I know exactly what to believe part 6

[JosephS]

MrBrside,
I’m not running on pure emotion. It’s not like she’s the first thing I think of when I wake up or the last when I go to sleep. I don’t spend all day talking to her or thinking about her. I think it’s great I found someone who’s perfectly fine with taking things slow. Who’s well educated and doesn’t curse like a sailor and is religious.

They like spending the night at my brothers because he’s has kids that are close to their age. (And a large Inground pool lol). But seriously it’s a bad thing my mother wanted to see her grand kids and have the 3 youngest spend the night? I didn’t ask her to take them. With that line of thinking I guess I shouldn’t let my kids spend the night at their friends house either? I wouldn’t have mattered if i stayed home all last night I still would have let them go to their grand parents. They like seeing her, they like that she allows desert before dinner etc. I’m sorry but yeah I don’t see the logic in keeping them home 24/7. I would like them to feel as normal as possible.

[JosephS]

I would also like to add me and this lady aren’t in a relationship. Won’t be anytime soon. I’m still working on myself. Still seeing my IC. Still putting my kids first. They still see their therapists. We don’t talk unless the kids are in bed and the texting is kept to good morning have a nice day. She’s not pushing, she’s not over whelming. She’s kind and understanding. She’s soft spoken and not overbearing. For me personally she checks all on boxes for someone I would like in my life.

Do I enjoy her company, yes very much. Is it the end of the world if I don’t speak to her or see her for the day, no not at all.

I’m not falling in love with her. As far as the date thing goes, she said when I’m ready and want to go on a date sometime how would I feel about going to church together.

My kids are thriving. Their report cards all went up. They’re not slacking with chores or cleaning their room. They’re always smiling and happy now. A few days ago I called them for dinner and they came down with a blu tooth speaker with music blaring all doing some weird dance and laughing at my reaction. I understand my place in their lives. I understand what I need to be. They will always be number 1 and the most important thing in my life. Nothing is going to change that.

However, I’m detached from my ex. I wouldn’t take her back if she asked. I have no feelings towards her. I’m not in love with her, I don’t hate her. I have nothing for her. She doesn’t cross my mind unless she shows up on her own. (Email/call etc). And than when that happens I don’t spin. I don’t ruminate all day thinking about her. I don’t look into anything or look for hidden meaning or twist what she says in the hopes of a bread crumb she still loves me. Because quite honestly it doesn’t matter because I don’t care.

With all that being said, if this lady who is my age, is religious, modest, kind, caring and a sweetheart of a person is understanding of me. Understanding of my children’s needs and supportive of my sitch and doesn’t push or force for more than what I can give. I’m not going to turn her away. When my kids called me to say goodnight when I was with her, she smiled went into the house and got us lemonade. When she got back (she waited til I was off the phone, and keep in mind this is her house) she asked if they were ok and if I needed to leave because they weren’t ok being at my moms. And she did it with a smile on her face and was genuine about her question.

I think a perfect example of how I think this is a great start is because it’s going on lunch time here and I haven’t heard from her nor has she heard from me. And that’s ok!

[JosephS]

Not to beat a dead horse, but when I say it’s everything holding her hand, or hugging her or the smell of her neck what I mean is I’m not falling in love with her. What I mean is it’s not sexual. It’s not based on pure lust. And trust me it’s been a minute for me lol!

Here’s what I mean, holding her hand meant more than a kiss. Hugging her didn’t leave me thinking about sex. Being around her doesn’t bring me pain, it doesn’t feel forced and I don’t feel rushed or pushed. Talking to her doesn’t leave me feeling guilty. Being around her makes me want to continue my journey to self redemption not stop it. It makes me want continue to be a good father and not blow them off to spend time with her. She doesn’t make me feel self conscious. I don’t feel like I have to spend every waking moment of my life with her to keep her happy or content. She has helped me more the in the past week realize how unhealthy my marriage was for years while I lived on the corner of ignorance and denial. And she does it by being herself. By being ok with who I am and what i need.

As far as the kids go, they have no idea I’m evening talking to someone. And it’s gonna stay that way for a while. That’s the truth. Woman will not be running in and out of their lives and they will not feel 2nd best.

I did hear from her today. I’ll do a copy and paste. If this conversation seems unhealthy or wrong or moving to fast than please say so because I’m not seeing it. Lol

Her: hey you

Me: hi how are ya?

Her: oh boy! feel like crap today so that’s fun, what r u up to?

Me: Well I hope you feel better. I was just on the phone with a friend. His grandmother is passing away from cancer. She’s in hospice, sleeping, they can’t get a blood pressure on her. So I’m just trying to be there for him and reassure him she’s not in any pain right now and everything is gonna be ok. It [censored] because his nana was his mother. She raised him.

