S didn’t ask you because she knew you would have said daughter could come but not boyfriend.
I suggest you figure out how to get boyfriend out of the house ASAP.
Perhaps pull a “man of the house” and put him to work doing hard labor chores around the house. He’ll probably leave on his own accord if you put him to work!
Busy time indeed. My virtual pinboard did get a bit mixed up.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
S has reminded me correctly that we can't pick what partners our kids have and have to respect those choices even if we don't agree with them.
Nope.
I humbly disagree with the correctness of that supposition.
We have to respect others rights to choose - not the choice itself. Adults are free and have the right to make whatever self-destructive, boneheaded, decision/choice they want. I respect that. I won’t, and don’t have to, respect the actual bad decision or choice. There is a difference.
S’s daughter has the right to be with whomever she wants to be with. Her choices will, do, and should bring consequences and benefits.
S didn’t consult you. You didn’t get to make a choice, you just had to went along with this.
I’m not saying that one weekend helping out is or would be a poor choice. No, I do respect you and your choices. This just sets a precedent that is unfortunately being left unchecked. BF is disrespecting you. He is a freeloading guest. Actually he’s not a guest, he is just the barnacle that arrived with D19. Boundaries and rules needed.
For what it’s worth, it’s ok to say no to people coming over or staying at your house. Now that it’s becoming your’s and S’s, I think both need to agree to whom comes over. As in you each have veto power; something that probably and usually need not be evoked as you and S would be on similar wavelengths.
Of course timing is at play. The day of a wedding is not the time to hash this out. So, good choice on your part.
I hope the ceremony goes well and D25 has a wonderful day.
And kml is right. A little hard work won’t kill him. BF would leave pretty quick methinks.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
D19 and BF have at least temporarily vacated back to their shared accommodation (S's STBX, D19, D19's BF, D19's friend, friend's BF). I don't know STBX at all having only met him briefly once around the time when their marriage was falling apart and he and S were having lunch at the same cafe as I was. He seems like a decent enough fellow overall but if it were me, this crowd would be causing me conniptions. He had been living alone. Then D19 moved in needing a place to stay for just herself and her dog. Since she had an existing relationship for several years, it was weird but had a basis in reasonableness. Then BF. Then friend who needed a place to stay. Then friend's BF.
He is one of those many people though who's mantra for relationships is that they "don't want to die alone". So perhaps this is working for him.
If I could briefly get up on my soapbox, I think that there is a sense of entitlement among many people, including younger ones where they just assume that the world will accommodate them and their wishes for minimal input. In many ways my own S25 has this. Some may remember how his friend 20S also made a lot of assumptions about my generosity etc.
There are and always have been a lot of people in this world who are "takers". In the last 4 years I've certainly encountered quite a few of them. I even worry that S is one of them and speaking here only, am waiting with expectation that "once the move gets done" - as she tells me regularly - that she'll be stepping up and contributing more to the day to day around here. I know from my former marriage plus also last summer with B, that quite often the press releases don't always match the action taken. I can accept a certain amount of that as it was what I lived with for a long time and could perhaps consider that a "normal".
I accept responsibility for my own well being and actions alone. What other people do is on them. As we are taught here, you can't control other people. You can only decide which of their actions are acceptable to you or not.
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D19 and BF told me when I got back from groceries that they were going to try to get their car back to their own village. I'm not the most subtle of people but I do suspect that BF at least was feeling unwelcome what with me asking how the car repairs were going, how long it would be in my driveway etc. They did make an attempt at washing many of the dishes before they left though which was helpful and told me that S had neglected to leave the treat basket at the hotel room where her D25 and H would be spending their wedding night. And that I was supposed to take fresh peonies. So - out to the garden with the clippers, to the hose to attempt to wash off at least most of the ants that are always on peonies and to the hotel.
S got home late afternoon, exhausted but happy. The wedding went off well with no wobbles. It was clear, sunny but a bit chilly so the bride's short sun-dress was a bit cooler than it might have been. She wondered where D19 was and got a response back "I'm stuck here and soooo bored". No move was made to initiate a rescue. The happy couple is coming to brunch here this morning - which I believe they are making (?) and D19 is I believe being picked up and brought by them. I would not be surprised if BF and dog also come along. But I would also be surprised if they stay - fingers crossed. D19's health is better and she may be going back to work on Monday. I believe she car-pools to her factory job.
