my body is starting to sag, fade, wrinkle and get veiny -- but when I see a note from the lawyer or a message from court, my entire being turns into the flight impulse and waves of despair consume me for a whole day. I am talking even about something like his lawyer's secretary sending me a request to e-file, which I ignore and won't do, but just even that starts the cycle. I reach the point of strength and power eventually but my entire being is longing with far too much energy for the end of this nightmare, so I don't have to deal with them anymore ever.

The stipulation I signed says I have the right to buy him out of our city place if he doesn't get an offer by June 1. He has to have it reappraised and I get to buy him out at that price. Before Covid, I had started an application to refinance so I could do that. But now I can't do it until things go back to normal as my rental income is too low. So I have to battle for the judge to enforce the stipulation and also give me a reasonable amount of time to come up with the refinance, which at this point means at least a year.

I know that no matter what, this is what I want. Because even if I have to sell the place next month, I have to do it without H and his broker. You cannot believe the nefarious things they have done,the lying and the false documents. So I just want to be free of them even if I have to sell the place right away. Meanwhile H refused to do the appraisal and filed a motion to take away all my rights to buy him out and allow him to continue marketing my home without my participation or representation and to continue to not pay child support and also to cover all his legal bills. We have about 1/4 of our usual rental income and I now have no lawyer at all, but he is still doing this, and his lawyer continues to work without getting paid, thinking he will have his pot of gold at the end.

There is a lot I am leaving out here but I am just trying to say that I have the same depths of anxiety and fear, wake up almost sick with it, but it's all compartmentalized. I have total detachment from H, no feelings of missing him or loving him or any of that, but I am terrified of anything related to the D. None of them know that, I look very tough to them. But I hate feeling that way and letting it cloud my mind, I hate how much time it [censored] from my life and my work and my mood with my kids -- and every fiber of my being longs for freedom from this horror, just to live on my own, no longer tied to this disgusting process and his fangs in my leg, not letting me go.

P.S. Noticed that the platform edited out a verb above as a censored verb but I was using it literally, the thing one does with a straw!

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

OK but what I really want is for you to show up in your green cape and workpants and workboots and beat the crap out of H and his lawyer. Would that also be possible? That's something I could fall confidently into.

LOL!

Boots, pants, and a cape. Gosh, I’d be half naked. I’d need a hard hat, eye protection, hearing protection, work gloves,... (hee hee)

Here's the thing I have been noticing. It's the court stuff and the messages from lawyers and brokers. I have been writing my papers for the next stupid pointless conference of H trying to get out of even the crappy stipulation he forced me to stick to before Covid, and everything I write in it is so true and clear and obvious. And yet I know that my particular judge, the one who won't let us move on to trial for some reason -- is very likely to just scream at me as much as she screams at him and that she might do something that will force me to file an appeal.

And yet, what is scary about that? Why does it make me feel like someone is coming to kill me?

Because you view(ed) your marriage as your life.

The death of your marriage triggers the same emotional responses as someone trying to kill you.

Uncouple that.

This is business now. That’s all. Just money.

There is a lot I am leaving out here but I am just trying to say that I have the same depths of anxiety and fear, wake up almost sick with it, but it's all compartmentalized. I have total detachment from H, no feelings of missing him or loving him or any of that, but I am terrified of anything related to the D. None of them know that, I look very tough to them. But I hate feeling that way and letting it cloud my mind, I hate how much time it [censored] from my life and my work and my mood with my kids -- and every fiber of my being longs for freedom from this horror, just to live on my own, no longer tied to this disgusting process and his fangs in my leg, not letting me go.

Fear is insidious and pervasive. Darkly it spreads, asserting its rule upon your life.

I do empathize and understand. (((Gerda)))

Let go the hate and the horror.

It’s business now. Stopping letting it svck time away from you and your kids, your life, your mood.

I am sorry you need to apply for a delay on the stipulation. It’s unfortunate your rental income is down and a projected one year extension is the necessary recourse.

The June 1st deadline has come and passed without an offer. H did not get it reappraised, and you do not have the funding anyhow. It is a narrow view to think that the court will hold H to his part and grant you an extension. You need to consider putting forth a continuance with both sides taken into context.

Propose everything remains as is, until June 1 2021. You get time to get your funding. H has ample time to sell, at his grossly inflated price, or reappraise in a post-Covid world.

You see how much H is attempting to worm his way out. All you are asking for is one little digit change 2020 to 2021. Not to reopen the entire mess. Keep it framed like that. It’s good and fair for both parties.

I know that no matter what, this is what I want. Because even if I have to sell the place next month, I have to do it without H and his broker. You cannot believe the nefarious things they have done,the lying and the false documents. So I just want to be free of them even if I have to sell the place right away.

I do understand the injustice of it all. You have endured much from H and his league of lawyers, brokers, and so on. It sure would feel good to win and strike back.

Do you want to be correct or be happy?

By the way these are not mutually exclusive. It’s just that our correctness usually is in a form of showing our spouse (and their L, and the courts, and so on) how incorrect they all are. That doesn’t sound very happy does it.

