Blu - it would be great if I can get your advice on my situation - I have read some of your threads and your posts and they are always insightful and helpful. I would so appreciate it.
LH - not sure if testosterone is a steroid, but after talking to my dr about his dosage, its pretty high from what I told her.. She suggested that I remove all firearms from the house, which I plan to do soon. He is also on human growth hormone. I do agree that the boards are geared to divorce topics and have no problem keeping it there. - I did let him know that I was not okay with what happened. He blamed me saying that I had said (weeks ago) that he was a 'nice guy' in context of the NGS and he turned it all back on me. - As well, with the std, his first reaction was, "It wasn't me". And professed his safety for a long time, pretty much until the test results came in. - I will not have any further safety issues, because I will not be with him in that way again.
Steve - I really wanted to be honest, because this is a part of my situation. Honestly, I could not handle this situation alone, without advice and support from this board, so I really appreciate being here.
I know I have messed things up. He took a 'day' ride today - and lied about where he really went - not going where he said he was going. All his usual tells just coming out in full force again. Not good. I shouldn't care, I know, but I do, and its all backsliding. I have pushed him far. Maybe at this point, just keeping my mouth shut would be a good first step.
Last edited by BlueSea; 06/25/2005:40 AM.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
You need to keep detaching and you need to keep GALing. Divorcebusting will help get you to where you need to be emotionally in order to take stock of your situation and decide whether you should walk away. You also need to avoid being alone with him, particularly in an intimate setting. Finally, you need to tell someone in real life what happened and everything else that you are holding back. Consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE and talking to them.
Is this really the first time anything like this has happened or are these just two more instances in a long string of abuse? If it is the latter, then you really do need to do something urgently and you should consider leaving immediately. Be brutally honest with yourself. You already know the truth and whether you have to leave.
And don't be too hard on yourself for "mucking" things up. You didn't muck anything up. Your situation is an extremely difficult one and it is hard to extricate yourself emotionally from someone like your husband. But it is important that you try.
Do keep posting, particularly if you have nowhere else to turn. I am confident that there are at least a few people on the board with the professional experience necessary to help you if you need and want the assistance.
You have a whole community of people here who care about YOU.
You haven't messed anything up. Be kind to yourself. You don't deserve this and it is NOT OK what he did to you.
An a few questions:
Is there anyone IRL that you can talk to? A friend or family member who you trust? Do you have an IC?
Is there somewhere you can go for a few days to get a bit of space? If it is too hard to think of it like leaving him, maybe framing it to yourself like you just need some space and/or a break can allow you to get out of the house?
Are your worried about your children at all?
Would it help to think of your H like he is on drugs and not the same person as the one you married?
I really, really think you need to get all firearms out of your house ASAP. Violent, erratic behavior and guns do not mix.
Please do keep posting and let us know that you are safe.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Be brutally honest with yourself. You already know the truth and whether you have to leave....
Spiral - I know the truth - its my execution that has problems. I can not leave. That just is.
Originally Posted by Spiral
And don't be too hard on yourself for "mucking" things up. You didn't muck anything up. Your situation is an extremely difficult one and it is hard to extricate yourself emotionally from someone like your husband. But it is important that you try.
Thanks for that Spiral, I beat up myself a lot - on the knowing what to do - but failing to do it. I am trying to extricate myself emotionally, it is hard, he plays me well. This morning I was greeted with a warm hug, came all the way to my room to do so - he knows he has to put some breadcrumbs out - he senses I am feeling broken/down.
Originally Posted by Steve85
So it is important to realize that while he feels that way right now, it can change in the future. The way you help that along to DB! GAL, 180s, and detachment. I cannot stress enough how much those three helped in my situation. The more I recaptured the guy I was when we met, the more I self-improve and became a better version of myself, and the more I acted "as if", didn't react emotionally to her words and deeds, and embraced moving on and her moving on........the more she slowly but surely started to come around. Trust the process.
Steve - Trust the process - yes, I will. The answer is and always is: GAL, 180s, and detachment. Rinse, repeat. I make things more complicated. I think I know better. Sometimes I think I have a shortcut. Clearly not. I will trust the process. thanks for being that guiding light.
May First off, thank you for your kindness - for the questions: Is there anyone IRL that you can talk to? A friend or family member who you trust? Do you have an IC? No, no one knows - the anonymity here makes it possible for me to share. No IC. That well is too deep.
Is there somewhere you can go for a few days to get a bit of space? If it is too hard to think of it like leaving him, maybe framing it to yourself like you just need some space and/or a break can allow you to get out of the house? I am happy here. I know what you are suggesting is a good idea. I have small pleasures here that I enjoy and need - walking the yard, sitting by the fountain in the sun, bumping into pets along the way. I know he should be the one to go - having that actually happen seems to destroys the possibility of a future of how our family used to be, and that is what my heart is holding on to so hard - even though my head knows that's all gone.
Are your worried about your children at all? I always worry how this will affect them.
