Alison: I am afraid of all hell breaking loose when I tell him I'm filing for D. And I would like to keep it under wraps if possible until after the summer so I can spend time in my other house if I can. Seeing as he seems to have stolen it from me (I actually feel very aggrieved that he's there, though maybe better than him spending lots of money on rent for his other house he wasn't using). So if the price for that is an hour's walk with a miserable sod once a week then I can tolerate that. Plus I have no other way of knowing what's happening with his job, since he is pretty much NC. So I'm continuing to play the long game at least for the time being.
Still he's taking all this cash out. Then spent £800 on...something. He did get another month's pay though, presumably because he has still not finalised leaving. The whole taking money out and spending money thing is bizarre, is he trying to provoke me into an R talk? Or does he think I don't notice? I find it all so disgusting that staying NC is pretty easy.
I set up all the initial stuff with my lawyer, he says I can get everything drafted ready to file without H being involved. I want to discuss a bunch of stuff with him but would prefer to wait till H gets his money so the picture is clearer, so probably next week. I've been feeling poorly this week and a bit sorry for myself so not really up to discussing D. I will be documenting our financials ready for next week though. And I threw out a bunch of H's stuff this morning, that felt liberating.
Oh yes, that's what I intend to do. I meant when he finds out I'm filing for D. I'm still half expecting him to tell me he's filing for D once he finishes his job, but I've learnt that expectations are pretty pointless in all this.
I'm still trying to catch up on what's been happening with you - mainly skim reading - so I may have missed a bit here and there.
Online dating ... you go girl. And it sounds like you're having a blast with it. You are such a different person from the one I first met here. Have you been inundated with the shirtless men in their 20's (great abs, no brains) ?!?!?
Originally Posted by Dillydaf
I am quite frightened of him actually, don't want to poke him into bad behaviour until I have my divorce ducks in a row
I am completely with you on this. I get told that I let my H get away with far too much, but honestly, sometimes it's just easier to agree with him (when it really doesn't matter) then we get into one of those cold standoff arguments. I tend to just say "Ok" or "Cool" so that the conversation gets shut down. As for checking accounts or your icloud I'm fairly detached, but every now and then something will rear it's ugly head, and I'll whisper b***rd in my head. Nothing to do with wanting him back. More to do with feeling lied to and betrayed. I'd whisper b****rd in my head if I went to work and discovered someone had used my stapler and left me with no stapples.
I get Alison's point too re the walk. I probably wouldn't even go as far as explaining. I'd just say "I'm good, you go". Whilst I tend to just let things slide (these are mostly random comments he makes about the state of the world, people we know etc), when it comes to something that requires an action, I have no issues saying "no" if it doesn't suit.
Yes, FS, it's the lying and betrayal which is just pinpricking its way throughout all this. The OBVIOUS lying and betrayal, because taking out so much cash during a pandemic feels like he's deliberately trying to provoke me or test me or something. I'm not biting yet.
Interesting thing this afternoon. An email to our joint account saying that someone in West Sussex had logged onto our (joint) Netflix account. Our other house is not in West Sussex. And oh look, that £800 he spent a few days ago is about the right amount for a large telly isn't it? I was so ridiculously triggered. I left the email as read. Texted H about something to do with the builder (I had to do this anyway) but asked him if he was there. He rang back about 10 minutes later sounding flustered saying he was at the supermarket and I explained about the builder stuff. There was some evidence that he was at our other house. He immediately rang ds2 to talk to him (interesting timing?) and then about 5 minutes later the email was deleted. Is he setting up home with a blonde with big knockers (I know his type now)? I would so much rather he just told me instead of going behind my back and drip feeding me these little lies and betrayals. Anyway, I'm off to change the Netflix password to something abusive
Online dating has kind of fizzled out a bit. Hard to find someone suitable, though I think I could have sex any day of the week if I fancied it, and with some rather hot 30 somethings too for some reason. I'm looking for a relationship though, even if only a short term one. One where someone cares about my day and what I'm interested in. H hasn't done that for, well, I can't even remember the last time that was the case. I deserve sooo much better than him. He's welcome to his blonde, she will be miserable
They don't do it to trigger us. It is purely that they don't think of us until after the fact, then maybe out of guilt, or an unwillingness to face conflict, they choose to hide it or rationalise it so they haven't done anything wrong, or we did something to force their hand and therefore our fault. It's a form of selfriishness followed by self protection.
That they continue to hide it even after you've seen the evidence is ridiculous. Strangely, I bet, now if you mention seeing the email, he will somehow either say that you're lying or say something like "yeah, so what", like your being neurotic, thereby completely missing the point and again making it seem somehow, like you're in the wrong.
Re-frame it. He is not trying to hurt you. It is not about you. He is doing what he thinks is right (you don't even come into it) and then he hides it to protect himself from a painful emotional confrontation (again, not about you, about him).
I missed the entries about the blonde. How are feeling about that?
