Hey Joe, I don't know if I would tell them right away. She is all over the place, you never know what will happen with the pregnancy. Values and thoughts you might have about what is the right thing to do in that situation may not apply to her anymore if you get what I am saying.
You might tell the family counselor privately to get ahead of it but I don't know if I would share that information right off the bat with the kids.
I'm not intending on telling my kiddos about H's secret GF (that he doesn't know I know about). Who knows how long until that mess blows up in his face so until he shares it that info with them I don't intend to, its just extra hurt for them to deal with. But I do intend to tell the child counselor I'm getting set up so we can get ahead of it in case it does become information they are aware of.
Just wanted to give you some additional food for thought.
I know what you mean. There is absolutely a chance this pregnancy doesn’t make it to term. And you’re absolutely right. There would be no point in telling them if it doesn’t. I actually appreciate your response. Definitely something to chew on so to speak.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
There’s absolutely a chance this pregnancy if a lie too. I wouldn’t believe it until the head was crowning
Lol. If I hadn’t seen the proof she went to a doctor who specialized in pre-natal care with a positive result from the hospital app I would have completely agreed. My initial reaction was oh bleep...she’s only been gone 3 and a half months. But apparently they’ve been trying because she showed me a negative result from the end of march with her positive result from Tuesday. So it’s real, and not mine.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Quick update I decided to stay in town this weekend. I decided running away was the wrong answer and not the way to handle this situation. I’ve also decided I’m not telling the kids until absolutely necessary. I don’t see a reason to tell them before. There’s no positive to be gained by doing so.
I had a IC session this morning and as usual it helped just to talk and mentally work thru how I’m feeling. I also spoke to her about the lady I’ve been talking to. She immediately asked me what’s the difference in this woman and the one before? Why do you feel ready to have a relationship? I told her I wasn’t ready. And this woman respected that. She asked about me and how I’m doing. She doesn’t only just share how she is or if she’s scared or whatever. She lets me talk. She respects the fact I’m a father. She respects the fact my kids have been thru some traumatic stuff. She encourages me. She’s a really sweet lady. My therapist just told me she doesn’t normally recommend or see value in getting something started so soon after a divorce with emotional abuse. But, if she is being supportive. And I don’t let her meet the kids anytime soon. And if I don’t neglect the kids and start taking time away from them and I can keep my emotions in check she doesn’t see what wrong. She recommended I keep it as a friendship as long as possible.
I have a feeling my new friend is going to come up in the sessions from now on.
So, I found out more about my friend. She was a librarian before she finished her masters in early childhood education. And she went and got a bachelors in nutrition and works as a facility working with patients who are in rehabilitation. Not the drug kind, but brain injuries, major injuries and just generally people who aren’t in a hospital anymore but can’t go home because they need some sort of long term care.
I took S17 to his girlfriends birthday party last evening. (Sweet 16). And my friend asked me to stop by for 5 mins. (I told her what I was up to when I said good morning). So I did stop by, and she had a speaker outside. Told me to come here, hit play and put my arms around her waist and she put her arms around my neck and she slow danced with me out of absolutely nowhere. When the song was over she hugged me and thanked me for the dance and told me to go home.
I talked to her after the kids went to bed, and asked her what that was about. She said she wanted to do something to show me I wasn’t alone. And that sometimes even if it’s for 5 mins it’s ok to let your guard down and just dance.
That was one of the most genuinely sweet moments of my life.
I came home and all my girls were standing there in the kitchen listening to music and actually cleaning up while dancing. I realized something. I’m happy. I’m gonna be ok and so are my kids. Gods put me right where I’m suppose to be and my future has never been brighter. And no not because of the new woman, but because I’m out of my rut. I value what’s should be valued. My relationships with people and not money. I’m a lucky guy. And I’m thankful for all the lessons I’ve been given this years.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Life has been absolutely amazing. I don’t have one complaint. I’m happy. I’m content. My kids are doing wonderful.
I did finally move into the new house. The first dinner was something I’ll never forget. The laughter, the smiles. Everything was just perfect. Watching D15 smile, laugh, dance and joke...it’s everything. S17 has been a been a bit moody but he’s a teenager so basically he’s good lol
D12 turned into D13. And as usual she’s back to making one liners that makes me laugh so hard.
