Andrew, is S really worth this chaos? how is your health lately? Do you even have the time to take care of you.?
((( Andrew )))
Thanks for the hug exquisitetobe. I'm tired a lot lately and pretty stressed as you can imagine. My blood pressure fortunately has been fairly decent - compared to historical norms. I've been making taking my walks around the village more of a priority and got out 3 times last week. I want to bump that up to daily. That will help a lot with my circulation and also mental health as well. S can sometimes join me for a bit of it but she doesn't have the stamina for being out walking briskly for a full hour. And the alone time is good for me.
A lot of the tired and stress is work related - my new role is very challenging and currently high pressure and has no defined hours. The plant runs 24X7. This morning's production plan that I put together only had one comment come back from my boss. Something I'd already reviewed but does need to be double-checked. He's a micro-manager but one that I have a lot of respect for and he has a dry sense of humour and he "really" wants me to be successful at this role which used to be his. I find myself waking up from lucid dreams of trying to figure out what drums I can use for unexpected customer orders
I'll probably be mainly working from home for the entire summer. I do hope to start getting in to the plant one or two days a week starting next month. Now that S is losing her dedicated craft / tv room she'll be moving a bunch of that into the home office I would imagine. It used to have 3 desks, two filing cabinets and a book-case in it and now just has one desk and book case so it will all work out and we will continue to not have a room for D19/BF to try to move in to.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
so S, her dog, her two sons, three rabbits and two cats are now joining you and the girls??? four cats? my eyes are streaming just thinking about cleaning up after all the pets.
Well - they did manage at the apartment where they didn't have a back yard nor a compost heap for the bunny poop so it will work out. I actually don't expect S17 to stay all that long. He really likes the independence of being on his own and does have a job. There were 4 "kids" there as well not 2.
When there was an intact family here we at one point did have 2 adults, 2 kids, 4 cats, 1 dog, some fish and a budgie all "crammed" into this place.
It is true as I'm sure everyone can imagine that there are a lot of times when I find this all rather over-whelming. Not much I can do about that beyond vent here and make sure to carve out some "me" time. And throwing in the towel at this stage is a truly bad idea and is not my wish. I'm not someone who gives up when the going gets tough especially when the long-term goal is something so worth having.
Buzzie : [Flaps and Dizzy have just saved Mowgli] He's safe now. You can let go, Baloo. Baloo : Are you kidding? There's teeth in the other end!
More seriously though - I have confidence that this will all work out. This isn't like getting married at 25 when the amount of baggage fits in the over-head bin. S is focusing on getting out of her apartment and has drafted her posse to help with that part. It helps that her part-time work disappeared at the beginning of quarantine. I help with the moving in but am leaving the moving out in her hands. Once everything is under one roof then comes the purging and "right-sizing". Meanwhile we have to work on becoming more and more of a team.
If this was easy then everyone would be doing it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
but, i admire quite a lot about this post of yours: the honesty, the pragmatic viewpoint, most especially the fact that you are making your personal health top priority.
Good job Andrew!! xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
It a beautiful sunny day here. Yesterday was as well, but wow was it ever windy. If our two day delay holds, you better furl the sails, and batten the hatches. There isn’t a blade of cut grass left on my ocean of lawn. It looks great; like I raked everything.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
If this was easy then everyone would be doing it.
Yeah, it’s not easy. However, even if it were, most still wouldn’t do it. Few put in the hard effort for their goals. It’s also they don’t know or define their goals.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I'm not someone who gives up when the going gets tough especially when the long-term goal is something so worth having.
The journey is more important than the destination. The journey itself is the goal.
You know the worth of your journey and you’re not one to give up easily.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I have confidence that this will all work out.
Good.
Please realize the use of future tense for your life. It belittles today.
Today is working out. You have reached today’s goals and destination. The journey continues. Live in the moment. Realize the accomplishments of the now.
Tomorrow’s being better is because you make it so. That progress can give the illusion that yesterday and today wasn’t up to par. So not true.
We do need long term headings and we need to not lose sight of the present day steps for they are the most important.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
What does all this mean for the business S was going to run from your house? I'm assuming it's something hat isn't allowed right now due to the pandemic, but once that dies down, will she actually be ready to start it from your place, or has the space for that been taken up?
If D19 and BF breakup, can she move in if she needs help getting on her feet?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
What does all this mean for the business S was going to run from your house? I'm assuming it's something hat isn't allowed right now due to the pandemic, but once that dies down, will she actually be ready to start it from your place, or has the space for that been taken up?
