keep working on your detachment. Quit trying to take all the blame. Be prepared for those separation papers to say something worse than "separation".
Good luck.
Carried over from the previous thread.
I have to admit that until now, I never thought that might be a possibility. And wow. If that's what it is, then I'll handle it but I almost don't even know what to say. I can't say I'd be shocked because certainly that's what her actions point to, but it would be another extremely out-of-character thing for her to do. I have to remind myself, who she is right now isn't the woman I married.
If that's what she says, the game plan is to simply say "That's not what I want, but I won't stand in your way." No tears. No visible emotion. Make her do all of the heavy lifting, fight for my interests across every conversation.
There is a saying around here to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. My radar went up when you mentioned she said she can't work on the marriage until you are legal separated. That's manipulation to get what she wants in the separation.
Originally Posted by SteveS
If that's what she says, the game plan is to simply say "That's not what I want, but I won't stand in your way." No tears. No visible emotion. Make her do all of the heavy lifting, fight for my interests across every conversation.
Pretty much accept for your last point. No conversations. Let the lawyers handle it.
There is a saying around here to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. My radar went up when you mentioned she said she can't work on the marriage until you are legal separated. That's manipulation to get what she wants in the separation.
Originally Posted by SteveS
If that's what she says, the game plan is to simply say "That's not what I want, but I won't stand in your way." No tears. No visible emotion. Make her do all of the heavy lifting, fight for my interests across every conversation.
Pretty much accept for your last point. No conversations. Let the lawyers handle it.
So just to be clear, if we meet tomorrow and it turns out it's actually divorce papers, I should basically just say "I'm not going to go over this with you, I'll handle it through my lawyers" and leave?
FWIW, I do think we can work it out amicably. As U and a few others have mentioned, we don't have a lot of complicating factors. No kids, a majority of my illiquid assets were held before marriage, and our salaries are equivocal so there's no support.
But to O's point, yeah, I would sort of feel blindsided, on top of the frustration that I feel about her saying for a YEAR that she's needed to get a legal separation in place. It'd be a mixture of anger and hurt, but I honestly don't know which would be more right now.
I'm talking to my lawyer tomorrow morning; I might ask her what she recommends I do in that situation.
I was waiting in the lobby of my local urgent care clinic for an anti-body test when I came across an article that interviewed a lot of people on their second marriage that went over aspects of their first, and what went wrong. I figured what the hell, probably an apropos thing for me to chew on.
What really struck me from the article were two things: one, a lot of people chalked up the demise of their first marriage as the result of two people who were earnest but young, and found themselves and their lives moving in a different direction than their partner. And two, a lot of them also said that if it wasn't for the demise of their first marriage, they likely never would have found the strength, growth, and wisdom to be successful in their second one.
I certainly understand the first point. When I met WAS, she was 24 and I was 30. (We married at 29 and 35.) While I was in a different phase of my career than her, it's true that we were both very young. My career had the path that it did, and she had hers -- but we weren't moving at the same pace nor having similar success, and I think I was very much more set in the who I was/who I'm becoming mold than she was. I'm not using it as an excuse but it follows logic: I was really the first long-long-term relationship she had, we met when she was fresh out of school, and down the line she may have simply realized that the person she was becoming or wanted to become wasn't possible in our marriage.
To the second point, I'm a bit more torn. Do I believe I'd have read NMMNG if I wasn't in my current situation? Probably not. But I do believe if we had continued to work in counseling, we'd have made a lot of progress on what was in our way. I'm not yet willing to conclude that I needed to have this happen in order to have the epiphany I needed to change my perspective. It's irrelevant though -- I have changed my perspective, I'm putting in the work, and I'm so much more capable and aware of my patterns than I ever was. I'm far from a finished product, and I certainly wish that growth didn't have to come at such a large expense. But I 100% believe that there's a healthy and fulfilling relationship down the road for me with plenty of better days ahead.
Actually I don’t think 35 and 29 are young at all to be married. Also to your point 90% of all non abusive relationships could be improved with counseling if both partners are onboard.
Steve I think you really need to question what type of person your W is to quit on your marriage after two years. I think you are going to see this as a blessing in disguise years down the road.
Actually I don’t think 35 and 29 are young at all to be married. Also to your point 90% of all non abusive relationships could be improved with counseling if both partners are onboard.
Steve I think you really need to question what type of person your W is to quit on your marriage after two years. I think you are going to see this as a blessing in disguise years down the road.
Fair on both. On the first one, yes, I don't think we were young overall, but rather given our respective backgrounds (both went to grad school, both very career-oriented, etc.) it's fair to say that I was further along in my overall life development than she was, and certainly had more experience in long-term relationships. But yes, it's not like we were 20.
On the second point, yeah, as I find myself feeling more anger about the situation, this certainly comes up a lot. I wasn't perfect by any means, but two years is a very, very short amount of time. (It's actually the root of my embarrassment and hurt over the situation, to be honest.) I don't think she by any means gave everything she had to making it work.
Either way, the lesson is the same: this really, REALLY sucked, but it's caused me to learn and grow so much. I am stronger because of it.
