Am I going to disregard 10yr of my life where he was a most wonderful husband.. Just because I don't vilify doesn't mean I.. have put him on a pedestal.
Weren't you here a year and a half ago too?
I read the first page or two of your 2018 thread. "He is cold and distant", and "Trying to start arguments over a can of beans or cookies which I don't take the bait", and "He thought about sleeping with someone else just to hurt me." The forum pointed out his manipulative behavior and attempts to gaslight you.
The last quote is interesting. He was considering cheating on you over two years before he cheated on you. It wasn't one bad decision. His code of ethics is lacking in significant ways.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I always did ALL the cleaning, laundry and putting it away. Honestly I just really love doing laundry - I know what a freak I am. But, that says ---- I have to do it because I'm the only one that does it right.
You choosing to do all the cleaning and laundry doesn't say that at all. I hope that's not your takeaway! Many spouses would love a partner who enjoys and does well at laundry and cleaning. I keep my home at cleanliness level 5 of 10 and my GF prefers cleanliness level 8 of 10. Her doing extra cleaning didn't bother me unless it bothered her. It was nice, actually. Now, if you constantly called him a slob, or stopped him when he tried to clean, that's different. Stopping his attempts to clean or clean his way would be controlling.
I have a similar interest in sailing the ocean and have a similar tendency to hold on to sentimental stuff. Then a couple years ago I found a simple solution. Driving along the coast, way out in the boonies, I found a couple acres of land on a bay of water. Over an hour from the nearest town about 1000 people, so consequently relatively cheap at less than $20k. So now the plan includes a sailboat and a cheap piece of land where I can build a small coastal shack and concrete bunker. Hehehe.
Although I suspect that once I get close to actually purchasing that boat, then suddenly all that stuff will be just fine in memory and less important to physically keep. On the other hand, a concrete bunker might still be nice for the next zombie apocalypse....
Am I going to disregard 10yr of my life where he was a most wonderful husband.. Just because I don't vilify doesn't mean I.. have put him on a pedestal.
Weren't you here a year and a half ago too?
I read the first page or two of your 2018 thread. "He is cold and distant", and "Trying to start arguments over a can of beans or cookies which I don't take the bait", and "He thought about sleeping with someone else just to hurt me." The forum pointed out his manipulative behavior and attempts to gaslight you.
The last quote is interesting. He was considering cheating on you over two years before he cheated on you. It wasn't one bad decision. His code of ethics is lacking in significant ways.
I see your point. Not condoning his choice or words but sometimes when you feel hurt or wronged by someone you want to level the playing field and hurt them right back. NOW - that is not a mature way of handling things but sometimes in the heat of the moment we all can be guilty of reverting back to 5yr olds.
It took this second go round for me to "GET IT". I didn't see anything wrong with what I was doing so how could I have possibly known I was hurting him?
The threat of sleeping with someone else was a direct blow to my Achilles's heel. He knew from the moment we met that that would be the worst thing he could ever do to me...
Even in our latest sitch he went so far as again stating he would go out and sleep with someone else that very night if it was the only way I could get over him. He was very angry, under unbearable stress, extremely sleep deprived (he only had about 6hr sleep in 72hr), and felt so trapped/imprisoned at that time. He was looking for any way out of this desperate situation. He stated he wanted me hurt as badly as he was hurting.
Do I excuse his threat? No, it was mean underhanded thing to say. I have been guilty of saying something just as mean to him? Yes, sadly I have.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I always did ALL the cleaning, laundry and putting it away. Honestly I just really love doing laundry - I know what a freak I am. But, that says ---- I have to do it because I'm the only one that does it right.
Quote
You choosing to do all the cleaning and laundry doesn't say that at all. I hope that's not your takeaway! Many spouses would love a partner who enjoys and does well at laundry and cleaning. I keep my home at cleanliness level 5 of 10 and my GF prefers cleanliness level 8 of 10. Her doing extra cleaning didn't bother me unless it bothered her. It was nice, actually. Now, if you constantly called him a slob, or stopped him when he tried to clean, that's different. Stopping his attempts to clean or clean his way would be controlling.
