Omg may you are too funny. And guess what? I also got Botox for the first time after BD!!! Lol!!!! Although I didn’t plan on doing it, I was in the drs office for a laser skin treatment, but they ended up recommending Botox also. I was feeling brave so I agreed. I have to say I’m not a big fan of it yet, my forehead area sure felt kind of strange for a few weeks lol. But I totally am there with you that I wanted to do something for myself. It is superficial and shallow? Sure. Can the money be used somewhere else with more significance? I think that question itself is you judging your own decision. Doing something good (donating money to a cause) and self-care are not mutually exclusive. It’s not either or. You can do both. It’s like feeling guilty buying a $7 latte. You shouldn’t feel guilty. It’s your own money, do what you want with it. The value you derive from it will not be the same for somebody else. You are caring way too much about how he’d perceive it. (Wasn’t the whole point for you to do something for yourself and not care what he thinks?)
I told my H about the laser skin treatment (couldn’t hide it really, i had scarring on my face in the beginning) but I didn’t tell him about the Botox. But I also didn’t tell any of my girlfriends. I was a little embarrassed and I didn’t want to be perceived as one of those women on real housewives (which I am so not lol!!!). But frankly it’s nobody’s business. I don’t feel guilty for not telling him, and I don’t think there is a need to tell him. If one day he notices and asks I will go with the flow and let him know. I think of it as...if you buy a really expensive moisturizer, would you give that much thought about whether you should tell your H about it or not? If money is not an issue, who cares? Pamper yourself. Love yourself the way that you want to. It’s probably safer to go to a drs office for Botox than going to a grocery store anyway. Ha.
Another thing I kinda wanna try is eyelash extensions. But I think there’s a lot of maintenance and upkeep and I’m too lazy for that.
I’m so glad we’re talking about something fun for us ladies!! Lol!!
Honestly the botox thing is super confusing for me because in my head I would've thrown that sh** in his face the second I did it. Like look at me getting hot for literally any one but you. But that goes back to our petty conversations...lol. But I do get the withholding things. I've been digging in to a lot of childhood stuff with IC and I really really want to tell my this man I see as my best friend about a lot of things I left out about my relationship with my mother and her boyfriends, and her husband. I want him to understand why a lot of the things I do and say are a trauma responses. And that I don't mean to control. Or talk over. Or bury things until I explode. But I feel like why would I want to say these super super personal things to a person who doesn't even know if he wants to stay married to me. Why would I expose my self like that? I feel like the botox is your thing here. Why expose your self to ridicule or judgement or let him into something that made you feel like crap about yourself when you have no idea if investing like that will give you any return.
That all being said, I don't think it's selfish or silly if you get the treatment in a couple weeks. I'm with Wooba. There's a bigger chance of exposure for essentials than something non-essential and if this is taking care of May, take care of May. How you want to handle it with H, well at least you have a little more time to think on that.
Haha Wooba, WF! Wooba, I loooooove that you did it too. I actually also have been getting laser skin treatments After BD, I told H I was going to spend some money on myself and I expected not to hear a word about it. And I didn't. I got some pretty expensive facials, haircuts, lost 20 lbs (now creeping back up), laser hair removal and laser facials (Genesis is pretty amazing), collagen supplements, and Botox. I can do 25 pushups in a row (got up to 40 but that was back in November, been lazy in the past few months). I bought a bunch of new clothes, nice swimsuits, took time to go to yoga and swim. Botox is also the one thing I haven't told anyone about (now except for you guys here!!).
WF, for me it wasn't about telling him what I was doing but just doing it... and yes, tbh, I hoped he noticed. (The laser hair removal was a part of me reclaiming my sexuality and I think when he noticed *that* it was a little of the "look at me getting hot for the next guy" lol). But the majority of it was being confident in myself and how I looked especially if I was going to get back on the market so to speak, and feeling sexy/like a woman instead of just a sloppy mom.
I actually have gone back to get laser treatments the last couple of weeks and he knows and was totally cool with it... and I'm sure that the Botox will be even less potential risk than the laser treatment, which he was fine with. I just have been trying to think about if things were reversed.... we've been discussing the relative safety of everything we've been doing, and I just feel like doing it secretly feels wrong. I don't want to be in a position where it comes back that I did something in secret. If it wasn't for the lockdown it would be no big deal, I'd just still be doing my thing and he wouldn't even know nor would it be none of his business-- Wooba, just like you describe. It is just this weird combination of us in this sloooooow maybe-beginning-piecing place, with me feeling like I'm not secure enough in where we are right now to tell him this one thing, but also that it would be hypocritical of me to do it secretly in the current sitch.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I love that you girls are doing something for yourselves!! Anything that brings a tiny bit of self-confidence back in the face of rejection is totally A-OK. I mean, isn’t it better to get a little bit of personal work done than have an ACTUAL affair to boost your self-esteem? Pick your poison? I would choose the same path as you, May & Wooba.
And May, I get the whole ‘exposure’ argument, but in light of the exposure your H put you through by sleeping with someone else, a session in a hygenic doctor’s office (safer than a grocery store right now!) pales in comparison. If you get s*** from H for taking care of yourself and doing what feels good to you (in a non-cheating way), then he is not worth your time. Sorry, that’s harsh. But I don’t think you should be ashamed or guilty when you bring this up to him. (Coming from a woman whose H NEVER liked me even wearing makeup, despite his career working with models). You do YOU, girl and don’t be sorry for it!
But I get the side of you that needs to be honest with him. In light of your need for him to be honest with you. You need a level playing field, right? I guess my only caution is to not approach this as the same level of ‘honesty’. Tell him, if that makes you feel OK, but don’t approach it in your heart as the same level of dishonesty. Stand tall, be beautiful, and say ‘while you were busy ELSEWHERE, I chose to do this for myself and it feels right and makes ME feel good about myself and I am going to continue it’ and close the door on the discussion.
