Yes you’re right, I was questioning my “scorched earth “ approach because I don’t like the idea of him thinking it’s a reaction to his news. And yes, I see your point that that is not actual detachment. If I were detached I wouldn’t care what he thought about my actions at all. So I guess I need to reconcile that with the pride I have and dignity I want to try to maintain. I think the balance there might be to take my key back and make my boundaries clear in a calm manner. And no, my divorce is not final yet.
I definitely see what you mean about my mentioning the way he treats me and shows affection when he’s around. It has fed my hope on many occasions. In this particular case I just find it truly bizarre given what has actually been going on. It doesn’t make me think he is sending me signals, it makes me think he is messing with me emotionally. I think that he probably wants me pining for him despite the fact that he has moved on. He made several patronizing remarks to me today that made me feel that way. “I hope you’ll still be able to have a nice day today” and “I want to start to prepare you for things that will be hard for you”. It’s insulting and it’s always seemed like he likes picturing me crying over him. Anyway, I have done otherwise in the past, but this time I mentioned the affection he’s shown me lately because I think it’s just messed up.
I don’t want to be feeling like this and I don’t like the part of me that is still attached to this man. I am definitely struggling to get where I want to be, but I am trying really hard to get there.
I think that he probably wants me pining for him despite the fact that he has moved on. He made several patronizing remarks to me today that made me feel that way. “I hope you’ll still be able to have a nice day today” and “I want to start to prepare you for things that will be hard for you”. It’s insulting and it’s always seemed like he likes picturing me crying over him.
Hope, USE THIS! That f-you feeling you get when he says crap like that? Use it to fuel your attitude towards him. It may be a fake-it-til-you-make-it type of situation, but reading that infuriated me and I soooooooo want to picture you looking at him all cool and calm and gorgeous with one eyebrow raised, like PLEASE. GTF over yourself, dude.
On the child and OW thing... I feel you so much. It scares me now crazy I feel even thinking about it. I totally get exactly how you feel. The one thing I would say is, if you haven't already, maybe read some of Scout's posts from a month or so ago, when her S started chirping about the OW changing his diapers and such. I was overwhelmed just reading it but was brought back to earth by the amazing way that Scout handled it. If I can take my emotions out of it, another kind and loving adult in your child's life isn't a bad thing (assuming the OW is these things). And you will never, ever be replaced as her mom. Never.
HUGS.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I might be able to offer some perspective on the 'affection'. This is just my experience so take or leave ...
In the first year post BD, even though I was an 'alien' and the architect of all his misery my H use to do 'nice' things for me. He bought me a valentines present (a chocolate rose) that he put under my pillow, he would clean my car and he even put it in to be serviced, he spent nearly £500 on my birthday present (and then sent me text after text asking me if I liked it), I would come home and things would be done (lawn mowed, trees cut back) and he would offer to give me lifts, he got me a mothers day present and gave the kids money to take me to lunch. Whilst he was either silent or angry in person, his messages would be friendly "Hi! how are the kids?" or "I saw blah and thought it might be nice for D10". This is now long gone. His messages are abrupt and he is a lot more easily triggered. In retrospect, and with some understanding of what was happening in the background (in his life) I now know that this had nothing to do with me. He was trying to keep me in my place. Sitting waiting, not because he wanted me back, but because he wanted the option to come back.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I think that he probably wants me pining for him despite the fact that he has moved on. He made several patronizing remarks to me today that made me feel that way. “I hope you’ll still be able to have a nice day today” and “I want to start to prepare you for things that will be hard for you”.
No, I don't think he wants you pining for him. I think he just wants you to stay put. It's a property thing. The patronizing remarks are to make you feel of less worth, like you can't handle what's going on because you're weak. Again, it's a way of keeping you in your place.
Hope, I don't think your H is a bad guy. I think he is just trying to find his way and do what he thinks will make him happy. Selfish yes, insensitive definitely. But he is trying to do what he feels will hurt you the least. What he doesn't know is that everything is going to hurt you right now.
Ask yourself this ... would you prefer he didn't tell you?
NO, I would definitely always prefer to know the truth, no latter how hurtful. He didn’t exactly tell me, his lies just got so transparent that there was nothing left to do but call him on it and he finally admitted to it. And I am glad I know, 100 %.
Originally Posted by may22
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I think that he probably wants me pining for him despite the fact that he has moved on. He made several patronizing remarks to me today that made me feel that way. “I hope you’ll still be able to have a nice day today” and “I want to start to prepare you for things that will be hard for you”. It’s insulting and it’s always seemed like he likes picturing me crying over him.
