A year ago my S, who is an attorney (pretty good one at that) hired the best attorney in our area to file for a separation but not a divorce? I had a decent attorney that was the only one that would represent me and decided to let him go because there really is no point in fighting legally, everyone's hands are tied, and it was costing me. Pretty sure S attorney is a good friend and representing her for free ... S doesnt need the attorney.
Settlement hearing is in two weeks. S attorney keeps asking me for a counter proposal in response to the one sent over that is clearly designed to allow room to negotiate from the S side. I dont want anything from S, dont want to fight in court, just want my family back.
I would sacrifice everything for my family. Its not just about my S, its the entire family and kids, and its all just so tragic. There is a RO in place so I cant even talk to S.
I was doing well and at peace until last week. I dont know how to respond, dont know how to fight for my family. Our biggest fights were about my S unilateral decisions in our marriage and at the end my frustration with the divide continuing caused me to get very angry. S got scared and from S perspective I was unsafe .... after texting about maybe we need to separate.
Just wanted to get this out for now. Its late and I need to rest. Will post more specific request for assistance tomorrow. I am in a catch 22. If I agree, she walks away with everything. If I fight then I am just an abuser. S is the ultimate victim. I dont even know what I am fighting for or if I will ever be able to trust S again after the false allegations.
This [censored]! I have done everything wrong. I am in mine field .... no where to go so I just stand here until I get help.
Maybe I could start digging a tunnel under the mines .... hmmm ... how would that work?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for the details. Welcome the board and I am sorry for what you are going through. I know you said you would post some specific asks for assistance today but I did want to touch on one thing:
Originally Posted by Mando
I am in a catch 22. If I agree, she walks away with everything. If I fight then I am just an abuser. S is the ultimate victim. I dont even know what I am fighting for or if I will ever be able to trust S again after the false allegations.
Have you ever heard of Nice Guy Syndrome? It sounds like you might have a touch of that. Obviously, you cannot allow her to walk away with everything. I am concerned that you would be worried about how she would feel about you fighting for your right to half of the marital assets. That is not abuse in any way, shape, nor form.
Have you read DR? Please get a copy and read it. Have you read all of Cadet's links? There is unbelievable wisdom in those links. But I also think you should look into the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Putting aside your own needs to be liked, to be viewed favorably, to keep peace is really not nice at all. And it also causes your W to lose a lot of respect for you. And it sounds like she has no respect for you if she is trying to take you for everything.
So look into NGS. Drop the desire to be liked. You cannot nice her back or nice her into a more favorable agreement. You should be looking to demand respect. If you fight for your half then yes, she may not like you, but by golly she will start respecting you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve. Thank you. The book is on the way. Should arrive Tuesday.
S does not respect or trust me. S thinks I turned into some sort of homicidal monster and is scared of me.
I just want the fighting to end. I wont roll over and settle ... but I don't want to hurt/offend S further either.
I really don't want anything material. I have become a nomad - pirate -monk and have what I need. I am not a home body. I have all I need now. I am not looking for anything from my S.
If your spouse is a good attorney, I doubt that she'll take your negotiating position personally. And she's not going to be hurt or offended by your settlement position either. She might try to make you believe otherwise in order to manipulate you, but in the long run it won't matter.
Also your spouse will probably think more of you in the long run if you stand up for yourself during the settlement negotiations. Although divorce might seem like a scary process, it is nothing more than a business negotiation in which two people try to divide assets and liabilities into two equal halves. And if this is about spousal support, you should still stand up for yourself.
Finally, at least threaten to re-hire your attorney if the settlement negotiations don't work out.
Personally, I believe you need legal advise. There are rules to the legal game and most of us do not understand them. Lawyers do.
Right now, you have to have the mindset that you are splitting everything up for good. She made a proposal. Most of the time there are time limits. Your turn to respond. Get legal advise ASAP. Use logic to decide what look fair. Keep your emotions in control.
You can still do personal growth work in parallel to the legal tasks during this time. She thinks she knows you. Time to prove her wrong.
If you are like most guys that show up here, you need a big kick in the pants and learn how to be attractive to your spouse. She has lost her attraction for you. Your behavior during this is important. Confidence and gaining her respect are two areas you should focus on.
I wish you well.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you all. I can check my emotions without a problem. I can negotiate a settlement without an issue. I just dont want to. I have been married to her long enough to know what the courts do and I can read the law and court rules. I do ask questions and seek help when I need it and my attorney will look it all over to make sure it is fair. None of the law stuff is a problem.
The problem I have is the final decision to settle. I know it is wrong no matter how equitable the agreement is.
I am willing to wait for however long it takes to work on myself, then work together, I just dont understand how I can fight for our marriage by agreeing to settle it. that is the catch 22 I am in.
There is nothing logical about saying I dont think our marriage is irretrievably broken and then pushing for a settlement. I dont understand it.
am I allowed to post a draft response to the threads?
I got the book today ... starting to go through it.
Thanks again for all the support and encouragement.
