Don't be too hard on yourself. Learning to control your emotions is a difficult task. My guess he is gas lighting you trying to get you to file or ask him to leave so you're the bad gut. Stay out of his way and give him time and space. If OW is really gone then he will need time to grieve her anyways. You are at mile 1 of the marathon. The misconception is once the OP is gone things will be fine. That is actually so far from the truth.
LH - Thank you for the encouragement - everything about your statement is dead on truth. He so WANTS me to be the bad guy and kick him out....And I REALLY thought that once OW was gone, it would be different...its not. In fact, he is MORE firmly of the belief he doesnt connect with me and will never be happy with me - since he says that OW is no longer clouding his judgement (like I had said she was). Thank you for the encouragement.
Thanks Andy88!
Originally Posted by Steve85
Take your time. Let the anger subside. It is never a good way to make decisions out of emotions. Lots of LBSs have allowed their emotions, their hurt and pain, to make them make a rash decision, and then regretted it later. So take time. Let your emotions settle, And then decide how you want to proceed.
Steve -Thank you for your insight - really good advice. I have been talked off a ledge on this point. Really really appreciate that you have taken the time to stop in and drop encouragement to not give up. I need to just back off. I know I am angry right now, or was, but now just really sad.
All he does is keep telling me that he does not love me, that he will never connect with me - that he knows this in his heart. That he see's how this plays out in 5 years and he will be miserable. He says he does not even like to talk to me (big 2x4 that DBing IS the way to go) or even like me. How could he love me last year, and not love me in the least now? Are all waywards like this - saying no love, no connection, never going to work? projecting an awful future with such certainty? and the repetition of it - just over and over - its wearing me down. Do I just walk away while he is talking like that? or do I agree with him?
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
Yes, they are all this way. It is a total script. Don't let it get to you. Let it wash over you, validate, and move on with your day. Don't let him rope you into an R talk. Just focus on yourself and GAL.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I just wanted to know if it was just my wayward H that acts in this manner....its good to know they all are like this....its so painful to hear, and he just keeps repeating it and it just hurts so bad.
And he says he is so lonely and usually starts to tear up when he says that...but I am lonely too!! I told him to make playdates - and he has - going out with friend for lunch, another for dinner, going on a float trip. Sort of pisses me off, but I know that's good for him. Should I have suggested that? I was to GAL for myself but I am struggling there - and off HE goes with plans. Was that a good idea? in solving his loneliness problem, did I just screw myself?
I know I need to GAL, but quarantine and kids are just blockers (whine), and July 4th is coming up...long weekend...dreading it.
I am lonely. Don't you all get lonely?
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
Of course we get lonely! I’m a physical touch guy, so the loneliness is terribly difficult.
Quote
How could he love me last year, and not love me in the least now? Are all waywards like this - saying no love, no connection, never going to work?
Yep, standard play book. I have 10 years of continual FB posts from my wife praising me as an incredible husband, father and provider. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays - you name it, she was absolutely head over heels.
Then she hit MLC. Suddenly it was “I don’t think I ever loved you.” And “I haven’t been happy for our whole 12 year relationship.”
Standard stuff which you see time and time again on this forum. DON’T take it on board.
Blue you I have nothing but compassion for what you are going through but if I do not give it to you real the consequences can be devastating. What your husband did to you and your family was a terrible thing and unjustifiable. Affairs are acts of anger -- he has built up a ton of resentment toward you, and since he's avoidant, he hasn't given voice to any of it or worked any of it through. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, or that you deserve his resentment, it could be completely irrational, but the point is that it exists. The thing is Blue you are the one on the board trying to save your marriage and if you don't learn STFU and eat your $hit sandwiches then he is most certainly going to walk again back to OW arms.
Relationships generally fall apart for one of three reasons: (1) One partner becomes emotionally unstable for a variety of reasons, which may include mental illness, addiction, issues related to a bad childhood, etc. (2) One partner has a momentary lapse of judgement and cheats and the other partner can't forgive them, or (3) the relationship slowly degrades over time for both people.
My guess is you are in scenario three where the vicious cycle that tends to land people here -- your needs aren't being met, so you're less motivated to provide your H with what he needs. His needs aren't being met, so he's not motivated to give you what you need, and that spinning wheel eventually drives you apart until one person (or both people) decides they want out.
I have selected some recent statements by you from some recent posts. You have to put your needs aside and start trying to meet his needs. He is not coming back to the same marriage and if he does he will just be miserable. I know it [censored] because he cheated! I know it [censored] that he put you through so much pain! I am just telling you the reality of your situation.
Now in the mean time you need to get yourself healthy and give it your all so that if he walks again you will be ok with it. Everything you do is out of fear because deep down you feel like you are not enough. When you get to a place where you love yourself and know your value and you give your best to someone else then if they walk you are ok with it because you know you gave it your best.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
I let him know it was time he took it on the chin for once, I had alot of anger, and it all spewed out. Anyone over 40 is on a journey for happiness, did not give one the right to throw their loved ones under the bus.
