I am okay. Things continue to be quite difficult at home but I am taking my space and looking after myself. H seems in a slightly better temper after his time off shift, and perhaps a lot of time on his own was needed (I certainly wasn't seeking out his company). I know he isn't responsible for soothing my feelings of stress and anxiety and while he might have fears or opinions about what happens when I withdraw to do that for myself - just as I do when he does it - that's his problem.
I guess I have been trying to be curious about that fear of mine. H wasn't abusive towards me - he was grumpy and tried to pick some silly fights and he had clearly no self awareness about it and wasn't able to ask directly for what he needed. None of that is on a scale with the type of behaviour I've been subject to in the past. But my reaction - fear and near paralysis - followed by, I have to be honest, a fair bit of contempt, is what I want to look at now.
I think H has a 'truth' about how things are between us - that he'd solid, steady, long suffering, selfless and when things are difficult or stressful for him, he's sometimes not at his best. And that he's saddled with a hysterical, demanding wife who can't seem to cope with basic things, and now and again he gets totally understandably overwhelmed by her needs and lashes out in ways that should be understood and forgiven. He likes a bit of a banter and he gets annoyed by the fact that sometimes this sensitive wife of his cannot take a joke.
My truth is that I'm creative, passionate, interested and empathic and I do much of the emotional lifting in parenting and our relationships. I initiate the time we spend together, the sex we have and the conversations we have. And when I don't, these things don't happen. When I am stressed or upset, I generally receive criticism and blame and when he is stressed, he generally also blames me. Sometimes in his anger he can be extremely cruel in ways that have been in the past absolutely abusive and still sometimes border on it. When he loses control of himself, it is always my fault, or the kids' fault. He doesn't like to apologise as it makes him feel 'one down' when really his truth is that he's 'one up'. His sense of humour is usually on one theme - that I'm useless at something and he needs to be the one to sort it out. He will find that endearing until he finds it annoying. But it actually isn't true: I'm extremely competent at things he's less sure of and that probably intimidates him.
What I notice is that when we have any kind of conflict, however minor, I hear him out. I didn't used to. I get really upset and then it was all about soothing my emotions. But that doesn't happen now. What happens is I give him space and so long as he is being respectful, I validate how he feels and thinks about the world. Even if I don't agree. I also notice that it is rare I get any of that back. Generally when I try to say how things are for me, his response is to tell me what I am doing wrong, where I am falling short. I have explained that I don't need a solution, I need care and empathy, but he doesn't really have skills in that area. I see glimmers of it - more than I did in the past - but I looks like it costs him great effort and isn't something that comes from his heart. I suspect we're at the stage of piecing where I need to speak my own truth a bit more.
We had a bit of a show down this morning. Not shouting, not abusive, but it wasn't particularly pleasant either. He made another one of his little comments about my uselessness as a parent and I challenged him on it, which for the sake of peace I don't usually do.
I said I was really tired of the 'theme' of our relationship being him as the weary long suffering victim, and me as this hysterical liability. I said for me, the truth was something different, and I wanted him to hear it even if he didn't agree. He agreed to listen. I said that my truth was that for a long time, he'd acted in abusive and bullying ways towards me, had been dishonest and manipulative, had evaded many opportunities to get insight into that behaviour and instead preferred to blame others for it. I said the kids needed my talent at humour and empathy and connection, that was a hugely valuable part of the jigsaw of what we as their parents could offer them, and that his one-up-man-ship and point-scoring and examining of every relationship in terms of its transactional value had lost him the trust of his son and I wasn't going to take responsibility for that. I said that it was my belief he'd cancelled the session of therapy with his therapist I'd been invited to because he didn't want me to meet her, he didn't want there to be a chance for my truth to be present in that room. I said that quite a lot of the time I swallowed what I wanted to say as I was still afraid of being punished by withdrawal and silent treatment or verbal abuse and bullying and I didn't want to live in fear any more, so I would be saying what I wanted a lot more, and if he did punish me, I wouldn't be staying in the relationship.
At this point, he interrupted me and said he didn't want to hear it. I said no, I know you don't want to hear it. And you don't have to like it or agree with it, but I want to say it so I am going to say it, and you can either be there and respectfully listen, or you can leave. But I don't want to be in a relationship where my truth and my experiences aren't allowed to be expressed. And I don't want to be in a relationship where when I say something you don't like, the response is some kind of emotional punishment.