The couple stopped by the house to drop off their 1 year old boy for an hour or so so that they could go out to a patio (the only type of restaurant now open beyond drive-through) for dinner. D25 was hugely apologetic for the chaos that had been left in the downstairs bathroom but was relieve when I treated it as no issue because "you're the bride". I'm willing to grant a lot of leeway in such circumstances.
Well - S is still in bed exhausted from yesterday. Time for me to tidy up the kitchen so that when people show up to make brunch that it's usable.
There's a meme that makes it's way around the internet regularly suggesting that part of being an adult is reasurring yourself that next week will be easier every week until you die
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My dear friend, Andrew, I hate to be the one to break it to you but S is DEFINITELY a taker. Now, that doesn’t mean you should brush her aside of course but MANY of the things you have said about her point me to thinking she’s a taker. I can give specific examples if necessary but I think you already know it. It reminds me of another common post I see all the time: “Givers must set boundaries because takers don’t have any.” You, sir, are a giver and a rescuer so takers are your “type” for lack of a better description. I think the biggest evidence of S being a taker is the fact that she invited D19 and bf to stay overnight without consulting you in any way, despite knowing your stance on them coming and going as they please. Someone else already pointed out that S didn’t ask so she could avoid your saying no. That is definitely a taker’s mentality.
Be careful, Andrew!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Well - I would take a slightly softer stance. She MAY be a taker. Or she just might be someone who does things very differently than you. She may not have the skills or the focus to follow through in a way that you might expect - does that make her a taker? You’ve also made clear that you prefer to do certain things by yourself, like the dishes.
CMM makes me dinner every day - I’ve cooked dinner for him maybe twice if you don’t count canned soup and a sandwich when he’s sick. Does that make me a taker? No, because he’s so persnickety in his OCD that I just stopped trying to help him in the kitchen.
What is it you would like to see her contributing right now Andrew? And what’s keeping her from being able to do it right now? If you put off asking too long because she has the never ending job of unpacking you may miss your opportunity to establish a routine.
(Also I cannot imagine how you think unpacking will take a year. That would drive even me crazy and I’m pretty tolerant of clutter. )
Totally my opinion and I don’t know either of your situations (kml and Andrew) personally because I’m not involved, but CMM making dinner most of the time and you accepting that is not the same as Andrew’s situation with S. She most definitely does things differently from Andrew but, the division of responsibilities seems more equitable between you and CMM than it does for Andrew and S. And, while you are a compassionate healer/caregiver, you don’t strike me as being as much of a rescuer as Andrew. I think you and Andrew are definitely both givers.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
S's S17's arrangement to move in with a buddy fell apart. I always had it in the back of my mind that this could happen so it's not too much of a shock. So he, three rabbits and 2 more cats will also be moving in.
S is pretty upset because her "craft room" now won't be. We'll probably have to purge a bit of furniture to make room. I leaned on 20S to take her mattress and she "assures" me - yet again - that probably this week it will go. I told her that if it doesn't go before I need the room that I was going to put it into the shed with the boat where it will be - mostly - safe and dry.
But - on a more positive note, that means that D19 and BF can't even think of moving in. And it's given me an excuse to lean on 20S about taking the stuff of her's that is "still" underfoot.
And yes - I am very much a giver and a rescuer. The very first piece of advice I was given when everything went kablooie was to be careful of damsels who wanted to be rescued. It's actually made me skittish about it and I'm constantly on the watch to make sure I'm not being taken advantage of. The trouble is that I'm not always good at that. And I honestly cannot say where the future will take me. S is "very" aware that I have this terror of being taken advantage of and I do have confidence that she will be a fully contributing member of the household. She did essentially raise 5 kids over the course of 25 years as a single mom. One of the things that first attracted me to her was her ability to adapt and overcome despite some pretty tall odds.
But - I do still have my statue of Don Quixote on my desk - probably always will, gazing at me, firm, upright and ready to do battle for the glory of his Dulcinea.
I think I'm going to try to persuade S to watch the Terry Gilliam movie - The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. The odds are low that she'd be interested though.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hummmm.... you are reaching my vision of what your life will be at a RAPID paste.
Don' t be so sure that D19 and bf won' t move in. Now that you are going back to the office, you no longer need one in your home. Problem solved to rescue D19 and bf and pleaseing S.
Maybe you should set up a room for you at S25.
Andrew, is S really worth this chaos? how is your health lately? Do you even have the time to take care of you.?
so S, her dog, her two sons, three rabbits and two cats are now joining you and the girls??? four cats? my eyes are streaming just thinking about cleaning up after all the pets.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