D8 and D11 have been playing and making tik toks. Swinging on the new trees we have. Catching fire flys. It’s been a amazing.
There’s a lot going on with the STBXW but I honestly don’t care enough to even get into anymore. Maybe I will in the future but for now...I’m good
Hope everyone is well
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Joseph, so glad to hear the positive update, with your focus on the kids and your new friend instead of your ex. I hope your lives continue on this trajectory.
Ok so I’m gonna be 100% honest. I’m not perfect and have made mistakes. But I’m following my heart and keeping my IC informed honestly with everything I do. This will be a little longer too since I don’t post as much.
Ok. So on the STBXW front, she’s absolutely being the woman I married. Taking care of herself. Not being off her rocker. I’m not sure what happened or what made it click or if it’s fake. I don’t know. Could just be another manipulation tactic. My heart just isn’t in it enough for it to work. My heart just isn’t in it enough to ruminate on it. I don’t have any hatred for her. I do care what happens to her as a person but the respect and love just isn’t there anymore. She calls or texts everyday, but I only respond if I want too and there’s no pressure to do so. But she texts sweet things like I hope you made it home safely. When she knows me and the kids aren’t home she’ll drop off cookies or something and leave them on the front step in Tupperware inside a box. She has told me she made a mistake. She admits she cares for the other man but will never feel the love for him as she does for me. He can’t take to her to the highs I can or the lows I can. She says she’s still in love with me and found peace once she accepted that and stopped fighting it and trying to blame me for the things she’s done. She’s apologized several times for what she has done and said I never deserved it and it’s on her. She has admitted probably 4 or 5 times she’s always thinks about me. Compares the other man to me and he just can’t complete. She said the grass wasn’t greener and she screwed everything up and she accepts responsibility for it. She admitted everything she did to the kids. She admitted she needs more help that she knew. And she admitted she lost her faith in god, people, and herself. It was easier to lash out and walk out and blame all of us for her behavior than face it, accept it and fix it.
She’s also told me how proud of me she is for buying the house, getting a motorcycle, and raising the kids and just living my life and being myself. She says I seem better off without her. (I told her when she said that we aren’t playing the pity poor me game). She’s still unemployed, can’t find a job, and knows god is punishing her in her eyes. She also did have a miscarriage so I’m glad I didn’t say anything to the kids.
We do talk on the phone occasionally, but like I said only on my terms. It doesn’t affect me one way or another anymore. She looks for advice on her life, she looks for guidance but not support emotionally or financially. As far as she goes, I’ve completely detached and 100% dropped the rope. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But it was the best thing I’ve ever done. I’ve never experienced real unadulterated freedom the way I have the last few weeks up to a month. I use to look in the mirror and didn’t recognize who was looking back. Now I love who’s looking back. I’m me again. The real me, and I’m happy and I know everything will be ok.
My kids are doing wonderful. They still are getting along beautifully. They are always happy. They eat, play and pray everyday. I even saw S17 play hide and seek and tag with D8. I’m a lucky man. My life is full of riches i never appreciated before. The real riches in life. Not money, but love, family, emotional prosperity. The real things that fulfill the mind body and spirit. The legacy I leave behind started the day my W left. I’m thankful because I truly believe it saved my life and saved my soul. But anyway, watching these little people, to basically adult grow as people is an experience that’s changed me at the core of who I am. I love them dearly. They are the true loves of my life.
Ok as far as the woman I was seeing. I am still seeing her. She’s a wonderful woman. Kind, soft hearted, patient and completely unselfish. She’s a fantastic friend whom I enjoy going to dinner with when I can. She hasn’t met my children, and I suspect she won’t for a long time now. I haven’t done what people thought, stay at work late, pawned them off at grandmas or my brothers or whatever else was said. I’ve stayed true to myself and to my children. And she’s been amazing with her understanding and patients. The moment that changes, if my children aren’t ready (and me and my children’s therapist will make that decision) if she pushes the issue she’ll have to go.
Other than that, life is good, real and simple. Which is exactly what we all needed.
Im gonna keep posting, this isn’t goodbye, because truly it’s just the beginning
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
