Thank you both for the suggestions. I’ll keep a close eye on things with S2.
For the sake of having a complete record of this weird journey, I wanted to journal a couple of things I’ve recalled lately. I think a lot of the early months after BD were blocked out. This is all immaterial now and I don’t want to dwell, but I don’t want to forget either.
The first one. X avoided his parents for two or three months after BD. They met with me several times to try to get a sense of what in the world was happening. I was still somewhat stunned by his sudden departure and had no inkling there was OW. All he had told his parents was that we were on a break. They immediately asked (not being as naive as I) if there was someone else and he apparently scoffed at the mere question of such a ridiculous notion. When they saw me later, they pressed for details and I hesitated, wanting to protect X and not wanting to hurt his mother by listing the cruel things her son had given as his reasons for leaving. That I was lazy and boring, bad company and bad in bed, had never been good enough for him, and wasn’t the wife he deserved. I gave them a sanitised version and simply told them he felt he had settled for me. His dad replied “That’s funny, because we always though you settled for him.”
The second one. About six weeks after he walked out, X made the final decision to end the break and officially divorce. This happened during a talk with my stepdad, who had reached out to counsel X. My stepdad asked if X wanted him to pass on a message to me. X apparently believed this was an acceptable way for me to find out my marriage was over. Stepdad came straight to my house to hold my hand and walk me through the conversation. I asked stepdad later if X had mentioned S1 at all during this two-hour conversation and the answer was “not once”. Later I messaged X asking him to please tell me this himself because I was in a lot of pain. He ignored me for days until he couldn’t avoid coming to see S1 any longer. When I asked him to take S1 to daycare so we could talk, he said “I didn’t come here to talk to you, I came to see S1.” Incredulously, I asked if this was not kind of important and he said “not really”.
The last one. X organised a settlement discussion shortly after the above events. He knew I wanted to keep the house we spent the last five years building, and made no bones about the fact he couldn’t care less, because he was desperate to get my settlement funds as soon as possible. I asked my stepdad to mediate. X was like a brick wall throughout the discussion. I cried and had to leave the room multiple times while he sat in silence. My stepdad let me speak my truth while X occasionally made passive-aggressive comments like “are we talking or are you just gonna attack me?” At one point I sobbed and told X that I had thought about ending my life every day since he left me to care for S1 alone. He stared at the floor and said nothing. Even knowing the depth of my pain, he was still not willing to be honest about leaving me for OW. Even knowing that my stepdad’s first wife left him for their mutual best friend, and that it nearly killed him, and he lost custody of his adored daughters as a result, X sat there with a sad look on his face and assured my stepdad there was nobody else.
I know there are hundreds of identical stories on here and elsewhere. Worse stories too. I just wanted to purge this ugliness from my mind.
His dad replied “That’s funny, because we always though you settled for him.”
Glad your ex-in-laws have a clear picture of their son!
They ALL lie about having an OW, even when caught in the act. I had her picture and their communications UP ON MY EX's LAPTOP and he tried to deny his affair. (That didn't last more than a minute, but really? LOL).
They cannot accept responsibility for their actions - if they did, they would approach us in a mature way, but what mature person starts an affair before they end their marriage anyway?
They ALL lie about having an OW, even when caught in the act. I had her picture and their communications UP ON MY EX's LAPTOP and he tried to deny his affair. (That didn't last more than a minute, but really? LOL).
Good on you for not dwelling and yet not forgetting.
Very strong of, and good for you to share. There is something freeing about sharing such a painful event with those who understand. (((scout)))
In time, and sharing, the ugliness passes, yet the event, the facts, the memories remain without pain. These kind of life events build or break a person - it’s a choice to face it or not. MLCers do not, LBSers usually do. Glad to see you so strong.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you for the virtual hug. It doesn't pain me much any more. On the scale of gaping wound to scar, these memories are about bruise-level. I only flinch when it is poked
After reading various different threads lately, it occurred to me how thankful I am to have had a runaway husband vs. a cowardly cake-eater. X dropped the bomb and was gone the next day. Ring off, moved out, no hesitation. I only Divorce Busted (aka pick-me danced) for four months. During this period, I recall a conversation where I asked him in exasperation why he hadn't yet decided to divorce if he was in fact "so done with me". He replied "fear of failure, fear of judgement, fear of expense". Nothing to do with me or S2. Just fear of consequences.
I would have filed for divorce in October last year if not for the mandatory 12-month waiting period. But it would have been done in anger and not with a clear heart and mind. I have no regrets. I am strong and proud of it. My gaping wound is cleanly healed. Just a little bruised still.
