We read both. Didn't try EFT. I did have a counseling session with the author. And she never mentioned EFT. Her advice was very similar to the advice here though.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry if this post seems like a lot of disjointed rambling. I just needed to dump my thoughts out somewhere.
OK first of all reading that first book was rough. One of the hardest things I think I have ever done. Hearing my W ask for an open marriage and profess caring for someone else was easier and less gut wrenching than reading that god forsaken book. The second book, might actually end up being worth it though. Maybe it will get her to snap out of her limbo and fully commit to staying or fully commit to leaving. At this point, I am OK with either choice. I love my W but have little doubt I could be just fine on my own or even find someone new and be just as happy....possibly happier. Either way, she has the books now and I have to wait for her to read them to have the real convo.
Today was an OK day. We had some good convo throughout the day. We went out for dinner and had a good time. Honestly our completely candid, nothing is taboo, conversations are what I would miss the most if we were to D today. Maybe b/c that is what I get the most of from her.
We also had our 3rd MC session today and I think the MC may end up making this harder. Since the EA is (at least for now) over, the MC is suggesting that we try to touch more. Not like sexual, but like hand holding, or playful flirty touches or something. Not sure really. She is suggesting that I initiate it and that my W allow it as a way to try to remember how we acted in the beginning. As she is saying this, in the back of my mind I am hearing Admiral Ackbar screaming "IT'S A TRAP!!!" Now I feel completely hosed. If I follow the MC advice and the W isn't receptive (as she probably will not be, at least not really), then I make things worse. If I follow DB'ing and distance like I should, then the W can point to me not doing what she heard the MC tell me to do as proof I am not willing to work on things, thus making things worse. AARRRGGGHHH. I feel like I am walking a tightrope with no net on a daily basis. How some of you have dealt with this for years is beyond me. You guys are troopers.
That reminds me, I created a fake Bumble account a week or so ago, just to see what was out there. I have since deleted it since it was getting matches but was completely fake, and I'm not going to catfish anyone (I never contacted or responded to anyone on it). There is a part of me that wants to create a real account, find someone new, then BD the W with D papers, take everything and leave her sticky, broke, and confused.
Yes I am trying to give her a chance to come back, and she does seem like she is trying and slowly coming around. But I am still having a hard time getting past this betrayal and still not sure I want her back and not sure I will ever be able to really trust her again. I am telling her in MC that I want to work this out but while true, it just isn't the whole truth. I like having working it out as an option but she has opened the door to other people. I just can't help but find this somewhat exciting myself. Having been pushed away and rejected for 15 years, the idea of having someone that won't do that, in my life is certainly appealing. Had none of this happened, I would have stayed with her and stayed faithful for life. Having this guilt free "out" though is hard not to consider. She cheated, and at this point NO ONE would blame me for leaving. I could leave and she would be the bad guy. Again not going to make any final decisions until at least the birth of my granddaughter in Sept, but after that if I am not seeing at least some signs of improvement, then all bets are off.
Texan, a few things. Not sure why the read was so tough. Again the author insists the LBH really get tough in order to have a chance at R. Very Sandi like in that advice. Anyway, I won't belabor this but surprised you found it that difficult
As far as the touching, google "touch charges". It is something I employed in my sitch. One word of advice, they need to be subtle. Like lightly touching her lower back as you have to squeeze behind her in the kitchen. Stuff like that. While you're there look into "talk charges" too. They are also a way to start reconnecting subtlety.
As far as the finding someone new. Yep, had same urges. "I am a good looking guy, in shape unlike most guys my age, and make good money! This is my chance at a new start!" But the problem with this approach is that without taking the time to learn and grow you will look back in 5 years and realize you got yourself into the same kind of situation with someone new! Those that do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Plus there is the moral side too. A wring doesn't make a right. If you are going to leave your W do it because you can't trust her again and for what she did. LBSs that wait until they find someone new and then pull the plug with their cheating spouse are just as guilty of cheating themselves! Do it right, D your W, and then after you've had time on your own to deal with everything, go find someone new. Otherwise you're trying to put a bandaid on a severed limb, and that never works.
Last edited by Steve85; 06/13/2011:33 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The books came with some "bonus" materials that sort of pushes something called "EFT Tapping" as some sort of emotional control meditation as a way to help control emotions and make decisions from a place of logic and reason. This supposedly has shown good benefits for PTSD patients. Anyone ever hear of this and/or tried it?