I left it there - came away to work. Now he's sitting, as usual, with his headphones on playing computer games which is exactly what I expected. It might be he is just processing and I will keep an open mind about that, but I suspect I'm in for another few days of sulking and fight-picking and my tolerance for it is just about gone.
It sounds like you're in such a rough place. I've been thinking a lot about you, especially because my H has some tendencies similar to yours, though not as extreme. Mine also has this automatic blame response where whenever anything goes wrong, blame goes to the nearest person-- usually me-- though I will say this has been much improved over the past year.
I have also noticed that your H has improved in some of these areas quite a bit, like that weird mocking behavior is pretty much gone now, right? Also, I think it is really wonderful that you've been able to adjust your own responses (it has been an inspiration for me), like hearing him out when he's upset rather than making it about you and your emotional response to his behaviors (a pattern I also fell into quite a bit).
However... eventually, and I suspect this is where you are, you can make all the changes you want, and he will either be able to respond in kind, or not-- and then you do have a decision to make. I guess I just wonder if MC is an option for you two. It doesn't seem like he will be able to move past where he is right now without some level of professional help. He also has to truly desire change, and it sounds to me like you aren't sure he's able to pull out of whatever space he is in right now to truly care about how his actions are affecting you (and also your eldest) and commit to doing his part to changing these dynamics.
I do agree it is time for you to speak your truth and I was actually cheering when I read what you told him, especially the part about knowing he didn't want to hear it but was going to have to anyway. I'm hoping you can continue to take care of yourself as your first priority.
Thinking of you.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself Alison. Trying to work out how to be compassionate for your H and how much slack to cut him due to stressful job stuff is difficult when these impinge on you getting your needs met. It certainly was always an issue in my marriage, and I allowed far too much terrible behaviour by excusing my H all the time. He's tired, he's stressed about X or Y, he needs a holiday, etc. They might have been true but it was always something. As a good friend said 'it's always been all about him'. And my H is a terrible blamer too, which meant he was never asking for his needs to be met either, not a healthy place.
I agree that MC could be useful, there's only so much you can do by working on yourself and asking for your needs to be met. Things don't sound very positive right now
I agree MC would be a good idea. I don't think even in the best of times our communication is up to much. Last summer we went for one or two sessions together, and the MC said she didn't think H was ready, and saw him on his own for a few months. There was a bit of to-ing and fro-ing about when I'd come back in - he wanted me to, and I wanted to wait a while, and then when I finally agreed to it and scheduled a session, I was sick and couldn't make it, then a few days before the rescheduled session he abruptly cancelled it and told her he wouldn't be going back - by text. He told her it was because I wasn't comfortable. Which at the time I challenged him on as being a self-serving lie. It did take me a while to make up my mind to do it and be ready, but once I'd agreed to it, I never once said anything other than I was committed to going and hoped it would be good for us. I think he didn't want me in the same room as her - either he'd told her something he was worried about me knowing, or he was worried about me telling her something he didn't want her knowing. It could be something very significant, or something trivial. Years ago, when we first met, he actually told his mother I didn't like her and didn't want any contact with her (totally, totally untrue) because he was uncomfortable that she and I seemed to be getting on okay. I dealt with that really quickly at the time and telephoned her and said it was rubbish, and I'd no idea why he said that, and it was all brushed under the carpet (though I suspect during or at the end of our separation he's said something similar to his family as there's no contact at all from them towards me these days, and there used to me). I actually brought this - the nonsense he told the MC before ending therapy with her - up again when I gave him his Home Truths the other day, and said his failure to seek help or sabotage the help we did get wasn't anything to do with me feeling comfortable or not and he'd lied to his counsellor about that. I still see my IC - by electronic means these days.
I am weary, to be honest. He's been perfectly polite with me today - and some of this is lockdown blues, and our jobs being stressful, and these strange circumstances we're in. I can't fault the practical support he is giving me and I know that is his way of communicating love and commitment. But I certainly don't feel respect or any emotional intimacy from him. He has improved a lot on some things, yes, but his fundamental character is who he is and it isn't fair to want to change that. And it's very hard to want closeness with him. His life and interests seem quite narrow from my perspective and it is hard to find anything I want to do with him (he likes to spend his evenings playing computer games, doesn't have any friends and doesn't have any interest in getting to know my friends). My GAL sustains me a lot and that was a really good thing for me personally, and I means I both have more to bring to the marriage and general conversation, have a better perspective on what is okay by me or not and what kinds of things other than my marriage make me happy. But the marriage itself... well, it is disappointing and this is not where I hoped we'd be when I look back on where we were last year. I know these things take a lot of time and a lot of work, but I am tired of the work.
