I was here many years ago moved past that relationship and am very glad I learned a few lessons. I come back here as I find my self in a different situation and am needing some guidance.
When I left my ex 5 years ago I was in IC and attending Al-Anon meetings to heal some codpendency and adult child issues. I have since discontinued attending both however I stay in contact with my sponsor. I am very aware I should have stuck that out and continued going. I still have a lot of self work to do. I had actually committed to being single forever after the last situation however....
Sep. 2016-As for the situation I am currently in. I moved home when I left my ex H for a while. I left with nothing but my clothes and my D12's clothes. I needed to get back on my feet. I was sitting outside one afternoon 4 years ago on the phone when a gentleman showed up on the sidewalk. I got off the phone asked him what he needed. He was there to work on something for my dad. I of course stayed outside as my dad was not yet home to keep an eye on things. This guy and I started talking (Im 34 and he is 39... my dad met him at a second job and they were friends). The first day I met him we walked around working on the camper and laughing and joking. I had never had an instant connection with anyone like that before. It was like we had known each other our whole lives. As he was leaving that night he asked me what I was making him for dinner the following night. He had more work to do apparently. I offered to make spaghetti. He said he would be there around 530 showed up at 430 and we worked on the camper a little more and he joined us for dinner. We spent the whole evening just talking, laughing and working. Found out he actually lives in a house I used to live in as a kid. It was all just very strange.
The first day I met this guy gave me his address, invited me to a hockey game, and we talked about our R status. It was a whirlwind few days. He mentioned he was not married and neither was I. I assumed of course this meant he was single. We chatted a lot over social media I mean 100+ messages a day for a few weeks and then he mentioned he had a gf. I called him out immediately and said I clearly asked that. He reminded me of course that I asked if he had been married. He skirted around the truth. I immediately told him we could not talk I was not going to be the other woman. That was a trait of the past relationship I left. He agreed we should not talk. I made it clear I wanted to respect his R and I had enough Respect for us both to just walk away. It would not affect his friendship with my dad. We dont speak for a few days and he reaches out and says we can talk it just needs to be appropriate. I am of course hesitant of this. I again state I just want to keep it respectful.
The next day I get a message saying I just can not NOT talk to you. We need to talk. So he explains the situation with his GF. She is an addict and things have been bad for a long time but he does not want to just kick her out as she will be on the streets. We have a long conversation about the whole situation agree to keep it as just friends until he figures things out.
2017-Throughout the year there becomes a pattern....They break up he speaks to me they get back together he blocks me. I allow this to go on for a year. (Yes Im aware 2x4 lost a ton of respect here) I call him out on it again. I will not tolerate people who are in and out of my life. Of course he says it wont happen anymore blah blah blah. So we are now into a year and a half of this awful pattern where He shows up at house about every 6 months or so just to talk, especially when they are fighting. I try keep it to just speaking as friends but of course at times it becomes not just friendly chatter. When we are speaking its 100 messages a day then its silent. About 1.5 years into this mess (IDK what to even call it) i get blocked for 4 months. At this point im like OK this is over. I am working 2 jobs at the time and raising a kid. I lay down for a quick nap one afternoon and my phone goes off. 4 MONTHS LATER (probably should have stayed NC)
He apologizes says he saw my dad somewhere and it made him think he should apologize. He states he understands if I do not want to speak with him and if I want to call him names under my breath. I of course answer him we talk a bit I find out she moved out again and its like we never missed a beat. This 4 months was the longest I had been blocked usually it was a week or 2. Of course a few months later he lets her back in but does not block me we keep talking.They had a preplanned trip to another state to see her kids that were taken away for winter break. He promises me I will not get blocked they were not together and he will keep it fair to everyone he had already paid for the trip so he was going. I of course end up blocked again for the two weeks he was gone. He sends me a message the day he gets back letting me know he is home safe and we will talk soon. At some point during this year we did make out but it was a point when they were split up she had been moved out. So at this point this friendship takes a step across the line.
2018 things continue to be off an on with this GF of his and he continues his pattern of blocking and unblocking. I continue to be forgiving and just try to understand that this a situation he feels kind of stuck in. I again attempt to put a boundary in that it needs to be just a friends relationship until he figures things out and I will be patient. I know what its like being twisted with an addict. He assures me I just need to be patient while he figures all of this out he assures me he will figure things out and is very appreciative of my support and friendship during all of this.