Hope, USE THIS! That f-you feeling you get when he says crap like that? Use it to fuel your attitude towards him. It may be a fake-it-til-you-make-it type of situation, but reading that infuriated me and I soooooooo want to picture you looking at him all cool and calm and gorgeous with one eyebrow raised, like PLEASE. GTF over yourself, dude.
Thanks May. ME. TOO. That is definitely the facial expression I had when I read those texts. I’ll have to see him this evening for pick up/drop off of D4 and if he gives me any more of that crap, he’ll see it for himself.
I do not like the idea of him trying to keep me in my place. And I do not like the idea of him using me to absolve himself of guilt. Not one bit.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them!
This is such a great quote. Sometimes when I get frustrated with people, I ask myself, "Why did I expect anything differently?"
Hope, one thing I did (mistakenly) was suppress my anger because I thought I needed to do so to detach. I think many of us here do this. Once I connected with the healthy part of my anger, it really accelerated the detachment process for me. Whereas before I felt an emotional swell from upsetting texts or interactions, I now mostly feel indifferent or mildly annoyed. My kids are hanging around a shady character, I've voiced my opinion, and other than that there is nothing I can do.
I'm also not suggesting you should be happy with his 6 month plan, nor am I saying anyone has it worse. My point was mostly try to look at both sides of the coin. Yes, he's patronizing and smug and seems to know you are still attached and uses that to his own advantage. At the same time, he does not sound like a soulless hedonist and he at least has some awareness of D4's sensitivity to the situation. Personally, I agree with you that 6 months is too soon.
Re: the touching stuff, if it bothers you, please set a boundary.
I totally agree with that quote and have advised myself and many friends on it many times. I’ve often looked back to a time very early in my relationship with H where I caught him in a (completely unnecessary) lie and called him on it. His reaction was to throw an actual tantrum where he cried a whole bunch and then was angry at me for being angry at him. That was the first of many times, and he still does that to this day (not the crying, but definitely the gaslighting). Admittedly it was one of the main reasons that I was desperately unhappy with our relationship. I guess I did think that ALL that aside that the one thing that would be kept sacred that he wouldn’t ever lie about would be things related to our daughter. Unfortunately he proved that to be untrue as well.
I would like to set a boundary on the touching. For my own sake and to be true to myself, I don’t want to be nasty about it. I’m just not sure how to set that particular one. Any suggestions?
If you are like me, you struggle to set boundaries because the very act of setting the boundary feels nasty or mean-spirited.
It's not. Being assertive in a respectful way to the other party is not nasty.
I'm not sure what would work for you (and your H). Maybe some non-verbal body language. Maybe a simple and calmly stated "I would like if you stopped doing XYZ. Thanks!" (smile)
Also if you are like me, you may over-think things ahead of time and get your emotions stirred up, partly to give yourself the courage to stand up for yourself. Then you might come across as highly emotional, which is exactly what you are trying to avoid.
So... just think, no big deal. He may take it poorly, who cares? You'd like him to stop touching, just tell him simply and matter-of-factly. Neutral emotion. You got this!
D4’s birthday is coming up. I usually throw her a big party with all her friends, but we clearly won’t be doing that this year, so I’ve been planning for a quarantine party at home with extra special touches.
For at least the past 6 months D4 has been obsessing about it and about whether her daddy will be there. It has clearly been a huge source of anxiety for her. For months she’s been asking if he will come to her birthday even if it’s on a day where she doesn’t usually see him. All along, H and I both assured her over and over that of course he would be there.
I did always imagine that no matter what, we would suck it up and come together for D4’s birthday. Right now, I am struggling with the idea of doing this together. Being around him sounds horrible. I can not break this promise to D4. It would absolutely devastate her and it would break her trust in me. She’s very big into promise keeping, especially lately.
I also don’t like the message that having a “family” party sends to H at the moment. But as I write this, I suppose detachment would mean that I would do what is good for D4 regardless and not think about what it makes H think. I want to address this with him in the most business like way possible. How’s this?:
I’m planning D4’s party and as you know it’s very important to her that we celebrate together, so for her sake I still think that’s best. I’m planning and taking care of XYZ, please let me know if you have ideas or anything you’d like to contribute or incorporate.
I’m planning D4’s party and as you know it’s very important to her that we celebrate together. ,so for her sake I still think that’s best. Please let me know if you would like to join us. I’m planning and taking care of XYZ, please let me know if you have ideas or anything you’d like to contribute or incorporate.
~~~
Standard co-parenting advice is to keep it business-like (read: detachment) and always focus on the needs of the children first.
Your response is business like, and it focuses on D4's needs (wanting a family party). Perfect. You can always change how you do these family things in the future.
I guess I thought the “for her sake I think it’s best” was good because I wanted to clarify that I do not want to do this (I don’t) and that it’s only for D4. But I do see that sends the message of attachment because it relates to my feelings and his recent revelations.