My MIL is a practitioner of EFT and apparently teaches it to others. She wanted my W to do it. As far as I recall it has two aspects to it, one is the tapping (physically tapping on acupuncture reflex points), along with a talking part (which is a positive reinforcement or build yourself up/throw off negatives type thing). I recall looking into it at the time (over two years ago now, so I'm a bit vague on the specifics) and having concerns as to the lack of science behind it and also further concerns stemming from our Christian beliefs.
Our S15 is young but very sharp. I'm sure MIL tried to teach it to him as well. He just poured scorn over it (privately, to me). Further, S15 has mild autism and sees a child psychologist regularly. I asked her about EFT and she told me it has no basis and no merit beyond a possible placebo effect. She thought it was dangerous as people would use it instead of real methods of dealing with their problems, with varying consequences (not getting real help, deciding their problems relate to something else and going off track, deciding the situation is incapable of improvement, etc).
Wikipedia has an entry on it here: EFT which states it is generally considered pseudoscientific, with no real merit.
MIL also gave my W a book written by a lady who had been molested as a child and then had cervical cancer in later life. The lady decided the two events were connected (her mental anguish focusing on that part of her body creating the disease in that area). She therefore wrote a book explaining how every emotional and mental anguish manifests as physical sickness. My W was suffering from a cold (it was winter!) and showed me that the book said it was because I was making her miserable! Good luck to me trying to counter that one!
Texan, a few things. Not sure why the read was so tough. Again the author insists the LBH really get tough in order to have a chance at R. Very Sandi like in that advice. Anyway, I won't belabor this but surprised you found it that difficult
What was so hard was that it made it all seem like 100% biology. That she just wasn't made to be monogamous and there was nothing I could do to fight it. It made me feel that by trying to keep her in the M was like forcing her to be something that she isn't. It made me feel like I was being cruel to try and make this work and that I should just let her go.
Originally Posted by Steve85
As far as the touching, google "touch charges". It is something I employed in my sitch. One word of advice, they need to be subtle. Like lightly touching her lower back as you have to squeeze behind her in the kitchen. Stuff like that. While you're there look into "talk charges" too. They are also a way to start reconnecting subtlety.
I did find a site that went over what those were and gave 50 examples. It seems I have already been doing some of them, but I will try a few more. Thanks for giving me the correct term to search for.
Originally Posted by Steve85
As far as the finding someone new. Yep, had same urges. "I am a good looking guy, in shape unlike most guys my age, and make good money! This is my chance at a new start!" But the problem with this approach is that without taking the time to learn and grow you will look back in 5 years and realize you got yourself into the same kind of situation with someone new! Those that do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Plus there is the moral side too. A wring doesn't make a right. If you are going to leave your W do it because you can't trust her again and for what she did. LBSs that wait until they find someone new and then pull the plug with their cheating spouse are just as guilty of cheating themselves! Do it right, D your W, and then after you've had time on your own to deal with everything, go find someone new. Otherwise you're trying to put a bandaid on a severed limb, and that never works.
Yeah that is the petty, vindictive part of me talking. I don't intend on doing it that way. Not just for moral reasons though (although that IS part of it), but there are also financial considerations. Right now she is the one that had the A and it gives me grounds to deny any request for alimony she may try to make. If I also cheated then it gives her more power if it does come to divorce. Of course I also don't want to feel like I am using someone else to have revenge sex with either. That isn't fair to them.
My MIL is a practitioner of EFT and apparently teaches it to others. She wanted my W to do it. As far as I recall it has two aspects to it, one is the tapping (physically tapping on acupuncture reflex points), along with a talking part (which is a positive reinforcement or build yourself up/throw off negatives type thing). I recall looking into it at the time (over two years ago now, so I'm a bit vague on the specifics) and having concerns as to the lack of science behind it and also further concerns stemming from our Christian beliefs.
Our S15 is young but very sharp. I'm sure MIL tried to teach it to him as well. He just poured scorn over it (privately, to me). Further, S15 has mild autism and sees a child psychologist regularly. I asked her about EFT and she told me it has no basis and no merit beyond a possible placebo effect. She thought it was dangerous as people would use it instead of real methods of dealing with their problems, with varying consequences (not getting real help, deciding their problems relate to something else and going off track, deciding the situation is incapable of improvement, etc).