Thank you FS, that is helpful. The blonde is a nominal blonde, I am kind of assuming there is one given his secretive behaviour. If I'm prepared for it, it'll hurt less when I find out, right? Probably not.
I am struggling big time today with feelings of rejection, abandonment and not wanting D. This is kind of weird because I had a nice morning out with a walking group which I enjoyed. Met a nice bloke I wouldn't mind getting to know better, he was funny and interesting and foreign. Not bad looking. We had lots in common. But about halfway through the walk I stopped having fun and started feeling these horrible feelings. It was like stepping back in time 6 months or a year. Strange. I don't really know how to get away from these feelings, so I will just feel them and trust that life will seem less horrible in a few hours or tomorrow or whatever. This process is definitely not linear, is it?
It will hurt. There is no doubt. Rejection is rejection. I had a long conversation with an old friend today. Half way through I was in tears. I have no interest in finding out if she’s blonde, skinny, tall or whatever. I have no interest in her at all. But, d@mn, if knowing he is with someone doesn’t increase my own sense of loneliness.
And, yes, I still had those moments when I would be out with people and having a great time, but then, I remember I’m supposed to be sad, and it comes flooding back.
But dilly, those feelings are not about him. Whereas before it was all about him, now they are about me. My loneliness. My feelings of rejection. And I might not be able to fix my M or fix him, but I can fix me. You’ve got this. And it is absolutely ok to miss being part of a couple from time to time. Feel it. Just don’t dwell in it.
Yes, I agree, I knew that it was about me not him. I was having a bad week of online dating plus job hunting rejection. Trying to do both at once is tough, you're constantly blowing your own trumpet and feeling under the microscope, then if you're told you don't measure up it feels like rejection instead of just not the right person/job/time. Oh well.
Things have been crazy this week. After an online dating lull there was suddenly a burst of activity. I think maybe dating more than one person at a time will be like this. I met a nice man on one website and we spent 2 days texting each other. I really liked his sense of humour and his cleverness. He is very smart and funny. Wasn't sure about his physical attractiveness so I moved up our date to Tuesday. Met him and thought maybe it was time to lose my virginity lol. So we spent the afternoon in bed. There were some really good bits and some disppointing ones (dating late 40s/50s guys will have its downsides...) Afterwards we went for a walk and I started feeling a bit trapped. Maybe it was all too much too soon. Kind of glad to have got it out of the way with someone nice though. On paper he is perfect, he's very single, no kids, good job, works not too many hours so plenty of time for me, is funny and smart. Physically he is not that attractive, he is a bit overweight and not fit at all. Looking after my body is very important to me, so being with someone who doesn't value his health is kind of a turnoff. Especially as he works in health! Also, I feel like maybe he's not active enough in terms of other interests. I like to be doing lots of things all the time, both physical and mental. Not sure he's like that. Anyway he has been texting and lot and I feel myself distancing, but I think it's me, not him. I need to have an honest conversation with him about this, he is much too nice to string along or not be honest with. Maybe I should go back to counselling to explore my behaviours here.
Another bloke I dated a few times asked me to go see the solstice with him Saturday morning and I jumped at the chance, when this new bloke wants to see me Saturday. So I guess I'm avoiding him. The solstice bloke, we don't fancy each other but we enjoy each other's company. Maybe I need some companionship right now with no romantic relationships?
The bloke I really fancy has not been in touch much at all. That's not why I fancy him, I really liked him when we met. We had a 3 hour picnic and a lot of fun. I'm not sure why he's so unavailable, but I really want someone to spend more than a few hours a fortnight with. So there's that, too. Typical, the one I really like I can't have
H is finishing his job today I think, and picking up ds1 for a few days visiting. I offered to take ds2 to him for father's day and collect ds1. I need to hear what is happening with his payout, it should be today. I am anticipating an R talk of some kind, probably him saying he wants D. That would be ok I think. I will survive.
Another update. Told the chap I slept with that I wasn't ready for a R, he was really keen on me and he was great on paper but I think I'm so used to my H being horrible to me for so many years that subconsciously I can't handle someone being nice to me. I might stay friends with him. I text one of the other chaps I dated twice a few times a day, we don't fancy each other though so no pressure either side. I have a couple more dates lined up but then I think I might take a break for a while. I'm happy enough with friends and walking groups right now, my life is pretty busy and it would be best focusing on friends and job applications for a bit. H has still not finished his job. I need to talk to him about financial stuff. It's not my way to raise subjects but this is important stuff. In a funny way I have a bit more empathy with H right now, he is not ready for a R with anyone and probably feels trapped if I go anywhere near him, a bit like my last date. I'm in no hurry to push anything along at all, though I will get things sorted in readiness for D without telling H about it yet. Looks like I'm choosing limbo for a while longer. Oh, and my best friend told me about her dad yesterday. 30 years ago when he was 40 he left his career, was spinning and though he was in love with someone and was all ready to leave the family. He came to his senses eventually and is still with her mum. I must ask her how long that all took...