That's just it... I refused him to his laundry. And, any time he had any griping about anything I just "but I cook and clean for you and do your laundry and make sure your lunch is packed"
In my head ^^^^^ those words and actions were because "I love you" so this is what I do for you. I do all these things so you are free to do X, Y and Z. I was doing these out of love and felt unrecognized for them... he did not always appreciate.
In my husband's head ^^^^ those words and actions were to be held over his head like a score card.
As you can see my love language is acts of service/words of appreciation. My husband's is physical touch.
I learned far to late in the game that he felt I was holding these things over his head. ONCE I figured that out I immediately stopped doing it... I mean immediately... that and something else I found out upset him which was not my intent. But, even though I stopped it was too little too late.
There were far to many negatives and not enough recent positives to fill the space in his head.
So yes, my actions did convey the message "I have to do it because I the only one that does it right". That is what was in my head and I will own it.
Since then I have S18 put away his own clothes and deal with a closet that doesn't look like I did it... LOL. Since then I have had S18 do all the grocery shopping and putting things away.
Sadly, ^^^^^ was not in time for my H to see that I was capable of change and me seeing how my behavior was really affecting others.
I own it. I keep working it. Every day. I used the last few months to really address my issues and to come out the other side better for it.
Quite honestly, Kit, I think even if you were the perfect wife etc, you would still be here because your H displays narcissistic traits and would have cheated anyway.
You can replay all the times you didn't listen to him, all the times he complained about his long commute, all the times you forgot to wake him up, all the times you messed up, and it still doesn't change the fact that what your H did is unacceptable. Period.
And now that I've seen that you 'were here years ago and he was threatening to cheat on you then? THat's straight out of the abuse playbook and now I'm even more convinced your H is messed up and it has NOTHING to do with you.
He will cheat on the new girl as well. Just wait and see.
There was some texting with my MIL. She has been actively asking to come to S18 grad party. So I texted her yesterday that official invites went out and that hopefully SS20 will be home on leave at that time so I sent his invite to his gf's place. ***I almost mentioned my H to her and let her know that he thought it would be awkward if he came to S18 party, but I completely left my H out of it.*** I'm glad I did. But, it was tempting to talk to her.
MIL responded that yes hopefully everyone gets to come... it will be grand.
Later MIL was asking what S18 was currently into, as I assume meaning a gift.
Spent the day party planning and picking up supplies. Making a list of what I still needed. I'm going to meet with my mom next week and divide up some tasks to make it easier on me.
I spent last night dealing with the urge to text him "I miss you". UGH... where is that coming from ???? Of course I miss him. But, my brain knows he is done with me and wants nothing to do with me. It would just be a big push. Thank goodness I just went to bed.
Trying to analyze where my anxiety is coming from --- he has not brought up the FO, Atty or D in over 5 weeks. Which means its due to be brought up soon. He is coming next week to pick up mail and personal paperwork from file cabinet. Will get his paperwork from his atty from his previous D trigger him to bring up our D?
Its easy for my brain to lull me into thinking that because he is not pushing as hard as he was 2months ago that maybe he doesn't want to rush any of this any longer. Maybe he is still dealing with some sort of doubt?
But, then I sit and tell myself if that were the case then he wouldn't be texting and trying to insure the cable was not in his name... if it was not why was he getting information on the bill, etc. If he was starting to have doubts about going through a second D then he wouldn't suddenly state he wasn't going to come to S18 party because it would be awkward.
Trying to solve it like a math puzzle... that's logic. But, this is emotional and no logic is going to effect that.
So I'm sitting with the idea that perhaps I should just move things forward? That puts me in control and then I no longer spend my time thinking... is this the day he texts/calls about D? Or, I get a notice that he finally has atty? But, the thought of all that work is exhausting to me... very exhausting. I will admit that I've been behaving like an ostrich with my head in the sand... i just don't want to acknowledge it let alone deal with it.
Then the other half of me is like... what if I fast track everything... and he was really trying to sit with his feelings and figure things out but I derail that by pushing it forward?
