Actually I have no issue with "for her sake I think it's best" from a detachment perspective. The reason I don't like "for her sake I think it's best" is that the other party is likely to hear "I know what's best for D4".
You already stated in the previous sentence "as you know it's very important to her" -- that places the focus on D4's needs and not your opinions about what is best for her. Your H can choose to honor D4's wishes or not.
I think it depends if you want him as a co-host or a guest.
If co-host, you could say “I’m planning D4’s party. She would love it if you were there to celebrate with her. If there’s anything special you’d like to contribute I’d be happy to incorporate your ideas.”
If guest, you could just say “D4’s birthday party is on x date at x time. She would love it if you were there to celebrate with her. The RSVP date is x.”
I’d avoid anything that asks him to do something ie. please let me know xyz. Just let him know what you doing and that he’s welcome to contribute. That way, what you do isn’t dependent on his decisions.
The only reason I’m posing it this way is that not too long ago he had texted me to see if I was planning something and made it clear that he wants to contribute and participate. Otherwise I would definitely just invite him as a guest.
Because SIP is still in effect for the most part here, it’s very likely to be just 3 of us which does not sound fun. But D4 will be extremely happy and that all that matters for the day. I’ll be sure to have plenty of celebratory drinks on hand for myself
Just getting caught up. He said "girlfriend" to you, ugh. I can see how that is an extra gut punch in all this. Two years is a good amount of time. It would be nice if the D could be finalized before he started dating and wanting to introduce D4 to girlfriends, but perhaps there is no point in thinking about that. I do agree that him wanting to consult you about when he introduces her to them is a good sign. I think if I had ended up D, and were dating, I would not do the same. I would make my own judgement about who I introduced my kids to and when. I would also find it awkward to have to give H my blessing for him to do the same. In our sitch, OW had been a good friend of mine (and our kids were all friends) so I told him right off the bat to never bring the kids around her or to think I would ever be okay with the kids figuring out what was going on. I also knew I couldn't control it if he did. Fortunately he didn't.
If I recall I had a lot of hope for you two Ring early in your sitch. I am sorry that I was wrong about that. Maybe I misunderstood his kindness and affection to mean he was conflicted on his feelings for you? Maybe I wanted to see that because that is what I saw in my own sitch. I think the others have explained it far better. I don't like that he does that at all now. It's weird. He should not pity you in that way also. Ew. No. And I don't like that he feels so comfortable to come into your space, try and be friendly and to be affectionate. I am not sure you have to announce he needs to stop tho. Maybe you just need to create stronger boundaries with your time and body language so he sees that is not going to be tolerated. Can you stop spending time altogether? Just brief hand-offs with D4?
I have 3 Ds. When H and I were separated, my youngest D turned 5. I didn't invite him to her party. I told him that I would not be doing things together as a family and that he could plan his own celebration with his own family for her. Was that the best move? I don't know. I just refused to play nice with him given all that he had done. My kids saw us both often, but not together. I think that is okay too. If you don't want to pretend to be a family, you don't have to do that. Even if D4 is sad, or puts up resistance, she will recover and this is her reality now. Sometimes we try and protect our children, but they are far more resilient than we give them credit for. She can be disappointed, or hurt, or angry-- and she is allowed that. You can still both love her and can love her in your own ways. .... I think this could also help you move on. You deserve that now.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
It’s so nice to hear from you. The word girlfriend was a definite gut punch. I also think it’s complete BS because they just met, but that doesn’t matter. He views her and their relationship that way, so there it is.
I know you had hope for H and I to reconcile at some point. Several people here did, and all my closest friends did too. It wasn’t just the kindness and the affection, I don’t think, though that played a part (including up to literally a week ago). It was also several conversations he initiated in which he wavered, times he told me straight out he could see that things could be good again, etc.
Honestly? I believe that he did feel that way. Honestly? I believe that he still does. But I also now believe (as I long suspected and hoped wasn’t the case) that he is one of the weakest kind. The kind who can see there is a chance to be a happy family again, and even partly wants to make that happen, but doesn’t have the guts to take the leap. I honestly think that the way he’s been over the last few months with the affection and the texting and just the way he was looking at me, was because he felt it, things building to something good between us slowly. And I think it scared the sh!t out of him, so he ran the other way and bolstered himself safely behind the wall of a new relationship.
Obviously I could be wrong. And obviously it doesn’t actually matter. But I do believe that, and that’s what makes this so hard to let go of. But I’m getting there. Yes it’s very slow for me. But the pace has picked up over the last few months, and my anger and disgust at his latest crap has definitely helped the push. But oh man, it is excruciating. I think I’m painfully intuitively aware of what’s going on, and it just makes it harder. Again, could be wrong. Doesn’t matter.