I love reading this. May, I don't think you have any obligation to tell your H what you do with your personal money and your body. I get what you're saying about taking a risk with exposure to Covid (much less than picking up groceries or putting fuel in the car though, probably...) and wanting to be honest, but you know, every marriage needs mystery and I don't tell H what happens at the beautician either. We have a similar amount of spending money each month and I have no idea what he does with his - I spend half and save half and planned to take the savings and go on a holiday somewhere later this summer - I hadn't even discussed the thought with him and I know we have our problems, but I also know that 100% he wouldn't mind this.
Having said all that, I think my H would have a problem with botox too. I don't care to have it right now, but if that changed, I would 100% go get it and not tell him so long as the money wasn't impacting on family finances. I sometimes joke about having a breast augmentation (I'm naturally slight and two lots of breast feedings have not been kind to me) and he really strongly objects to that too. I actually don't want either of these things enough to bother with the conflict, but I think I'd stick to my guns if I felt strongly about it. I have many tattoos - some of them quite large - and I know he would prefer me not to have them. *shrugs*
I think I've let my self-care go a bit recently. I dress smartly for work - but now I am working at home I am mainly in my dog-walking clothes and hair scraped back. The hair salons and beauty places aren't open here yet, and I don't have any regular treatments along the lines you are discussing but I have been feeling so BLEAUGH lately, stuck in the house so much in my scruffy clothes. I suspect I've put on a little weight (just a little) and definitely feel unfit and out of condition. I need to step up a bit in this area and get myself feeling good again.
Thanks Sage, Alison. I know you're both right. It truly is none of his business anyway. And I agree about the relative safety of a doctor's appointment. We just spent a couple of hours at a protest and while everyone was wearing masks, I was thinking it was kind of ridiculous that we've been so, so careful all this time and I'm worried about going into a doctor's office for a 10 minute appointment with a mask on and here we are with thousands of other people. Ugh. Also, I actually don't really think he would care all that much, especially once he realizes he didn't even notice and I've been doing it for a year. It is more that it feels enough beyond the run-of-the-mill self-care and I don't want him to think I lack self-confidence in my looks at this particular juncture. He knows it has bothered me for ages. Anyway, I really appreciate everyone's advice here. I think I'll keep my end of the month appointment and just decide if I want to tell him about it or not as we get closer.
With money, we have never really had separate money. We have an informal thing where we check in with the other if we're spending more than usual on something, or buying something for the house we usually talk it through, do research, etc. TBH, before BD I was the one who was more stingy with $ and would get annoyed with him for spending $ on things I thought were just for him ("selfish") or frivolious. Probably plays into the whole control thing. Whereas he always encouraged me to spend $ on myself and I never really wanted to because I felt guilty. This was the dynamic for a long time and he has said even now he feels guilty when buying something for himself, even though (like surfing) I really came to the realization that I was being horrible to him on this a year or so ago and stopped caring if he spent money on records or t-shirts or expensive beer or whatever he wants. (I used to get REALLY annoyed about the records.) Even throughout this whole past year, he'll still say hey, I'm going to buy X, is that OK, I say sure I don't care, and i think he still feels a little guilty. So maybe that dynamic is playing into this a little bit--the idea of spending money secretly-- and is definitely something that I am responsible for creating.
Alison, I am such a huge proponent of self-care. I really think it helps in all areas of your life when you can check all those boxes-- enough sleep, exercise, and hydration are the most important, I think. All I ever wear now are tank tops and yoga pants and I'm eating like it is going out of style, but I am trying to keep up with working out at least a bit. I could do better here too. (Also-- maybe it is time for you to get a new tattoo???)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Is he afraid to admit he made a mistake and put people he love through a world of hurt? It's not like he doesn't know this, on some level. When I have felt that way about mistakes in my past (not even marriage related necessary) - sometimes the 'for what' is to grow as a person and learn a lesson. Sometimes that really affects the lives of others, but sometimes there aren't other ways to learn the full lesson. If you guys frame it that way together, do you think he'd be receptive?
I think it is possible. We talked a little the other night about the positive things that maybe would not have happened if not for the affair. I think he would like to believe that. But more of the issue, I think, is that he hates to admit to mistakes ever anyway, and has preferred to think of this whole situation as set in momentum by me with the SSM and then almost inevitable that he "fell" into the A, he didn't really realize where he was until it was too late. (I was like, well, there had to have been a point where you could have seen the potential and stopped. She could have too. He agreed... but it is all kind of moot since they didn't, it happened, and here we are now.) Anyway, I think we can probably get there but he isn't quite to that place yet. And I don't want to lead him.
Things are better since our talk. It was my birthday yesterday and he put together a really nice day, baked and decorated a cake with the girls (he said to me in semi-shock afterward... wow, that was a lot of work. And the kitchen was still a total disaster. I just smiled and said yep! I know! and took the cocktail he made me and went to sit outside and drink it while he cleaned up and made dinner :))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Yes! Happy belated birthday, May!! A cocktail made by someone else that one drinks outside while dinner is being made is pretty much the best it gets in our Covid conditions! Xx
After BD, I told H I was going to spend some money on myself and I expected not to hear a word about it. And I didn't. I got some pretty expensive facials, haircuts, lost 20 lbs (now creeping back up), laser hair removal and laser facials (Genesis is pretty amazing), collagen supplements, and Botox. I can do 25 pushups in a row (got up to 40 but that was back in November, been lazy in the past few months). I bought a bunch of new clothes, nice swimsuits, took time to go to yoga and swim. Botox is also the one thing I haven't told anyone about (now except for you guys here!!).