If I was to write to a newcomer, I would give the same advice as Steve. But things are different now. She reaches out on a daily basis. On weekends I never meet her since I meet my friends or my brother but she always finds a reason to message me. I know she meets her friends on weekends as well so clearly she is thinking about me quite often.
But the good thing about how I have been during this process is that she knows when I say something, I mean it. If I was to tell her I can't keep hanging out as friends and this has to end, she would know that is the last she'll see of me in a long time or maybe forever.
Although that would be a sad outcome, I'd rather end it and move on than to endure more emotional pain of having her in my life when it's going nowhere.
I'll think of something but I think I'll skip the part of her calling me if she changes her mind But I would walk and I would never look back. That is for sure.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
I'll think of something but I think I'll skip the part of her calling me if she changes her mind But I would walk and I would never look back. That is for sure.
Just out of curiosity what do you not like about that statement?
My GAL couldn't be better, or as good as it can with the restrictions in place. So basically all I can do except for traveling which used to be a big part of my life. My 180s, I haven't thought about in a long time but I feel I got there a long time ago. I quickly made changes that stuck with me now more than a year later.
I am going to challenge this. We can all improve. Constant self-improvement is the one thing I learned in my sitch. To never stop growing, learning, working, becoming better.
Originally Posted by BenB
Lawyers aren't needed here as we had a solid prenup and all I have to do is put the envelope in a mailbox and the D is final. I have until mid October to do that before the divorce is off and we would have to file again.
Then set a date. "Unless she is committed to working on us by Sept. 15th (or whatever you choose) I will drop this in the mail that day."
You are floundering because you have no end goal here. Thus you start to deviate from DBing and get the urge to discuss "us". That is a violation of DB rules.
Originally Posted by BenB
I get the whole when she wants to get back together vs when she doesn't and I'll be confused but the thing is I'm not confused. I'm in between two likely scenarios If I was to bet money on this, the signs I see from her all point to her wanting to get back together. But I highly doubt that she would ever reach out and beg to come back, even if that is what she really felt. She is and always have been scared of putting her self out there. When we first met, I was the one who had to take that step for example, otherwise we would not have been a couple.
Yep, and where did that end you up? Right into D court. Do not repeat the mistakes of the past. I learned another thing in my last few years of life. When I was younger I had women that were unabashed in their interest and desire in me. For some reason I always was pushed away by that. I had to have someone I WAS CRAZY for. That was my goal. Wasted the better part of 2 decades on one woman that strung me along. And then met my W. Similar beginning for me and my W. I was crazy about her, she strung me along for 3-4 months and then finally relented and an R began. Yet I've had 2 sitches in our 21+ years. I look back and realize that the important thing was finding someone that was CRAZY about me. That was willing to move mountains to be with me! I looked for the wrong things an suffered.
Make her work to get you back. If she doesn't, shake the dust of your feet and move on to greener pasture.
Originally Posted by BenB
I'm not saying that means I should chase her now, but I don't agree she would retreat if I was to bring "us" up. She already knows it's a conversation waiting to happen, it's in the air when we meet.
Mind reading. You do not know this. What is in the air is the desire for you to end this limbo you are feeling and break a very basic DB rule. Many have traveled that road before.....and have lived to regret. A couple that have posted on this forum again after a longtime in the last few weeks.
Whatever, you decide, good luck! I am pulling for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If I was to write to a newcomer, I would give the same advice as Steve. But things are different now. She reaches out on a daily basis. On weekends I never meet her since I meet my friends or my brother but she always finds a reason to message me. I know she meets her friends on weekends as well so clearly she is thinking about me quite often.