Ahhhhhhh once again I wasn’t fast enough. Would have been had actual work not got in my way. My new 25 hour a month contract has already more than doubled. Go figure.
Anyhow, I was wondering some of the same. What happened to the business S was starting and you used to talk about? Not sure this too can be blamed on covid as new ventures usually take a lot if work before the doors open so covid should not be preventing that. I’m guessing the idea has been abandoned or at least put on Indefinite hold?
As to the rest, pretty much everyone here predicted what is now starting to play out. Yes, she did it for much of her life, which is why those here saw it coming. But Andrew you saw how well it all worked at the apt - or more how well it didn’t work. You were there for the weeks of cleanup. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.
Only you can decide what is right for you but I will say, hearing of stories like this here as well as from IRL friends helps confirm my choices and boundaries. I’ll ask it a little different than Exquis. Did... is ANYONE worth it? The answer is different for each of us. Just please don’t lose yourself in all of this. I fear that has already started. I do admire your stick to itveness but don’t give away too much of yourself and your life for S or anyone.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Please realize the use of future tense for your life. It belittles today.
Well spotted and well said. The future is uncertain and I firmly believe in the "not falling in love with potential". If the person or situation you are in is not acceptable now - then that needs to not be accepted.
Originally Posted by kml
What does all this mean for the business S was going to run from your house? I'm assuming it's something hat isn't allowed right now due to the pandemic, but once that dies down, will she actually be ready to start it from your place, or has the space for that been taken up?
The property is zoned commercial and she was planning on using the enclosed front porch (now filled with rabbit hutch and books) as a display area for her "holistic health services" (aura reading and such-like). For consults there are the living room / dining room and for larger workshops there are two other businesses in the village that have a shared workshop space they will probably be willing to share. Additionally there are synergies between what S does and what my one SIL does that "could" involve using those spaces. She and her D25 (who is a little field-marshal at getting things done) are also planning on working the craft show circuit which is also shut down for the present. They're happy to have access to the wood-shop in the basement. S had been using a shared space before but it had poor visibility, she had limited access and the primary tenant insisted on dictating what she did in there. All of this is as you mentioned rather on hold right now both because of the pandemic and also because of the chaos of combining households.
Originally Posted by HaWho
If D19 and BF breakup, can she move in if she needs help getting on her feet?
We were actually talking about this today and the answer is "of course" that we would figure out a way to make it work. Just like if any of the kids from either side needed temporary help.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm exhausted physically and mentally. S is I am sure suffering more than I am I'm sure as the load of getting out of her apartment is mostly on her. She and her kids have had to move a lot in the past though and so they are figuring things out. S is really looking forward to not having to move again and thinks that the big house with lots of stairs and big back yard will suit her just fine despite the lack of central air-conditioning.
Work is just crazy and I'm struggling to stay on top of things. In my new role I work for a micro-manager who I respect and that's part of the challenge. The other part is that I still have all of my old job which kept me pretty busy and then for this past week my colleague on that role has been on vacation. Decisions have had to be made on what to let slide and what to deal with. I don't always make the right choices and have to scramble. Fortunately everyone I work with including the manager (actually company president) is patient and has a good humour about things and is willing to give me the benefit of the doubt or nudge me along when I go astray.
I think I'm doing ok. I try to treat the micro-managing with good humour. I know that he's trying to let go but is having difficulty doing so. I think I'm about the 4th person he's attempted in this role over the last 10 years and am perhaps the longest surviving at only a couple of months out. There's so much to just "know" which comes with experience that he has and I'm getting as fast as I can. I have my daughter's old chalk-board on the wall behind my desk to try to keep track of all the moving bits.
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The moving is proceeding. The house is getting pretty stuffed. S assures me that it will be sorted out and right-sized fairly quickly.
S17 and D19's BF came over yesterday afternoon and we - with some drama and effort - got the rabbit hutch upstairs. I never did measure the sizes but had planned out how it would go up. Turns out that I was wrong. We ended up having to saw the legs off, it got stuck in the stairs a few times and lots of sweating was done. At one point the transom window above the front door got broken and I grumbled - "well there goes a 100+ year old window". It was annoying but I wasn't actually angry. It's just a piece of plain glass and accidents happen.
