I'd better set another plate or three next Sunday. Thanks for the ideas. I hadn't thought of mustard Westo - that could be nice.
Just a bit of observation this evening.
S25 came by early this afternoon. 20S had given him a haircut and it - ahem - didn't go well. He then attempted to "fix" it using his beard trimmer which also did not go well so he came home "to pick up some stuff" and to use the clippers.
He seemed to be in a general good humour. He certainly does miss his "girls" though. I did tease him about the lack of a dishes fairy where he is and he said that there is a shortage of woodland creatures to try to train up.
He did grab another load of stuff for his car which included a light-switch cover that I had removed and put into his pile. When I explained that it had been a house-warming gift from his mother's best friend I got an eye roll and he was obviously unhappy about yet another thing being passed via him. Those who are playing the home game may recall the paper towel holder that had been a hand-made gift to his mother from her own now deceased mother.
On one hand, it's part of my character to not throw out things that I believe to have sentimental attachments, especially since my ex-wife had instilled in me an actual real terror of "touching her stuff". It bothers me though that S25 is in the middle of it and it bothers him too. I have no idea if any things have ever actually made it to his mother or not but my conscience rests easier knowing that I made the effort. My conscience is also bothered by having the kids be intermediaries though.
I tried to talk to S about this this afternoon but I don't think that she "got it" as to why this bothered me. I do sometimes wonder if her or my empathy works in different ways. I suspect it does. She was concerned that I was bothered, but not it seemed that S25 was. She was more interested in knowing when the glass front book-case would be leaving.
----
While I was thinking about this on my evening ramble around the village (4.7 km) it brought to mind the things of "mine" that are in my ex-wife's possession. For a variety of reasons - spite being one of them - I gave her ALL of the photos we had (after scanning them) which included a good number of pictures of my family and me growing up. Of those, only one, which I suspect had been accidentally packed when she and her brother stripped the house, ever came back. An old black and white picture of my mother as a young girl.
On one hand, I clearly remember how she had a box of momentoes from a past relationship where she was OW to a married cop. I hated that box. On the other hand, I also, knowing her, suspect that many of the boxes of "her stuff" that I packed up undoubtedly remain unpacked and probably will remain that way as she is rather lazy about that sort of stuff.
The concept of "cheaters regret" comes up here and elsewhere from time to time. Most of us will never know. As many of us can attest, the leaving spouse will often take with them the oddest things that at the time make no sense but perhaps provide them with a "touch-stone" to the past they have left behind. If my ex does ever open up those boxes and sees 26+ years of a loving family and the piles of cards she had sent me that I also threw in where she would repeatedly protest her devotion and appreciation, is there an echo of the person who wrote those inside the person who is seeing them again?
Again - I'll never know.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I have a different take than you on the light switch cover but agree with what bttrfly said. If you MUST return it, mail it. Don’t put s25 in the middle. But here is my different take on both the switch plate and the paper towel holder. It seems to me, if these things really meant something to her, she would’ve taken them when she left. She didn’t. I assume she never asked for them either so it seems pretty clear in my mind that the sentimental attachment is yours and not hers. You think she has a sentimental attachment and therefore make a big deal about making sure she gets things that she left behind and hasn’t asked for. If you don’t want to keep it, either mail it or donate it or throw it out. Just stop putting your son in the middle.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
instead of passing stuff through the kids mail it to her. I too dislike putting kids in the middle.
She's never told me her address so a bit problematic . She was visibly upset when I saw it on the divorce forms. I "do" know where she lives currently as it's on a busy street I drive on several times a week and she has a unique vehicle. Since I only saw it recently and according to the real estate listing the house was bought last October, I expect she was carefully parking out of sight in the garage up until now.
I joke with S from time to time that it would funny to just dump the book case on her driveway but it would probably not be worth it.
When I say that she "pulled the hole in after her" - she has really retreated. Scary in many ways and makes me wonder what she's afraid of. In all the years we were married I think I only ever raised my voice twice and one of those was after I found out about her affair when I yelled "why the f... are you still here?". I do know that she was afraid of my ability to speak clearly and form a narrative - towards the end she complained that she couldn't put things into words as well as I could. But then again, I still do honestly think that she had scrambled eggs for brains back then. It's been suggested that she's afraid to face me and the truth of what she did. If indeed OM isn't the prize that she thought, that certainly could add to it. If anything I've improved in the years since she left as well. I think I look younger and am more outgoing and active than I was when I lived in her shadow.
I've talked to mutual acquaintances / friends and none of them have heard nor seen much of her at all for quite a long time. Even the ones she used to be really close with who stood by her when she decided to cheat.
I have enough compassion and perhaps enough brains to just leave her be and let her get on with whatever life she has secure in the belief that it is completely out of my sight. So no mailing or deliveries. Thank heavens that there is just the one thing left.
