Sorry, I've been a bit slow posting here. Thank you Neffer and AS!
Since I last posted things have mostly been the same. W contacts me almost every day for various reasons. I never initiate contact. I am unsure how I want to proceed so I'm being very cautious. I am not ready to take her back right now, that I know. I don't know if that is what she wants either.
If I was to guess, W is unsure how she feels and is worried that if she tells me she wants to R, she might regret it and therefore upset me to the point where I go NC again. I don't know what the next step is but I will keep my distance and keep focusing on me.
I'm working out every day, on my rest days I still walk on the treadmill for an hour or do P90x at home. W on the other hand has not lived a healthy lifestyle since she moved out. Eating unhealthy, lots of sugar etc. But she still looks great as usual.
Anyway, just wanted to give you an update on what's happening.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
I’m also using the P90X dvds to get through this difficult time.
You are kinda in a tough spot so a lot probably depends on your detachment.
If you’re super detached then you can play the long game with her.
If you’re not I would invite over and tell her to pick up a bottle wine. Late nature take its course. If she shoots you down then make it clear you are not interested in a friendship.
Hey B! I think you're right, she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. Life without you probably isn't the fantastic experience she thought it would be, but she's not fully ready to recommit either. Just keep doing your thing and being the lighthouse!
Glad to see you back Ben! Awesome getting so much workouts in! What's your murph time? How is your business doing?
With regards to W I think you get some good input already. Since you are unsure yourself, Def give it some time. Keep doing your thing as AS said.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
LH, man that feeling when you're done with P90X plyometrics. Sweating all over and exhausted, love it! You just feel great the entire day afterwards.
I would assume I'm quite detached. So far I've been through her cheating, seeing her with another man walking down the street and having no contact for many months. And I'm doing quite well. I think she has a long way to go still and for that reason, I would prefer to play the long game as you say. Everything that has happened lately I think means she misses me but it could also be strongly influenced by her wanting to have me around as plan B still. In general, she has always been scared to take the first step. But when and if the time is right, I might suggest something like that.
AS, I agree, I will see how the next few months play out. I'm in no hurry to make any decisions either.
M, thanks, I don't do crossfit so I wouldn't know. My focus is on building muscle mass right now without adding unnecessary body fat. Business is paused until next year to begin with so we'll see but financially, I'm ok.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Almost a month since I last posted so I should probably post an update so that the few who remember me can follow the progress
The past few weeks have been similar in many ways. I've been seeing W several times per week, each time initiated by her. She is always the first to message me as well. It's difficult for me to guess what it is she wants. It could either be that she wants to R but doesn't know where I stand and is afraid I would reject her or she is still unsure. A few things I have noticed that are complete 180s from how she were last year -
Weather has been nice lately and she mentioned how it's supposed to be warm all week next week. She said that's nice but in a way she doesn't like it since she feels she has to do something like go out or meet friends when all she wants to do is be home. This is coming from a person who turned in to a teenager when this started and had to be out every day. She couldn't stand being at home back then.
Since W and I started hanging out, I have at no point tried to talk about us a a couple or showed any romantic interest. When she's been here, she's also seen my other phone which I've used for that dating app I mentioned a few posts ago, laying around. Although I haven't logged in in a while, it's still here. I'm sure she must be wondering if I'm going on dates.
I'm wondering if I should bring "us" up. What we are doing now can't go on forever and I'm sure she knows that. But something like asking her where she sees this going. And depending on what she answers, either suggest to go on a date or explain that I'm not interested in friendship and ending this.
Thoughts?
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
No R talks. Just keep DBing. How is your GAL? How are you doing on your 180s? If I asked you to grade yourself on detachment, what grade would you give yourself.
Your options are either to keep waiting, and keep doing what you are doing. Or call your lawyer and see how you can move your D ahead.
If you bring up "us" she will retreat almost guaranteed.
When she wants to get back together, you will know. When she doesn't you will be confused.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am going to disagree with Steve and say be direct and tell her what you want. But you have to be congruent with your words. If she's not interested in a romantic relationship then tell her great and for her to call you if she changes her mind. Then you walk and you never look back.
My GAL couldn't be better, or as good as it can with the restrictions in place. So basically all I can do except for traveling which used to be a big part of my life. My 180s, I haven't thought about in a long time but I feel I got there a long time ago. I quickly made changes that stuck with me now more than a year later.
Lawyers aren't needed here as we had a solid prenup and all I have to do is put the envelope in a mailbox and the D is final. I have until mid October to do that before the divorce is off and we would have to file again.
I get the whole when she wants to get back together vs when she doesn't and I'll be confused but the thing is I'm not confused. I'm in between two likely scenarios If I was to bet money on this, the signs I see from her all point to her wanting to get back together. But I highly doubt that she would ever reach out and beg to come back, even if that is what she really felt. She is and always have been scared of putting her self out there. When we first met, I was the one who had to take that step for example, otherwise we would not have been a couple.
I'm not saying that means I should chase her now, but I don't agree she would retreat if I was to bring "us" up. She already knows it's a conversation waiting to happen, it's in the air when we meet.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