2019 She finally gets arrested and he kicks her out for good in February. Of course he mourns the final ending of this relationship and apparently decides he is going to act like a 20 year old. We hang out a few times (like still every 4-6 months he would stop by and that was it) We still talked a few times a week and sometimes daily but I could tell something shifted in the dynamics. He suddenly became the exact opposite of the man I met. He began drinking several nights a week stopped working side jobs and started frequenting the bar. Our conversations turned into me prying him to talk and/or a few answers here and there. Occasionally we would talk 30-40 messages a day or so but nothing like we did prior. I chopped it up to he is just mourning the change in his life and finding his own way out of this mess. I was finally allowed at his house once or twice this year. He has always said he does not like having people there and because the EX would just show up randomly to cause problems he generally did not allow people out there.
Dec 2019- he comes over to have a drink and ends up staying until 3AM. This is the first time we actually spend a large amount of time together. He was drinking I was sober and we just laid around on the couch and watched tv all night. I did not allow anything more than that to happen.
2020- I have not been blocked since early 2019. We continue to talk in small amounts typically. In February and March I spent 3-4 evenings out at the house laying around on the couch and of course some making out. This was quite a bit of time for us to spend together as usually its 3-4 times a year and maybe an hour or two. He spent that month on a "diet" and was sober so he was more often. Of course as soon as the diet ended and he could go out again he was quieter. Of course COVID came mid March, which is also his bday. The bars actually closed a day before his bday. He works across the street from the grocery store I shop at. On his birthday my daughter and I met him there on his lunch break with a card and cake. She asked to go see his work so he allowed us over there. It was very strange because anytime I have asked him to meet me at his work he always just says we can meet at the store. I saw this as a positive. It was just about a year of him breaking free. We talked a little but due to COVID and both of us working still we kind of stayed away from each other.
April 2020- He of course goes out gets very intoxicated and sends me a message in the middle of the night. Asks me to come out to the house and spend some time with him. I of course get up and head out because I have not seen him in over a month. We are laying around watching TV and end up sleeping together that night. I had never stayed at the house but he was insistent that he did not mind and I could stay. No big deal I got up and left when he got up for work. I had been quiet for a few days and he finally contacted me. Apparently he was out drinking with my dad a female friend. My dad informs me a few days later he was helping him work on something. I said NOTHING to my dad about this girl he was with as my "friend" had not hid who he was with. My dad ADAMANTLY blurts out that they are just friends and she is quarantining there as she lives in a big city and he lives in the country. I did NOT ask my dad anything as I do not involve my dad in anything regarding this person. I generally believe my dad thinks we are just friends. It was just very strange how adamant my dad was especially without being asked. I then asked my "friend" what was going on and when his "house guest" was leaving (this is what he referred to her as). He states she should be gone in a week. I again go quiet for two weeks.
May 2020 I get a message on a Sunday early evening he is clearly drinking and we just laugh and joke like 60 messages back and forth he ends up staying at his male friends house. I ask about his house guest and why she is still there. He just says she wont leave and it does not matter because he is not there anyways. They end up taking a three day trip to Oklahoma. This is not out of the ordinary for him. He and I have planned a trip to another state this winter and he travels with friends frequently. I do not speak to him while he is gone. I am kind of distant with him because I am not sure what is going on it seems odd to me this girl is just staying for this long.
June 2020 he decides to show up in the middle of the night again after drinking. My D is not home so we go in and are watching tv and end up sleeping together again. We spent a few hours prior to this happening talking. I of course ask why this girl is still there and ask if he slept with her or something to make her stay. He insists he did not that his best friend did and he was planning to make her leave. I do not say a word to him for a few days, as one thing i know I need to change in general not just with him is that i can be clingy and pushy. I ended up talking to him toward the end of the week. He is very adamant during our talk that she does not sleep in bed with him if he sleeps in bed she is on the couch if he lays on the couch she sleeps in the bed. He is adamant there is nothing going on between them that they are just friends and he will make her leave when he is sick enough of it and he does not care if it ruins their friendship. I have no real reason not to believe him. I asked very direct questions he could not skirt around. The only time he has done that is when i asked if he was married. He has always been very straight forward if I ask direct questions.