Believe nothing he says... and 50% of what he does. Does that still apply in my situation????
He wanted to be done so badly in the beginning. There was so much anger. If he is dragging his feet now... any hope that he is doubting his current choices?
Either way I'm thankful I did not give in last night and stuck it out. Maybe I need to have my AD's upped.
He left. He is involved with someone else. There has been zero effort to make any kind of positive moved toward me... NOT EVEN HINTING AT IT.
I will get through S18 Grad Party because if MIL is there and my H's side of the family I want to keep it as stress free as possible.
I had already planned to tell H when he comes by next week that I understand his concerns about coming to the party and while I wish he would participate the choice is 100% up him and walk away. I don't want him to feel any pressure from me.... and who knows maybe its OW who pressured him into having a change in his plans that up until this week were still in him coming.
I'm tired of seconding guessing myself.
After the party I will contact my atty and move things forward.
He is coming next week to pick up mail and personal paperwork from file cabinet. Will get his paperwork from his atty from his previous D trigger him to bring up our D?
Maybe. And so? After he picks up his things from your porch--no live interactions--if he texts you about D you can wait a few hours to reply, as usual. Ask "Does having a chat with my ex about D align with my interests?" If no, then simplest is to ignore him or direct him to your attorney. Strip him of his power over you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Then the other half of me is like... what if I fast track everything... and he was really trying to sit with his feelings and figure things out but I derail that by pushing it forward?
If he were on the fence, losing you as Plan B would generally make you more attractive.
(I haven't seen much to indicate he's on the fence.)
I spent last night dealing with the urge to text him "I miss you". UGH... where is that coming from ???? Of course I miss him. But, my brain knows he is done with me and wants nothing to do with me. It would just be a big push. Thank goodness I just went to bed.
Your brain wants you to pursue to so it can alleviate the pain your are in right now. Understand why this is happening and understand pursuit will make matters worse and just sit with it.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Trying to analyze where my anxiety is coming from --- he has not brought up the FO, Atty or D in over 5 weeks. Which means its due to be brought up soon. He is coming next week to pick up mail and personal paperwork from file cabinet. Will get his paperwork from his atty from his previous D trigger him to bring up our D?
There is no sense fearing the future because it's uncertain right now and will always be uncertain.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Its easy for my brain to lull me into thinking that because he is not pushing as hard as he was 2months ago that maybe he doesn't want to rush any of this any longer. Maybe he is still dealing with some sort of doubt?
It's doing it's job by trying to protect you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
But, then I sit and tell myself if that were the case then he wouldn't be texting and trying to insure the cable was not in his name... if it was not why was he getting information on the bill, etc. If he was starting to have doubts about going through a second D then he wouldn't suddenly state he wasn't going to come to S18 party because it would be awkward.
That's your logical brain and it is more reliable right now.
Originally Posted by KitCat
So I'm sitting with the idea that perhaps I should just move things forward? That puts me in control and then I no longer spend my time thinking... is this the day he texts/calls about D? Or, I get a notice that he finally has atty? But, the thought of all that work is exhausting to me... very exhausting. I will admit that I've been behaving like an ostrich with my head in the sand... i just don't want to acknowledge it let alone deal with it.
Push it forward only if it benefits you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Then the other half of me is like... what if I fast track everything... and he was really trying to sit with his feelings and figure things out but I derail that by pushing it forward?
Highly unlikely. Again, only if it benefits you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
[b]Believe nothing he says... and 50% of what he does. Does that still apply in my situation????
Look at his actions.
Originally Posted by KitCat
He wanted to be done so badly in the beginning. There was so much anger. If he is dragging his feet now... any hope that he is doubting his current choices?
This again is your brain looking for some relief. Do you want me to tell you he is having second thoughts? How would that change things? Then you will be hung up in the denial phase longer. You have to go through the process one way or another.
I had already planned to tell H when he comes by next week that I understand his concerns about coming to the party and while I wish he would participate the choice is 100% up him and walk away...
Why?! This screams "non-essential contact". The stove, so soon?