Would it help to think of your H like he is on drugs and not the same person as the one you married? Yes. I do try to think of him as special needs, and that helps in my interaction with him actually.
I really, really think you need to get all firearms out of your house ASAP. Violent, erratic behavior and guns do not mix. Yes. I need to do that. He knows where they are all at and that is the only problem.
I am safe May - thank you for caring!!!
Some questions: What do you do when they threaten to leave? What do you do when they are outright lying to you? What do you do when they want to hug and you just dont? What do you do when they are being rude and crossing a boundary? (like being mean) How do you respond to gas lighting?
thank you!!
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
So it is important to realize that while he feels that way right now, it can change in the future. The way you help that along to DB! GAL, 180s, and detachment. I cannot stress enough how much those three helped in my situation. The more I recaptured the guy I was when we met, the more I self-improve and became a better version of myself, and the more I acted "as if", didn't react emotionally to her words and deeds, and embraced moving on and her moving on........the more she slowly but surely started to come around. Trust the process.
Steve - Trust the process - yes, I will. The answer is and always is: GAL, 180s, and detachment. Rinse, repeat. I make things more complicated. I think I know better. Sometimes I think I have a shortcut. Clearly not. I will trust the process. thanks for being that guiding light.
One thing to remember. It is easy for me to say (and type) GAL, 180, and detach. Some call that cookie cutter advice. The good news is that the advice is SIMPLE. And I believe in KISS as a principle (Keep It Simple, Stupid). I am stupid in that principle!
The execution of that advice is much more difficult. Easy to say, hard to do. But if you think about it, nothing worthwhile in life is easy!
Originally Posted by BlueSea
Some questions: What do you do when they threaten to leave? What do you do when they are outright lying to you? What do you do when they want to hug and you just dont? What do you do when they are being rude and crossing a boundary? (like being mean) How do you respond to gas lighting?
thank you!!
In order:
Offer to help them pack.
Make an excuse to end the conversation. In fact, this is a tool that LBSs would do themselves a favor on if they'd employ it more often! Then walkaway and do something productive!
Do not hug them if that is how you feel. You have a right to turn them down, just like they feel they have a right to turn you down. So simply state: "I don't want to hug." Then walkaway and do something productive!
Make an excuse to end the conversation. In fact, this is a tool that LBSs would do themselves a favor on if they'd employ it more often! Then walkaway and do something productive!
Make an excuse to end the conversation. In fact, this is a tool that LBSs would do themselves a favor on if they'd employ it more often! Then walkaway and do something productive!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
What do you do when they threaten to leave? If you can't quite get to "let me help you pack" (that is expert-level DB) practice "OK" and leaving it at that. Then walk away.
For all the rest... practice some exit lines so you have them at the ready. Whether making a viable excuse ("I'm so sorry, I forgot something I need to take care of" and walking away, or being more direct "I'm really not interested in this conversation right now" or "OK, I hear you. Thanks for letting me know." I think there is a sticky with validation/exit lines that you might check out.
On my last thread, there is a lot of really good advice from AlisonUK and others about boundaries. How do you feel when he talks to you and you know he's lying or gaslighting you? Remove yourself from the situation. Protect your boundaries. You don't need to listen to something that is damaging to you. Alison had an incredibly helpful take on how she sets boundaries with friends/acquaintances, and how it works in her M with her H, that really helped me to better understand boundaries vs threats and how to enforce authentic boundaries. Boundaries aren't something you say. They are something you live.
And on gaslighting-- that only works if you listen and care what he says. Don't give him that power.
On the IC... do you work? if so, is there an employee assistance program through your job? Many employers have this and I think you normally get up to four free sessions with someone who could help you. It also works for family in case your H's job offers this. I'm wondering if this might be an easier step for you than setting up with an IC? Something that isn't permanent, is specifically set up to help you through difficult times, has a degree of anonymity that you wouldn't get with a friend or a long-term IC, and may have some simple suggestions for you or additional resources you can access?
you got this Blue!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
What do you do when they threaten to leave? If you can't quite get to "let me help you pack" (that is expert-level DB) practice "OK" and leaving it at that. Then walk away.
May, you might think that. But if you saw the reaction when you actually say that, and mean it, your DBing confidence would soar! After they fall to the floor in shock, they will come to and never threaten to leave ever again.
It is called "calling their bluff".
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Not to hijack your thread, Blue, but Steve-- I did look up apartments for my H and told him about them. No falling to the floor in shock for him. Just a dismissal that it was probably a POS because of the price. And I also told him that even though it costs money for him to MO (rather than cake eat in the basement or the office) we could afford it and it was dumb to make a decision about something like this on $$. He agreed and I think he's looked at apartments online since then. So, I don't think that is in play in my sitch.
And, literally every time he's said he thinks he should MO in this current go-round I have said is this it? Is this your decision? Because OK, then, go. Do it. And he just backs down and says no, I don't know what I want. (I'm not saying it out of DB, maybe. I'm saying it out of FU anger and ready to get my life moving w/o him. Maybe I need to be calmer and use the actual phrase.)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