During this period, I recall a conversation where I asked him in exasperation why he hadn't yet decided to divorce if he was in fact "so done with me". He replied "fear of failure, fear of judgement, fear of expense". Nothing to do with me or S2. Just fear of consequences.
This hits the nail on the head. The WAS brain seems strange but simple. Mostly it’s just a lotta selfishness and fear. What a sad way to live isn’t it?
I am also thankful that my H willingly moved out shortly after BD. I didn’t even have to ask. It honestly made things so much easier for my children and me. Him moving out is about the only thing that shows that he still has some decency. But again, most likely he did not move out for the sake of us but simply because he needed to run.
You are lucky to have gotten out rather quickly. There is so much life to live still.
Ugh, Scout. What a winner. It is so empowering to watch you stand tall and shake the dirt of this guy off of your coat tails.
One of my best friends-- the one person I've told-- was also married to someone who I believe has narcissistic personality disorder (not to diagnose your X from what I know of him, but it does seem to fit). He also totally blew up their lives overnight-- went on a trip, met another woman, came home and BDed. Said all sorts of terrible things (you're not my intellectual equal and she is, you have no drive, etc) and was horrible throughout the entire D process. She has been dealing with trying to understand how she was married to him and loved him when we all knew what an a$$hole he was from the beginning. It doesn't sound like you're struggling with that, but did you? At first?
(And as a side karma note, her ex married the AP, plugged right into her family (she has a son) and flaunted his family and happiness all over the place. Until this past fall, three years or so after he left my friend, his new R imploded, they have now Ded, and he posted reams of sad belly-button contemplating garbage on social media and quit his job to travel around the world for a year... right before coronavirus hit. hee hee hee hee. But, he sent my friend a long email, which she has filtered into a separate folder and didn't want to read for a long time, since she is finally healing and moving on. She had me read it. In the letter, he has hit rock bottom. He finally understands how cruel and selfish he was being, how much he hurt her, how f-ed up it all was. He doesn't expect a response but needed to let her know how very very sorry he was and how much he regrets his behavior. Blah blah blah. And now she's in a great new relationship with someone who cares for and respects her and he's probably holed up at his parents' house quarantining. I know it is not nice of me but I can't help but feeling a bit of glee at how $hit comes back around.)
Reading your thread, and Alison's, I am thinking about the journey we all have to take to get to the place where you can see things more clearly. This:
Originally Posted by scout12
I would have filed for divorce in October last year if not for the mandatory 12-month waiting period. But it would have been done in anger and not with a clear heart and mind. I have no regrets. I am strong and proud of it. My gaping wound is cleanly healed. Just a little bruised still.
Really resonated with me. I want that-- a clear heart and mind. Strength and pride and healing. And most importantly... no regrets. Thank you for sharing this. It is inspiring, Scout, truly. xx
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
quit his job to travel around the world for a year... right before coronavirus hit. hee hee hee hee.
Quote
And now she's in a great new relationship with someone who cares for and respects her and he's probably holed up at his parents' house quarantining.
LOL - karma is really a biatch, huh?
Nice to hear though that he actually admitted how badly he had treated her. Some do, some don't. I don't expect my narcissistic ex to ever do that, and frankly, I have NO desire to hear it. Karma has bitten my ex pretty well too. Initially, his new life at his beach cottage with his 19 year younger new wife looked fab. They travelled, he surfed a lot, they partied with her friends. Now a few years in and he's having terrible chronic nerve pain, she lost her parents and went through a depression, he retired just as the nerve pain started and coronavirus came along so his income isn't what he expected (where he works people take early retirement then work 2-3 days a week per diem to total the same income they had when they were working full time - but now he can't work and is limited to his pension and wife's income. He's fine financially but it's not the life he was expecting.) I'm sorry he's in pain but he's a good example that things are never as rosy as they look, and unhappy people searching for a "fix" to their unhappiness usually bring their unhappiness with them.
She has been dealing with trying to understand how she was married to him and loved him when we all knew what an a$$hole he was from the beginning. It doesn't sound like you're struggling with that, but did you? At first?
This has really made me think.
I did struggle with that. X was more of a Nice Guy than an a$$shole in appearances, but quite toxic beneath the surface. I excused a LOT of behaviour that should have been concerning simply because I loved him. He was everybody's friend (but the friendships were emotionally shallow). He loved a good time (but couldn't handle the bad times). He was the golden child at work (but only because he blameshifted responsibility onto others). He was invested in other people (but wanted to judge and advise them on what they were doing wrong in their lives).
I thought I was the only one who noticed these parentheses, but it turns out that everyone did.
I never dated anyone before X so I had zero relationship experience. I allowed myself to get into hot water with an increasingly abusive man because this must be normal, right? I'm a strong woman and wouldn't put up with any abuse, right? In truth, my boundaries were very weak and X was a master at making me feel like my needs were unreasonable. It was a frog boiling in a pot scenario.