PS - the place that S's S17 is moving to is 2 doors down from my ex-wife's place. Ah - small town joys.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Ok - now just donate anything else of hers. I'm serious - she's had more than enough time to claim anything she really wanted, even furniture, now that she's been in her new place for so long. I think you can safely assume that anything else you have of hers is of no value to her - and she might even see you passing things to her as some kind of bid for attention (even though I know your intentions are just kindness). So sell or donate her stuff but get rid of it. She's fired you from the job of caring for her stuff. And S deserves to live in a space without too many ghosts of your ex hanging around. Somebody out there could surely use that glass front bookcase, sell it or free cycle it.
I have a different take than you on the light switch cover but agree with what bttrfly said. If you MUST return it, mail it. Don’t put s25 in the middle. But here is my different take on both the switch plate and the paper towel holder. It seems to me, if these things really meant something to her, she would’ve taken them when she left. She didn’t. I assume she never asked for them either so it seems pretty clear in my mind that the sentimental attachment is yours and not hers. You think she has a sentimental attachment and therefore make a big deal about making sure she gets things that she left behind and hasn’t asked for. If you don’t want to keep it, either mail it or donate it or throw it out. Just stop putting your son in the middle.
^^^^ What Dawn said.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Ok - now just donate anything else of hers. I'm serious - she's had more than enough time to claim anything she really wanted, even furniture, now that she's been in her new place for so long. I think you can safely assume that anything else you have of hers is of no value to her - and she might even see you passing things to her as some kind of bid for attention (even though I know your intentions are just kindness). So sell or donate her stuff but get rid of it. She's fired you from the job of caring for her stuff. And S deserves to live in a space without too many ghosts of your ex hanging around. Somebody out there could surely use that glass front bookcase, sell it or free cycle it.
^^^ What kml said
I will add - ask your son if he wants any of these things before you dump em. Then you can be sure you've done all due diligence. Some things I was holding on to because I thought they meant something to my son. Turns out they did not. They were donated and presumably have good homes.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I agree with bttrfly. I purged a lot when XH left but hung on to a few specific things in case the girls wanted them. Turns out they didn’t so those got purged too. I’m not saying don’t ask your son because he may very well want certain things but I just don’t think they hold the sentimental value to them that you think they do. Purging is a good thing. The thrift stores in our town LOVED me. And I’ll be honest, a few select items, mostly things that were personalized, were just tossed and that felt good too. I’ve said before and I’ll say again, let it goooooo, let it gooooo (in my best Elsa from Frozen impersonation).
By the way, I agree with kml too. I see S’s point and I have been the one who moved into the XW’s house and it can be uncomfortable with those ghosts from the past are sprinkled around. Even now, the house Sparky and I live in was the one he once shared with his last partner, who he was with for 17 years. Because she moved out in a hurry and there is stuff stored in the back 2 bedrooms, I occasionally find random pictures and small items that are hers, especially now that I’m actually working on going through stuff. If Sparky wants to forward these things to her that is fine but if not, I’m tossing them because I’m not storing her stuff.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Happy Saturday! I have clothes on the line, a tummy filled with pancakes and back bacon and a fresh pot of tea beside me. I'm the only one other than the cats stirring in the house.
Today S's D25 is getting married. Because of social distancing requirements, only the mothers are attending. She's coming here this morning to get made up etc. One of D25's favourite flowers are peonies, white ones especially. She bought some at the dollar store. Coincidentally, all three varieties of peonies, pink, multi-coloured and yes, white are blooming in the garden here this morning. She'll be taking whatever she needs - hopefully ant free. I'd mentioned about cutting them the night before to give the ants a chance to find new accommodations, but they are still in the garden.
The house is getting full of stuff and there's still quite a bit more to come. I've chosen to purge the bookshelves of many of my own physical books and need to find a new home for them. Mostly science and nautical fiction paperbacks. Some of them aren't in the greatest of shape. The reality is that few of them have been read in the past 10 years and I've converted to digital for most books. Ones that are important to me are being kept but the rest I'm letting go.
S is bringing in a lot of books. Most of them of the self-help variety etc. A certain amount of fiction. I had an impression of her as a reader but the reality doesn't match up. Most times she's just playing games on her phone and sometimes watching crime dramas on TV. On the other hand, I'm now back to reading almost as much as I was pre-bomb-day. A combination of old classics, newer fiction and books on leadership and history.
The "stuff" will get sorted out over time. We've talked and I've been assured that it will all be gone through and rationalized. I've said that I have every expectation that it will take more than a year, especially for things like seasonal decorations. Meanwhile there will be much underfoot.
We had a bit of a difficult episode to navigate yesterday which is where I'm exploring my thoughts. S's D19 who when younger had a fairly severe gluten allergy decided in the last year or so that she no longer did. She's now had a rather sever reaction and her digestion has gone all wonky. She was by with her BF (and dog) earlier in the week and her Mom fed her broth, guided her through her medical appts etc. The tests came back pretty much confirming that D19 is now full blown celiac. One of the reasons they were by earlier in the week was because BF's car died yet again between my village and the one they live in with S's STBX (confusing yes). So they made it back here and stayed overnight. The car is in my driveway and I've been "assured" that it will be leaving in the next few days.
