So much of that sounds like me it's not even funny. I have not installed any spyware, but I actually wrote an app that would capture all SMS messages and send it to my personal server. I decided against installing it though. I struggle with that decision daily. May I ask what the name of that prog was and if you think I should go though with using it?
I can say I have never had an EA of any sort. I'm not saying I wouldn't have if an opportunity ever presented itself, but with me working from home and not really ever going anywhere, the only women I know are either related to one of us, or W's married friends.
Tell me more about these requirements. How do I determine what they are, but more importantly how do I communicate those to the W without sounding like an ultimatum and how do I enforce them?
I did find the book btw. It looks helpful. Thank you so much.
Wow, that was so long ago, 2005, I can't even remember what the applications name was. I just remember installing on the computer, it would capture everything, even keystrokes. It would send things to an email address, but due to it being easier to detect that way I turned it off so it only stored them in an encrypted folder.
Now with smartphones it is so much harder. I thought about trying to get ahold of hers and setting up an application, but the logistics were such, and she was so ready to walk, that I saw that as a bridge too far. She would never cross over that bridge if I built it.
Requirements for staying with her are things like her recommitting fully back to the marriage. IC for her (and you). MC for both of you. Full transparency (so you won't need the app you wrote). Things like that.
Obviously we talked about the first one, needing consistent behavior over a long period of time. If and when that occurs you can then have a conversation about IC and MC. I would hold off on the full transparency discussion until you are both in MC and you can suggest it in that safe zone as something you'll need to be able to trust again. You know, the old "trust but verify".
Glad to help.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't think either of us are FULLY committed yet, but I do think we are both trying to some degree. I already told her that for us to even had a shot I was going to need honesty and transparency, but I haven't asked for access to her phone and I wasn't planning on it until I knew if I wanted to install my app on it or not. I was more meaning in our talks with each other and in our convos with the MC.
W is definitely acting different. She wanted me in the bed room with her again on Tuesday night as she went to sleep. Then on Wed, out of the blue, she came and sat in my huge living room chair with me and put her head on my chest and just lay there for a while. We had some small talk about our D20 and her baby and such. I am not sure if her motivation is to fool me into thinking she has changed or if she is trying to see if being closer to me will change her feelings for me. I don't think for a second that anything substantial has changed yet but I do wish I could know her true motivations.
re: Kissing in long-term relationships, I found an article you're likely to enjoy, TheTexan.
Since we're not allowed to post links here, Google: "Stylist investigates how our kissing habits change in a long-term relationship" I'll let you draw your own conclusions.
re: Kissing in long-term relationships, I found an article you're likely to enjoy, TheTexan.
Since we're not allowed to post links here, Google: "Stylist investigates how our kissing habits change in a long-term relationship" I'll let you draw your own conclusions.
That was quite informative, thanks for sharing it. Although one sentence is kind of troubling, and kind of what I have been worried about:
Quote
"I think it would be very difficult for a relationship to survive without kissing with tongues. Even if you’re still giving each other pecks on the lips or cheeks the relationship is in trouble.”
The Texan, in my sitch I found a book. .... I found the book fascinating.
I have been looking at this and have 1 question: Is this book(s) for just the man, or just the woman, or both? In other words should I let me wife know about this book or is it like the DB'ing book (for the LBS only)?
The Texan, in my sitch I found a book. .... I found the book fascinating.
I have been looking at this and have 1 question: Is this book(s) for just the man, or just the woman, or both? In other words should I let me wife know about this book or is it like the DB'ing book (for the LBS only)?
Mainly for men.
My W read it too. But it is written from the viewpoint of counseling a left behind husband whose wife started an affair and left him.
I'd read it first and then decide if you think your W should read it to. Mine did, and in a way it helped us, because I think she could see I was going to embrace the tough love approach the author supports. But it also hurt us in a way in that she felt kind of justified in what she was/had been doing.
It is insightful. And it also shows that while our behavior didn't help, a lot of this is biologically based.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The Texan, in my sitch I found a book. .... I found the book fascinating.
I have been looking at this and have 1 question: Is this book(s) for just the man, or just the woman, or both? In other words should I let me wife know about this book or is it like the DB'ing book (for the LBS only)?
Mainly for men.
My W read it too. But it is written from the viewpoint of counseling a left behind husband whose wife started an affair and left him.
I'd read it first and then decide if you think your W should read it to. Mine did, and in a way it helped us, because I think she could see I was going to embrace the tough love approach the author supports. But it also hurt us in a way in that she felt kind of justified in what she was/had been doing.
It is insightful. And it also shows that while our behavior didn't help, a lot of this is biologically based.
I have read the book myself. I wanted to believe it when I was still high on hopium because I wanted to think that my WW was a good person and it was not her choice / fault to have affairs. In fact, I wanted to let her read it, but decided against it, since she would just use it as an excuse for her actions. I figured if she cared enough about finding out the root cause of her behavior, she can stumble upon it herself.
Since I have detached enough and moved on, I don't necessarily agree with it anymore. Sure, hormones play a part in everyone's life. But if that's the case, then every woman would be a cheater. And every guy would just say it's nature for me to spread my seeds. Forget about self control, discipline, and commitment.
Loving it, fair points. In the author's defense I don't think she was saying it was an excuse for women, not that it was an absolute. And like I said I appreciated the author advocating the LBH use DB tactics and tough love.
Last edited by Steve85; 06/12/2002:20 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
There are now apparently 2 books from this author, (I ordered PDF versions of them today) the second is geared more toward women and about how to get out of Limbo, but with heavy emphasis on making a decision on what the W really wants after understanding her actions and choices and realizing that no matter where she goes or what relationship she is in, the problems will follow until she accepts responsibility for her own happiness and emotions. It also emphasizes that this decision be made WITH the H about where they both want to go.
I am torn if I want my W to read this second book or not. I feel like I should, because it does call the W on all of her BS but it also point blank tells her that the marriage is over and that if she decides to stay with the H they have to decide together what the new R will be and build it all new from scratch. So while I agree with this, it's hard to imagine handing my W a book that in the politest way possible says "You F'ed up and destroyed your marriage, now you have to either walk away or try to build something new". I guess either way, it will be nice to put this behind me.
The books came with some "bonus" materials that sort of pushes something called "EFT Tapping" as some sort of emotional control meditation as a way to help control emotions and make decisions from a place of logic and reason. This supposedly has shown good benefits for PTSD patients. Anyone ever hear of this and/or tried it?