Wikipedia has an entry on it here: EFT which states it is generally considered pseudoscientific, with no real merit.
Thanks Joe. That was about what I figured after watching one of the introductory videos but glad to have more confirmation.
Originally Posted by JoeDredd
MIL also gave my W a book written by a lady who had been molested as a child and then had cervical cancer in later life. The lady decided the two events were connected (her mental anguish focusing on that part of her body creating the disease in that area). She therefore wrote a book explaining how every emotional and mental anguish manifests as physical sickness. My W was suffering from a cold (it was winter!) and showed me that the book said it was because I was making her miserable! Good luck to me trying to counter that one!
Honestly man, if your W is that gullible, maybe you could convince her that there is some alien/government conspiracy to keep you and your W apart and that if she gives in and sees other people instead of staying with you then she is letting "THEM" win.
"Come on babe, you have to fight against the mind control technology they are using to drive us apart. We can't let THEM win."
So I forgot to mention that in our MC session on Friday, the W told the MC that the OM had basically discarded her abandoning their "friendship" and that she was upset b/c even though the EA was over she wanted to go back to being friends like they were prior to the EA. The MC asked me how that made me feel. "I have no opinion or feelings about it.", I answered. The MC, was like "Come on, you have to have some feelings about it." I said, "There are only two possible outcomes here. We either stay together or we get a divorce. I have already accepted both outcomes and I know I will be fine either way. So I really don't have any feelings on this." The MC asked the W how that made her feel and she said, "That stings".
My GAL'ing isn't going as well as I had hoped. I have started working on my personal projects around the house. Cleaning in the garage to prep for my wood shop, finished priming the foot locker for painting, etc. Using that time for me and to avoid/ignore the W. However the going OUT part isn't going so well. I have been going out on Friday's and/or Saturday's to places that used to be packed and they all look like ghost towns now. It's like everyone is still terrified of C19. Last night I ended up at a bar and while it wasn't completely dead, there were only 2 large groups each occupying a large table area, and 3 younger couples all sitting separately on obvious dates. This bar has dart boards, I was hoping to find some people playing that I could ask to join but no one was. I ended up drinking only 1 beer while watching ESPN on one of their TV's then going out to my car and listening to an audio book for a while.
How are other people getting out and making new friends in the middle of this C19 mess? Seriously looking for tips b/c what I'm doing isn't working.
One other thing to note. Last night as I was getting ready to go out and the W was getting ready for bed, she point blank asked me if I was planning on meeting some new woman and having a "revenge affair". I froze for a second contemplating all possible answers. I knew if I said "yes", "maybe", or even "probably not" that that would be essentially telling her we are now in an open M which I absolutely do not want. I also knew that giving a firm "no" would take away most of the "mystery" and "worry" of me trying to GAL without her. I didn't want to give any answer, but I ended up going with the "no" to prevent ending up in an unwanted open M. I told her "I take my vows seriously so you don't have to worry about that". She said "Ouch", indicating that she took that as a dig at her her. I told her it wasn't a dig at her. It was just a way to let her know I was not looking for a replacement for her, yet. Then she kissed me goodnight and I left.
How are other people getting out and making new friends in the middle of this C19 mess? Seriously looking for tips b/c what I'm doing isn't working.
I don't have an answer for you, but I am in the same spot from Covid. Most everything is still closed up or empty here. I have gotten to spend some time with family but getting out like that isn't an option yet. I have also kept busy with projects around the house and riding my motorcycle. But I have been looking for other options to get out also.
Originally Posted by TheTexan
I told her "I take my vows seriously so you don't have to worry about that". She said "Ouch", indicating that she took that as a dig at her her. I told her it wasn't a dig at her. It was just a way to let her know I was not looking for a replacement for her, yet.
While I get what you mean here and the tough place this is for you. Hopefully she does have regret and an "ouch" there. She had an A. She completely broke her vows. So it seems normal that she would be sensitive to that.
My W is really sharp; not just intelligent (which she is), but full of good practical common sense. It makes things like buying into the book I mentioned seem so out of place. I think it all comes back to the point that the WW/WAW will see everything as the fault of the LBS, and keep looking for 'evidence' to support that position.
