Wow, this lady is very disrespectful and selfish. And not healthy if she “misses” you after hanging out once.
You wonder what it would have been like if you gave it a shot? Well, I can tell you exactly how it would go. And it looks a lot like you current sitch.
I’m going to be blunt. If you are wondering what it would have been like if you gave it a shot, and don’t see how this is disrespectful and unhealthy, then you really do have a lot of work to do before you begin dating again. Else you will just keep choosing very unhealthy partners .
Exactly what I was thinking.
I would block her texts.
Jospeh, you are in a very difficult situation. You are demanding respect. That is what words are. You need to start commanding respect. That requires action.
I would have reiterated to her that you will ignore texts, and only read emails on your time. Then hung up. And blocked all of her future text messages.
Ex-Ws make terrible friends.
Oh I didn’t answer the phone. It was left as a voicemail. And I didn’t respond to the text. That’s feeding the energy vampire. (See I’m learning). These are my boundaries. They will be respected or we won’t communicate at all.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Hey Joseph, I haven't been able to post much lately. Probably about the longest time I've been away from the board. I didn't want you to think I had forsaken you. You are getting good advice from the others. I think you are crossing a bridge now, and are going to start focusing on your personal goals, desires for your future, etc. Continue working with your IC. You are getting stronger.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey Joseph, I haven't been able to post much lately. Probably about the longest time I've been away from the board. I didn't want you to think I had forsaken you. You are getting good advice from the others. I think you are crossing a bridge now, and are going to start focusing on your personal goals, desires for your future, etc. Continue working with your IC. You are getting stronger.
((hugs))
I wouldn’t ever think that. I’m glad you posted and I really hope everything is ok your way! And thank you so much. I am getting stronger. This is without a doubt the longest I’ve gone without questioning everything and what is going to happen to me. I’m in control of myself and no one else. And my new therapist as been an absolute god send. I can’t stress that enough. There is someone that I know follows my sitch and will occasionally post in it. I hope they see this. I’ve said it a few times for their benefit. IC with the right therapist has been the absolute best thing I could do for myself!
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Journaling Kids came home yesterday, something happened i never thought would. I actually had to adjust to it lol. This past week may have been the best week I’ve had in a long time for my mental health. I figured so much out about myself. Rediscovered who I am. And I couldn’t be happier. My STBXW has written me everyday. But I’ve ignored it. Just more nonsense designed to get a reaction out of me. Funny thing is I can tell they’re getting more and more desperate.
I really don’t have much to say for once. I’m happy and I feel like I’m in a great place mentally and emotionally.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Journaling Kids came home yesterday, something happened i never thought would. I actually had to adjust to it lol. This past week may have been the best week I’ve had in a long time for my mental health. I figured so much out about myself. Rediscovered who I am. And I couldn’t be happier. My STBXW has written me everyday. But I’ve ignored it. Just more nonsense designed to get a reaction out of me. Funny thing is I can tell they’re getting more and more desperate.
I really don’t have much to say for once. I’m happy and I feel like I’m in a great place mentally and emotionally.
Awesome! This is what we'd hoped to hear.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’ve been talking to someone for a few days. And last night I went to her house. I stayed til 4am. (Kids were at a sleepover at my brothers)...this woman, she made time stand still. She held my hand and it was everything. The way she hugged me, it was everything. She’s well educated, very smart, and goal oriented. She’s absolutely amazing in every single way.
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t care what anyone is about to say. I’m not ready. It’s too soon. She hugged me goodbye for 20 mins. And I’m not exaggerating. And it wasn’t long enough. It’s not a physical thing. It’s different. I swear as absolutely insane as it sounds...i already miss her touch. The feel of her hand in mine. Her voice in my ear. The smell of her neck.
We sat on a bench in her back yard til 4am and we didn’t kiss. She knows everything I’ve been through. Her response is I’m here if you need to talk. I’m here if you want me to go with you to counseling. She also said she’ll go away if that’s what is best for me. She doesn’t call me during the day. She doesn’t text me besides to say good morning and call her when the kids are in bed. She’s amazing. I don’t want her to go away. I don’t want to lose the chance I know this woman will provide. Whatever that is.
Again, I know I’m gonna get people telling I’m not ready and this is unhealthy. This will end badly. Etc. But I truly don’t care.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I’ve been there. The dopamine hit Is amazing when after months or even years of anguish, we meet this too good to be true person.
I understand that you probably won’t take anyone’s advice to not jump in so I’ll give you my best advice. Google: love bombing. The way you describe this woman being so amazingly perfect, is kind of a red flag that reeks of chameleon behavior aka someone who is possibly BPD or NPD.
Just educate yourself before you dive in. You are primed for a huge setback if your judgement about this woman is wrong.
Joseph, in most cases I'm a wet blanket. In your case, I'm so anxious to see you so far away from your STBXW, that if meeting someone means that, then so be it. I do pause again for the kids, since seeing their dad date is tough. My W has been through it.