I can understand being tired, and also disappointed. Gosh relationships are hard work aren't they? Your H does not sound like a barrel of joy I suppose it's a matter of working out whether what he does give you is enough, knowing that no marriage is perfect and compromises always need to be made. The lack of emotional intimacy is bad though, you can overlook all manner of other stuff if you can both be honest with each other and receive honesty back. He doesn't seem prepared to put in the effort for that though, would anything motivate him to do that do you think?
Yes, I think the lack of emotional intimacy is at the root of it - and some of that is on my shoulders as I have been hiding what I really think about him and us and our situation - partly because of my fear of his reaction. I can't blame him for that as if my telling the truth prompts punishment or abuse from him, I am much more capable than I was of putting a stop to it and I do know that for sure.
I don't know what would motivate him. He's a classic distancer and I suspect it would be years of no-contact and utter isolation that would get him wondering about what it was he was doing (rather than other people) to create those circumstances in his life. I'm not willing to do that as a manipulation tactic - I'd rather end the marriage and live alone than have to Go Dark in an In House Separation to get him to feel the loss of me. I'm so tired I'm just totally unwilling to do anything to extract any kind of affection or compliance or anything at all from him.
I think self-care has to be it right now.
He is being very warm and reasonable with me today, and I have to bear in mind how utterly awful his job is right now - and how tired and stressed he is. And he's an introvert - which isn't the same as being a distancer - and I know when he gets home from a 12 hour shift he's so depleted he just can't bear any emotional 'demand' at all. It's a shame his needs in a marriage run absolutely the opposite to my needs, and my way of getting my needs met involves GAL and not turning to my H. We may just, in the end, be incompatible, or it might be that in easier circumstances and my having more contact with people who actually like being around me, is enough to shore things up for a while.
Emotional intimacy is hard, even harder when you have been hurt. There's no hurry is there, you can wait until his job stuff is easier and see if things can improve. It does take 2 to work on a marriage after all. Keep up the GAL and the self care xx
Yes! I echo May! Hijacking your thread to share what I am going to do over the next few weeks (going to hold you accountable, girlfriend, so chime in with yours):
*I want to know the history, story and every little detail of at least ONE historical painting. An art historian of one piece of art, if you will. I think I know the piece I want to study, but I might need more time.
*Create or find a new music playlist that moves me. Expand my current playlists.
*Meditate at least 3 times a week, if even for 5 minutes.
*Stay in my heart when my mind wants to revert to 'fight or flight' at least once a day (here's looking at you, unruly homeschool-hating children of mine)
*I want to take an online class with The School of Life (in London, check them out if you haven't already. Alain de Botton is my current philosophical crush)
*Spend less time on my phone and more time being present in the real world
*Go for a hike in the mountains twice a month
*Greet my children as if they are the most important thing in my world at that moment when they come inside with something to tell me (FFS, the damn dishes can wait)
*Read a book a week, nothing R related
*Watch a documentary a week, on some topic that I don't know anything about
*Finish putting art and family photos up on my walls (we did a reno and our M crisis started when we moved back in so I haven't had the energy to decorate)
Get out to the beach with the dog and my kids - rain or shine. Preferably more than once.
Get back to my meditation class, which is holding sessions on zoom and which I was going to three times a week before the last fortnight or so, when I dropped off with it.
Get that list on my phone of films I feel like watching and treat myself to a few of them to watch in the evenings.
Do some baking.
Some pampering time - long bath with a comforting book, hot tea, all the nice bath oils I have been saving for best.
I suppose it's a matter of working out whether what he does give you is enough, knowing that no marriage is perfect and compromises always need to be made. The lack of emotional intimacy is bad though, you can overlook all manner of other stuff if you can both be honest with each other and receive honesty back. He doesn't seem prepared to put in the effort for that though, would anything motivate him to do that do you think?