To be more specific you are a Type A control freak with an anxious attachment style. You husband on the other hand is an avoidant. So here is what happens:
Affairs are acts of anger -- he has built up a ton of resentment toward you, and since he's avoidant, he hasn't given voice to any of it or worked any of it through.
Once people have affairs, they *initially* feel guilty and will beat themselves up about it, but eventually self-protection takes over and they refuse to believe that they are bad people.
So if he's not a bad person, then the reason he did a bad thing must have been because *you* drove him to it, you made him do it, and therefore *you* are the bad person and he is the victim.
Once he gets there, he'll seek any evidence to reinforce his viewpoint and will reject anything that contradicts it. That's why he will vilify you and nothing you do will be good. You simply can't win because he's an expert at confirmation bias at this point.
Virtually no one gets any real remorse -- the wayward spouse will feel sorry for themselves for "how you made them feel" about the affair, but they won't really feel remorse for their actions because they convince themselves that they were justified and that you were to blame.
And for just two seconds I'll give into your fantasy that you are some kind of women hell bent on world domination starting with your H. If that's the truth, why on god's green earth are you going to write him an apology letter. That is emotional manipulation in it's highest form which is a covert way to control someone. So you tell me, are you controlling or not? Either way. If you want to prove you are repentant for that behavior an apology letter while you are still in the throws of a divorce is the last way in the universe to show that you're changing, willing to change, and are truly sorry.
Sadly, I do see what my H was complaining about. It does ring with truth. I have to accept that I could have behaved differently and that would have caused my H to behave differently. But, I didn't get it until it was too late.
I don't want to write an apology letter. I did think about apologizing to my step kids for the constant bickering that I did with their dad - outside of that I'm not looking to apologize to H so much. Sure, part of me wants my H to know that I get it now.
Trust me - my H is a flawed person as well. I see his bad behavior too.
Last edited by job; 07/07/2009:09 PM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