I have been quiet for about 10 days now as I would like to see if he makes contact with me. The first time I did this it took him 3 weeks to make contact with me. When I made the same choice just to back a way a little in April it took him about two weeks to reach out and then we ended up sleeping together. I am NOT doing this as a way to manipulate the situation. I made a choice after this last time we slept together at the beginning of June that I needed to DETACH a little and look at this situation with more clarity. i needed to take some time to figure out why I am still waiting for this man. I need to figure out if I want to keep waiting or walk away. I stayed a part of his life while he worked through leaving his GF and was always adamant I would support any decision he made whether that was stay or go. I also stayed for the last year while he did a 180 and decided to act like a 20 year old and drink. I wanted to give him time to mourn his last relationship and not jump into another. I want him to take the time he needs but I have needs and wants also.
I have given this many plenty of outs. Plenty of chances to walk away. Heck I was blocked for 4 months he never had to say a word I would not have even tired after that. I accepted the friendship was over. I have told him several times all he has to do is speak up and I will gladly walk away. He never does and he generally reaches out when I attempt to detach.
I try not to pry to much into what he is doing as this has not been a committed relationship. However one thing he was always adamant with me about in the beginning was that he does not have sex with people he does not care about. I would like to believe he sticks to this core value and I am the only one he is having sex with. He seems adamant he is not sleeping with this other friend and its not like he can bring people home with her there. He does not even let me come out to the house.
I did give into a codependent behavior and drove by today to see if she was still there. Of course her vehicle was still there. I was tempted to just ask if she was still there but I decided my peace and detachment was more important right now. It is not like I can force him to make her leave or control the situation. I do believe what he is telling me 100% because I am positive he would be honest with me or just stop speaking to me as he has in the past.
I know my situation is much different from most people here as most you you are married or at least in committed relationships. I guess I am here to fix myself and figure out if I want to keep waiting on this relationship. It seems so strange to me that in someways this "relationship" has advanced just very very slowly. It has become more physical and less emotional. In the beginning it was most certainly and emotional relationship and now it has become slightly more physical. I am honestly not sure what I want to do part of me wants to walk away and be like sorry I have stood by you long enough and part of me understands where exactly he is. A year after I left I wanted nothing to do with a relationship until he was dropped out of nowhere on my sidewalk.
I have set a year as my re-evaluation period. I want to do some major self work and some detaching and see what happens. I am certainly willing to make a decision before that year if I need.
Sorry for the long post and it my situation does not fit on the boards please just let me know. I know I slacked off an only made changes the last time because i wanted to save my marriage. This time I want to work extra hard and make the changes permanent and for me.
You want to be happy with your romantic relationship, like everyone else here.
Originally Posted by Rdy2Change
April 2020- He of course goes out gets very intoxicated and sends me a message in the middle of the night.. end up sleeping together
May 2020 I get a message on a Sunday early evening he is clearly drinking and we just laugh and joke like 60 messages back and forth
June 2020 he decides to show up in the middle of the night again after drinking. My D is not home so we go in and are watching tv and end up sleeping together again.
Magic Decoder Ring: He's not wooing you with romantic dates, he's chatting you up when he's drunk and then having sex with you. You're not the woman he dreams about settling down with. Even for a casual relationship, there may be better matches than someone calling you monthly when they're intoxicated.
Originally Posted by Rdy2Change
I immediately told him we could not talk I was not going to be the other woman. That was a trait of the past relationship I left.
It sounds like you tend to date unavailable men.
CoffeMeetsBagel, eHarmony, Match, Tinder, etc. are full of available men.
Maybe only 10% of your dates will be compatible, but that's 5 months instead of 1 year, and most of those dates can be fun if you approach it with a sense of humor. Yes, there will be duds.
I did want to add. I have read both DR and DB. I think I should probably read them again. I wanted to also add at the beginning of June when he stopped by and we were talking we did have a small conversation about his drinking. I have commented on it before. This is a conversation that has come up. He says he is not an alcoholic he is just a binge drinker. While part of me agrees another part of me is not certain I agree with that statement. This is a sudden change (I almost consider it his MLC in a way). He is adamant he does not drink to drink away his problems he just enjoys drinking. I am not sure what to take from that.