Selling a place the very next month, sounds to be in the realm of feeling not knowing. I also do not have all the facts which does present me a limited view. Please take it with a grain of salt. Know, I support you Gerda!

These are just some thoughts and beliefs from a caring non-lawyer friend. The non-lawyer part is a caveat for the legal opinions I expressed. (Ha, sounds lawyer-like)

Now where is my shirt...

I sat down for a Nanaimo bar...

Next thing I know I feel a breeze...

Take care my friend.

D

[Gerda]

Propose everything remains as is, until June 1 2021. You get time to get your funding. H has ample time to sell, at his grossly inflated price, or reappraise in a post-Covid world.

D

Oh my gosh, I think I left too much out if you think THAT! My strategy is based on upholding the stip exactly as is. It doesn't say anything about how the buy out will happen, how long it will take, etc. It was horribly vague, which is why I was trying to get out of it to begin with. I paid a lawyer to look it over and she said it was horribly written and vague in every way except the clause relating to the buy out -- crystal clear that after June 1, I have the right to buy him out at appraised value. Even if he gets an offer for a billion dollars. And that the judge would have to give me a reasonable amount of time to do that, and that reasonable is right now based on the covid reality. She said it was so clear that I should appeal if the judge doesn't uphold it.

I agree that the divorce is just about business. But this is one crazy a$$ business partner. I have not been posting about all that has been happening in a specific way. It is brutal. That is why I wanted you to come and beat the crap out of the players in his drama. Lying, false documents, bullying, threats and endless harrassment from his broker. All to avoid using an appraisal to determine equity, instead of a third party offer. Via stip, I am not allowed to have any representation and my no matter how much I cooperate, they file for contempt or threaten me, etc. No child support, no help with mortgage. And now we have the covid problem of them trying to bring people in and out of my place, putting my family and my renters at real risk. And the drama about the sign continued and reached a fever pitch, my son kept taking it down and getting more and more agitated because his dad had encouraged him to take it down -- and finally my son who had been doing so well exploded -- wrecked my house, disappeared for 12 hours, wrecked the sign, etc. Around here many people sell without a sign on the house and my son knows that. Not to mention that the market is down and the city has been shut down and empty so a sign is almost pointless. My son is smart. He knows his dad is just putting up that sign to try to control things or humiliate us or whatever he is trying to do. Because HIS BROKER HAS NEVER LISTED THE PROPERTY. I check on line every couple days. And the judge did too, her court attorney told us that in May. He has turned in many fake offers. He has some very weird plan up his sleeve, I don't know what it could be, but he is not trying to market this house for real.

I might have to sell the house very soon if I don't get the bank to modify my mortgage. If that happens, I just want to be able to have a real broker who represents me and works with me and the reality of the market and Covid, etc. And if I do get the bank to work with me and modify the mortgage, then I want to create a buy-out plan that gives him a down payment now and the rest in a year so that I can be free free free! I don't care if I lose some money or get a deal that isn't perfect. I just want to be done with this endless divorce!

So I don't know about your theory about my fear. I think it has more to do with my own pre-H wounds.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Thanks for fleshing out your strategy, and clearing up my view of it.

Your H is one crazy a$$ business partner, no doubts there. Who doesn’t list a property they are trying to sell? And fake offers? SMH. Wonder what he’s thinking.

So I don't know about your theory about my fear. I think it has more to do with my own pre-H wounds.

Yes. One’s fear is about one’s self. Always.

A deep anxiety of youth, irrationally tied and triggered by currently imagined possible future events.

I had a lot of fears of divorce. None of them actually came true.

D

[Gerda]

Welcome back to my thread after your bout with the dark forces of Covid!

I had a lot of fears of divorce. None of them actually came true.

D

D, all of my worst fears in life HAVE come true. I have survived them and grown stronger, etc, yes. But thinking that bad things won't happen won't work for me. They have mostly all happened. I have been saved from the worst that could happen within the worst -- e.g., yes, I got cancer, but I lived. But most of my fears HAVE happened. So for me it is more about finding out why to keep living, loving, joy-ing when so much of life turned out to be your worst fears come to pass.

What do you say about that?

And how are you feeling?

[Gerda]

I posted this on DnJ's thread but realized I should probably have posted it here, another signpost....

Originally Posted by DnJ

Ah, perceptions and reality. I believe these people in crisis do emotionally regress back to their younger selves. They change, we’ve all seen it. The question is if this is a change or finally dropping the act or something else.

I think our spouses weren’t acting. They were those people. Life, love, us, family, changed them for the better. Just like we did with them over the many years. We both grew into different people; adults, Mothers/Fathers. Then, their past comes calling and drags them back to the very person they were. That poor soul who had no idea of the trauma they were carrying around.

As unbelievable as it is, it’s emotional time travel more than change. They are reliving their youth. My XW has three different versions of herself inside. It seems like she changes from my perception, and yes she does. But, it matters how one defines change.

We all have many different versions of ourselves within us. With a little thought, I’m sure one can conjure up feelings of their past happy childhood. Times of strife dealing with our parents. Our first love. Our first fight with our best friend. Our awkward first kiss. Our time learning to drive. And so on.
...
For the majority of the time for the MLCer it is not change, nor dropping the act, it is something else - reliving their youth. They become someone else, a different angrier younger version of themselves. And that young person lacks empathy, isn’t married, doesn’t have kids, and so on.