Her: sorry...so sad. not an easy thing to go through. glad u can be there for him. You talk to him. You work tonight or you taking off to be there for him?

Me: I’m working. He’s got his family over. He should be ok. I actually didn’t offer to come sit with him though. You think I should instead of assume?

Her: Well, I don’t think it would hurt to let him know you can be there if he needs a friend.

Me: ok i think I will. Thanks

Her: no thanks needed. Drive safe to work this evening.

[JosephS]

Well...the STBXW is pregnant with the OMs child.

The part that actually makes me a little mad, I don’t think I can get a divorced pushed through in time to get her off my medical insurance. I think my insurance is gonna actually have to pay for this.

Anywho, I think I’ve seen Jerry Springer shows with less charades than what my STBXW has turned into. She’s 33, physically abusive, an alcoholic if not worse, and will have 6 children to 3 different fathers. While still technically being married to father number 2. That’s a mind boggling thing to say out loud.

I won’t ever regret meeting and marrying her because I wouldn’t have my children, but sweet Jesus what was I thinking! What did I see that obviously wasn’t there? Oh well, I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure that out and wouldn’t be able to come up with an answer.

And I’m so thankful I found this place. Forums and books and DBing in general. If I hadn’t learned to get a life, detach and stop caring man this would have sent me emotionally through something that would have paralyzed me and probably stopped me from ever being able to trust again. This program has literally saved my future self.

I don’t have much else to report. Kids are home, we made cinnamon rolls. Well they made cinnamon rolls and I ate them lol. Tomorrow evening D12 (who’s gonna be D13 like in a week!) wants to grill with me. So we’ll do that. It hit just hit me I’m gonna have 3 teenagers living in the house!

[Taz]

J,

Been following you and your situation for a long time. My heart breaks for you and your children. I am also worried for this new child. This poor little person will be born into a terrible situation. Hopefully your future X will take the steps necessary and put in the work to properly care for this child.

Taz

[JosephS]

J,

Been following you and your situation for a long time. My heart breaks for you and your children. I am also worried for this new child. This poor little person will be born into a terrible situation. Hopefully your future X will take the steps necessary and put in the work to properly care for this child.

Taz

I’ll be ok. My kids, I honestly don’t know how they are going to take this. I can’t even begin to think how to tell them to be honest.

And honestly if she didn’t take the steps for the first 5 I doubt she will for the 6th. And yes it’s sad, and I feel for that child. Time will tell all. All I can do is be there for my kids and support them and their feelings

[JosephS]

The more I think about this...the more angry I get. What exactly am I suppose to say to my kids? This is absolutely insane. She so far gone it’s not funny. And to have to find out because I got an update through my email to check my insurance account for recent activity.

Yeah I did contact her after seeing that. Her response is I’m ridiculous and it’s none of business and than admits it. Tells me she doesn’t care what I say to the kids because they won’t talk to her. And than says she’s has no hope of fixing it with them ever so I can have them she’ll just start a new family. Her true colors are straight evil on every level.

Man she replaced her kids like a dog who ran away.

This is the disaster that just keeps going. I’m taking the kids out of town for the weekend. I’m gonna have to contact the family counselor and have them come Monday.

I did confide in the woman I’m speaking with. She’s actually the one who said have the family counselor come to the house as soon as I can and tell them then if I feel I need to tell them at all. Shes also encouraging to go see mine myself. Maybe I should.

[SteveLW]

Yeah, your STBX cannot be your X fast enough.

I take wish you could contact the insurance and have her removed early.

[Traveler]

Hi Joe,

Wow—saw your update. I’m glad this new person is there for you and suggesting healthy things like continuing your personal journey and therapy. I only have a minute, but you’re in my thoughts. Take care!

[JosephS]

Yeah, your STBX cannot be your X fast enough.

I take wish you could contact the insurance and have her removed early.

I can’t have her removed until we are officially divorced. I emailed my atty and told her to get the paperwork drafted ASAP. I want to proceed and get this person away from me in every which was ASAP.

Hi Joe,

Wow—saw your update. I’m glad this new person is there for you and suggesting healthy things like continuing your personal journey and therapy. I only have a minute, but you’re in my thoughts. Take care!

Thanks for the thoughts CW. I’m feeling a little better after getting some sleep. Just the initial “shock” for lack of a better term. Just the shear audacity of this quack...trying to come back while pregnant with another mans child. Now I’m left again to tell the kids what’s going on and how they have a new half sibling. I’ll get it done and make sure everyone is ok.