I also want to be clear I am certain he knows where I stand and what I want from this situation. He recently (In March I believe) as we were laying on the couch mentioned he does not put much effort into many things...I commented back I am very aware but I am not going to down that path....He then responded I just lobed a softball your way and your not even going to take it? I changed the subject. That comment in itself tells me he knows exactly where I stand. He knows he is not putting in the effort he could/should/wants/ to I am not even sure.
One other thing. He is 39 years old and no kids. Several years ago he left his fiance at the alter, she had cheated on him twice I believe. I do believe he has forgiven this woman. He has mentioned before that every once in a while they talk because she knows him so well. He understands how their relationship failed. He worked overnight and overtime to make ends me she was in vet school and it just did not work. He then had another gf who was not good to him either. Then the third one was an addict. He has had a rough few relationships so I do understand his lack of commitment.
Again I know my situation is different from others here. I am wanting this man to commit to a R and move forward with both of our lives. To a point I do feel like I am in limbo in ways also. I guess In a way we have always been in at least an emotional relationship and I want to see if we can move it to more of a committed relationship. I know I need to work on me first so if it moves in that direction it can begin on healthier terms. I have spend 4 years in this "limbo" something has to change.
I do also do some mind reading, he has always stated my D is his favorite and my D adores him as well. Of course I try to keep most of their contact limited as this is not the best R at the moment to show her. However part of me wonders if he keeps this distance because he fears having to raise a child. He has no children of his own. Many times though he will joke that he would rather hang out with her than me. We even jokingly call her is princess.
I have some large goals I will be working on this week to break down into manageable goals. 1. Work through some more co-dependency and FOO 2. Find and IC 3. I am working on changing my eating habits and some weight loss I was 30 pounds heavier when I met him but I still have 30-40 I want to lose 4. I would like to be a more present when with my D. I feel like we have such busy lives we get distracted 5. more GAL (my D and I were doing a lot of small outdoor travel around our state and some hiking at different parks and in the last week or 2 I have gotten lazy about it) 6. I am also in Nursing school so I have some goals there also
I immediately told him we could not talk I was not going to be the other woman. That was a trait of the past relationship I left.
It sounds like you tend to date unavailable men.
CWarrior- I am glad you pointed this out. I guess I should have been more clear in that statement. I was in a 17 year off and on R with what I thought was my HS Sweetheart. Very not true. That R was very toxic. He had at least 5 Affairs over the years and he always came crawling back and I allowed myself to be the OP each time instead of making him end the other R first. Yes he was usually "an unavailable man" however this was our dynamic for many years. Finally he had the last A 5 years ago and I walked away for good. I have not been the OP in anyone else's R. It was just the dynamic I allowed for way to many years in the past. Lesson, I thought, learned. That was why I tried to set that boundary right away with this guy.
I clearly had trouble adhering to it.
In the past when I was in IC this however was a topic that was discussed and I shied away from. I wonder if it is a FOO thing. My father was an alcoholic and clearly very emotionally unavailable also. I can not remember one time he attended anything for school or participated really in any way of our lives. Fortunately after they divorced my dad was a brand new person. It was like day and night. I believe my parents relationship was also very very toxic and co-dependent. Apple did not fall far from the tree......
rdy2chg: your story is so sad. You don't value yourself, that much is clear. This man sounds like a nightmare. Step away from the drama and toxicity of being constantly flung about emotionally by him. Better to be alone than tolerate this behaviour. Get some good counselling, you are not in a fit state for a relationship right now. And probably never with this man.
Rdy, wow that was painful for me. Painful because......I've been there. More on that in a minute.
First you mention AA. You mentioned you stopped going. What you don't mention is if you are still drinking or not. Are you? Another way I relate to your post is that I am a former alcoholic. I have now been sober for 26 years (wow! over half my lfe!). And I can honestly tell you that the best decision I ever made was to fix my addiction, move on from it and never look back. I do not miss alcohol even in the slightest! When I was a drunk, every day I woke up was painful, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Living without alcohol is so much less painful! I love getting up in the morning clear-headed and ready to be productive! I encourage you to do whatever it takes to overcome your addiction if you are still struggling with it. Your life will be so much better for it.
Now, back to why reading your situation hurt to read. I have mentioned on this forum several times about a decades long on-again, off-again relationship I had with a girl/woman. I don't know what it was about me that she kept for so long reeling me back in, but there was an emotional pull there. It started with her in the early 80s when we were in grade school, and it continued right up until about 10 years ago.