The apostle Paul encourages Christians that can contain themselves to forego marriage to be able to give 100% of to the work of the Lord. But he says it's better to marry than to burn. Meaning in lust. That's my attitude. If divorced parents can hold off until their youngest is 18, then that is best. But it's better to remarry than to burn.
Last edited by Steve85; 06/26/2003:24 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’ve been there. The dopamine hit Is amazing when after months or even years of anguish, we meet this too good to be true person.
I understand that you probably won’t take anyone’s advice to not jump in so I’ll give you my best advice. Google: love bombing. The way you describe this woman being so amazingly perfect, is kind of a red flag that reeks of chameleon behavior aka someone who is possibly BPD or NPD.
Just educate yourself before you dive in. You are primed for a huge setback if your judgement about this woman is wrong.
I looked up love bombing before. I honestly have no idea if this is it. But I’ll tell you for now in this moment I’m happy. With or without her. And the without her part is what’s important to me.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Joseph, in most cases I'm a wet blanket. In your case, I'm so anxious to see you so far away from your STBXW, that if meeting someone means that, then so be it. I do pause again for the kids, since seeing their dad date is tough. My W has been through it.
The apostle Paul encourages Christians that can contain themselves to forego marriage to be able to give 100% of to the work of the Lord. But he says it's better to marry than to burn. Meaning in lust. That's my attitude. If divorced parents can hold off until their youngest is 18, then that is best. But it's better to remarry than to burn.
I appreciate the religious aspect of your comment. Honestly I prayed, and I prayed hard, and this feels right. It’s weird. The lust part doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s not that I’m lonely and want a companion. I just, ran into someone who I instantly respected. And honestly seems to care far more about me and my relationships with my kids than herself and my relationship with her.
She asked if she could see me tonight. My 3 youngest went to my mothers tonight. She wanted to get them Chinese food and ice cream. And they wanted to have a sleepover at nanas with the dogS. S17 is out with his friends and D15 went to her best friends house. (The best friend and her boyfriend broke up so girl time for support was in order) Anyway i get to her house and she has a blanket out in the yard. She asked me over to lay down and look at the stars. We later there for 2 hours talking about nothing and holding hands. When I left I gave her a kiss on the cheek.
Like I said I know I’m not going to hear much positive. And I’m ok with that. I was in an honest to goodness place mentally and emotionally when she showed up. And she keeps me there. Doesn’t make things complicated and respects my kids and my relationships.
Here’s the real kicker that absolutely sold me. She asked me if I’d ever want to go church with her. She considered that to be a good first “date”. Seriously in this day in ago, that’s an amazing idea for a date.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t care what anyone is about to say. I’m not ready. It’s too soon. She hugged me goodbye for 20 mins. And I’m not exaggerating. And it wasn’t long enough. It’s not a physical thing. It’s different. I swear as absolutely insane as it sounds...i already miss her touch. The feel of her hand in mine. Her voice in my ear. The smell of her neck.
I've mentioned if before and Thorton just reitterated it - Dopamine...
The stuff that affairs are made of... It's very addictive and rational goes out of the window.. The wayward drug and the mindset it creates - a few hits of dopamine and for the cheater and its a case of "well i've not been happy for years", "oh you never understood me", " oh this guy treats me better " , "oh true love" etc etc - We have all been there, got the tshirt.
Every person here knows you can't reason with somebody on this high.. A few hits and dopamine addiction sends logic into free fall - usually resulting in a massive affair down and they are on track to lose everything.. Look at the rational of a cheater - You or their friends attempt to reason / apply logic to this emotional cluster ***& / free fall and the reply will be :
Originally Posted by JosephS
I know I’m gonna get people telling I’m not ready and this is unhealthy. This will end badly. Etc. But I truly don’t care.
Why does it end badly - why do 98% of affairs fail eventually - the person / people in them don't work on their issues - Just like you aren't. You may not be in an affair, but all logic has gone.
Why don't they / you care - becuase i want my dopamine hit and i want it now !
Once that dopamine hits, nothing else matters - spouse, kids, house - out comes to excuses to see the new lover, no matter the cost to the relationship , family or career..
Originally Posted by JosephS
My 3 youngest went to my mothers tonight. She wanted to get them Chinese food and ice cream. And they wanted to have a sleepover at nanas with the dogS. S17 is out with his friends and D15 went to her best friends house. (The best friend and her boyfriend broke up so girl time for support was in order
You have spent months telling us how you are going to be the rock for the kids. I wonder how long before your children start to visit your mothers a lot more often, or you leave them with your eldest - maybe even start to tell them you need to work later / different shifts. - But just like a cheating spouse, you will justify it in one way or another to convince yourself what you are doing isnt wrong / affecting your children. - Again, you may not be wayward, but your love struck mindset is just like that of a wayward.
You are entitled to a life, but your focus should be your kids IMO.
Thats said, your posts above show you are functioning on pure emotion - You can't reason with emotion - so i'm wasting my time writing here, hence i will keep it short.
Best of luck.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
