Pretty intense conversation with IC today. I was talking around the fact that I feel like I can't say what I want to say in my marriage as the outcome is so negative - either silence or conflict - and she asked me to try it out on her - what I wanted to say, what it was I was holding back. It was useful, though I shed lots of tears, and basically amounted to 'this isn't enough for me.'
I'll pick it up next week with her - trying to figure out exactly what would be 'enough' and whether that is a reasonable thing to expect from a partner or something I should be providing to myself, but I know I've had this sort of conversation with her before, and shied away from it. I suspect that it feels easier for me to blame myself, and to think that if only I addressed my childhood issues with more vigour, or gave myself more love and attention through self-care, or reached out to my friends more, then a cold marriage based on practicalities would feel more satisfying, and this gnawing longing I feel for an actual intimate partner would be easier to live with.
I don't think I am going to be able to talk or heal or self care myself out of wanting something that my H is not able or willing to provide. And that's no fault in him - there's I lot I don't like about him, but fundamentally I think I could be happy with an ordinary flawed man who could be honest and open and who wanted my honesty and openness. Equally, I feel sure I could be happy on my own.
What I am struggling with is how much effort it takes to make sure that my longing doesn't show, my frustration about the situation doesn't spill into my speech, and that I go along with the story that H is spinning - that's he's fine, the marriage is fine, and I'm just too needy / damaged / emotional / reliant. I don't really believe that - and I equally don't believe he has any obligation to be or give anything that isn't okay for him.
I know when I go away and have conversations with my friends, do what-ever is passing for GAL in this lockdown, spend happy times with my kids, I just light up. I laugh easily and can give and receive affection and honesty from other people. And when I am in the house with my H, that light goes out. It's just stifling, and disappointing. I don't know how it is for him - I don't see his light anymore and I haven't done for a very long time - if it is in there somewhere, he doesn't show it to me.
Perhaps MC would help, but he's unwilling, and I am weary with dragging him to places he doesn't want to be to have conversations he doesn't want to have. I am starting to think about the world outside my marriage - after lockdown, but now too - where there will be people in my life who are curious about me, and want me to be curious about them. Where I can have that experience of being wanted, and wanting someone who feels my wanting as a compliment and not an irritating demand.
I didn't really expect to go there with the IC today - I feel pretty drained and sad but also that I have a lot of clarity. I am worried I won't have the guts to take action on this. Not that there's a massive amount I can do now though. I will go up to the bedroom and watch a film or read or talk to some friends online, and he will sit downstairs drinking and playing computer games with his headphones on, and he'll either come up after I've gone to sleep, or come up while I'm still awake and try to pick some kind of fight to protect himself against my wanting anything emotional or physical from him. It's like groundhog day - not my life in general - but certainly my marriage. And while a lot of the bad behaviour from him has gone, there's really not that much else left going on between us.
That's tough, Alison, really tough. I do identify with the feeling dragged down instead of lighting up with your H, my H is an emotional black hole when I'm with him, and I also have not seen his light in so long I've forgotten if it ever shone. I have no advice, just offering some compassion to you. It's hard, trying to work out if all of this is worth it! I'm glad you're making progress with your IC though, that's positive xx
I can't say I know what it feels like to go through piecing, but I know what it feels like when you're with in a room with someone and the air feels so thick its stifling. That is exactly what it feels like with my H. I go from chatty smiley FS to emotionless robot in a blink of an eye. I am sure he feels the same. There is simply no energy in the room.
That lack of energy is because your both holding so much in. Fear of rejection, fear of saying the wrong things, fear of accusations, fear of revealing too much. It is easy to talk to strangers - everything is new and interesting. But when you've known someone for a long time, and one or the other feels betrayal (and I would go so far as to say that, rightly or wrongly, you both feel betrayed by the other) then it gets tough. Even talking about the weather becomes nuanced.
I don't know what the answer is and like Dilly I can only offer compassion and virtual hugs.
Do you feel that his attempt at reconciliation is genuine, or is it driven by other reasons (fear of being alone, impact on the children, financial considerations)?
Do you feel your attempt at reconciliation is genuine, or is it driven by other reasons (fear of being alone, impact on the children, financial considerations)?
Listen to your inner voice (even if that voice needs some help being heard via your IC) - your inner voice knows much more than you think it knows.
Oh, Alison. I am sorry you are in this holding pattern.
However, you are so brave to go where you did with the therapist. That's some tough work and it is to be expected that you feel drained and exhausted. As hard as it is to not focus on your M, the real work that is happening right now is on you. And that thread of clarity is a gift. A well-deserved one that has taken weeks/months/years to obtain. Now that you have that thread of clarity, it's OK to just sit with it. Examine it from different angles. Feel it when you are in different moods (tired, happy, sad, angry, right after meditation or exercise) and just really get to know it. You have all the time you need to act on it. Right now this clarity is only yours, private and safe. Keep it that way until you are ready to do something with it. Or until you gain back the strength you need to take action.
Regarding the negative energy in the house with your H, a dear friend of mine who is an extreme empath and very affected by other people's energy creates a mental bubble around her body (in her mind, it is clear-ish pink) and only love and kindness is allowed into that bubble. Everything else cannot penetrate. Meditation can create some of these shields too. Were you able to do a Zoom meditation class this week?