But the pattern was the same. Throughout the 80s she would make me think we were going to be in a R, but what she really wanted was just friendship. She knew I would never settle for that, so she would dangle the R in front of me. In the mid 80s she met a BF and they had a long-term R, but throughout the behavior you mention would go on. I wouldn't hear from her for weeks, then they'd break up and she'd come calling. I'd get my hopes up that this time it would be different, then she'd go dark again when they got back together.
In the early 90s, I finally started moving on. I started dating. Had a couple of Rs with other girls and this drove her nuts. She was insane with jealousy. In 1990, because I had moved on she wouldn't leave me alone and our friendship deteriorated into being very contentious. In 1991 I met this gorgeous girl from another country and we started dating. This "friend" was insane with jealousy. When the girl went back to her country after a few months, and our R was over because of it, this "friend" suddenly went dark again.
During this dark period she met her now husband and finally broke it off with the loser she had been with since the mid-80s. When I found out about that it was a slap in the face. I had always believed that if she could ever leave the loser, we could be together. But here I was single, and she finally dumped him.....for another guy! It really opened my eyes to a truth I am going to share with you below.
For the next few years, the same thing occurred as in your situation. She'd call a talk about how her relationship with her future H wasn't good, and what was possible for us. At first I would fall for it, but then when she'd go dark I'd kick myself for letting me get my hopes up. I dated dozens of people during those years. In the mid 90s she called me saying how her and her BF were going to break up because he was taking a job hours away, and she wanted to be with me. She wanted to kiss me again (all we ever did was kiss). 2 weeks later she called back and it was all small talk and pleasantries. I finally asked what happened with the job and her response was odd: "What job?" I reminded her of the job that her BF was going to take and she said "Oh,. he didn't take it."
Those phone calls let me really move on, and I dated a lot of girls over the next year before I met my now W. This friend continued to try to engage with me, calling me at work, etc even as she married her BF, and I married my W. I finally told her that I wasn't comfortable talking to her now that we were both married, and she stopped calling. Then her dog died and she called me again after a couple of years. I could tell she was thrilled to be back in contact with me. She started calling regular again. I took another assignment at work and was away from my desk alot, so after a few years of calling me every 4week to 3 months, she finally stopped calling.
Several years went by until she found me on MySpace (by the way, I hate SM and now refuse to use it at all!), and asked for my cell phone #. My Nice Guy Syndrome didn't allow me to say no, and the pattern started again. Within a couple of years she was back to calling me regularly. And eventually the talk turned to her wondering what it would be like ot have an A with me. I made it clear I was not open to that, that I felt if people put the energy of an affair into their marriage then their marriage would be improved. She went dark on me again, only contacting me every 6 months or so. I found out later that she had an affair with another guy we had grown up. When that A ended she started calling me a lot more.
Things were bad in my MR and this time I relented. It evolved into an EA. Though a lot of the same cycle was going on with her. She eventually get into sexual talk, even talk about us meeting, but then she'd back off again. Finally after a year and a half I pulled the plug and told her I was done with the EA and talk of a PA. Since then she has continued to occasionally call and text. Sometimes I take the calls or responds, sometimes I don't, but to her credit except for a couple of attempts, she has kept it on the up and up. And her MR now seems better.
The bottom line through all of this was a simple truth, and I think this is the case in your situation too. She just wasn't that into me. While she liked having me in her life, she didn't see me as a potential. Look at facts, she left her longtime BF and started her R with her now H, despite acting like for years that if she could ever leave the loser, then we could be together. Then she had a PA with another guy, and never allowed (thankfully now!) our EA to progress to a PA. The answer is as clear as the nose on my face.
So the truth is, this guy just isn't into you. The addict GF. Then acting weird about allowing you over. Now a "house guest" (sorry, ain't buying that!), he likes you as a friend. But doesn't see you as a potential. I know that hurts to face, I've been there. But I would hate to see you waste anymore time waiting for this guy.
If I could do it over again, I would have made sure that this "friend" of mine didn't have my contact information. I highly suggest you get a new phone number, and if he shows up tell him you are through with him. To quote my mom: if it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. Your best move is to move on.
You seem like a sweet person. I am sure you have a lot to offer someone that was into you. One thing I learned through the nearly 40 years that she has done this dance with me is that finding someone you are crazy about isn't what is important. What you should be doing is finding someone that is crazy for you! If you want true happiness, that is what you will do. Find someone that is willing to move mountains to be with you. Short of that, you are just asking for R problems down the line.