Sounds like the friend zone. Sorry, but I do not see a discussion about "us" going well. Are there any other benefits she is getting from you by not being D'd? You mention a prenup, does she still have access to funds in the meantime? We've seen WAS delay the LBS from finalizing things due to benefits they are still getting as their legal S. Ask yourself honestly, are you providing things for her that end if the D is finalized?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Doesn't it imply that I'll be around if she changes her mind? If she were to say that she doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, that would be a defining moment for me. For a long time, I felt I had moved on and got to a point where the thought of her being in a new relationship didn't bother me. Then she found that lump in her chest and the thought of losing her to cancer scared me. Being with her through that process brought us closer again and although I haven't let my guard down, I can now see us at least trying to build a new relationship.
But if she was to say she doesn't see that happening, then her messaging me all the time and wanting to hang out, means she has friend zoned me big time and I completely misread all signals. I don't take her out to dinners these days, nor do we do any of the things we used to do as a couple, but she still wants to be around me all the time. I see that as a positive sign. But if she hasn't felt that at all, I am wasting my time here.
I mean, she could call me if she changes her mind but I don't want her to think she can. Should she?
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
She does not have access to any funds. There is absolutely no benefit she gets from being with me in any way except for maybe having my company and hanging out with my dog.
I didn't mean I have gotten there as in I'm fully evolved. That never happens of course. But the 180's of who I am now from who I was back when this started have stuck with me.
There is no urge to discuss us either. I get that it may sound like that. There is no urge for nothing here. No urge for getting back together with her. No urge to have a talk. But I completely understand it may appear that way.
Earlier I have said to her I am not interested in friendship with her. So it just feels weird to keep hanging out as often as we are. The reason I even started answering her emails was when she told me she found a lump in her chest. Up until then, I ignored anything that wasn't absolutely important. Then after finding out it wasn't cancer, we've sort of kept in touch.
If this is friend zone for her, I most certainly need to find out and end it quickly. But please don't misunderstand. The plan was never to discuss "us" and then I suggest well ok you should move back in. There would be a lot she has to prove before I would consider being in a relationship with her again.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Doesn't it imply that I'll be around if she changes her mind? I mean, she could call me if she changes her mind but I don't want her to think she can. Should she?
Benny B its all mindset baby.
This is what I Benny B (the prize) wants (romantic relationship). If that's not what you want right now that's ok. I am going to go out and find someone who does while leading an awesome life. If you change your mind call me. Maybe I am still available maybe I'm not that's the risk you take. (you don't say the second sentence).It's all about the attitude baby. Would James Dean or James Bond let a girl stick him in the friend zone? H3ll no!
Mind reading. You do not know this. What is in the air is the desire for you to end this limbo you are feeling and break a very basic DB rule. Many have traveled that road before.....and have lived to regret. A couple that have posted on this forum again after a longtime in the last few weeks.
Whatever, you decide, good luck! I am pulling for you.[quote]
I'm really not in a limbo. I know how it feels to be in limbo. All of 2019 was limbo. I have moved on, I've dated women and made new friends. She can see me living my life without her and being ok with that. Her reaching out so often, that gives me zero expectations.
I can tell she understands and believes what I say when I say I will do something. So if I am to avoid having any conversation with her about this, there is only one option - tell her not to contact me anymore. Otherwise, she will reach out and want to meet me.
Thank you Steve! I appreciate that!
Last edited by BenB; 06/10/2003:07 PM.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Doesn't it imply that I'll be around if she changes her mind? I mean, she could call me if she changes her mind but I don't want her to think she can. Should she?
Benny B its all mindset baby.
This is what I Benny B (the prize) wants (romantic relationship). If that's not what you want right now that's ok. I am going to go out and find someone who does while leading an awesome life. If you change your mind call me. Maybe I am still available maybe I'm not that's the risk you take. (you don't say the second sentence).It's all about the attitude baby. Would James Dean or James Bond let a girl stick him in the friend zone? H3ll no!
That's true, I need to think about this for a few days.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
There is no urge to discuss us either. I get that it may sound like that. There is no urge for nothing here. No urge for getting back together with her. No urge to have a talk. But I completely understand it may appear that way.
Sorry. Ain't buying it. If this were true that envelop would have been dropped in the mail a long time ago.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
But I would walk and I would never look back. That is for sure.