It’s all business from me toward him at this point. He is partially mirroring it, and partially awkwardly trying to bring it back to us chatting and joking, and the GD touching. I’m silently setting my boundaries. He tries to chat with me and I just say uh huh and give him an “ok you can go now” look. Sunday he came to drop off D4 after their Father’s Day together and he literally came in, kicked off his shoes, PUT HIS FEET UP ON MY COFFEE TABLE AND STARTED LOOKING AT HIS PHONE. Commenting on how cute the pics from the day were, but not actually showing them to me. I felt completely certain he was trying to provoke me, and I literally ignored it all until he got the point and left. After I put D4 to bed I screamed into a pillow. HOW. DARE. HE. Yesterday he texted me that he got a bonus at work and was transferring me $1000 for D4s birthday “or whatever”. I don’t even know. He is so messed up. Unfortunately I’ve been unemployed and struggling financially since SIP started and would be a fool to turn down extra money, as good as it would have felt to do so. I just said “that’s very helpful, thank you” and left it alone.
I don’t think he likes that I’m not freaking out about his revelations and lies. I think it upsets his narrative and takes me out of my place in his mind. Maybe I’m wrong. I look forward to seeing less of him in the near future.
Boundary idea: Don't let him into your house during drop-offs/pick-ups. He certainly shouldn't be kicking his feet up like he lives there. I did this with my W non-verbally (I stand at the front door during drop-offs).
Regarding the bonus, is it possible you are entitled to more than what he gave you?
I think anger helps a lot to get to the business mindset. It's not that easy to just flip a switch, hang in there.
That is so lame of him to come in and put his feet on your table. OMG. I like Unchien's suggestion of using your body to deter him from coming into your house.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I know you had hope for H and I to reconcile at some point. Several people here did, and all my closest friends did too. It wasn’t just the kindness and the affection, I don’t think, though that played a part (including up to literally a week ago). It was also several conversations he initiated in which he wavered, times he told me straight out he could see that things could be good again, etc.
Honestly? I believe that he did feel that way. Honestly? I believe that he still does. But I also now believe (as I long suspected and hoped wasn’t the case) that he is one of the weakest kind. The kind who can see there is a chance to be a happy family again, and even partly wants to make that happen, but doesn’t have the guts to take the leap. I honestly think that the way he’s been over the last few months with the affection and the texting and just the way he was looking at me, was because he felt it, things building to something good between us slowly. And I think it scared the sh!t out of him, so he ran the other way and bolstered himself safely behind the wall of a new relationship.
I am sitting in this same space, within a different context, and with actually less positive reasons for H scaring himself away--I think best case scenario in my case, it was more starting to view the work of piecing and the facing the enormity of what he'd done that was scaring him along with FOMO with AP, not any real romantic feelings towards me. And that is my generous interpretation of what happened, not the lying cheating manipulative coward who is unable to face the consequences of his own choices and so is desperately trying to figure out how to get what he wants that he doesn't really care who he hurts in the process even while he pays lip service around that. (For me, I think it is probably healthier for me to embrace scenario two than one.)
But all that being said... when you say it doesn't matter... it really doesn't. Whether he ran because he is scared or ran because he didn't see what you think he saw or because he's a weak and cowardly man who can't face what he's done. The fact remains that he did run. I think that is the hardest thing to do, especially because we are programmed to always be looking for the best in people, especially our spouses and the father of our children. That we see the positives and remember all the good parts and want so badly to be able to give our children what they want and deserve.
If he can't stand up and be that person, then there is no point to waiting around for it to happen. He isn't able to give you what YOU need and deserve right now. And from all I've read, it is really important for a daughter of a single mom to see her mom tall and proud and happy, and you need to give THAT to her more than she needs a birthday with both of you together. I've also read that children of Ded parents often fantasize for years about their parents getting back together, and I wonder if having that pseudo-family time might draw that out more. So to the extent it doesn't help you in your quest to heal and move on and show your daughter a strong, kick-a$$ mom, even if it is positive for your D in the short-term to see you two together, keep your priorities in mind. It's like giving them that candy that feels good now but is not good for them in the long run.
Finally... if it helps... remember that sacred promise he broke and is continuing to break to D4 that we both feel? Use your anger around that to fuel your letting go. I know when we get to that place, that is my white line boundary that when crossed will give me a lot of strength. Maybe sitting with that-- because I know you and I feel similarly about this-- can help you?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