The one very clear red flag was his physical aggression. That got my spidey senses tingling but again, I was naive and in love and made excuses for it. My mum was absolutely horrified when I eventually laid out the instances of rage over the years. X punched a hole in a door while we were renting my parents' apartment. Mum privately worried about that for years.
My case was somewhat easier than yours because my X DID act like a real a$$hole after BD - one that constantly leaked sh!t Still, I wanted to believe the best of him. I willingly ate that sh!t because I loved him. I could sooner have chopped off my own arm than stopped loving him. Love doesn't work like that, for me, and I'm sure for you, too. He was my friend, my first boyfriend, my husband, my son's father. My family.
So I had to deliberately lean into the a$$shole theory for a while to be okay with my decision to end the M. I asked trusted friends, family and my psych to give me their view of conversations between me and X (because I was too mindf*cked at first and kept internalising all the blame) - this was KEY. I wrote a list of every awful thing he told me and read it whenever I felt weak. I made a spreadsheet of his pros and cons and a third column with my ideal relationship qualities. I realised how few of my ideals he actually met. Two items on the cons list really stood out - "had an affair" and "tried to destroy me emotionally". Those two items alone made me feel crazy for even contemplating reconciliation.
And the way he treated S2 was a huge 2x4 for me. I could accept the relationship was over, but what kind of man throws away the gift of fatherhood? I stopped looking for excuses and started looking at the evidence.
I still think that R could be possible in my sitch - as in anyone's sitch - but I hold the deciding vote. And I have walked away from the voting booth altogether. You can't lose if you don't participate. Our M is over, not because of X's decision, but because I know in my heart, my gut, and with every inch of my being, that I cannot reconcile after all that was said and done. I still WISH that I could have left it open as an option. Who doesn't want their love story to have a happy ending?
Even when he turned up with hickies which made it obvious he had been with someone else, I lowered my boundaries even further by reassuring him it wasn't cheating because we were already separated. Despite telling him when we first got together that I had two relationship rules - 'Tell me if your feelings change', and 'I will never accept cheating'. Even after clearly setting these expectations, I lay down and rolled over when they were tested. That has more to do with me and my flaws than with X.
When I realised the OW was a coworker, who had spent time with me and S2, and that X had in fact betrayed me and not just moved on with a random person, it all crystallised for me. Before I realised her identity, I would have left the door open for reconciliation forever. But once the magnitude of the deception was revealed, and all the little lies were exposed, I was too disgusted with X. I still loved him, but I had to take R off the table.
It would kill my soul to ever take him back.
Now that my anger has passed - and it was legit WHITE HOT RAGE for about six months - the a$$shole theory no longer serves me, so I've put it away. Pity is my main emotion now. I think X was raised wrong and I feel sorry for him that he lacked a good example in his parents. I think he's a moron and a clown for not appreciating what he had - a wife, a child, his own home, a career, a lot of money - at just 28 years old. My psych thinks he does fall on the NPD scale and that could well be true.
I still feel love for him and probably always will, if for no other reason than our shared history. I AM embarrassed that I spackled over his issues for so long. I do think I settled for him. Our relationship was not a mistake and I will never regret it because it gave me S2. X is just the price I had to pay for my awesome kid.
Love is stupid and makes you act stupid - our spouses are proof of this. All that matters is that this relationship is not acceptable to me. This person is not an acceptable partner for me. Or anyone, I'd argue, which also helps me forgive the OW somewhat because she's in for a world of hurt at some point. I can simultaneously love him and not want to be with him. Because I love myself more now.
I told X that if S2 ever treated someone the way that X treated me, I would have failed as a parent. My only parenting goal is for S2 to never intentionally hurt someone. If someone unknowingly or accidentally hurts you, and you tell them, and they continue to hurt you? You have to love yourself enough to walk away. It's not on them to stop, because you cannot compel them to do so, it's on you to leave. That being said, abusers will make it difficult. Statistically, it takes seven attempts for an abuse victim to leave. I would never blame anyone for struggling to do so.
Anyway, I'm rambling now and have gone way off topic. Thanks for the question, May.
My mum was absolutely horrified when I eventually laid out the instances of rage over the years. X punched a hole in a door while we were renting my parents' apartment. Mum privately worried about that for years.
Mine never did anything like that - but if I had asked my family before my marriage if I should marry my ex (and if they had been honest, which I'm not sure they would have) - the answer would have been they had a lot of reservations. They could see his arrogance and the dismissive way he acted towards them when I couldn't. And that was a big red flag that I ignored.