D

I was thinking a lot about this, as you know; my thread is one of those where this topic is discussed, and sometimes I shudder to think of a newbie stumbling on my first thread, 2014, and seeing how it all played out. I don't want that newbie to lose hope based on my story.

But I was thinking of it also especially because I am preparing my nine millionth round of court papers and I came across a note my H wrote me once, well after BD, when he was about to cross fully over. I have been thinking lately that he was all bad always and the 20 years were the act, him trying to be someone he wasn't. But this note was like a door into whatever part of him was good. I think what you say above is a perfect way to think of it and I thank you for saying it!

I will paste the note below but I wanted to give you a song gift today. Taylor Swift's two new songs -- Exile with Bon Iver and Seven. And then Coldplay, "Us Against the World." The live version is particularly wonderful.

Here is the note. I know I posted it before on one of my long-ago threads. It is a good proof of your point. This was one of those momentary awakenings. I wrote something back and by then he was already gone, his response was back to the teen sans empathy and about what he owed the OW and a little while after that, how he had tried being a saint and he was done with that, it destroyed him and he was looking out for himself now. The "everyone involved" of course included wanting to not hurt OW, but it still does point to a remorse and a little empathy for me which had stopped by that time and which I basically never saw again.

I feel certain that I irreparably hurt the whole wide world last night,and many many many other nights, and I know I mostly hurt you, but also I hurt the kids, God, myself -- many many nights. This strange self-alienating trans-home, trans-self, trans-father, trans-husband, trans-friend multi-year void-abyss, this icy-cold winter is deeply cutting and wounding me and bleeding me of all life, all charity, all innocence and love. I have to believe there's a Spring beyond it. I can't see it now. I cannot see it now. I only know I have to change, that something has to change, and that I feel in this time so unworthy of a man's life and of a life-time, but not indulgently so, just honestly so - for a change. And I feel deeply sorry that I've sinned, mainly through lack of purity and charity, against you, against God, against many many others, most especially my kids. I only always pray for a new season, for an everlasting Spring, and I pray to learn what that time might look like, and how to make it a reality for me and for everyone, everyone, involved.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

But thinking that bad things won't happen won't work for me.

I do not promote pretending bad things won’t happen. Of course bad stuff happens; not all the bad stuff though.

My message is about rationalizing the fear. Accepting it. And therefore having fear lose it’s hold upon you.

What do you say about that?

It looks like you are questioning how to live, laugh, and love in a post-fear world; after the fearful event has happened and you have survived the fall out. I am sorry, my other posts were in response to your anxiety when dealing with divorce issues from H and his L. If we were actually sitting across from each other, and enjoying that wonder coffee and chocolate, we’d sure figure a lot more out. Of course I’d probably be 100 pounds heavier - in my virtual world you are a fantastic cook and baker.

The question of why to continue when so many fears have come to pass.

I have had enough events I feared come to pass as well. When I say my fears “actually didn’t come true” I mean that as written. This is two pronged. Some triggering events have happened. As those became closer and closer to reality, and eventual became reality, the fear becomes less and less. Fear lives in our imagined future, not within actual present. Things tend to uncouple as they move from fearful expectation to concerning reality.

The other “didn’t come true” is that my fears aren’t those triggering events. They are deeper. Like pain and death and such. These events just triggered those irrational fears, and the likelihood of serious pain or injury or abandonment or whatever was basically nil - it just felt like it wasn’t.

Why to continue seems like depression not fear. Doesn’t it?

Now, as you’ve said many times, I am the most glass half full guy you’ve ever met. Depression happens before acceptance. It’s normal and healthy to question and become depressed about life, choices, change, and so on. It’s our minds and emotions solidifying our reality. Getting ready to fully embrace and accept things.

I do remember a period of time after D when I slowed my conversations here. Pulled back for a bit. There are many steps where this happens; after a big change or decision, when letting go of something (happens each and every time we let go something anew), after processing something be it realized or not. This temporary dimming precedes our acceptance.

Grief is our emotions working to understand a loss. Something taken away or has changed and we experience a loss, and we grieve. Even if the loss is for the better, we still grieve it. That was an unexpected learning for me.

My separation and divorce stopped all angry and hurtful outburst from XW to me. I missed those. Sure, that loss was for the better. Yet I missed those outbursts. Depression heralds acceptance. Fear not.

Lots is changing in your life. Much of it is for the better. And still you need to grieve and come to emotional terms with it.

Have faith, the world will look much brighter in a little while.

D

[Gerda]

Well, it looks like S15 might have Covid, and then I started throwing up at 4 in the morning and having chills and my sense of smell seems off.

I am so scared to do this alone.

Will try to get tested today.

Prayers and hugs please.

[DnJ]

(((Gerda)))

Yes, get tested. Lots of liquids and rest.

Praying for you.

Your virtual comfort to me did help. I hope mine can provide similar benefit.

Take care.

D