So he decides to try again and you yell at him for 4 hours. Does that hurt recon goal or help recon goal?
Originally Posted by BlueSea
I want to cater to his MLC needs, but, at this point I want to recognize that I have needs, and start moving my name up the list
Again, I would try meeting his needs first. You are here. He is not.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
And he says he is so lonely and usually starts to tear up when he says that...but I am lonely too!! I know your lonely too but you need to be ok with it for now. [quote=BlueSea]I told him to make playdates - and he has - going out with friend for lunch, another for dinner, going on a float trip.
You are not his mother you are his W.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
Sort of pisses me off, but I know that's good for him.
You have to release the anger
Originally Posted by BlueSea
I am lonely. .
I know you are Blue and I am sorry but you are going to be lonely for a long time if you don't tighten your game up.
I just wanted to know if it was just my wayward H that acts in this manner....its good to know they all are like this....its so painful to hear, and he just keeps repeating it and it just hurts so bad.
My W was the exact same way. Though she claimed to "love" me she made it known it was a platonic, non-sexual love. She even compared me to a very unattractive guy we know, saying that when she thought of me she put me in the same category as him. That one hurt. Ain't gonna lie.
Of course a few weeks later she was initiating sex with me at an inhuman rate. So it is important to realize that while he feels that way right now, it can change in the future. The way you help that along to DB! GAL, 180s, and detachment. I cannot stress enough how much those three helped in my situation. The more I recaptured the guy I was when we met, the more I self-improve and became a better version of myself, and the more I acted "as if", didn't react emotionally to her words and deeds, and embraced moving on and her moving on........the more she slowly but surely started to come around.
Trust the process.
Originally Posted by BlueSea
And he says he is so lonely and usually starts to tear up when he says that...but I am lonely too!! I told him to make playdates - and he has - going out with friend for lunch, another for dinner, going on a float trip. Sort of pisses me off, but I know that's good for him. Should I have suggested that? I was to GAL for myself but I am struggling there - and off HE goes with plans. Was that a good idea? in solving his loneliness problem, did I just screw myself?
NO you shouldn't have. Listen. And validate. "Wow, that must be difficult for you. I understand how you feel."
Originally Posted by BlueSea
I know I need to GAL, but quarantine and kids are just blockers (whine), and July 4th is coming up...long weekend...dreading it.
I am lonely. Don't you all get lonely?
You know it already. GAL solves lonliness. If you are lonely then you aren't GAL enough. Reconnect with old friends. Find support groups. Be busy! I say this all the time, the LBSs that struggle the most are the ones that do GAL the worst. Sitting around, stewing in your own juices, and thinking about your sitch 24/7 will not move you forward.
Last edited by Steve85; 06/24/2001:18 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Kind18 - Those links are an absolute Godsend!!! It was meant for you to drop in on my thread. I have been reading thru them for the past 4 hours....that really helped a lot, so thank you! That standard play book is HILARIOUS and gruesome at the same time. I was laughing and wincing at the same time. Unless I would have found these boards would I realize that all of this is so text book! Definitely could not have gotten to this point without this support.
Stop in any time Kind18! I know you are feeling my pain with your MLC spouse. Its a never ending battle.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
LH - I hear you. I hear you - and appreciate your advice more than you know. I know I am screwing up and I just kick myself for doing this - I am not doing the right things - I am messing up in a big way - and I am scared. Before I was more angry than scared. Either way I am all over the place and need to just stop.
It should be pretty easy... "STFU and eat your $hit sandwiches"...I know. There is more going on here that I have not shared.
This is very difficult for me to post. In the hopes of creating a connection - I really thought this would be a good idea, instead it did the opposite. Its part of what is going on with me and affects where I am at.
In the past 10 days, we have had time 'together' twice. Completely different then it had ever been. -The first time: choke holds, being thrown, a lot of assault hold down type behavior. -The second: (yes, second, I thought I would just tell him that it was not my thing & that I was not up for aggression). He responded like he got it, and it started fine, but then turned into a complete non-consensual, world of pain act. I just pushed thru it. I am an adult, I opened the door for that behavior. Hard lesson learned. I put myself in a bad situation with someone I once trusted. I will not do that again. And....
For all that 'fun' I came away with an std (the antibiotic kind, not the rest of your life kind). Makes me sick to even type that. I think you called that LH, or someone here did (H told me he had been safe)- and that has really pushed me to a bad spot. It could have been worse. And I don't have the full panel back yet. So this contributes to my erratic, non DBing, angry, sad, who knows what I feel moment to moment.
I am trying to pull it together. From now on I am going to shut up and listen to the veterans. I will say I am in a bad state and I need serious breadcrumbs to know how to move forward with H now. Blue
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
I am so so sorry that this happened to you. You were extremely brave to post it here, and I’m really glad you did. As you move forward, please allow yourself to see this event for what it truly was, and try to allow yourself not to minimize it for yourself. I’m so sorry, take very good care of yourself, and please prioritize your safety, physically and emotionally.