Hope this helped.
Last edited by Steve85; 06/18/2001:18 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
girls and guys communicate certain things differently and we have all been guilty of seeing what we want to see instead of what is really there. Detachment allows us to process situations logically and is the biggest thing stopping you from seeing this as it is.
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He just says she wont leave and it does not matter because he is not there anyways.
Mhmm.
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I of course ask why this girl is still there and ask if he slept with her or something to make her stay. He insists he did not that his best friend did and he was planning to make her leave.
Mhmm..
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He is adamant there is nothing going on between them that they are just friends and he will make her leave when he is sick enough of it and he does not care if it ruins their friendship. I have no real reason not to believe him.
Mhmm....
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However one thing he was always adamant with me about in the beginning was that he does not have sex with people he does not care about. I would like to believe he sticks to this core value and I am the only one he is having sex with.
This one really stood because his core value is he has to care about you to sleep with you, and this does not restrict him from caring about multiple women.
This stuff is close, but it doesn't add up. He gets it close, but not all the way there, so that he has an out, an "AHA, but I didn't actually say that I said XYZ not XY". You know this in your heart of hearts. Healthy R's don't make it to this board.
There are lots of men out there who will pursue a normal, healthy relationship. You aren't looking for them in the right places and instead you are shacked up with this guy who is incapable of giving you a normal, healthy relationship. Forget about this guy and move on with your life. He may never get it together. Get your life together so that when Mr. Right shows up you are healthy enough to realize it.
Good luck!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
This stuff is close, but it doesn't add up. He gets it close, but not all the way there, so that he has an out, an "AHA, but I didn't actually say that I said XYZ not XY". You know this in your heart of hearts. Healthy R's don't make it to this board.
SO TRUE!! My "friend" did the same thing to me. She'd say things that could be taken two ways. If I took it meaning there was a chance for us, she'd claim "no that's not what I meant". If I took it the other way, she'd down the line claim "well I hinted to you that I wanted more but when I said X, but you never acted on it". Lies, manipulations, and half truths litter her communications with me over the years.
I remember one time (30 years ago) her showing up at my house one night. There was a female get together my mom was hosting, and since she was friends with my cousin she was invited. I was leaving to go stay at a buddy's and go fishing the next morning. She showed up at the house early and wanted to talk. This was in the period where I had really started to move on from her. We sat down to talk privately and she kept saying she wanted to know what I wanted. I struggled with wanting to move on at that point, so I just kept to myself. Finally she leaned over and kissed me very deeply and passionately.
The next week I was at function, and she was their.......with her BF. When she confronted me weeks later about avoiding her, I told her, "You keep sending mixed messages! You kiss me like I've never been kissed before....and then the next week you show up at X with -redacted-!".
Ready for what she told me. You are going to love this.
"Oh, when I kissed you that night that, I thought was a kiss goodbye............."
Yeah right. That's why when I said to her as we were parting, "I'll call you." And she said, "Good."
Reliving that hurts, and makes me angry at myself.
I could give other examples. Like after the EA, during one of her tries to restart it, I asked her how after the EA we could go back to being friends. She said: "We don't have to."
I never reacted to it. If I took that mean she wanted to resume the EA, then she would claim she didn't mean it that way. If I brought it up later that she was saying she agreed we shouldn't be friends any more, she'd claim "when I said that I meant we could go back to the EA."
Double-faced...................
Last edited by Steve85; 06/18/2003:02 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Dillydaf- I could not agree more. I have a very low self esteem always always have. I grew up in a very rough home full of complete alcoholism, abuse, and co-dependency. I was raising my siblings by age 8. Absolutely no excuse I should have done to work the first time. I chose not to. I would like to find that person I know I can be. In fact before I met him I had found some of that confidence. I think that is why in the beginning I was able to attempt a boundary. Now I just take all his crap no matter what. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I will certainly accept any help I can get right now. I want to work hard.