S suggested and I made sure that S17 knew that while it was annoying that it was no big deal. I asked his thoughts on how it should be replaced and we joked around about it. He has a number of issues that he's working through in therapy and she was worried that he'd obsess about this and how I "hated him". I think it's all good.
We also bent a curtain rod (easy fix) and put a big gouge in the top newel post in the stairs. The latter isn't an easy fix but it could be considered a "character mark".
The bunnies are moving in later today I believe at least temporarily while S17 cleans up his room. It may be a few days yet before he moves in and he can't sleep without being around his pets.
There's an ash tree in the back yard that I've mentioned before that I planted perhaps 15 years ago or so. Some may recall - it had two main branches that were growing away from each other and I bolted them together. It's doing well and there's a robin's nest in one of the top branches. S17 - who is quite small but very strong loves climbing up on it and was disappointed that the nest is empty.
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S is getting a lot of nonsense from her soon to be former land-lady who has a history of being unreasonable and making excessive threats. The latest was that she was going to go into the apartment with police to do her inspection. No reason why police needed to be involved. A friend of her's is on the force a few villages over and she keeps threatening to have them involved. She has stated that she expects S to pay for new carpets through the whole unit plus numerous other expenses. S never put down a damage deposit and she knows her rights and obligations. This and the constant threat of eviction over the most minor of issues plus numerous provable lies by the land-lady to S and the other tenants is something that she'll be happy to have behind her.
Given current events, it's easy to see how some people consider the use of threats of police action as just part of their tool box to push people around.
I've fortunately managed to avoid much of the packing and loading as I'm sure I would find it frustrating and exhausting. S is not at all as methodical as I am. I do the unloading and finding spots to "temporarily" put stuff. I need to go over this Saturday and do some carpet repairs (just finished googling) and to re-install some original light fixtures.
I have been worried that she'll run out of time or space here or capacity to work but it seems to be going ok. We have a week and a half still and the reality is that we could thrown everything into the utility trailer, push that into the garage and worry about it later.
It's been a tough time for S and I but we seem to be doing ok. The combination of me working from home, the changing moving plans, the move itself, work drama for me, family drama for S has been difficult.
Our favourite inn is opening up at the start of the month and perhaps we just need to get away. It's difficult though for lots of reasons both having to keep every-day stuff going at home and work plus the restrictions that are probably going to be in place at least through the summer. I have about 3 weeks of vacation left to take having taken 2 already earlier in the year.
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I'm still not sure what plans S25 may have for Father's Day. It's quite possible that "none" is the answer. In the past it was usually me organizing things. I texted him last week and haven't heard back since. S assures me that it's "normal" for kids to have radio silence for the first while after they leave home and I'm not too worried about that. It's possible that the day will slide by. I've not gotten my card from D28 (she had a birthday on Wednesday) yet either. I did send her flowers to complement the card I mailed. She's not mentioned getting it yet though and she's usually pretty prompt about that so perhaps postal service isn't what it could be in normal times.
Some drama going on between D19 and BF. It's expected - yet again - that things are coming to a break for them. The latest is that BF (who has no job) decided to buy a new car with a standard transmission that D19 can't drive. And she's the one working and now has to rely on him to get to/from work although she's not working right now. And he also bought himself a new very expensive gaming system also without talking about it. Since he lives rent-free and possibly grocery cost free he feels that he can spend "his money" however he wants and is I think offended that D19 considers them to be a couple on all matters.
Perhaps surprisingly S's STBX (D19's landlord / room-mate) has been supportive in thinking of BF as a jerk despite that this is what he himself used to do to S all the time.
D19's caught in the situation that some of us had - where the relationship is dead but you're reluctant to let go of it because it's what you know and are comfortable with. Being as BF is living with her on sufferance D19's housing is at least stable. I've been told that BF's mother has been pushing him to move home (without D19) for some time.
"Drama!"
D19 is off work because she's not been well lately having recently - probably - discovered that she's full-blown celiac. She's also been working on getting on the cover of an - ahem - men's magazine. I'm sure that the articles are well done. She's been doing well making it through 4 or so rounds of voting so far. She's probably even more well aware than I am of what sort of magazine this is and has I believe strong boundaries on what she'll do and not do but the experience will hopefully open some doors for her. She's unlikely to win IMO - but continues to place second in her group.
Well - it's been a crazy crazy day. I started composing this around 7:15 this morning - time to hit post I suppose. Lots of distractions.
Have a great weekend all!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