Yesterday at the end of the day S came home with D19, BF, and dog in tow along with a certain amount of luggage completely unannounced and as rather a surprise to me. She had a quiet talk with me later and let me know that D19 was needing her "mom" and that they would be staying for a few days until her digestion is acting better. I let S know that I am fully in favour of helping out a kid in need and that any of her kids and my own kids were welcome to this place as a temporary refuge. I made it clear though, like we had talked about multiple times and agreed that under no circumstances were they, especially BF moving in here. I also told her that I was unhappy about not being consulted in advance which she agreed that she should have done but that events (and the entitlement of D19 and BF - more later on that) overtook her.
I don't like BF. He gives off a disturbing "creepy" vibe and any time he's around I can feel the whole environment darken. He barely talks or interacts with anyone else but does spend all of his time on various devices and social media. He came here with his GF and on one hand, that's good - supporting your partner. They do live together. But then he went up to S13's room where they are staying, shut the door and ignored everyone else. He showed up to eat dinner.
For some history, he moved in with S and her family (a single mother on fixed income) some years ago because it was "too difficult" for his own mother to take him back and forth to his after school job. He's I think 20 now, never held down a full time job anywhere and worked at a coffee shop in the back. Neither he, nor his mother contributed to his upkeep financially or practically. When she was of legal age (and probably before) he and D19 were doing the horizontal mambo and eventually became acknowledged as a couple. They didn't like the "rules" at S's apartment and for a few months moved in with BF's mother. Who didn't like D19 at all and so they moved back to the apartment. When it became obvious that S and I were going to be a couple, D19 moved in with S's STBX (keeping track of the pins and yarn on the cork-board?) and BF moved back in with his mother. Except that he started showing up at D19's. Started staying over and then - undoubtedly without it being actually asked, moved in. They pay I think $50/month for hydro which D19 is annoyed at having to pay anything.
D19 is a bright, cheerful girl. She is also a bit of a "taker" but is a hard worker. She works at an auto-parts company in addition to modeling and acting. She is "very" pretty although when I see the professional pictures of her posing and made up I feel weirded out because to me she's just a little girl.
When they are together it is really creepy. From what I understand it was worse when they were first coupled with BF literally physically all over D19 "all" the time. Even now, when he notices that she exists, he's constantly touching and "all over" her. D19 and BF have a rocky relationship and everyone expects them to break up at any time. But BF has firmly barnacled himself to D19 and it is what it is. He has no job despite being more than capable of working. Has no interest in working either and no plans about how he'll support himself. No thoughts about higher education either.
He has some money that he inherited that he talked about buying a condo in Toronto with (must be a fair amount) that I presume he is using for food etc although I expect that D19 with her paycheque is paying for most everything.
As an aside, he strongly reminds me of a friend of my son's who "had problems with his mother" and ended up moving in here for a short while some years ago. It played out in a similar fashion where the kid just took advantage of the hospitality, had no plans on doing anything else. He had a history of couch surfing from friend to friend and when his mother came by to drop stuff off they got along great. This kid eventually went in to business with his mom and started dating 20S. Moved in with her along with his younger brother, treated 20S like staff, gave her an STD and cheated on her.
I ended up giving my son an ultimatum that his friend had to move out and that if he needed it, that there were social service programs that would assist and that I would help them navigate. Little to my surprise, he moved home with his Mom when he couldn't fee-load here.
I'm not saying that both kids are the same, but there's a certain similarity.
So - in my rambling way - I am glad that S agrees with me that these kids aren't going to move in and take over. It is going to be a relief when the "darkness" that seems to just surround BF is going to lift. I believe he knows that he is unwelcome here and that this is a much different dynamic than the other places that he's wormed his way into. I've been assured that they are only staying the weekend at the most and will be firm on that. S has reminded me correctly that we can't pick what partners our kids have and have to respect those choices even if we don't agree with them.
Sigh - there are lots of times when I think that being single was far more simple. Given the circumstances of the new relationship with S, her moving in, the dynamics around both of our families and add on top all the stress etc I have with work, it's not too much of a surprise that right now is difficult. I'm still confident that it will all be worth it and in many ways am unsurprised that there are bumps along the road.
Well - tea is just about done. Time to head off for groceries and errands. I have a stack of masks ready to take with me. S's D25 is with D19 right now getting ready for her wedding. S has gone to the flower shop to pick up the bouquet etc. BF hasn't emerged.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
. She was visibly upset when I saw it on the divorce forms. I "do" know where she lives currently as it's on a busy street I drive on several times a week and she has a unique vehicle. Since I only saw it recently and according to the real estate listing the house was bought last October, I expect she was carefully parking out of sight in the garage up until now.