.Steve- I am so grateful you responded. I have been reading the boards again for a while and I appreciate your honesty. I did mention Al-Anon not AA. I actually rarely drink as I come from a loooooong line of alcoholics and addicts. Alcoholism is prevalent on both sides of my family. My father, during my younger years, was a raging alcoholic, very abusive, and very co-dependent with my mother. I was not with my parents as an infant my grandparents raised me for 2 years as my parents were active duty. My grandma refused to give me back saying they were bad parents (there may have been some truth there). so from 2 to 13 when my parents finally D i lived with all types of physical and emotional abuse and neglect. There were times there was no food, my dad threatened to shoot my mom, physical abuse was practically daily. My brother and sister have both been alcoholics and both currently abuse prescription drugs and have dabbled in hard street drugs. After my parents divorced my father never laid a hand on any of us I did not have a relationship with him until I moved home so I did not really see most of his changes. However my siblings were very spoiled my him. I have very little contact with my mom as she remains co-dependent and very unhealthy. She is the one person I generally can detach from. I have a lot of FOO to work through I am very aware of that.
I absolutely agree he is not into me as a potential person to settle down with. I am very aware the dynamics must change whether that means I walk away or we make a commitment to a R. I am also very aware the first option is most likely. I have spent a long time in this dynamic, 4 years, I can assure you as I was typing up the first post I honestly was shocked at the amount of time I had been in this dynamic. It is insane. I really want to take the next year to get my self healthier and detach a lot more so I can also see the situation clearly. I of course do have HOPE that if I can gain some respect back and find myself again, become AWOAFWL it may change this dynamic but I do know I will survive if it does not. 2 years ago I would have been a mess and said its all meant to be and blah blah so I am coming around to the idea.
I thought I learned a lesson the last time, after spending 17 years playing this game with the guy before this. However CLEARLY I did NOT. Clearly this is a problem with me and my own self worth. I decided to do it again with another man. I probably should learn sooner or later.
Ovr- Detachment is certainly the problem. I am consistently drug back into the dynamic by my own choice. I go quiet he reaches out I pursue he pushes away. This is one of the 180's I would like to work on. I am not sure going silent is the complete answer but I do not mind if he reaches out waiting some time before answering and ending the conversation first. I also have no problem declining some of his invitations especially late at night.
I have struggled with why this girl remains there and of course he has reasonable explanations however this was one reason I was willing to work on me and distance myself a little from the situation. I do not want to continue pursing a R if he is going to live with another female whether that be just friends or not.
I am not ready to just throw the towel in and walk away as I know I have caused my share of the problems in this situation by not being healthy myself however I am absolutely wanting to detach and get a clear head. This is a mess. It is even more confusing because as I stated we have spent more time in the last 6 months together than we have in probably a 2 year span. I understand everyone in my sitch needs some time.
I am sure at some point I will also look back and feel not very good about the situation. I am hopeful I can fix myself enough to be confident in my decision either way.
Do the same DB rules apply in my situation? I feel it is so very different. I know I have behaviors I can change (pursing, always available, most often the first to speak, keeping conversations going, ect) I know I can also work on many changes for myself. But do I need to go NC or can I respond if he reaches out maybe just wait an hour or two? It is not like we fight or live in the same house so I am not clear what to do to help support what I want and support what is healthy also. Is GAL all that important in my situation other than to keep me busy? it is not like he asks what I am doing or would even know if I am home or not. I am certain he does not drive by.
Also just a little more background on him. If it matters. I do know he has some pretty tough times in life. Did not enjoy high school. When I met him 4 years ago (so he was 35) he had lost both his mom and dad but still has some contact with his step dad. He is pretty close with his grandma and I believe his brother. He is very close with his niece and nephew both are young under 10. I have never met any of his family and only one of his friends in person. I know he has had some pretty crappy R in the past so I also wonder if he has some co-dependency issues. Which I understand are his and his alone. Unfortunately however this is likely how this situation got to where it is. Neither of us seems very healthy. If he was healthy he would have walked away and same with me.
I will post more tonight. D12 and I are off for some shopping. She needs a new swimsuit and then 3.5 hours of gymnastics. Hopefully I can get my 10,000 steps in today. I have been slacking.
I am not ready to just throw the towel in and walk away as I know I have caused my share of the problems in this situation by not being healthy myself however I am absolutely wanting to detach and get a clear head.
A healthy you, AWOAFWL would not stick around for 5 years eating breadcrumbs and hoping this man will change.
You want to be healthy, start doing healthy things. Simple, but hard at the same time.
Just tell him what you want and if he says no, no matter how he says it or how many words, you walk.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
